The girl i am dating suffers from emotional instability:/

May 18, 2013

no ones metal health issue is the same as someone elses - you can only judge hers indervidually.

Just because some people suffer really badly dosent mean she does - talk to her!

May 18, 2013

oh man what u were dealing with was really awfull and insane.but agains reminds me of my case when she had fights and stopped talking to any of her girlfriends who asked her things about me after they saw us together because she thought they wanted to steal me from her.what kathy said is so right.the one moment they idolize you and the next moment they demonize you.thats the worst.do you think i should tell that that this is the reason i ll walk away or just block her in facebook,change number and just dissapear?i am in love with her and if we meet i think her blue eyes wont let me leave her.

May 18, 2013

OP, have you met any of her close female friends? How did that go?

May 18, 2013

Kathy what you describe reminds me so much of her behaviour and explains so much.i have doubts for one more thing.she told me that in the past she had relationship for 6 months and another for one year.is it something people like her can manage?i ask you coz i think you seem to know a lot about it.

It's not so much that they can't have longer-term relationships, but that the relationships they are in are typically very volatile. I am currently treating two patients who have Borderline Personality Disorder. One has had two long term relationships, but they are marked by continual fighting, continual periods of pushing away followed by extreme clinging behavior, and suicidal ideation when there are fights in the relationship. I guess, as long as there is a relationship partner that is willing to put up with such extreme behavior, the Borderline person will continue to be in the relationship, because they fear abandonment, so they are not usually willing to let the relationship go despite its extreme dysfunction. The other Borderline client of mine has very dysfunctional relationships with very dysfunctional people, and breaks off the relationship quickly, so she goes from one relationship to the next in very short order. It really isn't possible to have a healthy relationship with someone with BPD, because they are psychologically and emotionally unhealthy.

May 18, 2013

Carhill yeah i met her friends a few times and they were talking to me very much but she was really all over me and didnt leave me alone for a minute.she misunderstood it and thought that they re trying to steal me from her when they asked her things about me the other day.they asked also formy facebook profile and this made her go mad.u think it shows something?

May 18, 2013

It's not so much that they can't have longer-term relationships, but that the relationships they are in are typically very volatile. I am currently treating two patients who have Borderline Personality Disorder. One has had two long term relationships, but they are marked by continual fighting, continual periods of pushing away followed by extreme clinging behavior, and suicidal ideation when there are fights in the relationship. I guess, as long as there is a relationship partner that is willing to put up with such extreme behavior, the Borderline person will continue to be in the relationship, because they fear abandonment, so they are not usually willing to let the relationship go despite its extreme dysfunction. The other Borderline client of mine has very dysfunctional relationships with very dysfunctional people, and breaks off the relationship quickly, so she goes from one relationship to the next in very short order. It really isn't possible to have a healthy relationship with someone with BPD, because they are psychologically and emotionally unhealthy.

I am not a therapist and have my own gender issues that I have been in and out of treatment for.

That said, I know what a difference it can make in relationships of all kinds, romantic, friendly, business, etc. if a person who has an issue is at least really earnestly working on it.

It is a good sign that the OP's partner has, at least, gotten enough help to know they have a problem and be able to give it a name. There are plenty of people who never admit they have an issue and go through life wondering why they feel so depressed one moment, and happy the other, why they feel empty and fear abandonment etc.

Listen to Kathy OP. She knows of what she speaks professionally.

I know because I seem to attract, and be attracted to such people on some deep seated level. Which indicates that I may have issues myself. Certain combinations of issues are known to make people attract eachother. A classic is a man with Narcicistic PD attracting a woman with Borderline PD.

May 18, 2013

It's not so much that they can't have longer-term relationships, but that the relationships they are in are typically very volatile. I am currently treating two patients who have Borderline Personality Disorder. One has had two long term relationships, but they are marked by continual fighting, continual periods of pushing away followed by extreme clinging behavior, and suicidal ideation when there are fights in the relationship. I guess, as long as there is a relationship partner that is willing to put up with such extreme behavior, the Borderline person will continue to be in the relationship, because they fear abandonment, so they are not usually willing to let the relationship go despite its extreme dysfunction. The other Borderline client of mine has very dysfunctional relationships with very dysfunctional people, and breaks off the relationship quickly, so she goes from one relationship to the next in very short order. It really isn't possible to have a healthy relationship with someone with BPD, because they are psychologically and emotionally unhealthy.

I see.The information you are providing are so helpfull and i really thank you very much for helping me like everyone else in here.So Kathy in order to have something sure to help me with my desicion, do you think she has a disorder for sure?according to what i have described and told about her and her behaviour.becuse i dont want to make a mistake and need to be sure and clear.and whats the best way to walk away?should i tell her about it or just dissappear from her life?

May 18, 2013

I know because I seem to attract, and be attracted to such people on some deep seated level. Which indicates that I may have issues myself. Certain combinations of issues are known to make people attract eachother. A classic is a man with Narcicistic PD attracting a woman with Borderline PD.

Yeah i agree with you.i am not perfect too of course and have my personal issues.thats why i am attracted to girls like these too.if i were normal i should have already decide that its time to walk way no matter how much in love i am

May 18, 2013

Carhill yeah i met her friends a few times and they were talking to me very much but she was really all over me and didnt leave me alone for a minute.she misunderstood it and thought that they re trying to steal me from her when they asked her things about me the other day.they asked also formy facebook profile and this made her go mad.u think it shows something?

Hmm, to me that sounds like another canary. If she's reacting like that, it's inevitable such behaviors will leak into those friendships. TBH, I can't envision those friendships being 'close' with such behaviors in play.

May 18, 2013

Hmm, to me that sounds like another canary. If she's reacting like that, it's inevitable such behaviors will leak into those friendships. TBH, I can't envision those friendships being 'close' with such behaviors in play.

OP listen to Carhills canaries. I doubted him and got into a relationship that while not 100% awful hasn't been what such a short relationship should be, more fun.

Your simplest way out is just to step back and find a mentally healthy woman.

May 18, 2013

BTW, in case 'canary' sounds nonsensical, it's a euphemism relevant to my generation and demographic where, in the old days, canaries (or birds) were used to detect poisons in certain environments, like coal mines. If one noted the bird to have keeled over dead, it was time to get out of there. The bird's higher metabolic rate and sensitivity gave warning to the humans.

Also, should you find this person to be incompatible with your style of relating, that doesn't mean she is generally incompatible. A different personality might find synergy with her. Meanwhile, you can seek out a person whom you love, like you apparently love this person, but who is also compatible with you and about whom you don't bring such questions and concerns.

May 18, 2013

Hi, Edelveis!

My ex gf told me at the start of our relationship that:

- she had emotional imbalance (i think it's the same as emotional instability)

- she was seeing a psychiatrist and also attending (bi)weekly group support sessions

- she was prescribed and taking anti-depressants (when we met every day, but as our relationship progressed, it decreased to every other day, every third day etc.)

