Bill Mackson Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I've been dating a woman I truly love for almost 2 years. Some things about her past have come out. In the first six months she would tell me about it. It wasn't just plain past sex partners it was affairs with married men, threesomes with close friends of hers. This **** started scaring me and at this point I asked, that was a mistake. Her number is around 50, granted we're 37. The final thing was I found out that she slept with someone that one of her good friends was involved with and all this makes me not trust her. Am I being dumb? We've been fighting about me judging her about her past and not trusting. How do I come to terms with this and should I? Please help, I have a very hard the letting go of stuff.
TaraMaiden Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Oh god, not this old chestnut again.... It's none of your business. I always think if there might be stuff you don't want to know - then don't ask the questions..... So many - SO MANY!! - threads, from GUYS 'concerned' about their GF's 'past'. Don't sit in judgement, criticism or condemnation. People have lives. What kind of lives they have depends on circumstances and choices. She made choices. If you think they were bad - that's your choice to view them as such. Frankly, whatever your opinion of her, it won't change what's happened. Sadly, your upset is more your problem to deal with. What has happened, has happened. Either accept or reject. But don't carry on with a relationship if you can't resolve this and accept it. Oh, you'll get a whole host of different opinions now. Guys who will tell you to drop her, she's a Ho'.... get yourself tested, that kind of thing. Some people will agree with you, other people will tell you to get off your high horse.... You know what? Bottom line is this: Either suck it up and accept it, or move on and leave it behind. Those are your choices, Bro'. 2
sillyanswer Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 You can't change it, so deal with it. Plus everything that Tara-"the lips"-Maiden said. 2
Author Bill Mackson Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 I didn't ask, and she continues to talk to these guys and they have said sexually things to her.
TaraMaiden Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I didn't ask, and she continues to talk to these guys and they have said sexually things to her. Yes, you asked..... I've been dating a woman I truly love for almost 2 years. Some things about her past have come out. In the first six months she would tell me about it. It wasn't just plain past sex partners it was affairs with married men, threesomes with close friends of hers. This **** started scaring me and at this point I asked, that was a mistake. Her number is around 50, granted we're 37. The final thing was I found out that she slept with someone that one of her good friends was involved with and all this makes me not trust her. Am I being dumb? We've been fighting about me judging her about her past and not trusting. How do I come to terms with this and should I? Please help, I have a very hard the letting go of stuff. My advice still stands. If you decide to stay with her - then put it behind you, and leave it be. If you cannot exist in this relationship with her - and now, suddenly, you add the "oh by the way, she's still getting texts" bit - then dump her and move on. Life's too short to let personal angsts to get in the way. 2
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Ignorance is bliss my friend. I don't know how you should handle it now, but should you find yourself in this situation again, just don't ask about a woman's past. You don't want to know and you don't really need to know. All you need to know is that your partner is clean and what she likes in bed. You don't need nor want to know how many men she's been with or who she's been with. Just take the blue pill.
CarrieT Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I didn't ask, and she continues to talk to these guys and they have said sexually things to her. Break up with her. You obviously can't accept her for who she is so do her a favor and let her find someone who is not so judgmental. Look, you fell in love with her for a reason and that reason is the PACKAGE. The Person she is now is a combination of all those experiences. Without them, she wouldn't be the person you love today. Like sausages, people don't like knowing how they are made but they still love them. If you can't love the woman you are with now knowing how she was made, then do her the favor of allowing her to find someone who will. 1
joystickd Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Ignorance is bliss my friend. I don't know how you should handle it now, but should you find yourself in this situation again, just don't ask about a woman's past. You don't want to know and you don't really need to know. All you need to know is that your partner is clean and what she likes in bed. You don't need nor want to know how many men she's been with or who she's been with. Just take the blue pill. If she is really into you she would be willing to share her past. The past is what forms the person you are dealing with in the present. The question is knowing what a person's past is can you handle it. You have all the information now you are willing to make an informed decision. Do you want to continue being with her or not? Men can be insecure about a woman's past we are not judging her. The thing is who wants to be with someone that has a man that knows how to push her buttons and at anytime can call her up and she runs to him because she knows it's the best sex she has ever had. This is why virginity among men is so revered. As pimps would say it's better to have a turnout than a burn out. I know as a man the best thing is to understand sex and instead of worrying about getting a nut worry abut giving at least two orgasms to a woman. Hell a lot of women walking around lucky to get one but when you can consistently give two or more then you have done excellent. This way you can be the guy that when she has someone else he is worried because you put in down in the bedroom and also f**ked her mentally too.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 If she is really into you she would be willing to share her past. The past is what forms the person you are dealing with in the present. The question is knowing what a person's past is can you handle it. You have all the information now you are willing to make an informed decision. Do you want to continue being with her or not? Men can be insecure about a woman's past we are not judging her. The thing is who wants to be with someone that has a man that knows how to push her buttons and at anytime can call her up and she runs to him because she knows it's the best sex she has ever had. This is why virginity among men is so revered. As pimps would say it's better to have a turnout than a burn out. I know as a man the best thing is to understand sex and instead of worrying about getting a nut worry abut giving at least two orgasms to a woman. Hell a lot of women walking around lucky to get one but when you can consistently give two or more then you have done excellent. This way you can be the guy that when she has someone else he is worried because you put in down in the bedroom and also f**ked her mentally too. Well, if you can handle knowing about someone's past, that's great for you. I cannot handle it and would judge a woman based on her past. That's the truth. I freely admit it. Therefore, in order to not judge, I simply do not want to know. I will believe whatever I want to believe. In exchange, all I ask is that a woman not ask me about my (lack of a) past. I'm a kissless virgin, and no woman needs to know that. Sounds like a square deal to me...
