My wife has had 2 affairs

[Sand]

I have known my wife for over 10 years now. We moved into together after seeing each other for a year and we quickly engaged. I was 22 yrs and she was 19 yrs when we moved in together.

For years I had no suspicions that she had an affair but just after we were married which was 4 yrs ago I saw a message on her phone which a male I know from work texted her early morning asking how she was. I know that this male is a 'player' and I was not happy with this as they worked in the same office. It played on me for a while and then I confronted her when he started to pick her up for work night outs. She denied any involvement with him and would not speak to me for a few days. To which I had to appoligise and then we slowly started speaking again.

This always annoyed me but I didn't mention it again though I really did truly think she was up to something or had done something with him. Call it instinct.

Then 9 months ago on our 10th anniversary together I had a strange feeling something was right again. For many many months see would rarely have sex with me and talking was difficult on both sides to be fair but I have always loved her and I told her daily.

We have two children now 8 and 6 yrs and most of our evening when together as we both work 24 hrs shift though my wife is job share so does half the hours I do we spent watching tv and I wanted to cuddle on the couch and even that was a struggle for her.

So with that I checked her Facebook account and found that she was having an affair with another man from our work again someone I know.

I questioned her an initially she denied it saying they were just friends but the conversations were undeniable evidence and she had to admit to the affair saying she had had sex with him twice and an attempted third time which failed as his back went. On one if those occasions she had sex with him was when she said she was going out on a girls night out which was strange as she never did this. I was worried that night she was going out and I said I as worried about what she was going to do as she was staying out and she denied that she was up to anything and promised me she would be unfaithful. So I seal lowed my feelings and she went out. It turned out that that night was a llienand she had planned for a while to go round to this mans house and she had sex and stayed over. The girls night out was a complete lie. That night I was on nights and I even texted her late on making sure she was ok band got back safe.

Well obviously after I found out we talked and talked and more lies came out of the wood work. I found out about the first man I had suspicion about many years ago was right she had had sex with him 3 times apparently once on a work night out, once in our bed and once in his house I the daytime.

This obviously Made me completely angry that she could do this. More lies then came out that she had been sending sexy photos to an older fella at work again but the thing that got me was that he was nearly 50 and not attractive at all but she denied having sex with him. The other two males were also older men but not as old as him.

I have always been faithful toy wife and I loved her so much, people use to say we had a perfect relationship. It devastated me to find this out, I became depressed and angry and upset I lost weight and I could get her actions out ofy head. The lies, the fact she could do such things. Why she could do this, how could she and much more.

My wife gave the reason for doing what she had done as the following. Te first affair when she was 19/20 yrs was because she was young and stupid and he was a good looking fella. The second affair was because she didn't know where our marriage was going and the bloke talked to her and it was the talking that led to the affair. And the other fella with the photos was that when she was sending photos it was for fun and she described him as a gay friend though he isn't gay and it was quite clear he was doing it for his own benifit.

In both affairs she admitted it was exciting but she completely regrets it all now and want our marriage to work and get stronger. To be truthful I believe her.

My wife had a poor up bringing, her mum and dad split up and her

Mum had many affair and never tried to hide it when her dad went to work. Her dad had affairs to and she hardly ever saw her dad when he moved out. Her mum tried to split us up many times and it made us stronger in the early days and her mum stopped seeing her web we moved in together. I supported her through this horrible time of not seeing her mum or dad. As it clearly upset her.

We went to marriage counselling and to be honest it helped but that was when I first found out and now we both have had separate counselling as well.

 

Now 9months down the road I'm in a situation of what to do. My wife is trying immensely hard to show she is now faithful and loves me much. She does everything for me we now have cuddles we talk we have sex. She is the wife I've wanted for a long time. But I can't help but feel anger and resentment. I love her I think but I'm don't feel in love with her. I have conflicting feelings of wanting to stay with her but not at the same time. I love sky kids but honestl my I'm not staying with my wife for the kids. Right or wrong this is about my feelings and about been happy. I have good days with her and some bad and when I have a bad day for whatever reason set me off it can last for days. I don't know what to do I don't know how to over come this feelings of betrayal and utter lies from her. Any advice will be greatly accepted thanks.

