mtnbiker3000 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 So, I think I am at the stage where I have processed, analyzed and flipped this thing around every way possible. Up, down, inside out, upside down, left to right, right to left, and evrything in-between. I have played out all of the shoulda, coulda, woulda, time and time again. I have gone through all the emotions over and over again in different order and to different degrees (just search my posts and you'll see ) Now, I just want to let it go. I don't want to carry this around any longer. I don't know how else I can analyze or justify any further... Any one else feel like there at this stage? I have been googleing how to let go. How to forgive. Any one have some methods/techniques/startegies on how to do this??
aisuru Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 *sigh* Breakups suck. I don't know what stage I'm at. I'm tired of thinking about it. I wish he would contact me. I know we needed a break. I'm up and down. I wish I could help you dude... *sigh* 1
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 I plan on going out with my friend in a few weeks and picking up a "sexual palate cleanser". That ought to help a bit... What the F*ck is that?!? Anywho, how deep are ya in the BU? I am about 90 days post BU, and 60+ NC...
th90 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Any one have some methods/techniques/startegies on how to do this?? This has helped me tremendously on letting go during my first few months. Hope it helps you. 1
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 This has helped me tremendously on letting go during my first few months. Hope it helps you. Thanks much. Will watch tomorrow, as I am drunk right now 1
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 Lol... that's me being facetious. A one-night stand. :-) 2-3 months is nothing. That's pretty fresh. There's no time limit. The thoughts just fade over time. Keep busy and active and surround yourself with friends. Perhaps try to actively pushing the feelings away when they occur? All I can suggest is what as worked for me in the past, which is.... time. Eventually, I just stopped thinking about it. Ha!!! I get it now. I'm working on one of those 'cleansers' right now myself. Not ideal, but maybe just what the doctor orderd?!? 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 So, I think I am at the stage where I have processed, analyzed and flipped this thing around every way possible. Up, down, inside out, upside down, left to right, right to left, and evrything in-between. I have played out all of the shoulda, coulda, woulda, time and time again. I have gone through all the emotions over and over again in different order and to different degrees (just search my posts and you'll see ) Now, I just want to let it go. I don't want to carry this around any longer. I don't know how else I can analyze or justify any further... Any one else feel like there at this stage? I have been googleing how to let go. How to forgive. Any one have some methods/techniques/startegies on how to do this?? You've hit the stage of mental exhaustion. Basically, you're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired... Now is the time to start training your Mind to focus on serene acceptance. Something which once hit me square between the eyes, was a saying I read in a book. Just one line, on the page, slap-bang in the centre; Every breath, is one breath less. Every time you breathe in, you breathe out. And every breath out, is one breath closer to the final one you'll ever take. Don't waste your breath. Literally. Nobody knows how many more breaths they have. So when you breathe, make sure that as you breathe, you have a calm mind. The Chinese have a theory that we are all allocated a specific number of breaths to our lives. A finite period of time. The trick - prolonging that finite period of time - is to actually breathe more slowly.... When you feel your Mind whirring, exhausted, and feeling sick and tired of the same, old same-old, stop. Drop your shoulders, and breathe. Let your Mind relax and go blank. Whatever you put Energy into, will grow. Focus where you're putting your Energy. Quit putting it into her. Re-focus and put it into yourself. In time, you'll become more serene and content. And your Energy will be yours, and your breathing, easier. *sigh* Breakups suck. I don't know what stage I'm at. I'm tired of thinking about it. I wish he would contact me. I know we needed a break. I'm up and down. I wish I could help you dude... *sigh* aisuru, I'm sorry you're feeling crappy. I know how much help you give others in your responses to their dilemmas.... Maybe the above will help you too..... I looked at your other thread - the one where you realise you were on a date with an old friend....but you think he saw it differently? Many years ago, when I was still a stupid, naive, wet-behind-the-ears, doolally girl, I married a 'wrong man'. He ended up in prison. The same afternoon he was taken down to his "new home", I was at