joystickd Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Well, if you can handle knowing about someone's past, that's great for you. I cannot handle it and would judge a woman based on her past. That's the truth. I freely admit it. Therefore, in order to not judge, I simply do not want to know. I will believe whatever I want to believe. In exchange, all I ask is that a woman not ask me about my (lack of a) past. I'm a kissless virgin, and no woman needs to know that. Sounds like a square deal to me... How would you feel if someone told her and she dumped you because you lied? Aren't you being unfair to her by not being open with her so she can make an informed decision about you? 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 How would you feel if someone told her and she dumped you because you lied? Aren't you being unfair to her by not being open with her so she can make an informed decision about you? Who said anything about lying? I'd never lie, I'd just exaggerate the truth.
joystickd Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Who said anything about lying? I'd never lie, I'd just exaggerate the truth. It's still lying. If you can't tell her the truth then you don't respect her. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 It's still lying. If you can't tell her the truth then you don't respect her. If you say so. I think it's much better than having an affair or being abusive. But, that's just me. Maybe I don't respect women. Don't really care...
joystickd Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 If you say so. I think it's much better than having an affair or being abusive. But, that's just me. Maybe I don't respect women. Don't really care... Honestly how would you feel if you found out a woman you were with had a gangbang with some of your friends before you? I know women know my history. They know I have been with married women. Honestly it has helped me get women being OM. In the context of a relationship we all want loyalty and honesty is part of that. If someone can't be honest with me then they don't respect me and they damn sure won't be loyal to me. BTW there are women that like a man with lack of experience. They will mold them into a lover that will give them the heights of pleasure. The thing is you have to be willing and have to be open and receptive. I was once inexperienced and one offered to give me some experience. You would be surprise what honesty gets you sometimes
denise_xo Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I think that if you can't get over it, you're not compatible and it's good to move on. I wish, in general, women (and men) would just be honest about their pasts up front. The lack of honesty keeps distorted realities alive in ways that just aren't helpful to anybody.
joystickd Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I think that if you can't get over it, you're not compatible and it's good to move on. I wish, in general, women (and men) would just be honest about their pasts up front. The lack of honesty keeps distorted realities alive in ways that just aren't helpful to anybody. I agree with this 100%
CarrieT Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I wish, in general, women (and men) would just be honest about their pasts up front. The lack of honesty keeps distorted realities alive in ways that just aren't helpful to anybody. That is a slippery slope, Denise... There are some people who do not want to know things and others who do. Sometimes it takes a few dates -- and getting a bit too emotionally involved -- before you know if you are with someone who wants to know things versus someone who does not. I have always been up front from the get-go because I am a no-holds-bar kinda woman and don't want to wait around to find out if a guy is someone who wants to know a lot or not. It is usually in the telling process I learn that...
denise_xo Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 That is a slippery slope, Denise... There are some people who do not want to know things and others who do. Sometimes it takes a few dates -- and getting a bit too emotionally involved -- before you know if you are with someone who wants to know things versus someone who does not. I have always been up front from the get-go because I am a no-holds-bar kinda woman and don't want to wait around to find out if a guy is someone who wants to know a lot or not. It is usually in the telling process I learn that... Just to clarify, I wasn't suggesting that people should go around announcing their pasts as a matter of course - but that if asked, it shouldn't be kept hidden or lied about. As you say, when the truth comes out, you find out pretty quickly whether there are deal breakers involved. I don't fully understand the 'don't want to know' attitude. Personally, I'd rather just know, and then if it's a deal breaker we're not compatible anyway. If you say you don't want to know because you're expecting there's something there you don't like or you can't live with, you're kind of living a lie, I think. I don't have much interest in the specifics my partner's past sex experiences, it's generally not the kind of thing I ask about when I get to know someone. I think it's instructive to hear how people talk about past relationships, though, because IME you can learn a lot about a person from how that's discussed.