[anne1707]

I am a fWS who had an affair with someone at work. I still work with the exOM but my H and I have reconciled. My H and I agreed that I would not have to leave my job unless it got to a real make or break point which it never did. But that was because we both put the work into making our marriage work.

 

However with your wife having THREE affairs at her work (the photo man is an affair too IMO), then she must leave her job. Has she done this? Has she done anything else to help rebuild your trust in her? Do you feel as if she is genuinely remorseful or just bothered because you caught her out? Is she having any individual counselling and are you both having marriage counselling?

 

I know its a lot of questions but this will help us to provide some support and advice. I will also add that 9 months is no time at all in the overall scheme of things - it is generally said to take 2-5 years to reconcile and not all manage that.

[road]

You will not heal until your WW leaves that job. People there know she puts out and will forever try to nail her.

 

Also WW's are addicted to their OM that is why affairs restart. Another reason why WW must leave that job is for NC with the OM.

 

Then WW has shown that she can not be at jobs that reguire 24 hr shifts she needs to be at home every night

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[soccerrprp]

You will not heal until your WW leaves that job. People there know she puts out and will forever try to nail her.

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

You may not heal regardless. Read the book, but your wife had, essentially, THREE affairs. Yeah, she will need to leave the job. Good luck!

 

Ugh. I, personally, would have an incredibly difficult time forgiving her. It's one thing to have a single indiscretion, but three....

[Bryanp]

I would strongly suggest that you do the following:

1. Get tested for STD's

2. Get your children tested for Paternity

3. See a lawyer just to understand your options.

 

Your wife is sorry....sorry that she got caught. She would never have told you and would have continued cheating on you putting your health at risk for STD's. I am amazed that you believe everything your wife tells you as her story. Your wife is an excellent liar, manipulator and has played your for a fool for a very long time.

 

She makes you apologized to her when you figured out about one of her affairs. How sick and humiliating is this? She must have got off in some sick way making you apologize and beg for her forgiveness when she knew you were correct. What does this say about her and her respect for you?

 

Your wife has no respect for you and is a serial cheater. Right now she is in damage control. Clearly there have been no consequences to her actions. I have a hunch from what you have written that your wife knew that she could have affair because if she would eventually get caught you would forgive her immediately which means she had nothing to lose. Am I wrong?

 

Cheaters will only admit what they think you know. Generally it is only the tip of the iceberg which is why it is essential to have your children tested for paternity. Your wife seems oblivious to the humiliation and disrespect that she has put you through for so many years. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so forgiving and accepting as you have been? Why would a wife respect a husband who accepts that she is a serial cheater?

If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck and get those children tested.

[2sunny]

You - rightfully so, have anger and resentment issues. Have you two gone to counseling?

 

She needs to change jobs.

 

She needs to understand why she cheated - and deal with the damage she CAUSED.

[Sand]

However with your wife having THREE affairs at her work (the photo man is an affair too IMO), then she must leave her job. Has she done this? Has she done anything else to help rebuild your trust in her? Do you feel as if she is genuinely remorseful or just bothered because you caught her out? Is she having any individual counselling and are you both having

 

 

Hi thanks for your responses all.

 

She hasn't left her job but it was discussed. I went to see a solicitor initially and they advised against that incase we split up then I would have to completely support her. Which to be honest put me in a right position of get her to leave work to sort out marriage out or risk a major Financial mess. But what to say if she went to another job she would not do the same. She did look for a new job though but out of hundreds of applications she didn't get anywhere. So what she is doing is next month she is coming on to my shift pattern so that the only time away from each other is when we are in work.

She has made many effort to make amends I have full access to her phone, she lets me know where she is. She completely Below me all the time with everything. It is a complete turn around from who she was. If there were no affairs then she would be right now the way she is acting the best wife anyone could have. But she has had affairs so that's the problem.

When I first found out I know that it was damage control for her , but as tine went on and she tripped herself up with lies to told

Me alot. Now I feel it is complete remorse she has. I seen how she was when I kicked her out of the house. She was a complete mess.

We both had marriage counselling more or less straight away which was a block of 7 sessions. The counsellor was brilliant she got my wife to open up and talk completely about everything from childhood problems to why she did it. I've never seen my wife cry so much. Well to be honest she never much at all until this now she never stops. We are now having individual counselling. She had CBT sessions in fact.