home, feeling pretty crappy about things, and in the space of 5 hours - The same day, mind you! - I had three visits form three different friends of his, all coming to offer their support, friendship and company. I was so grateful. How kind. It was only after they had all left, and I was alone, once again, that their 'kind offers of support, friendship and company' became more clear to me. I thought back on their comments, their words and their suggestions and it all became crystal-clear to me: They all wanted to get into my underwear. Their supportive comments were simply veiled suggestions of comfort of a different kind. Basically, the cat was away, so the remaining 'mouse' might become desperate for a bit of man-meat, and they were more than available to quite literally, 'fill that gap'. Same day. His so-called 'friends'. And he had known them nearly all his life. I hate to say it, but many men (though by no means all) are opportunists. If they see an empty parking lot, what better place to occupy? How did you leave this 'dinner date' guy? Did you tell him you had seen the motive behind his 'casual meal out'? (tbH, due to my own experience, this kind of approach annoys the hell out of me....) 1
Giha Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Honestly I sometimes over-analyze and think it over on purpose because I know from past experience that I will reach I point where I go "ok that is enough" and I'll just stop. And then its just time that makes the difference so I just take it a day at a time. 1
aisuru Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 aisuru, I'm sorry you're feeling crappy. I know how much help you give others in your responses to their dilemmas.... Maybe the above will help you too..... I looked at your other thread - the one where you realise you were on a date with an old friend....but you think he saw it differently? Many years ago, when I was still a stupid, naive, wet-behind-the-ears, doolally girl, I married a 'wrong man'. He ended up in prison. The same afternoon he was taken down to his "new home", I was at home, feeling pretty crappy about things, and in the space of 5 hours - The same day, mind you! - I had three visits form three different friends of his, all coming to offer their support, friendship and company. I was so grateful. How kind. It was only after they had all left, and I was alone, once again, that their 'kind offers of support, friendship and company' became more clear to me. I thought back on their comments, their words and their suggestions and it all became crystal-clear to me: They all wanted to get into my underwear. Their supportive comments were simply veiled suggestions of comfort of a different kind. Basically, the cat was away, so the remaining 'mouse' might become desperate for a bit of man-meat, and they were more than available to quite literally, 'fill that gap'. Same day. His so-called 'friends'. And he had known them nearly all his life. I hate to say it, but many men (though by no means all) are opportunists. If they see an empty parking lot, what better place to occupy? How did you leave this 'dinner date' guy? Did you tell him you had seen the motive behind his 'casual meal out'? (tbH, due to my own experience, this kind of approach annoys the hell out of me....) Yeah... No... Of course I didn't tell him that. I thought I had made it clear, but apparently not. I'm crying more tonight than I have since the day of the breakup. Sorry to take away from the OP of this thread. I'm just having a moment. I'll be okay.
TaraMaiden Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Good for you. No, literally. It's good for you. And you know you're 'having a moment.' And yes, hun - you WILL be okay. (((hugs)))
aisuru Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Well, they do say the quickest way to get over sometime is to get under someone else... No, No , NO... That's avoidance. Deal with your **** then get under someone else. Seriously. 1
aisuru Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Good for you. No, literally. It's good for you. And you know you're 'having a moment.' And yes, hun - you WILL be okay. (((hugs))) Meh. I am a huge fan of yours as you probably know. But right now I want to scream at the rooftops, so forgive me if I have no words. I know, I know, I know... I'm pretty smart with relationships. I know when to walk away. I know when I'm not wanted. He became my best friend and I didn't realize it until this. I miss the ****ing hell out of him and it pisses me off. It pisses me off that's he's not here. It pisses me off I can't reach out to him. It pisses me off we didn't connect the way I felt we needed to when together. It pisses me off that it was me that didn't feel close to him. It pisses me off he's a mere 2 blocks away and there isn't **** I can do to change this. It pisses me off to know it's best if I don't try to change it. It pisses me off that I can't stop crying now.... I'm not a crier. It pisses me off that this hurts. That I care. I didn't think I cared. F, F, F. That's all.