So feel free to read my posts to see a glimpse of what it was like. In them, I focused on other issues that might no be directly connected to her condition, but there are also things that were really visibly connected to her condition.

So please, go read them (if you have time) and then feel free to ask me anything else that you're interested about what was the relationship with her like.

I'd also really recommend that before making any decisions, you:

- talk to her (several times, if necessary) to get more info, to see her views etc., to see how much she's aware of how this affects her, her relationships, how much she's willing to work on overcoming it etc.

- go talk to some psychology expert (some therapists, psychologists, psychology professor etc.) about all this - get relevant, professional opinion and explanation what this can entail! We are not professionals!

- read a book called "No more mr. Nice guy" (google it, you can easily download it PDF), just to see if by any chance you're not subsconsciously inclined to be the "knight on a white horse", like I was.

- talk to your friends&family that you trust about what to do

I'd also like to ask you a couple of questions:

- how old are both of you?

- how long have you two been together?

- how long were your relationships with other women before?

- did you get any of the FB contacts of her friends?

- when you talked to her about getting professional help (other than cardiologist), like going to a therapist/psychiatrist etc., what was her response?

- when talking to her about this, you both might want to consider going with her to at least a couple of first sessions if she wishes, if you wish and if the expert allows it (i didn't go with her to those, but i went for drinks they had with the group afterwards to get to know them and to show her support etc.; after her cheating on me etc., I suggested couples' therapy and we went together)

- if/when you talked to her about how/if this has affected her previous relationships, what did she say?

- in general, did she seem like she is good at mature, reasonable communication with you/people, that she is trying/succeeding in not letting the condition stop her from living a "normal" life? that she is handling the condition well?

Imo, it's really important for you to:

- see how she has been and is planning on trying to live as normal of a life as possible with this; to have good, mature communication with her!

- to talk to professionals to get a better understand of what this can entail;

- to try to be honest with yourself about what your motives are and why are you thinking about this the way you're thinking;

- to talk to people you trust, friends and familly;

- to be honest with her! Definitely do not just disappear from her life! She was pretty honest with you (from what you've written) and she gave you a heads up, and I think she deserves the basic decency and honesty from you as well. For example, if the reason you perhaps will not want to risk it is because you're not sure you can't handle it and are afraid, tell her that. If the reason is that she's not really focused on learning how to cope with it, to seek professional help etc., tell her that. Even if you two don't work out, this honesty might help her and other men she'll meet on the way to lead a better life and have better relationships.

And if you decide to try to be with her:

- remember to know that you can say that you can't handle anymore (try not to do it in a bad way, e.g. right after you proposed to her...)

- remember to not get carried away with major life decisions with her

- remember to make sure to do your best to not get her pregnant, at least imo until you've seen that both of you can make this relationship really work (even if it means to not have sex with her immediately)

- and remember all the other advice you will get from friends&psychology professionals

I tried to write down most of the stuff I wish I'd been told when I was starting with my ex. There's more I could write, but I don't want to take too much space in one post. Feel free to ask more and I'll try to reply as soon as possible.

Best of luck to both of you!

May 18, 2013

I see.The information you are providing are so helpfull and i really thank you very much for helping me like everyone else in here.So Kathy in order to have something sure to help me with my desicion, do you think she has a disorder for sure?according to what i have described and told about her and her behaviour.becuse i dont want to make a mistake and need to be sure and clear.and whats the best way to walk away?should i tell her about it or just dissappear from her life?

I can't really diagnose someone that I have not met. I am just putting the information out there about the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder, and I am suggesting to you that if you think your girlfriend is having issues of emotional instability and the other things you mentioned, it would be a good idea to suggest she see a counselor. And I would suggest kindly telling her that you think she would benefit from seeing a counselor about her mood swings, and that you would like her to be happy and in a healthy place. Then tell her these mood swings are something that really concerns you, and you are not really able to deal with that, but a counselor will help her to get more control over her emotions. Then say you feel you need to end the relationship so that she can concentrate on getting her life and her emotions more under control.

(Medication therapy is often used in treating Borderline clients to help them with their extreme mood swings and impulsivity, but the other things; i.e., fear of abandonment, splitting, feelings of emptiness, etc., will need long term therapy).

May 19, 2013

Hi, Edelveis!

My ex gf told me at the start of our relationship that:
- she had emotional imbalance (i think it's the same as emotional instability)
- she was seeing a psychiatrist and also attending (bi)weekly group support sessions
- she was prescribed and taking anti-depressants (when we met every day, but as our relationship progressed, it decreased to every other day, every third day etc.)

So feel free to read my posts to see a glimpse of what it was like. In them, I focused on other issues that might no be directly connected to her condition, but there are also things that were really visibly connected to her condition.

So please, go read them (if you have time) and then feel free to ask me anything else that you're interested about what was the relationship with her like.

I'd also really recommend that before making any decisions, you:
- talk to her (several times, if necessary) to get more info, to see her views etc., to see how much she's aware of how this affects her, her relationships, how much she's willing to work on overcoming it etc.
- go talk to some psychology expert (some therapists, psychologists, psychology professor etc.) about all this - get relevant, professional opinion and explanation what this can entail! We are not professionals!
- read a book called "No more mr. Nice guy" (google it, you can easily download it PDF), just to see if by any chance you're not subsconsciously inclined to be the "knight on a white horse", like I was.
- talk to your friends&family that you trust about what to do

I'd also like to ask you a couple of questions:
- how old are both of you?
- how long have you two been together?
- how long were your relationships with other women before?
- did you get any of the FB contacts of her friends?
- when you talked to her about getting professional help (other than cardiologist), like going to a therapist/psychiatrist etc., what was her response?
- when talking to her about this, you both might want to consider going with her to at least a couple of first sessions if she wishes, if you wish and if the expert allows it (i didn't go with her to those, but i went for drinks they had with the group afterwards to get to know them and to show her support etc.; after her cheating on me etc., I suggested couples' therapy and we went together)
- if/when you talked to her about how/if this has affected her previous relationships, what did she say?
- in general, did she seem like she is good at mature, reasonable communication with you/people, that she is trying/succeeding in not letting the condition stop her from living a "normal" life? that she is handling the condition well?

Imo, it's really important for you to:
- see how she has been and is planning on trying to live as normal of a life as possible with this; to have good, mature communication with her!
- to talk to professionals to get a better understand of what this can entail;
- to try to be honest with yourself about what your motives are and why are you thinking about this the way you're thinking;
- to talk to people you trust, friends and familly;
- to be honest with her! Definitely do not just disappear from her life! She was pretty honest with you (from what you've written) and she gave you a heads up, and I think she deserves the basic decency and honesty from you as well. For example, if the reason you perhaps will not want to risk it is because you're not sure you can't handle it and are afraid, tell her that. If the reason is that she's not really focused on learning how to cope with it, to seek professional help etc., tell her that. Even if you two don't work out, this honesty might help her and other men she'll meet on the way to lead a better life and have better relationships.

