who_am_i Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 xMM he had a way of making me feel so special when we were together. Of course there were days and weeks of crap mixed in, but when we were physically together he could make me forget about all that. He made me feel so beautiful and special and cared for. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. That said, I don't think that if he were to ever resurface things could ever be the same. What I guess I'm trying to say is that because he walked away from me so easily, I doubt that I would ever be able to have the same trust in him not to do it again. I know this is ironic as he is married and all...and to that end I am not looking for the "that's why you shouldn't sleep a with married man" lecture that often times follows these sorts of questions. What I'm asking is this...why after they toss us to the side do we still think we want them? Do you think it could ever be the same? Have you had your xMM come back to you and it was? And if he hasn't yet, but one day might (after divorce, etc)...would you even care to give it another try? I don't think I could. I miss him but I feel like once someone loses your respect and trust it's gone. Then I start thinking damn...just imagine what the BS goes through. But that's a whole different thread.
Praying4Peace Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I totally agree. The things he would have to do to prove it to me...its not in him to do it. Arrive single and start from scratch. Right now I'm just loving the memories. I kind of feel sorry for the MM's. They had their big old cakefest and now let them starve for a long time. If you guys only knew what his BS had to put up with...yuck...when her fog lifts he'd better run and hide. That doesn't make me feel better...it makes me feel worse and things could never be the same. I'm mourning the potential of what we lost. Because we ended on a high note and said our proper goodbyes and had the best last day...I wish I could see him again one day to 'reset' my final memory. Because it sure as heck wouldn't be like the one I have in my mind.
bellasue Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 It totally would NOT be the same. I imagined what I would do if he showed up at my door. While I would want to hug him and tell him I missed him......I would also like to say: What the h*ll are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be a thousand miles away from me? Why didn't you want me? Why did you make such a stupid choice? Did you miss me? Did you really love me? Why are you doing this to me? I have even imagined slapping him for showing up! OK, rant over.
stevie_23 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 What I'm asking is this...why after they toss us to the side do we still think we want them? Do you think it could ever be the same? Have you had your xMM come back to you and it was? And if he hasn't yet, but one day might (after divorce, etc)...would you even care to give it another try? Well, as an ex-OW whose MM did kind of come back, to an extent, I can tell you that it is never the same again. Apart from the obvious differences in terms of not being able to (and not being willing to) be in constant contact and run around hiding and lying like we did before, there is of course that ever present knowledge that he left. How can I ever fully open myself up to him again? The answer is I simply can't. And he knows this. He is saddened by it and blames himself. I blame no one. It's just the unfortunate and ill-conceived situation. But we're friends. And it's ok. It's for the best. If we COULD properly ever be together, with no other partners and no distance like we had before in our A, would I eventually be able to let go of the trust issues I have now? Would I ever be able to 100% believe he truly loved and respected me? I honestly don't know. I'd give it a try though, for sure. Also, why when they have tossed us aside, do we still want them? Well...only each individual can answer that. Everyone is different and some people here DON'T want their ex-MM back in any way. Either because they're genuinely over them or because they simply know it just doesn't work as an A and there's no other option in terms of being together in a relationship with them. For those that WOULD want their ex-MM back, no matter how much pain has been caused by them and the situation, well...it's the fact they love the ex-MM. It's the fact they have a gaping hole in their lives that enabled them to engage in an A in the first place (if they themselves are married also) or if they're single ex-OW, the hole in their lives that enabled them to allow themselves to be with a man who is already married. For me, I am happy that my ex-MM is still in my life as my friend, as I sincerely love and care for him as a person. Those feelings aren't dependent upon whether he can be with me in a relationship.