aisuru Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Meh. I am a huge fan of yours as you probably know. But right now I want to scream at the rooftops, so forgive me if I have no words. I know, I know, I know... I'm pretty smart with relationships. I know when to walk away. I know when I'm not wanted. He became my best friend and I didn't realize it until this. I miss the ****ing hell out of him and it pisses me off. It pisses me off that's he's not here. It pisses me off I can't reach out to him. It pisses me off we didn't connect the way I felt we needed to when together. It pisses me off that it was me that didn't feel close to him. It pisses me off he's a mere 2 blocks away and there isn't **** I can do to change this. It pisses me off to know it's best if I don't try to change it. It pisses me off that I can't stop crying now.... I'm not a crier. It pisses me off that this hurts. That I care. I didn't think I cared. F, F, F. That's all. Uhhh, I might be having a big moment... Sorry. 2
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 You've hit the stage of mental exhaustion. Basically, you're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired... Now is the time to start training your Mind to focus on serene acceptance. Something which once hit me square between the eyes, was a saying I read in a book. Just one line, on the page, slap-bang in the centre; Every breath, is one breath less. Every time you breathe in, you breathe out. And every breath out, is one breath closer to the final one you'll ever take. Don't waste your breath. Literally. Nobody knows how many more breaths they have. So when you breathe, make sure that as you breathe, you have a calm mind. The Chinese have a theory that we are all allocated a specific number of breaths to our lives. A finite period of time. The trick - prolonging that finite period of time - is to actually breathe more slowly.... When you feel your Mind whirring, exhausted, and feeling sick and tired of the same, old same-old, stop. Drop your shoulders, and breathe. Let your Mind relax and go blank. Whatever you put Energy into, will grow. Focus where you're putting your Energy. Quit putting it into her. Re-focus and put it into yourself. In time, you'll become more serene and content. And your Energy will be yours, and your breathing, easier. Yes, this seems to fall in line with what I have been learning from other sources as well... I am in the process of learning mindful mediataion at this point. I was digging hard into Eastern Philos, but as my terapist mentioned (and she is educated in Eastern Philos), it's almost impossible to really follow Eastern ways in a Western domintaed culture. We need our ego's here. Can't survive without them. BUT, it is possible to take some Eastrern ideas and put them into practice here in the west. Meditation is one such thing I am trying to adopt.
TaraMaiden Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Yes, this seems to fall in line with what I have been learning from other sources as well... I am in the process of learning mindful mediataion at this point. I was digging hard into Eastern Philos, but as my terapist mentioned (and she is educated in Eastern Philos), it's almost impossible to really follow Eastern ways in a Western domintaed culture. We need our ego's here. Can't survive without them. BUT, it is possible to take some Eastrern ideas and put them into practice here in the west. Meditation is one such thing I am trying to adopt. Sorry, that's bullschytt. If it was that difficult there wouldn't be temples to attend and centres to join... And Eastern Philosophy isn't about eliminating or surviving without the Ego. In fact, an eminent Buddhist monk and teacher wrote a long thesis on hanging on to your ego. So she hasn't got the full hand of cards there.... Sorry, but if you'll forgive me, I would say your Therapist is talking crap. She may be educated in Eastern Philosophy. But that means diddly squat if you don't practice it. It's like going to a restaurant for a banquet and just reading the menu.... "Oh that won't taste good.... and that won't be nice either..... and i don't like the sound of that....." I've been a practising Buddhist for 20 years. Buddhism is a growing religion/philosophy in the West. In fact, I believe it's the fastest-growing and widest-spreading.... Is she trying to tell everyone who adheres to Buddhism that they can't really practice it? Oh, please..... Look: She can be your therapist. I'll be your spiritual Philosophy adviser. Howzat?
