Got an email from someone telling me he's cheating

[Summer Breeze]

You say you have proof of his whereabouts on a couple of nights she tossed out. If you didn't have some serious doubts about this guy you wouldn't be in here questioning things that you seem convinced you have the answers for. As far as being upset because you got this email then yes. It would have upset anyone but if it was only the fact you'd gotten this email from out of left field you wouldn't be in a forum for infidelity. It smacks to me that you don't trust him and you'd like everyone to agree with you that everything's good. You were pretty cavalier about some of the posters having spent time being in an R where they were cheated on. You were almost dismissive of it when you probably should have really been listening to what they had to say.

 

I wish you luck though.

[Keenly]

Settle it with a polygraph. If he's not hiding anything - he'll be happy to do it.

 

Nothing says I trust my future husband and believe in our relationship like demanding a polygraph. I'd cancel my wedding immediately if my girlfriend asked me that.

[ComingInHot]

betrayedH wrote, " It's not uncommon for an "other woman" to try to tell you anonymously. The common scenario is that he broke things off with her recently and she's jilted. Telling you would be revenge against him; she doesn't want to get left in the dust while he rides off into the sunset with you.

 

Again, ask her for proof of their ongoing relationship. She should have emails or texts confirming it."

 

You are going to Marry this man.

I think, and this is coming from a BW perspective, trust what he says but verify! I don't believe you'll find proof checking his phone. Just check the online call log and ask OW to please send proof. You can do this in a way that is non'confrontational.

Because OW went to all the trouble to "find" your email etc... and out his or accuse him of cheating, I believe more so that she wants to hurt Him and the relationship/engagement. That being said, reply to her requesting actual evidence of this Recent accusation of cheating so You can end the engagement w/him because of the Truth. Let her know that you are getting a different story from your fiance & his friends/relatives and you don't know what to believe and since She contacted You, the least she can do is give you recent proof of the cheating.

Most likely, w/this approach, she'd be more than happy to oblige, unless she is lying.

[Saphire Blue]

Hi Molly

 

I so feel for you! I had a very similar thing happen to me about 3 years ago. My b/f had to go out of town for 4 mths on a work contract, I got on a plane and visited him a couple of times. He came back everything seemed good for a few months until one night my b/f told me an ex g/f was contacting everyone he knew on FB saying nasty things. Next thing I knew I got an email from FB from a so called friend of hers claiming while he was away he had slept with (this ex g/f) and thought I should know what he was really like. Next thing I get another email stating she is the ex g/f and really wrote the email and was hurt by his constant cheating while they were together and wanted to warn me about him. She mentioned in her eamil the exact months he was visiting the city and how he had told her he was free and single. I was devastated! He claimed she had done this before with a past relationship, constantly emailing him and phoning him on his mobile up to 20 times a day and trying to make contact with his g/f at the time - my b/f denied he ever cheated on me - I was crushed and wasn't 100% so sure, especially because he wasn't honest with me from the start in telling me about her and her previous behaviour! I then got another email from her - saying how much he really cares for me and she was lying and she was sorry and nothing but a bit*h. I blocked her after that because the b/f asked me to. She kept contacting him saying the same kind of things and she would make him pay (he ended up having to change his cell and home number but never change his email address, to this day he still gets the odd email from her).

I tried going through his phone at one stage - but I got caught and he hit the roof saying I didn't trust him! For me I will always wonder? Did he? Or is she just another headcase?

[ComingInHot]

Saphire & Molly,

I KNOW this is TRUE so please listen closely,

A person that has NOTHING TO HIDE would NOT have a "problem" or "go through the roof" when the person they claim to love has been given questionable accusatory information affecting their security in the relationship.

My H was secretive, had passwords I didn't know. When I asked him to borrow his phone for whatever reason (my battery died, it was upstairs...) instead of giving me, His W, the password, he'd grab his phone, mutter then enter his password Then hand it to me...

After exOW outed the ended A, I asked for passwords to everything. He yelled, screamed, spewed vile words, tantrumed just to distract me long enough to delete all incriminating evidence.

Once he was done HIDING and could no longer deny oh and he was kicked out of our home and M, did he stop the nonsense.

 

If you ask him today, he'd say living an honest authentic life is waaaay better than spending time hiding, sneaking cheating and lying. He became exhausted.

 

People with nothing to hide will be happy to oblige the person they love w/whatever they need to feel secure.

I'm happy to show my H that he is wrong in questioning my actions and he is happy to prove me wrong when I question him.

As Betrayed H says... TRUST BUT VERIFY**

[stillafool]

and she choose to cheat with him if its true, knowing that

he is not single.

so it sound a bit of she planning the cheating so she can inform you.

to make you 2 break up.