And if you decide to try to be with her:
- remember to know that you can say that you can't handle anymore (try not to do it in a bad way, e.g. right after you proposed to her...)
- remember to not get carried away with major life decisions with her
- remember to make sure to do your best to not get her pregnant, at least imo until you've seen that both of you can make this relationship really work (even if it means to not have sex with her immediately)
- and remember all the other advice you will get from friends&psychology professionals

I tried to write down most of the stuff I wish I'd been told when I was starting with my ex. There's more I could write, but I don't want to take too much space in one post. Feel free to ask more and I'll try to reply as soon as possible.

Best of luck to both of you!

Calvin's wagon thank you very much for your caring about my problem and your heart.i read all your story and it reminds me a lot about mine situation in many points.at the presence of the ex still being there,the emotional swings,the warm and cold syndrome,the thing she doesnt know what to she really wants and many other things.What you went through should have been really tough and it sounds much more harder than what i am facing right now maybe coz u were in a relationship with the girl and not at the dating state going to relationship where i am at the moment.i would like to ask you though did you manage to overpass her totally?honestly.

Now to come and answer to your questions.first of all she only told me that she suffers from this emotional instability on our last date 2 days before but didnt discuss about it more coz she changed the subject right after.But to be honnest i suspect she might be seeing a psychologist otherwise how could she knew from what she is suffering and how could she know thats what causes her tachycardia like her cardiologist says.So i think she knows theres something not going well with her and is also aware of what it is.So maybe she is taking antidepressants too.She also loves drinking coz she says it makes her feel well and happy but when we talk about it she denies it.she says the one thing and does the extreme opposite.

Now to answer to your specific questions.We are dating for 1 and 1/2 month but we have met just 6 times coz during this period i had periods off to my homecountry and a trip with friends and also she had a trip with friends.I am 23 years old and she is 20.My longer relationship lasted 2 years and hers was for one year.at least thats what she told me.i have doubts it was much shorter and i dont know why she would want to lie aboout something like that.I was friend in Facebook with a friend of hers but when she found out she told her friend to delete me and not talk to me again.i am planning to talk to her oppenly about it next time we see and see how it goes and how she is going to react.i just dont want to make her think that i think she is crazy.When we discuss about things she always says things that make me think she is really mature,understanding person,caring for others with a good heart.but man sometimes her actions show the extremely opposite.its like saying one thing and doing the opposite.and for that reason i cant let myself trust her more.

You think i should talk to her oppenly about her situation?and ask everything i need to know.i just dont want her to get offended or that ii think she is crazy.thats why it requires a good handing.

May 19, 2013

Hi!

It's gonna be a long post, but I hope it won't deter you or others to keep posting...

i would like to ask you though did you manage to overpass her totally?honestly.

I'm not sure what you mean by overpass (english is my 3rd language), but if you're asking if I'm over her completely, than I'd have to say no. I stayed in the relationship for too long, got hurt too much and spent too much time afterwards thinking about the good stuff instead of the bad, secretly hoping she'd come back, instead of going full NC and focusing solely on myself. But at some point I realized that I would never ever be able to trust her again about anything and that too many things have happened. After that things got much better, and now I'm more or less dealing with how to let go of the hate&anger I feel towards her, and to try to undo the damage she's done/contributed (trust issues towards women/people etc.). But I'm making a lot of progress.

Now to come and answer to your questions.first of all she only told me that she suffers from this emotional instability on our last date 2 days before but didnt discuss about it more coz she changed the subject right after.But to be honnest i suspect she might be seeing a psychologist otherwise how could she knew from what she is suffering and how could she know thats what causes her tachycardia like her cardiologist says.

Well, one of the things I do give credit to my ex gf that she was quite honest and willing to discuss her situation, and she put in quite a lot of work in trying to make herself learn to cope with all this.

So if I were in your position, I think that if your girl wasn't willing to be honest and open with me about this and how this has affected her and her relationships, and really active in trying to work on herself/this, I wouldn't stay with her.

I mean, for me it was hard enough to deal with the issues even though she was really quite honest about it and really wanted to talk to me/others about it, and really tried a lot to learn to deal with it and live a normal life.

I can't imagine how worse it would be if she wouldn't want to talk about it or if she wasn't actively trying her best to deal with it.

Bottom line - with my experience, when thinking about going into another serious relationship, I'd like both of us to not be "a mess", to be happy while being single, to not really "need" each other, to not have a bunch of psychological issues with which we wouldn't know how to deal with, which we still seriously be messing up our lives.

That's one of the reasons why I avoided serious relationships after the break up - I realized I myself had a lot of issues to resolve or at least to learn how to handle them and live without them seriously affecting me and my relationship. I had to work on my self-esteem, on my setting and enforcing boundaries to not get abused again, on my codependency tendencies, on not having the "rescuer" syndrome for women in distress, on not needing external validation so much etc. I realized I was "attracted" to "damaged" women because I myself was "damaged" (in the sense of having serious unresolved issues with which I couldn't cope). So I've been doing a lot of psychotherapy, resolving issues with my family&friends etc., trying to get myself a bit better.

Now I'm not saying both of the people should be perfect, without any problems before they start something serious. But I'd like for both of us to be at least "fairly" ok with our issues, to be able to function more or less ok, and to be honest about our issues and to be on top of them, to be working on them.

I don't know you, but even before thinking about if she's not ready to be in a serious relationship, I think firstly you have to ask yourself if YOU are ready to be in a serious relationship. That's why I wanted you to read the book "No more mr. Nice guy", and also I'd strongly recommend "Toxic parents". Both are available for free online in PDF. Read them to see if anything rings a bell about you and your relationships with women, with parents etc. Talk to your friends if they've noticed any of your issues etc. Consider therapy (or school-provided counselling, or pro bono counselling).

You've mentioned:

Yeah i agree with you.i am not perfect too of course and have my personal issues.thats why i am attracted to girls like these too.if i were normal i should have already decide that its time to walk way no matter how much in love i am

I think this is a strong indicator that you know that you're not really yourself to be in a very serious relationship. And it seems here that you're aware that it'd be unhealthy for you to be with her and that you should walk away. And that your own issues are compelling you to stay with her, despite rationally knowing it's much better for you to move on and get yourself in order, then meet a girl who's not gonna act like her.

Also, in love with her -> you've mentioned that you've met her 6 times. I'm not sure, but that to me doesn't seem a very long time to form a reliable opinion about her... And you haven't invested much time in her.

I strongly believe that I myself will not be really be able to be in a healthy/functional serious relationship with others until I feel ok and happy on my own. As long as I'll need others to validate me, as long as I'm full of anger, fears, uncertainties, issues, lonely etc., I don't think I'm ready for a really serious relationship.

She also loves drinking coz she says it makes her feel well and happy but when we talk about it she denies it.she says the one thing and does the extreme opposite.

Before I talked about if you're ready to be in a serious relationship. I'd be happy to talk to you about this more (also read my other threads from the "family" section to see more about my issues).