siankat Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 You've hit the stage of mental exhaustion. Basically, you're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired... Now is the time to start training your Mind to focus on serene acceptance. Something which once hit me square between the eyes, was a saying I read in a book. Just one line, on the page, slap-bang in the centre; Every breath, is one breath less. Every time you breathe in, you breathe out. And every breath out, is one breath closer to the final one you'll ever take. Don't waste your breath. Literally. Nobody knows how many more breaths they have. So when you breathe, make sure that as you breathe, you have a calm mind. The Chinese have a theory that we are all allocated a specific number of breaths to our lives. A finite period of time. The trick - prolonging that finite period of time - is to actually breathe more slowly.... When you feel your Mind whirring, exhausted, and feeling sick and tired of the same, old same-old, stop. Drop your shoulders, and breathe. Let your Mind relax and go blank. Whatever you put Energy into, will grow. Focus where you're putting your Energy. Quit putting it into her. Re-focus and put it into yourself. In time, you'll become more serene and content. And your Energy will be yours, and your breathing, easier. aisuru, I'm sorry you're feeling crappy. I know how much help you give others in your responses to their dilemmas.... Maybe the above will help you too..... I looked at your other thread - the one where you realise you were on a date with an old friend....but you think he saw it differently? Many years ago, when I was still a stupid, naive, wet-behind-the-ears, doolally girl, I married a 'wrong man'. He ended up in prison. The same afternoon he was taken down to his "new home", I was at home, feeling pretty crappy about things, and in the space of 5 hours - The same day, mind you! - I had three visits form three different friends of his, all coming to offer their support, friendship and company. I was so grateful. How kind. It was only after they had all left, and I was alone, once again, that their 'kind offers of support, friendship and company' became more clear to me. I thought back on their comments, their words and their suggestions and it all became crystal-clear to me: They all wanted to get into my underwear. Their supportive comments were simply veiled suggestions of comfort of a different kind. Basically, the cat was away, so the remaining 'mouse' might become desperate for a bit of man-meat, and they were more than available to quite literally, 'fill that gap'. Same day. His so-called 'friends'. And he had known them nearly all his life. I hate to say it, but many men (though by no means all) are opportunists. If they see an empty parking lot, what better place to occupy? How did you leave this 'dinner date' guy? Did you tell him you had seen the motive behind his 'casual meal out'? (tbH, due to my own experience, this kind of approach annoys the hell out of me....) So no cardio then?
siankat Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 So, I think I am at the stage where I have processed, analyzed and flipped this thing around every way possible. Up, down, inside out, upside down, left to right, right to left, and evrything in-between. I have played out all of the shoulda, coulda, woulda, time and time again. I have gone through all the emotions over and over again in different order and to different degrees (just search my posts and you'll see ) Now, I just want to let it go. I don't want to carry this around any longer. I don't know how else I can analyze or justify any further... Any one else feel like there at this stage? I have been googleing how to let go. How to forgive. Any one have some methods/techniques/startegies on how to do this?? What is it you are holding onto....hope? anger? hope? her place in your thoughts? For me, i contacted my ex and his non response after he initiated contact gave me a Ce-lo Green moment (if you don't know it, youtube, it's his biggest hit), and any time i think of him now i just...feel like that song. I think you let go when you lose hope, if you still have hope, you can't let go, i lost hope by basically hearing it or in my case, not hearing it, from the jackass's..i mean horse's...mouth
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 What is it you are holding onto....hope? anger? hope? her place in your thoughts? For me, i contacted my ex and his non response after he initiated contact gave me a Ce-lo Green moment (if you don't know it, youtube, it's his biggest hit), and any time i think of him now i just...feel like that song. I think you let go when you lose hope, if you still have hope, you can't let go, i lost hope by basically hearing it or in my case, not hearing it, from the jackass's..i mean horse's...mouth Well, that is a very good question . I think I am just hanging on to trying to understand it. Understand her reasoning. My actions, her actions, the RS, the BU. All of it I guess. However, I am pretty sure I have given up on hope. In fact, I really don't even want her back. Just want to make sense of it. Put a pretty bow on it and call it done. Past. Over. See ya later... And make sure I won't repeat the same mistakes in the next RS. Still, a good question and I will think about that one for a while. Will probably lead to some important stuff inside my own dome...