 

there are a lot of crazy evil sluts.

 

but you need to find out whatever and get into the bottom of this.

and ask him if there is more he have to tell it now.

 

I agree with this. This woman is jealous and is trying to break up your wedding. Email her back and tell her thank you for the info but but sorry you are not going to break up with him and you two are in love and looking forward to the wedding. Then make him explain every little detail to you and show you all emails.

[Janesays]

She would show up at his work and house whem they had broken up. He showed me emails she had writtten going on about her thyroid making her act crazy. She admitted to acting crazy. Even in the email she sent me she told me she lost her sh*t because when they broke up he just stopped comminicating with her. He did tell her it was over...and they had only dated a few months. She is also 45 yrs old.. I live with with the guy...ya ya im sure u all lived with ur cheater too..but him cheating doesnt add up...but this email has freaked me out. Also i her email to me she was speaking of their breakup and said, believe me ive since moved on, but its a pain you dont forget when u dont see it coming. She also said, pain is bitter, truth is more. It was odd. And she sure didnt seem like someone whod moved on. Oh and her last sentence to me said plz dont contact me again. After she had emailed me at work!

 

 

None of this sounds all that crazy to me. She just sounds like a woman who was used by your boyfriend and is upset. Who knows what he probably told her. "I love you, I'm going to leave her, just give me time, blah, blah, blah." She probably feels stupid and angry that she fell for his BS and wants to warn you so you don't fall for it too.

 

THIS WOMAN IS TRYING TO SAVE YOU PAIN AND HEARTACHE AND INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO HER YOU ARE CALLING HER CRAZY.

 

By the way, men that are honestly being 'stalked' by a 'crazy' ex don't 'forget' to mention it to their fiance because 'you might get mad.' That excuse is so crappy, I'm insulted on your behalf that he would actually give it to you. You're not just 'some girl' he's dating, YOU ARE HIS FIANCE. If he thought this woman was truly unstable, he'd be RUNNING to tell you for the fear that you'd be in some sort of danger and also because you, as his fiance, are privy to know MAJOR things this. Face it, darling, he didn't tell you because he was sneaking around behind your back and doing things he shouldn't have.

 

Lord, read more of these forums. You're story has been repeated here, over and over again, it's so common it is practically a cliche.

 

Amount of exes who ended up truly crazy here: 0.

Amount of men who were busted cheating: Countless.

 

If you marry this man, after you were warned, you deserve what you get. Just as I did.

[BrokenPrincess]

She does sound like a nut job but if its been 6 weeks & youre still this unsettled, I think you need to get some resolution before your wedding.

 

Why don't you just ask your fiancé for access to his phone account? Check online and you should be able to pull up the old bills & text records.

 

If he has nothing to hide, he shouldn't care and then you also don't need to have further contact with her unless you find something suspicious.

Edited May 18, 2013 by BrokenPrincess
Can't spell

[SoleMate]

He even said that if he was going to cheat it wouldnt be with her...we have been planning a wedding...

Sorry to say, there are plenty of people (yes men AND women) who see no issue with planning a wedding or being married, and chasing/having sex with others.

 

it makes no sense that hed go back to this person who gave him all this grief even if it was just for sex...

It actually makes a lot of sense if he's looking for something easy. This woman has already been "seduced" by him, she will be 93% easier to get into bed on short notice than a new conquest. In fact, from the perspective of a cheater, it is the height of rationality and common sense to go back to a compliant former lover when a few quick sexual jollies are wanted.

 

So Yes, what he appears to be doing - and I see things the same way alexandra and jane do - makes a lot of sense. It fits a common and clear pattern called cheating. Cheating is a much more plausible explanation than "innocent faithful man with crazy ex".

Edited May 18, 2013 by SoleMate

[melodymatters]

Hold up there, I too have had this situation and YES there are some crazy people who just can't let go. So far I'm trusting the fiance on this one.

 

My H had an ex he dated for 9 months and yes, we did end up together very shortly after he left her.

 

The stalking and trouble causing went on for over a year...after we were married ! She hacked ALL his accounts, tried to get him fired, called his boss pretending she was a detective investigating a crime against him, posed as him on FB ( saying nasty things about me of course) wrote his ex-ex back in the midwest pretending she was my H and telling ex-ex he was wrapping up a divorce with me and wanted her back.

 

She impersonated him to others, called his work at all hours, wrote ME and said she was at our house f*cking him while I was at work and if she wasn't " how would she know what color sheets we used " ?