As for her, I have limited information from what you've written here. But so far to me it seems that she's not really handling this all that well, and if I were to meet (again ) a girl that acts like your girl, I think I'd say that she's not ready to be in a serious relationship and firstly needs to stand on her own two feet by herself, with the help of her family&friends.

Some of the signs (I noticed many more in your posts):

1. "She also loves drinking coz she says it makes her feel well and happy but when we talk about it she denies it.she says the one thing and does the extreme opposite."

Needs to drink to make her feel happy/well, then denies it.

Saying one thing and doing completely opposite.

2. "she has told me that her life lacks meaning and that she is not happy and thinks she will never be no matter if she has everything."

That's really tough to be with someone like that. If she will "never" be happy, how can she be happy with you? This would really show me she's not ready to be in a relationship and that it would be really bad for me to be with her. She needs to find meaning and happiness on her own/with her friends&family.

3. ".also she changes her mood so often.for example she might be so warm and caring to me in the morning and so cold and bad mood 4 hours later"

This is really tough to deal with. I always wondered if it was my fault, or what should I do to make her happy etc. It really makes normal couple communication/dynamics difficult.

4. "She is telling me that i am the only person who make her feel happy and so nice being with and she doesnt want to lose me." "Also she says she has noone to rely on in her family and that except when shes with me shes always sad."

Yup, I've been told that I'm "the only one" who hasn't left her, her only friend, etc. It's not only a form of (perhaps subconscious) emotional manipulation, but also shows a sign that a person is truly not ready for a relationship... If I ever meet a girl like that who will say sth like that at the start of our dating, I will not get involved with her again...

5. ".but agains reminds me of my case when she had fights and stopped talking to any of her girlfriends who asked her things about me after they saw us together because she thought they wanted to steal me from her"

".they asked also formy facebook profile and this made her go mad."

It seems to me that that's another sign/reason that she's got too much to deal with before getting in a relationship, and that you would probably have to deal with a lot of too much jealousy, trust issues.

I'll stop now with mentioning what I've noticed.

///

You think i should talk to her oppenly about her situation?and ask everything i need to know.i just dont want her to get offended or that ii think she is crazy.thats why it requires a good handing

Yes, definitely whatever you do, not just with her, but with every person in your life, have honest and open and mature communication (as much as possible, it takes two for that...). So try to be as reasonable, honest, mature,..., as possible, while at the same time be firm about yourself and protecting yourself from emotional abuse, manipulation etc.

But like you said, it requires good handling. I'd really try to talk a lot with friends/family/psychological experts in the near future to try to get as much information about you and her. Also, start reading those books (and others, for example on codependency, emotional manipulation etc.) ASAP.

Before you talk to her, try to write down:

- what you want to talk to her about, specific question

- what you shouldn't say!

- what you shouldn't do or let her do (emotional manipulation

Also, try to let her know that you want both of you to take time to see where this goes, to decide on how to proceed.

Because I don't think it'd be good for either of you to try to resolve this in one conversation with her, to overwhelm/overpressure her with questions and you be overwhelmed with information, emotions etc., without having time to process them, think and talk about with your friends etc. It shouldn't be a big problem to take time and talk about this over the course of several drinks/conversations/meetings.

Try to combine the "serious" stuff with the "easy" stuff (like the movies, talk about lighters subjects), it will be better for both of you.

But bear in mind that if she's not really capable or willing to talk rationally, maturely,..., about all this, I'd wonder how much it would change along the way. True, a part of why she'll be reserved is because of her privacy/trust issues and not really knowing you and fear of getting hurt (so you also have to be mature, not mean, understanding when talking to her, just like with anyone), but even if she doesn't share all her secrets you can still have a good, mature, productive conversation on how this would affect her relationship with you.

If she'll try to give you an ultimatum (especially very soon) along the lines of "either you say this minute you want to be with me or we're done" or sth like that, be careful. To me this would be a strong sign to end things...

Oh, she might also say when you'll talk about it that she "will do anything" now, attend therapy etc. That, for me, is a problem - she should be doing that already, and for herself, not for you. And it takes a long time for therapy, groups etc., to help someone get much better, so if she'll start doing it now, it might be doing it for the wrong reasons, and it might be a really long time before she gets better, and being in a relationship (with someone who, like you've said yourself, has many issues as well...) will perhaps hinder her progress...

I don't know - I don't want to scare you off without reason, every person and situation is unique, yours might be a case where both of you become truly happy and resolve your issues happily together. But currently I'm thinking that I myself will try to first to deal with my issues, and then find someone who has dealt/is good at dealing with their own issues... And I'll avoid girls like her. Of course, if later on my wife for example would start suffering from depression etc., of course I'd be there for her, but I would like to start my relationship with someone who doesn't have so much still unresolved.

///

If you eventually do decide to end things, be mature and rational and non-hurtful. Try to be helpful and to tell her that (if that's really what you mean) you're not walking away because of her situation (emotional instability), but rather because of how it's still affecting her and how she's (not) dealing with her adequately. Try to point out that she needs to be to happy firstly on her own/with her friends. Make sure to point out that you are extremely grateful for her honesty and that you very much appreciate it etc. Encourage her to reach out to her friends/family/support groups/therapy. Also, I'd also be honest in telling her that I myself are not strong enough (because of my issues) to know how to be in such a relationship.

I cannot imagine how hard it must be for her (and my ex), and I was really grateful for her being honest about this, and I'm sure you wish her all the best. The way you talk to her and (eventually) end things with her could do a lot to encourage her to get more help. But don't worry too much if she will react way too irrationally to your mature communication, to some degree it's possible that you couldn't say anything right and that she just needs more time and experience to realize that she needs help.

And again, don't let yourself get hurt, abused,..., just to "help" her. She needs to help herself... And you must protect herself.

And after that, I'd also say that I like her too much to be just friends with her and that you need to not have contact with her in order for you to heal and resolve your own issues...

///

And yeah, watch out for getting her pregnant by accident (or her doing it intentionally...). I might be overreacting, but if you went through with what I went with my ex or what I've heard from friends, you'd perhaps be worried as well. Because after that it's so much more difficult to not get hurt even if you decide to not be with her romantically, but just perhaps as co-parents.

///

Anyway, make no rash decisions, nor make any decisions based on what we've told you. You and her are unique individuals whom we do not know, and we're perhaps too biased and influenced by our own problems, issues, experience. So take time, talk to people in your life, think hard and get lots of professional information.

Best of luck, hope to hear from you more.

May 19, 2013

That's a wonderfully lucid, well-thought out, and humanist post, Calvin. Thank you!

May 19, 2013

my friend celvin's wagon your post is awesome and i ll answer you with a big post in a while when i ll have the time.but for now let me say one short thing.when i said i have personal issues i said it because i think nobody is perfect in this world and everybody has personal issues in small or more extend degree.i am a strong person and i think that i can be in a relationship with a girl like her if she is really willing to face her situation and give her best to get better.I have had serious relationships in the past too and i know when i am ready for it.

