The girl i am dating suffers from emotional instability:/

[edelveis]

Well yesterday we dated again and while we had a conversation about emotions and people she told me she has emotional instability which has caused her many problems like tachycardia,loss of meaning in life and more.

 

I searched about this disorder and i found out that its a serious mental disorder.People suffering from emotinal instability in their twenties, they may have the emotional maturity of a young teenager. Like many young teenagers, even adults with this disorder have highly changeable moods, intense anger and impulsiveness. Self harm and repeated suicide attempts are seen in the more severely ill. Between 8-10% of these individuals die due to suicide. Like a young teenager, their self-identity is unstable (with their life lacking meaning and purpose), and likewise their social relationships are unstable. They overreact to stress and go from crisis to crisis. Individuals with this disorder usually suffer from 2 or more psychiatric disorders.

 

After reading about it i can say that now a few unexplained actions and behavious of her can now be explained and make sence.Also she has told me that her life lacks meaning and that she is not happy and thinks she will never be no matter if she has everything.

 

The question is,should i stop dating her coz it cant really go anywhere if she really mentally ill or keep dating her and see where it goes?i really like her and will hurt me to have to leave her.

[Mrlonelyone]

Is she at least in treatment for some of her problems?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Are you talking about Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Mrlonelyone]

Are you talking about Borderline Personality Disorder?

 

Sounds like he's talking about either Borderline PD, Histrionic PD, or Bipolar Manic Depression.

 

IME one can have relationships with people who have such conditions provided a few things.

 

• They are at least self aware enough to know they have an emotional issue and check themselves.
   
  
• They are in some kind of treatment and recognize that they are a part of the problems in the relationship and are willing to do the work to address the problems.
   
  
• You as their relationship partner aren't trying to fix them, support them for sure, but not fix them.
  

[edelveis]

thank you everyone.i ve searched it a bit more and i think its the same name for borderline personality disorder.she is seeing a cardiologist coz it has caused her tachycardia stuff but i dont think she is visiting a psychologist.also she changes her mood so often.for example she might be so warm and caring to me in the morning and so cold and bad mood 4 hours later.this disorder is something permanent or just a phase she is going through?i am confused coz i dont know what to with her

[ja123]

She'll need a very good psychologist who specializes in BPD. She'll need to be proactive in managing it, too. There's a book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl that might help with some of her existential angst. Also the study and practice some principles of Bushido.

 

As for you, if you want a serious stable, tranquil relationship, then you had best move on.

[Emilia]

thank you everyone.i ve searched it a bit more and i think its the same name for borderline personality disorder.she is seeing a cardiologist coz it has caused her tachycardia stuff but i dont think she is visiting a psychologist.also she changes her mood so often.for example she might be so warm and caring to me in the morning and so cold and bad mood 4 hours later.this disorder is something permanent or just a phase she is going through?i am confused coz i dont know what to with her

If she doesn't get treatment for it, she will likely not recover from it, depending on the intensity. Some people do but the vast majority don't.

 

BPD is nasty, I'd recommend that you don't get involved with her if she doesn't seek treatment. BPDs are notorious for abandoning therapy unfortunately so the odds on her recovering from this is very slim.

 

Also, expect her to cut you off for periods of time without any explanation. This is the worst aspect of BPD as well as the self-defensive projecting that results in slashing out, inexplicable anger, etc.

 

I've been there so I can tell you it's nasty.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I want to add that her tachycardia may be a heart problem rather than psychological. Just because a person has BPD, doesn't mean that they can't get physically sick. I have seen this tendency for every sign or symptom, physical or psychological to be assumed to be BPD.

 

Also, the fact that she goes hot and cold may be that she is not that into you rather than BPD. Can you give more concrete examples of her behavior?

[carhill]

she has told me that her life lacks meaning and that she is not happy and thinks she will never be no matter if she has everything.

 

Believe her. Good luck.

[edelveis]

Emillia so there is nothing i can do to help her right?i would like to support her and be there for her coz i have feelings for her and its hard for me to say myself to walk away.

 

Eternal sunshine the thing is that i didnt take out of myself that she suffers from it.she told to me.and also her cardiologist diagnosed many times that her tachycardia is caused from it.i dont have any reason to doubt the professional doctor.

 

About if she is not that into me i will refer you a few more symptoms of her behaviour.She is telling me that i am the only person who make her feel happy and so nice being with and she doesnt want to lose me.she asked me for exclusive dating before i even had the chance to ask her first because she thinks i am different and she feels she can totally trust me.she textes me during night to say me how much she misses me when i am away.she has introduced me to her friends as her boyfriend and wants to meet my brother and friends.The thing is she will text me for example at 15.00 in the noon and she will be so warm to me and stuff and when i ll text her at 20.00 she will be in bad mood and kinda cold.and the same circle tomorrow.