ComingInHot Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 who_am_I wrote, " What I'm asking is this...why after they toss us to the side do we still think we want them? Do you think it could ever be the same? Have you had your xMM come back to you and it was? And if he hasn't yet, but one day might (after divorce, etc)...would you even care to give it another try? I don't think I could. I miss him but I feel like once someone loses your respect and trust it's gone. Then I start thinking damn...just imagine what the BS goes through. But that's a whole different thread." I hope you don't mind a BW's 0.02 cents here BUT I really got something from your post* It really is a crux when we (OW/OM & BS's) still feel we "want" the WS. -We care for them even love them. -We love how incredibly special they made us feel. -For me there is that "I can't have that ripped away from me" feeling. It should be my choice or WS's choice to end the relationship Not the outside factors ie; OW, BW, Finances, Social circles, Children etc.. -Our future possibilities I'm sure there is more* Where it differs maybe is even though I see and from my own experience more couples stay M & R, I can't help thinking that the OW/OM are "lucky" (not like fun or happy lucky) in that some times, no matter the pain, they Do get to walk away and get back to or move forward with their life. No D or therapy for the "couple" or Whole family, No fear of being cheated on again by same person, No rebuilding etc... And the ex AP probably moves on to find a better Prince/Princess who is way better than their MM/MW. Can you tell I've thought about this a little?? 2
Got it Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 xMM he had a way of making me feel so special when we were together. Of course there were days and weeks of crap mixed in, but when we were physically together he could make me forget about all that. He made me feel so beautiful and special and cared for. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. That said, I don't think that if he were to ever resurface things could ever be the same. What I guess I'm trying to say is that because he walked away from me so easily, I doubt that I would ever be able to have the same trust in him not to do it again. I know this is ironic as he is married and all...and to that end I am not looking for the "that's why you shouldn't sleep a with married man" lecture that often times follows these sorts of questions. What I'm asking is this...why after they toss us to the side do we still think we want them? Do you think it could ever be the same? Have you had your xMM come back to you and it was? And if he hasn't yet, but one day might (after divorce, etc)...would you even care to give it another try? I don't think I could. I miss him but I feel like once someone loses your respect and trust it's gone. Then I start thinking damn...just imagine what the BS goes through. But that's a whole different thread. I think when we, as humans, are rejected we want to reverse it, to proof we are acceptable and to prove that we are seen as valued by that person. And if one has abandonment issues from childhood, where there were incidents of rejection, invisibility, etc. being rejected by others in adulthood will trigger those feelings even more so and will drive the need to be acknowledged and found worthy. In regards to give it a go after S/D, that can have many different factors and details that it is really a case by case scenario. These actions that you list above are not forgotten and have to be worked through to move things forward; they are not just forgotten. When we worked through S/D there were things that I had to work through and find acceptance. One, for me, was the decision to move when he separated. He did it because financially it was the right decision, his ex wife was saying she was going to move, etc. but it was a decision that while I was in the picture I had very little say because who was I to say no when so many things pointed to yes? But having to adapt to and work around being LD was a very bitter pill for me to swallow, more so than the affair. I hated LD, I would never be in another LD relationship again regardless of seeing him monthly. It just doesn't work for me and was a very large concession I made. Luckily it was only for a year as another opportunity came up to move him back home. But that brought resentment for me and something I had to work through in therapy. There are some compromises one can make, and there are some deal breakers that one just can't move beyond. Hope that helps. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I think when we, as humans, are rejected we want to reverse it, to proof we are acceptable and to prove that we are seen as valued by that person. And if one has abandonment issues from childhood, where there were incidents of rejection, invisibility, etc. being rejected by others in adulthood will trigger those feelings even more so and will drive the need to be acknowledged and found worthy. In regards to give it a go after S/D, that can have many different factors and details that it is really a case by case scenario. These actions that you list above are not forgotten and have to be worked through to move things forward; they are not just forgotten. When we worked through S/D there were things that I had to work through and find acceptance. One, for me, was the decision to move when he separated. He did it because financially it was the right decision, his ex wife was saying she was going to move, etc. but it was a decision that while I was in the picture I had very little say because who was I to say no when so many things pointed to yes? But having to adapt to and work around being LD was a very bitter pill for me to swallow, more so than the affair. I hated LD, I would never be in another LD relationship again regardless of seeing him monthly. It just doesn't work for me and was a very large concession I made. Luckily it was only for a year as another opportunity came up to move him back home. But that brought resentment for me and something I had to work through in therapy. There are some compromises one can make, and there are some deal breakers that one just can't move beyond. Hope that helps. Well said... I think its not really that much different from a regular conventional relationship in that when there is a breakup, the chances of a reconciliation are not that great. Would/can you trust that person again? Who knows.. There are some cases of A's that successfully reconciled after the divorce. There are some I read of that regularly post on here. Bottom line is there is no denying that there once was a physical attraction. If the "new" relationship can start from scratch, then I suppose its possible. TFY
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