Also the fact that i have met her only 6 times doesnt mean that i cant have feeling for her or not falling in love with her.maybe you think its not possible and i respect your oppinion but i think it has to do with every individual seperately.We ve spend a lot of time together in every date and there is a thing i believe too much in and its called chemistry.i feel so comfortable when i am with her,i am totally myself.Also it happens to know before i meet her personally that she never went on a second date with a guy after she starting dating again after her break up coz she didnt like anyone until me.i know it from someone who knows her.maybe it make things more complicated about her.

Also i started reading this book "no more mr nice guy" but i didnt find it related to me so i stopped reading it.i dont have any of the symptoms.but thank you for your suggestion of course!

May 19, 2013

Now i can comment more on your post.i think you are telling things right and i agree with the majority of them no matter how hard it is.she is ill since yesterday which means we cant meet and she texted me before to ask me how my weekend was and say that she really misses me and that she hopes she ll get better soon to see me and stuff.i have one question here.emotional unstable people like her say things they dont mean?for examples she can be really missing and have feelings for me?these people can really fee?and if she is lying why is doing it?if you could answer me these questions i ll be so greatfull to you.

One more issue.Lets say that she had never refered to her state(maybe she did accidentaly without purpose that why changed subject after)how a relationship like this goes?would she commit to me after a while and starting being a couple but with problems?and how easy is it for people like her to dump people?because your girlfriend really searched for help,tried to work things out,was in a relationship with you and really wanted to get well but still walked away.so it is never your fault but theirs,right?and can you keep hard feelings for them in the end or its all caused by their mental disorder so its not really their fault?

You ve mentioned me so many red flags that i cant really ignore but i would like to refer you a few more things to help you judge better.Sometimes she looks fatter from date to date and i know that she is not a person who normally eat much.antidepressants make you gain weight sometimes so is it a sign she might be taking them?And also about the presence of her ex.are these people haunted when somebody dumps them?Also she had some problematic childhood years with her father beating her mom and been married 3 times and even now i think her monther drinks too much and sometimes in front of her.she has told me that sometimes she feels really alone in this world.one more serious thing is that she thinks cocaine is good coz can make you have a better time while out coz it gets ur mood improved.when i didnt agree she tried to take it a bit back but it had already come out of her mouth.i think that she is acting a bit impulsive.

I am going to visit a psychoogist before i meet her this week to help me make a better desicion.If she tells me that she is not seeing a psychologist and that she things she is not mentaly ill but its just a phase she is going through what should i tell her then ?

May 19, 2013

"You have likely constructed a fantasy around this woman or man. It is time to stop the “what if’s” and “if only’s” deconstruct the fantasy. You need to distinguish what is an act from what is fact (thank you, Mell) when it comes to your Crazy ex or partner. Ignore her or his words and emotional performances and really look at her or his behaviors. That is usually where the truth of this person lies — as opposed to their words."

Obsessing Over an Abusive Ex: Thoughts on Being Stuck | Shrink4Men

"In some ways, the folks who get stuck on Crazy remind me of little kids who want to make house pets out of wild and dangerous animals. But what if I’m really, really, super special sweet to Rhonda Rattlesnake and extra, extra patient and loving? Surely she’ll see what a good boy I am and love me back."

Edited May 19, 2013 by ja123

May 20, 2013

After reading about it i can say that now a few unexplained actions and behavious of her can now be explained and make sence.Also she has told me that her life lacks meaning and that she is not happy and thinks she will never be no matter if she has everything.

The question is,should i stop dating her coz it cant really go anywhere if she really mentally ill or keep dating her and see where it goes?

We're all terminal apes living on a rock orbiting a star which like all stars has a limited lifespan, and ours will someday balloon into a red giant, incinerating the inner planets including the Earth-moon system and just about any record of human civilization. Which would probably have been erased long before then anyway, since we're living under the constant threat of killing off our own species through nuclear mutually assured destruction, not to mention being wiped out by other causes such as disease, asteroid impact or gamma-ray burst. So whether you were Aristotle, Adolf Hitler or a bum dying alone under a bridge, your marks in this life don't really seem to matter in the end, once you have enough perspective on the situation, since everything is going to be wiped other than perhaps whatever radio signals we send out. And, supposedly, the entire universe (including all the atoms in it) may eventually rip apart like a popping soap bubble.

If you have a religion or other belief system which provides you a sense of comfort and meaning and is a positive thing for your life -- great. I hope there is somehow some meaning, purpose and continuation.

If you, however, equate a belief in the meaninglessness of existence with a mental illness, I would beg to differ. A dispassionate, intellectual mind like mine finds little or no inherent meaning to life.

Feeling more like an observer of this species (rather than a full participant) I do find it intensely interesting that the semi-intelligent ape descendants I share this rock with may have identified these logical realizations themselves as a psychological disorder, and that the "normal" state of human being is one of self-delusion.

May 20, 2013

But it is what one does with the meaninglessness that is important.

May 20, 2013

I advise to get over her and move on. As sad as that is, some people are toxic sink holes--even beautiful and sexy ones. If there is a complex personality disorder it will throw you curves you can't be prepared for. And unless you are a saint who is all knowing and all forgiving and always at full objectivity--which no one is, you will be drawn into some very tough experiences. If you don't have all that much invested and you're young don't act hopeless and settle for this. I'm an empathetic person and my empathy is for you because I went through it and it can be the worse trap there is.

May 20, 2013

Hi!

First of all, some of the question you are asking me require professional knowledge about various treatments, conditions, and I don't know the answers. So I really hope that:

a.) if there are any psychology, psychiatry, etc. experts here that they will help you with more info, and

b.) that you will, like you mentioned, get the info from a expert in this field this week (make sure you prepare in advance a good list of things you wish to ask etc.).

Having said that, I'll try to answer from my experience, and again, I can't be sure that your girl has the same condition that my ex had (especially because my ex also was taking anti-depressants, so factor in depression (or depression-like symptoms))!!! So be careful to not look too much into my answers. Sorry for complicating things, but I'd rather be careful when giving advice to people.

///

emotional unstable people like her say things they dont mean?for examples she can be really missing and have feelings for me?these people can really fee?and if she is lying why is doing it?if you could answer me these questions i ll be so greatfull to you.

After reading this last post of yours, I started thinking a lot about your situation, my reply and my situation with my ex. And I've started to think that perhaps in my replies I've been focusing too much on your girl and my ex's "condition" instead of simply on their behaviour.

Why? For several reasons.

First of all, because I cannot know which of my ex's problems were connected/caused by her medical/psychological condition, and which were caused by something else (for example anti-depressants, her experience with her family, her ex cheating on her, hear eating disorder etc.).

Also, in my experience, even issues that aren't caused by a medical condition, but are caused by family upbringing etc. (for example severe trust issues, self-esteem issues etc.), are sometimes extremely hard to resolve or learn how to cope with me. So I'm not sure how worse/better it would be if her issues were caused by her emotional instability rather than her upbringing or something else. I don't know, maybe others will chime in on this.