 

She also tells me that she feels so lonely in this word with her life lacking of meaning.Also she says she has noone to rely on in her family and that except when shes with me shes always sad.i know she had hard childhood years with her problematic family.And there are many things about her whihc i know she is keepiing them secret.

[ja123]

OP, what type of GF would you like to have in your life? Someone stable who makes you happy where you can progress to something more serious and long-term? If so, then you must let this girl go. It's sad that she had family problems that contributed to her current mental state, but it's not your job to fix her. She needs to do that herself with professional help.

 

OP, really, move on.

[carhill]

Also she says she has noone to rely on in her family and that except when shes with me shes always sad.i know she had hard childhood years with her problematic family

 

More truth. Accept it. Compatible FOO is very important, IMO.

[KathyM]

There is nothing you can do to help her, other than to encourage her to get counseling. Borderline Personality Disorder is very hard to treat. It is engrained and would take several months of counseling, possibly years of counseling, to have any significant improvement. It's very difficult to treat, and many, despite getting counseling, do not overcome many of their symptoms. Counseling might help with some of the more severe symptoms, such as suicidality and emotional instability, but the feelings of emptiness, fear of abandonment, and splitting (switching being idolizing and demonizing of people) is very difficult to change. I would suggest you urge her to get counseling, and then you find a way to exit the relationship. You can't change her, and even the most experienced of therapists would have a hard time making significant progress with her. I'm sorry.

[edelveis]

thank you kathy for your pieces of advice.so u think that if i stay in this relationship i will end up really emotionally hurted ?and for some reason i break her hurt she might get even worse?because i know she had a bad experience from her previous relationship which i think made things even worse for her.

 

 

Carhill and Ja123 i know i have to let go of her and i hope to do the right thing in the end.but i am in love with her and its hard to tell yourself to walk away from the woman you re in love with.

[Mrlonelyone]

About if she is not that into me i will refer you a few more symptoms of her behaviour.

 

 

The thing about people with these issues is that their extreme responses to you are 10 to 30 percent about you and the rest about their disorder or issue.

She will say she's into you when she isn't;

She will say she's not into you when she is;

She will say one thing, and do the polar opposite to the extreme.

 

Hearing you reminds me of the person I just got done dealing with. She told me things about her family, personal things good and bad things.

 

 

She would also have wild extreme mood swings up and down. One day I would be the greatest person to ever come into her life, the next I was scum between her toes. One minute she wants me the next she does not. One minute life is wonderful the next life is awful.

 

 

Other people noticed this about her as well.

 

 

I can't say she has BPD, Bipolar, or some other issue. I had a room mate who was a diagnosed bipolar who did some simmilar things. I know I am not perfect either. I just want you to know I really do know what you are dealing with.

 

 

 

 

 

My frank advice.

 

 

If this person brings something good into your life, beyond sexuality, for your trouble, then by all means help and support her.

 

 

If this person is just all about you taking care of her and being a white knight, but does nothing for you, then walk away. This wounded birds wing will never really heal, she'll always fly funny.

[carhill]

Carhill and Ja123 i know i have to let go of her and i hope to do the right thing in the end.but i am in love with her and its hard to tell yourself to walk away from the woman you re in love with.

 

Understand. Been there, done that, and have the emotional scarring to prove it. Perhaps it's just something you have to go through, IDK. You'll love her unless and/or until you don't.

[edelveis]

Mrlonelyone i am really sorry to hear you were facing a situation similar to mine because i can totally understand you and i know it keeps pushing you to chaos.But how did your personal story finally end?what did you do with this girl?did you walk away?

[edelveis]

thnx carhill for the support.the support from all of you really helps me.Carhill did you have a situation familliar to mine?

[Mrlonelyone]

Mrlonelyone i am really sorry to hear you were facing a situation similar to mine because i can totally understand you and i know it keeps pushing you to chaos.But how did your personal story finally end?what did you do with this girl?did you walk away?

 

Well I really hope it's over. As far as I am concerned it is. To be brief we had some pretty good ups and some really low downs. Tracking with her mood swings mainly.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/393920-going-total-nc-m-too-much-crazy-put-up

 

 

Her latest overreaction is so far over the line that I never want her to come crawling back. However, I know she'll try to crawl back.

 

 

 

There is a reason I put up with this stuff. My mom and dad had 10 rocky years of relationship chaos before finally getting married. They broke up, made up, broke up, made up, for a decade... and have now been married for 30+ years. So these things can work out well in the end, but it's not going to be easy.

 

 

 

 

On the other hand, when are relationships ever really truly easy? It's always work. So long as both of you are willing and able to do the work.

[edelveis]

Mrlonelyone i hope you are sure about your desicion.If sure then stick on it and move on.Did you ever discuss with her about her problem though?did you tell her that its pushing you away from her?what did she say about it?i dont know if i should tell her that i ll walk away for this reason.if i finally walk away.