My wife continually texts me now and keeps in contact. As far as I can tell she is been honest that she will never do it again. But she has pulled the wool over my eyes many times and its difficult to completely trust/ believe her.

Deep down I don't want to lose her but there is just something there in my stomach screaming at me.

[2sunny]

Policing her every move doesn't mean she won't cheat.

 

You forgive - she's the type that will eventually find a way to hurt you again.

 

At this point YOU are ALLOWING it by staying with who you know she is = the true cheater.

[drifter777]

Sand: your wife is a serial cheater and she will never quit having sex with other men behind your back. Never. She has you eating out of her hand like a little dog and has you believing she's so sorry and has changed her ways. How sad for you. Now that your guard is down I bet she will be screwing some other guy within a couple months.

 

Serial cheaters don't change, they just get older and wiser. You've caught her 3 times and you can believe catching her again is going to be much more difficult. If you stay with her you need to accept that you are a cuckold and have no control over your wife's sexual escapades. If you can live with that then good luck to you.

[Darren Steez]

However with your wife having THREE affairs at her work (the photo man is an affair too IMO), then she must leave her job. Has she done this? Has she done anything else to help rebuild your trust in her? Do you feel as if she is genuinely remorseful or just bothered because you caught her out? Is she having any individual counselling and are you both having

 

 

Hi thanks for your responses all.

 

She hasn't left her job but it was discussed. I went to see a solicitor initially and they advised against that incase we split up then I would have to completely support her. Which to be honest put me in a right position of get her to leave work to sort out marriage out or risk a major Financial mess. But what to say if she went to another job she would not do the same. She did look for a new job though but out of hundreds of applications she didn't get anywhere. So what she is doing is next month she is coming on to my shift pattern so that the only time away from each other is when we are in work.

She has made many effort to make amends I have full access to her phone, she lets me know where she is. She completely Below me all the time with everything. It is a complete turn around from who she was. If there were no affairs then she would be right now the way she is acting the best wife anyone could have. But she has had affairs so that's the problem.

When I first found out I know that it was damage control for her , but as tine went on and she tripped herself up with lies to told

Me alot. Now I feel it is complete remorse she has. I seen how she was when I kicked her out of the house. She was a complete mess.

We both had marriage counselling more or less straight away which was a block of 7 sessions. The counsellor was brilliant she got my wife to open up and talk completely about everything from childhood problems to why she did it. I've never seen my wife cry so much. Well to be honest she never much at all until this now she never stops. We are now having individual counselling. She had CBT sessions in fact.

My wife continually texts me now and keeps in contact. As far as I can tell she is been honest that she will never do it again. But she has pulled the wool over my eyes many times and its difficult to completely trust/ believe her.

Deep down I don't want to lose her but there is just something there in my stomach screaming at me.

Done it three times. You kicked her out. It is damage control.

 

You talk about she's now cuddling after sex and is now the wife you wanted. Why do you think she's suddenly had this epiphany? She got away with it the first time. She did it again. Got away with it again.

 

What happens when she gets the itch again. When she feels safe? When you're not checking up on her every two seconds. When she goes out for a real GNO and meets an AP?

 

Sometimes you can love somebody but a deal breaker is a deal breaker.

[Sand]

Can people change though? I certainly don't want to be hurt again by her but I have made it clear that this must never happen again...

I know she has taken the mick out of me and embarrassed me in work. But it's really difficult to make a decision. I really loved her but now...... I care for her in some sense but currently I'm not in love with her. That could change though? Could it? She may have changed now she has realised how many problems she has caused as a result of it....

[anne1707]

If you are not in love with her then why stay? Reconciling is incredibly hard work and for it to succeed you must really want it. You must really love her. If you don't love her, end the marriage.

 

Plus why stay with someone who deliberately embarrasses you ?

[Sand]

I'm not in love right now cos of what she has done but I don't want to just leave. If she is telling the truth maybe I want to see if I can love her again. I'm just in limbo and not sure what to do

 

I feel embarrassed about it in work but all my close colleagues are very supportive

[anne1707]

Your wife has had THREE affairs at her workplace

For at least one of these, they had sex in YOUR bed

She has not left her job

She takes the mick out of you

You do not love her

 

Give me one really, really good reason why you should stay with her.