Secondly, because in my opinion, in the end for me it wouldn't be so important to know which of her "red flags" are caused by which medical/psychological condition, but rather if at that time (at the start/before the start of the relationship) she would be ready to be in a healthy, functional relationship. If she has way too many red flags, I would sadly walk away from starting a relationship with her regardless of their cause, because I think I possibly/likely would get hurt again too much even though she would (start on) (be) working on addressing her issues.

Because I'd get hurt a lot before it would become better (if it became better...) and because maybe even when it would become better it wouldn't "erase" all the bad things that had happened in the past, and I wouldn't be "strong"/"mature"/... enough to let go of the past and enjoy the present, "better" behaviour.

One of the things that sucked the most with my ex was the feeling that I stayed with her while she was working on her issues, sucked up a lot of hurt, abuse, manipulation, ****, etc., and while she was getting much better/mature, I was getting worse and more and more hurt. And towards the end, even though she had progressed a lot, everything took a big toll on me and too much had happened for me to be able to have a healthy relationship with her. And after she dumped I kept on thinking that I took in all the crap and now she and some other guy will "reap the rewards" of my hard work, my putting up with her crap, supporting her, helping her get over her issues etc., while I'd be left behind in the gutter.

Anyway, as you can see, I'm still a bit hurt by everything, so perhaps I'm overly pessimistic and projecting my situation into your situation, especially because your situation might turn out to be vastly different (especially since she was my first real long term relationship, and you've had prior relationships and are probably/hopefully more experienced in knowing when to walk away than I was).

So I think you should at the moment focus a lot on her behaviour and decide if you want to be with someone who acts like her at this moment! Because I don't know how soon it will/would get better...

And if you decide you don't want to with her, I wouldn't focus too much on her condition of emotional instability (so you won't make her feel even more stigmatised, ashamed of it etc.), and when doing so, I'd be really supportive and understanding. I would instead be focusing on her behaviour, on her other emotions (like feeling alone, her opinion on drugs/substance abuse etc.).

////

Having said all that, I'll go on to specific parts of your post/your questions:

emotional unstable people like her say things they dont mean?for examples she can be really missing and have feelings for me?these people can really fee?and if she is lying why is doing it?if you could answer me these questions i ll be so greatfull to you.

Like I said, this is something that a professional should answer, how this condition affects her.

For example "if she can really feel"? I think a professional should answer this, but in my opinion and experience yes, they can. This isn't (in my opinion) a condition like sociopathy, where the sociopath (psychological term) cannot really feel emotions, lacks basic empathy etc. So yes, with my ex I think she truly "felt", had emotions etc.

In general with my ex I got the feeling that she was more or less like any other girl/person, with just more amplified/intense things that a lot of people have. For example we all have occasional mood swings, but with her they seemed more common and intense, and sometimes more without good reason.

So when she would be feeling something and would be showing, it would be true and what she would mean at the moment, but it would sometimes change rapidly (mood swings). And she was often quite confused about how she felt. But again, this could also be caused by a lot of other things (also the fact that she still wasn't over her ex - they had broken up 6 months before we met, so with hindsight, I should have known it was too soon. I think it's normal to not be over an (first) ex after 6 months...).

As for lying: Most of people lie occasionally. She had problems with lying, but she was aware of it and it was deliberate, so I wouldn't connect this as inherently linked to her condition. I think it had more to do with her ex lying to her, to her family upbringing etc.

One more issue.Lets say that she had never refered to her state(maybe she did accidentaly without purpose that why changed subject after)how a relationship like this goes?would she commit to me after a while and starting being a couple but with problems?

I don't know, sorry, how it would go if you didn't find out at the start or if perhaps she would never have gotten diagnosed and she wouldn't know what the problem was either. But why are you asking this "what if"? I'm trying to understand what information you wish to get with this question?

would she commit to me after a while and starting being a couple but with problems?and how easy is it for people like her to dump people?because your girlfriend really searched for help,tried to work things out,was in a relationship with you and really wanted to get well but still walked away.

"people like her" - again, I think it's really hard to figure out the "like her" part, to know how much she's affected by her condition (especially because i think the condition can be more or less "severe"/"intense"), because different people with this condition cope/work on it differently. So it's hard to generalize, at least on my part...

Well, my ex was quite commited, I'd like to think. To me it seemed and I think we were a real couple, that she had real feelings for her. We just had more problems that typical couples on average have at the start (also due to my issues, of course).

How hard to dump? For her I think it was really hard and we were together for more than a year and a half. She "dumped" me a couple of times (for a couple of hours or days), but this was something she "learnt" from her ex (who was quite older than she was) and she was aware of this and was working on it successfully. And at the end when she dumped me for the last time it was quite hard on her, at least going by what I heard from mutual friends/acquantainces.

and to be clear - looking back, there were several things she didn't do to help herself (for example intense individual psychotherapy with a therapist specialized in problems like her etc.), because the "health system" in my country wasn't good enough, her doctors didn't encourage her properly etc., and I also contributed very much to the problems in the relationship, so I shoulder a fair share of responsibility.

But like I said in previous and this post, her condition was getting better. She was cutting down on the antidepressants (towards the end she was taking none), she was getting much much better, we learnt both to cope with it much better. But I think all that happened (not just because of this condition, but because of other unrelated issues) before she got better was too much.

And another thing - she had cheated on me fairly early in the relationship (another thing she learnt from her ex), so that put additional enormous strain on the relationship, and it was never really the same afterwards, there was a lot of anger,..., on my part afterwards etc., so that's a big reason why she walked away (and why I would have walked away eventually). I still sometimes think that if she hadn't cheated on me, that our relationship would have been much better and perhaps would have worked out in the end, despite her problems (including emotional instability).

Also, she had never been truly single for a long time, she had boyfriends since she was very young, and never was single for example for a 1 year, 2 years, to really learn to be alone, independent etc. Call it GIGS, youth, ..., whatever, but she was also too young for a serious relationship. That's why I asked before about your ex, to see if she had ever been "single for a long enough time".

So there were a lot of factors on both sides in our relationship, many many of them unrelated to her emotional instability.

so it is never your fault but theirs,right?

I can understand why you have perhaps got this impression from all the posts on this site, but it is not true. It's not true it's never your fault. Looking back, I see many many things that were my fault and that contributed to our relationship being unhealthy, to our relationship ending etc. So in my opinion, it's possible that a person that has emotional instability, but is coping so well with it that in the end the emotional instability is not a (big) factor in how the relationship turns out or ends, and it's the "other person's fault" or nobody's fault, but just sometimes things run out in love. So I wouldn't generalize things like this.

and can you keep hard feelings for them in the end or its all caused by their mental disorder so its not really their fault?

I'm not sure what you mean by this or why this is important if you can keep hard feelings for them? I'll wait for you to answer before I answer this point.

You ve mentioned me so many red flags that i cant really ignore

"Can't ignore" in what sense?

ometimes she looks fatter from date to date and i know that she is not a person who normally eat much.antidepressants make you gain weight sometimes so is it a sign she might be taking them?