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Sorry, that's bullschytt. If it was that difficult there wouldn't be temples to attend and centres to join... And Eastern Philosophy isn't about eliminating or surviving without the Ego. In fact, an eminent Buddhist monk and teacher wrote a long thesis on hanging on to your ego. So she hasn't got the full hand of cards there.... Sorry, but if you'll forgive me, I would say your Therapist is talking crap. She may be educated in Eastern Philosophy. But that means diddly squat if you don't practice it. It's like going to a restaurant for a banquet and just reading the menu.... "Oh that won't taste good.... and that won't be nice either..... and i don't like the sound of that....." I've been a practising Buddhist for 20 years. Buddhism is a growing religion/philosophy in the West. In fact, I believe it's the fastest-growing and widest-spreading.... Is she trying to tell everyone who adheres to Buddhism that they can't really practice it? Oh, please..... Look: She can be your therapist. I'll be your spiritual Philosophy adviser. Howzat? Ha Ha Ha!! Oh, Terra . To her defense, I am probably losing the messages she gave me in translation. She is by no means shooting down Eastern Philos. I think I just went to her all excited about a new theory I wanted to talk about, and she was just acting as the bad cop. The devils advocate. Making sure I understood things a little deeper than I first came across. Again, probably just the way I stated my ideas, and the way I am losing her message. It wasn't as absolute as I am making it out. Sorry for that... But, yes, i am open to all forms of input and I still like the way you think...
siankat Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Maybe you wanna know 'what was it about me?!?!' but it doesn't matter. It won't be unanimous from her to your ex to the next girl, her reasons are hers and they are not indicative of who you are, just it was her take on everything in total, of which you were a part of, but by no means the whole of. When we make a decision to date or not date, we don't just look at the person, we look at who we are in the context of being with that person. What i'm saying is it can never be just about you, the reason for the breakup, because by it's very nature the relationship involves a whole other person who comes into it with their own idea(l)s strengths, weaknesses, hang ups, desires and they might not even know why themselves sometimes. It just seems maybe u wanna know the why cos you think the reason is all about you and therefore giving you a negative self image that you want to shake and put to rest. I can tell you, it will never be all about you. 2
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Maybe you wanna know 'what was it about me?!?!' but it doesn't matter. It won't be unanimous from her to your ex to the next girl, her reasons are hers and they are not indicative of who you are, just it was her take on everything in total, of which you were a part of, but by no means the whole of. When we make a decision to date or not date, we don't just look at the person, we look at who we are in the context of being with that person. What i'm saying is it can never be just about you, the reason for the breakup, because by it's very nature the relationship involves a whole other person who comes into it with their own idea(l)s strengths, weaknesses, hang ups, desires and they might not even know why themselves sometimes. It just seems maybe u wanna know the why cos you think the reason is all about you and therefore giving you a negative self image that you want to shake and put to rest. I can tell you, it will never be all about you. Ha! You're pretty wise and I am sure what you are describing is definetly a large peice of what I am feeling. I think I am just trying to feel better before I am ready. I think you mentioned that 3 months isn't really long enough to process this thing through. Especially since I was in deep with her. Real deep!!! 1
siankat Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Ha! You're pretty wise and I am sure what you are describing is definetly a large peice of what I am feeling. I think I am just trying to feel better before I am ready. I think you mentioned that 3 months isn't really long enough to process this thing through. Especially since I was in deep with her. Real deep!!! Time is..subjective in these matters. I think another possibility is that some people don't want to recover quickly and the reason i say that is because once you do stop feeling the pull towards that person, you sometimes realise 'hang on a minute, im still depressed!!?!' It's easier when one can focus the reason for bad feelings onto an incident that is ongoing and is trying to get over. When that reason is gone, a lot of people are still down and cannot deny the fact it is due to some other reasons as well that they would rather not have to deal with or don't even know of exactly...What i'm saying is that ALL negative feelings can be projected onto a breakup with the breakup not necessarily being responsible for all those bad feelings and that can become more evident as time goes on. It's just a thought and by no means fits everyone.
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