TheGuard13 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 How do I come to terms with this and should I? Please help, I have a very hard the letting go of stuff. What exactly do you want to get over? What bothers you about it? If it's a question of trust, that's between you and your girlfriend, not something just you can get over on your own. Has she given you any reason to believe she's not trustworthy now? If you can't handle her past, or if her past makes you insecure or something, I'd say it's probably best to end the relationship, as there would be obvious compatability issues.
TaraMaiden Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 This is turning into one of those "OP posts once then disappears" threads......
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I don't fully understand the 'don't want to know' attitude. Personally, I'd rather just know, and then if it's a deal breaker we're not compatible anyway. If you say you don't want to know because you're expecting there's something there you don't like or you can't live with, you're kind of living a lie, I think. Yup. That's exactly it. Sometimes, I'd rather live a lie than know the truth. I'm a rather judgmental person. If a woman were to tell me (truthfully) that she was a virgin I'd think "what the heck was wrong with her that she never sought out a boyfriend or was pursued by a guy". If she revealed she had any casual sex at all (even just once or twice) I'd be very judgmental of her choices. Now, since I don't want to look like a mean jealous, spiteful judgmental eunuch, and I don't want to alienate 80%+ of my potential dating pool, I'd rather just not know and be fine. I'm a pretty clueless guy when it comes to this dating thing so it's not like I'm going to get curious. The secondary issue is that I don't want anyone I date to know I'm a virgin and never kissed before. But again, that's secondary to the former issue of me being very judgmental.
dichotomy Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) Honesty is all there is to any serious long term loving relationship. Part of this honesty is a shared sense of beliefs. I don't know how we get into judgements other than honesty and wishing to be with some who shares your beliefs. I have issues if a guy - had no issues sowing "a few" wild oats in his day, but then gets upset because his gal sowed more then him, or wilder oats then him. Its a double standard then But when someone has certain understood core beliefs, and the other hides their own, well that's an issue. If they have changed, well then they still owe it to be open and honest. This issues has been debated here - so much. In your case - I don't understand what your beliefs are on sex, what your past was like, what you told your gal about how you felt about these things - and whether she believes them too, or lied about her beliefs, or actions. What does she believe and what do you believe now, and in the past? It does not matter what I think about her past actions or beliefs. I was very clear with all my loved women what I believe in on sex, drugs, violence, money, God/Jesus, marriage, children, and my health. I have also let them know that sometimes I failed at my beliefs. I don't care if someone judges me or not for my beliefs, it is more important that I am with someone who shares those beliefs.... or at least accepts or respects them. There is a very interesting movie called "a history of violence" which examines what happens when a man, hides his past, and what happens when it comes out and his wife and children discover it. The ending is very insightful. Edited May 20, 2013 by dichotomy
Author Bill Mackson Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 My beliefs are the if some is married you stay away from then. Not give excuses like he would of found it somewhere else. That's a cop out. There are lines you don't cross. You don't sleep with a guy that is sleeping with one of your best friends. You don't let them say sexually crap to you when you in a relationship, the cop out of its just words doesn't fly with me. I may be old school but I don't believe in talking with past FWB's.
dichotomy Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 My beliefs are the if some is married you stay away from then. Not give excuses like he would of found it somewhere else. That's a cop out. There are lines you don't cross. You don't sleep with a guy that is sleeping with one of your best friends. You don't let them say sexually crap to you when you in a relationship, the cop out of its just words doesn't fly with me. I may be old school but I don't believe in talking with past FWB's. I understand very much what your saying here. It is time you simply explained your beliefs then to her - not judging her, or pointing fingers or blaming her. Don't use the words "you" or "cop out" express what you believe rather use "I" and don't be mean or use her past against her. Say, i am sorry but it is important to me to be with someone who shares my beliefs. It is not a form a judgement, but just compatibility.
denise_xo Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 My beliefs are the if some is married you stay away from then. Not give excuses like he would of found it somewhere else. That's a cop out. There are lines you don't cross. You don't sleep with a guy that is sleeping with one of your best friends. You don't let them say sexually crap to you when you in a relationship, the cop out of its just words doesn't fly with me. I may be old school but I don't believe in talking with past FWB's. That's fine - then don't get involved with someone who doesn't share your beliefs. Find a partner who is more compatible.
Recommended Posts