I wouldn't look too much into her weight gain, because there are many many other possible reasons - she's simply gaining weight because she's eating too much and not being active enough, perhaps because of some stressful period in her life (heck, it has happened to me:)), she has an eating disorder, she's started taking contraception, she's quit smoking, ... So I wouldn't try to figure out if she's taking them by trying to see the signs, but I would ask her in a normal, mature conversation!

And also about the presence of her ex.are these people haunted when somebody dumps them?

I think my ex wasn't haunted more than an average person would be 6 months after they've been dumped by someone they've (on and off) been for 3+ years and who was their first real long term relationship. Heck, I think I've been haunted for a longer time by her breaking up with me than she was by her ex breaking up with her.

SAlso she had some problematic childhood years with her father beating her mom and been married 3 times and even now i think her monther drinks too much and sometimes in front of her.

Ouch, that is really bad! I think that would cause big issues in any person, and perhaps might even contribute to some extent to emotional instability (you'd have to check this). So she'll have to resolve the consequences this has caused on her (the book Toxic Parents might be really good for her).

So I think it's possible that even without the emotional instability she would have enough on her plate to deal with before getting in a serious relationship...

she has told me that sometimes she feels really alone in this world

I think it might be really good for her, no matter how hard it is, to try to stand up on her own feet with the help of friend and other relatives, not through a relationship. I'd encourage her to think about trying to build a support network of (female! and gay guys) friends before getting in a serious relationship.

For me it was a terrible burden to hear from my ex that she felt alone and that I was her only friend, the only one who was there for her etc. It put immense pressure on me and really made me feel responsible for her well being. At some points, I felt more like a parent/friend/therapist to her than her boyfriend. (and this has nothing to do with her emotional instability).

.one more serious thing is that she thinks cocaine is good coz can make you have a better time while out coz it gets ur mood improved.when i didnt agree she tried to take it a bit back but it had already come out of her mouth.i think that she is acting a bit impulsive.

Uff, major red flag (even without thinking about anything else about her).

I am going to visit a psychoogist before i meet her this week to help me make a better desicion.If

Good, and talk to your friends&family. Also, read the Toxic parents chapter (about abusive parents etc.), if not because of yourself&your parents, at least to get a bit better understanding what parents like her parents can cause to a person (i'm not saying it was the case with her, but perhaps you will be able to recognize some signs...).

if she tells me that she is not seeing a psychologist and that she things she is not mentaly ill but its just a phase she is going through what should i tell her then ?

First of all, I WOULD NOT USE in conversation with her the phrase "mentally ill". It's a terrible, stigmatising and often incorrect term, that drives people away from admitting and sharing their problems and seeking help.

I would think that she has certain issues that ARE NOT HER FAULT (I hope she realizes that), but with which she has to eventually deal with. It is not her fault what her parents did, for the biological/neurochemcial composition of her brain etc., but after a while it is her "fault" if she doesn't try to deal with the issues.

For example, I think I am (and was) pretty ****ed up by my parents and by my ex, and I've been attending therapy for a long time. Now, am I normal? No, not by a long shot, I still have too much do resolve. Am I mentally ill? I don't think of myself like that. It's not my fault for what my parents did, and me being reluctant to admit the issues to myself was a consequence of those issues, but still, at some point it became my responsibility to try to deal with those issue which weren't my fault to start with.

I'd strongly encourage her (whether you will stay with her or not!!!) (or even ask one of her friends to help her to find out more info) to join a support groups for survivors of family abuse (even though she perhaps wasn't abused, the fact the she grew up with her dad abusing her mom is imo enough...), for other support groups (I don't know which ones are available in your region), to go see a therapist about her issues (feeling alone without a support network, feeling without purpose etc., substance abuse etc.). I'd try to make the whole "emotional instability" thing just a small part of the overall story/decision when talking to her, but nevertheless I'd try to encourage her to continue the (good) work on herself, including the "emotional instability". Encourage her to foster functional friendships (imo, if she has trouble in having a healthy, functional friendship with lots of people, it might be even harder to have a healthy romantic relationship). Try to imagine how you would want to be treated if you had the same issues as her. The key, for me is to feel empathy, to others, but first and foremost to yourself.

My ex gf is already much much better and will probably soon (after some hard work she has put in) be able to be in a functional relationship (maybe she already is, haven't talked to her in a long time and i don't think i ever will again), so I'd encourage her before going away. Who knows, maybe some day in the future, when she has learnt to cope with her issues, you'll get together, life is weird.

And if you decide to not be with her (at least until some time in the future she has resolved her issues or learnt to cope with them and function in a healthy relationship), I'd offer her words of encouragement and support before explaining her that you like her too much to be just her friend. But again, that might be my mistake, and perhaps in your case somehow it would be better to either continue to be in a relationship with her (at least to see how things develop) or stay with her as a friend.

But my experience is to from now on avoid relationships with girls who have such issues that are at the time not letting them have normal (friendship/romantic) relationships, no matter how much compassion I feel for them and how much I wish to be with them and to help them. I have given my heart and my almost everything to a girl with big issues (that weren't her fault) and who was trying a lot to help herself, but I hope I will never try to "save" anyone again (again, it's different if somewhere along the line something happens to your significant other, then of course you try your best). Also, the impulse to try to "save" a girl was for me a big sign of the magnitude of the big issues I myself had and a reminder that I myself wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Healthy people with healthy boundaries will not enter a relationship with so much potential for abuse etc., or will at least walk away quickly to protect themselves.

And I've also learnt to not try to be friends with girls, unless I've known them for ages and there's absolutely no attraction whatsoever. So if i were in your shoes, I wouldn't try to be friends with her, because it would be too hard and hurtful for me.

It's your life, you must make your decisions and I'm terribly "afraid" to give you the wrong advice, no matter how well intended. So I cannot and will not try to tell you what to do, I'm just trying to say what I would (probably, who knows how I'd react in a live situtation) like to act like, given the limited information I have.

Best of wishes and hope to hear from you soon!

May 20, 2013

Feelin frisky thank you very much for your advice my friend.i really appreciate the effort from all of you to help me make the right desicion.U ve been through it so u know hard it is.

My friend celvin's wagon thank you very much for your wonderfull post once more.there is one thing i want to say first of all.you really helped this woman.you were there for her,you sucked up so much hurt,u supported her when nobody did and did your best to help her heal coz u really loved.u wonder now about is somebody else is going to have her and pretty much healed after your try and time with her while u stay bitter.well my friend there will come a day,and i am sure about it,when she will wake up in the morning and understand what a mistake was losing you.so whether u want to believe it or not be prepared for it.there will come a day when she ll come back and you ll have to make a desicion.of course you will not leave your life waiting but i tell to you as a fact.

About the "if" question you are right i should not worry about it and i will not.

Today i keep asking my self whats the only one reason to keep dating her when i have so many reasons to walk away from her.and the answer is that i am in love with her.maybe you cant understand it but i can.and it makes things really hard.following your heart is easy.following your brain is tough.