 

These are not good reasons:

 

Staying for the children

You want to see if you can love her again

You don't want to just leave

 

They are excuses.

[Sand]

I suppose your right. Kinda scary I've been with her 10 years. Decision time...

[anne1707]

Yes it is scary. But is it really any worse than spending another 10/20/30+ years with someone you don't love? Is it worse than raising your children in a house (not a home) where their parents basically tolerate each other?

[soccerrprp]

Yes it is scary. But is it really any worse than spending another 10/20/30+ years with someone you don't love? Is it worse than raising your children in a house (not a home) where their parents basically tolerate each other?

 

....and the children will pick-up on this. Will be influenced by the dynamics observed and goodness, let's hope that they don't have a skewed perspective of a relationship b/c of it. They deserve to see a healthy, vibrant relationship around them. Tough when both parents are cold to one another, if it doesn't work out.

 

Good luck. I feel for you and am in your corner.

[Steadfast]

Can people change though? I certainly don't want to be hurt again by her but I have made it clear that this must never happen again...

 

You are likely to get conflicting advice here Sand; one camp for leaving and another for sticking it out. The crazy part? Both sides will present valid arguments. It is certainly a good and noble thing to forgive, grow and keep a family together. But it is a prison, not a life, living in wonder and worry.

 

One thing we can all agree on, is that you have been victimized and abused. Another? It is impossible to be 'in love' with someone we don't respect. You have every reason not to respect her. Blind trust is foolish.

 

My advice? Instead of hand-wringing and worrying about burning bridges, you must explain to your wife where you are. That means just telling her. Explain that no matter how hard she's tried to make things right, her actions have effected your romantic desire for her. Tell her that no matter how hard she tries, it is time and repetition -not simple effort- needed to regain the trust she's destroyed with her actions. You must tell her.

 

In my opinion, her reaction would play a key role if I were in your shoes. If she becomes defensive or combative, it might indicate a superficial effort; lacking the motivation needed for the long term success. If she faces you with composure, it might mean she truly has come to an understanding. It could mean she really does love you. Even enough to let you go.

 

Divorce if you simply can't live with the wonder and worry. There is no other option. Most would say the odds are against her remaining faithful.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

The lies, the fact she could do such things. Why she could do this, how could she and much more.

 

My wife gave the reason for doing what she had done as the following. Te first affair when she was 19/20 yrs was because she was young and stupid and he was a good looking fella. The second affair was because she didn't know where our marriage was going and the bloke talked to her and it was the talking that led to the affair. And the other fella with the photos was that when she was sending photos it was for fun and she described him as a gay friend though he isn't gay and it was quite clear he was doing it for his own benifit.

In both affairs she admitted it was exciting but she completely regrets it all now and want our marriage to work and get stronger. To be truthful I believe her.

 

For me, reconciliation depended on finding out the "why" and "how could you?" of my wife's affair. If the root causes were not uncovered and corrected, then what's to stop her (or your wife) from doing it again?

 

Is she willing to do the work of self-examination to learn what caused her to have MULTIPLE affairs?

 

Your marriage can not "work and get stronger" until she fixes her own issues. That is on her, not you. You did not cause her to have multiple affairs. There is something broken inside her that must be addressed. Good luck.

[Darren Steez]

If you're asking if a person can change after cheating on you three times..then by all means you haven't learned your lesson and are doomed to repeat the failures of the past

[aliveagain]

She is a serial cheater, the best way to make sure she gets the help she needs is to make it part of reconciliation, have her agree to terms, terms about IC, MC and of course that she gives up most of the assets she is entitled to by law if she cheats again and you decide to divorce. The instrument is called a Postnuptial Agreement. How else can you feel safe with a serial cheater? You can make it a 80/20 split, cheater gets 20%. She will need a lot of independent counseling to get to the root of her problems. She needs to find out why your validation isn't enough for her, why does she seek it from other men? Don't settle for less if you decide to stay.

[sour_pikle]

I've been through the same thing..still am going through it. Take from a guy who stayed...you'll never forgive her.