 

IT WAS CRAAAAAZZZY !!! I trusted y H and to this day have no reason to disbelieve him. She WAS unstable during their R, and that's when he and I were just work friends. Her own brother said he felt bad for my H because" his sister was crazy".

 

And NO, she never COULD tell me what color our sheets were !!!

 

We don't know the whole story here guys, let's not break up an almost marriage based on our own past experiences . That is EXACTLY what this chick ( and the one I dealt with) are trying to do !!!!!!

[SoleMate]

We don't know the whole story here guys, let's not break up an almost marriage based on our own past experiences...

FYI, I have no personal experience with serial cheating and have never knowingly been betrayed sexually. My advice to the OP was based on her facts and their resemblance to common patterns documented in Loveshack over the past 10 years. I have no personal stake in this issue and no ax to grind.

 

You're absolutely right, none of us knows the truth. Even the OP can't know the truth and that in fact is the crux of her challenge. Not knowing. Having to guess, maybe to trust, maybe to be skeptical. She is closely involved and has a major emotional stake in the outcome. It is possible she does not trust her own judgment and that is why she came here. We are providing our best guesses and advice based on the little we know.

 

If anyone said that he is certainly cheating, that may not have been the best advice. But it is absolutely good and helpful advice to let the OP know that many of us do not readily accept her fiance's explanations, finding them less plausible than the alternatives.

[Janesays]

 

The stalking and trouble causing went on for over a year...after we were married ! She hacked ALL his accounts, tried to get him fired, called his boss pretending she was a detective investigating a crime against him, posed as him on FB ( saying nasty things about me of course) wrote his ex-ex back in the midwest pretending she was my H and telling ex-ex he was wrapping up a divorce with me and wanted her back.

 

She impersonated him to others, called his work at all hours, wrote ME and said she was at our house f*cking him while I was at work and if she wasn't " how would she know what color sheets we used " ?

 

These are legitimate crazy things. This isn't what the OP is experiencing. Pretending to be a detective investigating some crime is CRAZY. Showing up at his work upset and wanting to talk to him is just a woman who is seriously upset and in need of resolution.

 

Bottom line is the 'crazy stalker ex' is a common excuse from cheating men. An ACTUAL 'crazy stalker ex' is so rare that it's ridiculous that so many women will believe this unquestioned. As if their is a bunny boiler in every third house just WAITING to go all Glen Close on a man FOR NO REAL REASON OR GAIN.

 

Statistically speaking, it's more likely that the OP's boyfriend be struck by lightening than to be truly stalked by an ex girlfriend. And, like I said before, a man that is truly be stalked by a crazy ex DOES NOT behave like he does....by casually not mentioning it to his fiance because 'she might get mad.'

 

Please.

[melodymatters]

...And to add, my husband told me most of the things crazy ex did, but at the time I too was pretty upset that it seemed like we couldn't get her out of our life. Him being a non confrontational person and not wanting to hear me rant and rave about this beotch, did not tell me every single instance in real time, that didn't make him a liar or a cheater.

[BetrayedH]

I'd bet money that he cheated. The 'crazy ex' is a common excuse for men when they get busted. It's so predictable, it is almost cliche.

 

Janesays is still. It is VERY common that when an other woman comes forward, the wayward spins it as them being crazy.

[carhill]

I think it would be prudent to delay the wedding, if near, and get some professional help resolving this issue to both of your and his satisfaction before proceeding. Also, at your ages, there are other life issues to be mindful of, presuming you've both achieved modest or more success in life. I'd see this conflict as a wake-up call to address issues and circumstances which may not have been considered prior during the 'honeymoon period'.

 

On the specifics, absent verifiable proof, I'd accept one person's opinion as one person's opinion and proceed from there. I have experience with providing 'proof' of an affair and did so with the husband of one OW. Never spoke to him but he got everything he needed to know, over years of interaction. That's proof, in his wife's own handwriting. IMO, that's the kind of stuff your decision should turn upon rather than presumption, hearsay and innuendo. Get a disinterested third party involved and get it resolved. Good luck.

[BetrayedH]

I agree with finding out the truth. You have a major investment in this and yet you just don't want to speak with her? Sorry but that's foolish considering how much your situation mirrors the pattern of so many other cheaters and how much you have at stake. You have gotten some very solid advice here from wise, veteran posters and I hope you do more than ignore it.

[ComingInHot]

There's the "That's Crazy" theme again.

 

I hope OP listens to everything we've all said here but follows her gut on this*

[Praying4Peace]

Just because she is crazy doesn't make it okay for him to lie about it. He is pulling the classic "She's trying to break us up" card to get you to team up against her.