Calvin's wagon Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Hi, just a couple of more things in case you'll be inclined to give it a try - some advice on how I would approach it with her (or with my ex, if I had a redo) - hope it will help you! 1. Talk honestly with her about wanting to take it slowly and carefully, to take things slowly, maturely etc. Do not let things go too quickly, be careful if you're experiencing a roller-coaster ride. In my experience, my ex really had really high "highs" when she felt great, started talking about meeting the parents, moving in together etc. very quickly, only to tell me a couple of days later she needed more space. After some time, I learnt how to protect myself on these roller-coaster rides -> not get too excited at every "high" time and not feel too bad at every "down" time. If something positive was more permanent (even during the bad times), then I started to feel a bit more excited. 2. Talk to her about constantly, maturely, openly, about the fears, problems, ... , that arise in the relationship. 3. Set boundaries and some ground rules (on both sides!) clearly (for example NO COCAINE, NO LYING (not even by omission) WHATSOEVER, her attending therapy/support groups (perhaps even with you as support occasionally) etc.) in advance 4. Talk to her about what you can expect from her when she will feel really bad (if she will have bouts of bad mood during her mood swings), and talk to her in advance what would be the best for both of you to do during these times. For example - my ex would very often be screaming at me to leave her alone, to protect myself and dump her and find someone else worthy of me, but at the same time she would always be grateful if I ignored this and just held her tightly, tried to console her, talk to her, make her laugh etc. After a while we agreed that it is best for her and for me and for our relationship if she tries to deal with her bouts of bad moods by herself as much as possible, so that I'd give her space to work on her issues, instead of me doing the hard work for/instead of her. I'm not saying that I would recommend that to you, I'm just illustrating that it's important to talk about how she wants you to handle this and how you want to handle this, to find a mutual solution. 5. Make sure you are not her only support network/person she spends time with/friend, and that she is not your only one. Encourage her developing friendships, having her time away from you occasionally (I don't know, e.g. two days a week), so she will be able to work on herself, to grow by herself as an independent person. And try to maintain some of your own private time, of your going out with buddies for a night of poker etc. Don't become each other lives completely... 6. Did I mention being careful about pregnancy? 7. Always be honest with yourself and her about knowing that both of you have the right and duty each to yourselves to walk away if things get too tough, if the hurt gets too much,... There's more, but I'll wait for your replies. Best wishes
Author edelveis Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Hello my friend once more.thank you very much for your willingness to support me no matter which my desicion will be.i will list you now my reasons to stop seeing her:1)I think she is able to destroying my phycical person,emotional person 3rd)personal person.all of them make a real person 2nd)physical danger as at a few of our dates she got so drunk that i had to move her on my back:P3rd)high possibility of my heart to get broken 4)emotional instable but also she has a natural madness in the good way whihc make things even worse all together 5th)sometimes she seems enjoying my pain and makiing things hard for me 6th)she is ruinning my life.i m a medical student and i have failed 3 exams the last 2 weeks coz i cant stop thinking of her and this issue whole day.And the reasons i want to keep seeing her:i am in love with her. 2nd)for she is unique and one of a kind and even if i ll walk away i know i wont find someone like her again.i am not a person who falls in love easily or gets faschinated by a woman instantly but when i first saw her it was like a firework exploded iin front of my eyes.the way i feel when i am with her i have never felt it again in my life with any other woman.none of my relationships can even be measured to how i feel when i am with her. Something happened though two days ago and i would like your oppinion.we were discussing in facebook after she texted me to ask me about a photo i uploaded because she was worried that somebody might have hurted me emotionally.i told he that no its just a photo with a phrase i like and we started talking.after a while of discussing the discussion went on emotions but with a humoristic way of talking from both of us.she told me that i should stop being emotional fro my own good.i told he that the only emotinal person here is her.and then she told me that she is everything but emotional.then i told her that no matter what she says i think she is and time wil show if i am wrong or not and that she should know that i have some strong believes and it becomes tiring for people sometimes.she told me never to argue with her and put a smile.i didnt answer and she didnt say anything more too coz we were talking again in the morning of the same day coz she send me if she can see me in this week after she get well and if i am free.i said yes and to text me when she feels well.but after the night conversation 2 days almost passed and no news from her.do you think she might feel the need to prove to me that she is not emotional as i said i believe and wont text me before i do?do you think when she is saying is not emotional she means it or she says it coz thats what she want people to believe about her? i think she is emotional but she had been hurted in the past for showing emotions and that why she say so.also do you think i handled well the conversation and should i maybe text her first?
Calvin's wagon Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 (edited) Hi. First of all, I hope someone else will post here, because I always get slightly nervous when I'm giving long replies, for fear of giving "wrong"/"bad" advice. Secondly, you've listed a lot of possible and present harms to you from the relationship with her. She's already having a detrimental effect, and that's now, when everything is going well and when you're supposed to be in the honeymoon phase, showing your best side etc.. Please, answer to yourself how much are you willing to suffer? What would be the deal breaker for you in her behaviour? I really hope you will answer this and perhaps write it here. Thirdly, there were quite a few girls I was involved before my ex, but at the time I thought I'd never meet another like my ex etc. Soon after breaking up with her I met two girls who were both incredibly amazing and "unique", and I'm sorry I wasn't so ****ed up from my ex, because they were not only so amazing, but much more normal than my ex, and I could have had a great relationship with one of them... But again, when people were telling me (when I was with my ex and after the break up) this, that I will meet other amazing women, I didn't believe them, so I'll understand if you don't believe me. But I hope you will realize for yourself that it's not worth destroying yourself, your career etc. Lastly, about the conversation - I'd firstly like to ask you: - what you liked and disliked about her way of communication? - what you liked and disliked about the content of her conversation? - what kind of "gut" feeling did you have talking with her and afterwards? - what was it like to talk to her about emotions? was it hard, were you apprehensive, etc.? - what do you (dis)like about how you communicated with her? Best wishes! Edited May 21, 2013 by Calvin's wagon 1
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