 

Yeah i agree with you but these situations need 2 mature persons who really want to be together and they ll find their way in the end.what we are dealing with is different i think.maybe these girls will never heal as you said.maybe they ll be always like that and they ll never find love or happiness.and thats why i really feel sorry for her.Did you have feelings about her which made it easier to walk away?

[carhill]

Carhill did you have a situation familliar to mine?

Yeah, back when I was your age, with dating partners, then later in life with female friends. Many examples. Those experiences taught the value of emotional stability and examining a potential partner's FOO (family of origin) for compatibility. That said, it is possible to swing too far to the 'other side', meaning embracing a marked lack of emotional expression as 'safe'. I did that, ostensibly as a reaction to prior experience, when selecting a marriage partner.

 

Examine 'why' you love this person and reflect upon that. Your experience is individual. Your answers will also necessarily be individual.

[KathyM]

thank you kathy for your pieces of advice.so u think that if i stay in this relationship i will end up really emotionally hurted ?and for some reason i break her hurt she might get even worse?because i know she had a bad experience from her previous relationship which i think made things even worse for her.

 

 

Carhill and Ja123 i know i have to let go of her and i hope to do the right thing in the end.but i am in love with her and its hard to tell yourself to walk away from the woman you re in love with.

Most likely, you will end up very hurt if you stay in this relationship, because one trait of borderlines is that they switch between idolizing you and devaluing you. Sometimes in very short succession. It will be like walking on eggshells, where you never know what will set her off, or make her start hating you. She will show extremes of emotion, switching between being extremely angry at you for little to no reason, and then being all lovey and clingy the next moment or next day. People with BPD have unstable, irratic relationships. They are not able to process their feelings or control their emotions. They live on impulse, both with their emotions and their behavior.

[edelveis]

Kathy what you describe reminds me so much of her behaviour and explains so much.i have doubts for one more thing.she told me that in the past she had relationship for 6 months and another for one year.is it something people like her can manage?i ask you coz i think you seem to know a lot about it.

[Mrlonelyone]

Mrlonelyone i hope you are sure about your desicion.If sure then stick on it and move on.Did you ever discuss with her about her problem though?did you tell her that its pushing you away from her?what did she say about it?i dont know if i should tell her that i ll walk away for this reason.if i finally walk away.

 

I am sure. The truth is there is just so much crazy I can have in my life right now.

 

 

She went from, just a few weeks ago, having told things to her parents that painted me as a possible future son in law, (based on what they told me she told them) all the way to apparently, having asked the dean of our school to tell me to leave her alone. That all six months we were courting were just terrible etc etc.

 

 

That she can go to such an extreme mood swing and change from having me be a great guy to having me be a total villain is just too far. Way too far.

 

 

Especially since I would graduate and simply be able to break contact and never ever see her without any such measures.

 

 

After explaining my side of things, and I'm sure asking around a bit, the dean decided to bar her from initiating any contact with me as well.

 

 

There is a limit to what I am willing to deal with.

 

 

Yeah i agree with you but these situations need 2 mature persons who really want to be together and they ll find their way in the end.what we are dealing with is different i think.maybe these girls will never heal as you said.maybe they ll be always like that and they ll never find love or happiness.and thats why i really feel sorry for her.Did you have feelings about her which made it easier to walk away?

 

 

 

 

Yes they do, and as my parents demonstrate people can work through these things.

 

 

It involves both parties wanting, in the end, to make it work. It involves both parties being emotionally honest with themselves and eachother. Not just about who's into who, but about owning their own emotional responses and their reactiosns to other actions.

 

Right now I frankly don't give a damn if she ever finds love or happiness. In fact I know from having seen other people who were diagnosed BPD and/or bipolar manic-depression that without treatment it will only get worse.

 

 

That roomate I mentioned. They eventually ended up pushing away everyone they know with their mood swings.

[Mrlonelyone]

Most likely, you will end up very hurt if you stay in this relationship, because one trait of borderlines is that they switch between idolizing you and devaluing you. Sometimes in very short succession. It will be like walking on eggshells, where you never know what will set her off, or make her start hating you. She will show extremes of emotion, switching between being extremely angry at you for little to no reason, and then being all lovey and clingy the next moment or next day. People with BPD have unstable, irratic relationships. They are not able to process their feelings or control their emotions. They live on impulse, both with their emotions and their behavior.

 

Bingo

 

 

People with bipolar manic depression are not that different relationship wise. (I don't mean just romantic either, I mean work and friendships too.) Without treatment or therapy an "emotionally unstable" person is going to be really hard to have a relationship with.

 

 

Relationships are all about emotions. So unstable emotions means unstable relationships, unless and until that person can take control of and own their own reactions and not blame their partner for their reactions.