May 20, 2013

Hi,

I'm glad you responded so quickly and that you're still with us here:)

Before and during reading, please bear this song in mind -

. After/during my relationship with my ex, the song had completely new meaning to me, sadly.

My friend celvin's wagon thank you very much for your wonderfull post once more.there is one thing i want to say first of all.you really helped this woman.you were there for her,you sucked up so much hurt,u supported her when nobody did and did your best to help her heal coz u really loved.u wonder now about is somebody else is going to have her and pretty much healed after your try and time with her while u stay bitter.well my friend there will come a day,and i am sure about it,when she will wake up in the morning and understand what a mistake was losing you.so whether u want to believe it or not be prepared for it.there will come a day when she ll come back and you ll have to make a desicion.of course you will not leave your life waiting but i tell to you as a fact.

Thank you for this, but I've already told my ex to never ever contact me again and to ignore if we ever see each other ever again. She has ripped my heart to pieces, lied to me, cheated, manipulated, tested me, used me as a rebound, exposed me to the dangers of STDs, unwanted pregnancy etc. She made me hate her while I loved her, and it's one of the worst feelings in the world, to love and hate someone at the same time. She lied to me too much and for too long for me to ever truly trust her again, trust anything she'd say again. She turned me from someone really nice and kind to everyone around me into someone with lots of anger, mistrust, bitterness etc. towards people around me, especially women, and most especially towards myself. And I'm still struggling to heal. So even though there's still a small stubborn part of me that wishes that we'd somehow get back together, it's getting smaller with time, and I only wish to become completely indifferent about her and for one day to never ever think or feel anything about her again.

About the "if" question you are right i should not worry about it and i will not.

Sorry, what "if" question are we referring here? It's been a long discussion:)

Today i keep asking my self whats the only one reason to keep dating her when i have so many reasons to walk away from her.and the answer is that i am in love with her. .maybe you cant understand it but i can.and it makes things really hard. .following your heart is easy.following your brain is tough.

Well, yes, I can understand, I loved my ex and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, get married, have kids & grow old & happy with her. So I understand that you are in love with her (or at least with your image of her - see jaa123's and feeling frisky's posts). And that it's hard to go against that.

Look... You have to ask yourself (and people around you with more experience and who care about you, like your friends, family etc.) how much are you willing to "suffer" in the name of love. Is your love unconditional? How much crap & hurt & everything else are you prepared to bear in the name of love?

Seriously - I mean literally - what are the things that will make you go away no matter how much in love you are with her? Before/as you decide, let's talk about this, or think about this (with your friends) - go list ALL her red flags, and then write next to each of the red flags what the line is that she cannot cross!

For example, regarding cocaine - will her taking cocaine just once after you two start as a couple be a dealbreaker for you? Will it be if she takes it twice? What, what will be the dealbreaker(s)?

//

And ask yourself if she's something so uniquely special and awesome for you that you think you'll never find anyone else like her? That in a couple of months or years you won't find someone else with whom you could fall in love, but who wouldn't be so messed up like this girl is? Is this girl "the one"?

Because let's recap some of the things you should be thinking about:

1. She's probably been using cocaine (since she knows the effect) - damn, this alone would get me running away. Have you ever read any stories about cocaine users and their relationships? If not, go read them right this moment!

2. She's perhaps been abusing alcohol (and is denial). Do you know how hard it is with people who are abusing alcohol?

3. She's been doing cocaine and alcohol at a time when she's EITHER taking pills for her condition (completely irresponsible to mix) or when she's not looking into pills (if she hasn't checked yet if she should be taking any pills).

4. You are here only support network! You are her everything! What will happen if you two get in a fight? Who will help her calm down, who will talk to her about her relationship with you, be the friendly support she need? If you will start to feel like ending things with her, how will you feel knowing that you're her only support network? Will it stop you from leaving? Will you continue to stay out of guilt, care, empathy, compassion,...?

5. She feels life is without meaning (other than you), she thinks she will never be happy no matter how great her life will be -> have you checked the stories about what's it like to be with someone who thinks/feels like this? go check some stories about people who have been in relationships with people suffering from depression -> maybe you will recognize her in the stories (if she has depression - it's a possiblity, given her statements).

6. She has grown up in a very toxic environment - have you gone to check the chapters of the "Toxic parents" about parents like hers (physically abusive, alcoholic,...) to see how it affects the kids (her) when they get older and in relationships?

7. You mention that she's acting impulsive - have you talked to her or thought about what everything she might do on impulse, just how much impulsive she really is? What if she cheats on you, lies to you, takes drugs, ..., on impulse? What if she forgets to take her contraception pill on impulse, or convinces you to have unprotected sex on impulse?

8. How truthful and honest does she seem to be towards you?

9. Why is she so insistent on you not being in contact with her "friends"? How will she react to you spending time with your friends in the future, on your "guy time" with your buddies, instead of her?

////

But look, I don't want to you to not try out without her just because I thought that's what I'd do. I don't want you to resent me or yourself for "not listening to your hart" and trying. I hope that somehow you'll see the magnitude of her problems and how it might **** you up beyond your imagination.

But if you still decide to try it out with her, I completely understand. If you haven't been through such a relationship before, it's really hard to understand what might be waiting for you. I guess it's something someone has to experience before truly learning from it, to get burnt badly before deciding to not play with fire anymore. I do not wish to be condescending or demeaning to you or her. It's just that you remind me of myself as I was starting with my ex, and I just wish you wouldn't repeat my mistakes. But because I know how stubborn and inexperienced and full of ideas about one true love I was at the time, I understand why you "have to" go through with this, and that you'll only learn based on your own personal experience.

I just hope that:

- you don't hurt someone innocent in this story (i.e. get a baby with her, possible subjecting the baby to a very dangerous environment, alcohol&drugs during pregnancy,...)

- you don't get hurt FUBAR (f---ed up beyond all repair) during this learning experience.

I get it, I truly do. You need to try it out before you learn, and it was like that with me. C'est la vie And people on this site will be here to support you through your journey and troubles, and I truly truly truly wish that you two will end up truly happy together, despite of my fears!

I hope you don't take this post the wrong way. Perhaps all I did was to push you in the other direction, towards her. I hope not

I'm not saying to not be with her at all. I'm just desperately trying to convey you all the questions you should be asking yourself (and her) before committing to a relationship with her, to try to convince you to really really think hard about this, to talk it out with your friends.

I cannot guarantee you that you will meet someone whom you'll like so much as you liked her. I think there're very good chances that you will, at least from my experience. After my ex, I have met a lot of women who were awesome, even more than my ex, who liked me and/or wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with them, but I was just so completely ****ed up by my ex that I wasn't ready, and I'm really sorry that I missed so many great women because of how I let myself get used and hurt in the relationship with my ex.

Anyway, I'll stop now and wait for your reply. Trust me, I'm on your side in all this, and I just want you to realize how complex, difficult and far-reaching your decision here might be, and to try to help you protect yourself as much as possible. Best wishes!

Edited May 20, 2013 by Calvin's wagon

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The girl i am dating suffers from emotional instability:/

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