Matterhorn123 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I’ve been dating this woman for about three months now. That’s not very long, but I have fallen hard for her. She doesn’t know that I love her, but I haven’t been shy to tell her that I like her “a lot” so on and so forth. She was just as affectionate for awhile. She has a five year old daughter. One day (after about 2 months dating) she asked me to come over and I made a poor joke about how I didn’t feel like watching cartoons. What a terrible choice of words. I was feeling that we weren't having enough alone time together. I felt like when I'm there with her and her daughter that I was a third wheel. All of her attention would go to her daughter. She took offense to what I said and I ended up spilling my guts with how I felt about the kid. I told her that I like her daughter and that I have no problems with her being a mother. I told her that after two months in our relationship, it was hard for me to tell if I could do this long term. I told her that her daughter is not my daughter and that this situation is very new to me and that I need time to figure out how I feel about it. This went downhill quickly and wound up in an argument where she brought up her ex-boyfriend for the first time and it didn't seem like the argument was going to settle. I ended up breaking up with her, very briefly, explaining to her that I thought it would make me feel better and that I regretted it. She took me back with very few questions asked. From this point forward, she seemed distant. She would still see me, kiss me, cuddle with me -- but the amount I saw her was less frequent, the amount we talked in between seeing each other was less frequent and I could see the end coming but I didn't know when. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, but she said things were fine. When she broke up with me she told me that she still really likes me and wants time to figure things out for herself and that she wants to be friends. She told me about her ex-boyfriend and was embarrassed to tell me that he was abusive at certain points. He was also a drug abuser. She dated him for a year or so and her daughter ended up getting attached to him. It's been over a year since she last had contact with him, but her daughter still asks about him. What I had planned to tell her that night was that I was okay with her being a mother and that I really liked her daughter and I was ready to be her friend. I didn't get that chance. During the breakup she insisted to me that she needed to think things over, maybe see a therapist, and that she does really like me. To me, it feels like she's already been thinking about it for a month and she's just trying to put me down kindly. But I still have a little seed of hope in me that she really just does need time to sort it out and that maybe she'll come back to me. I wrote her a letter the day after the breakup and told her how much I care about her, that I'm sorry about her ex-boyfriend and am here to talk about it if she wants to. I told her that I am willing to take a step back and be her friend because she means that much to me. She thanked me for the letter, said it meant a lot to her and that it made her cry and then told me that I was "incredible." I don't know what to do. I want to get her back...
Balzac Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Welcome to LS. Have you done some research into women who engage in relationships w addicts/abusers? Women who introduce children of tender years to new romantic intetests too soon? I'm sure she's as great a gal as you think she is but counseling is positive thing in her situation.
Balzac Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Are you comfortable sharing your/her age? If the daughter's father is involved in her life? Is visitation in place?
Author Matterhorn123 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 Welcome to LS. Have you done some research into women who engage in relationships w addicts/abusers? Women who introduce children of tender years to new romantic intetests too soon? I'm sure she's as great a gal as you think she is but counseling is positive thing in her situation. I have researched the abuse part. It hurts me so much that she went through it. I want to help her...
Author Matterhorn123 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 Are you comfortable sharing your/her age? If the daughter's father is involved in her life? Is visitation in place? I'm 27, she's 26. Her father plays a very limited role in her life. He see's her once a year and prefers it that way.
Balzac Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Have you come to accept that something within her is an equal part of the abusive relationship equation? She's the mother of a young girl yet she maintained the relationship w an addict/abuser for 12 months? Being supportive of her efforts to heal herself and her child is is the limit of what you can do. Part of being supportive is understanding healthy boundaries and openly discussing the subject w her. I feel your pain but also your uncertain feelings about a child in this new relationship.
Balzac Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 One additional query. Is the woman's family ~ grandfather a presence in this child's weekly life? Just be aware that you cannot replace an absent biological father in a newly developing romantic relationship w this young girl's mother. You sound like a willing, capable, quality guy btw.
Author Matterhorn123 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 One additional query. Is the woman's family ~ grandfather a presence in this child's weekly life? Just be aware that you cannot replace an absent biological father in a newly developing romantic relationship w this young girl's mother. You sound like a willing, capable, quality guy btw. Her grandparents are very involved in her life.
Balzac Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 So on a positive note ~ you can likely expect some overnight childcare!
Author Matterhorn123 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 So on a positive note ~ you can likely expect some overnight childcare! I just went and had a talk with her. I told her, in short, that she's an incredible mother and it shows with how great her kid is. I said that I was ready to be friends with her daughter. She almost cried, but kept it together. We chatted for awhile, just normal conversation and jokes, and I got a hug and a few kisses from her as I was leaving. We are planning to go out next week, but as friends, to "see how it goes." I really do believe that she likes me more than usual. I know she knows how I feel. But she is still scared to commit.
Balzac Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Sounds like good communication. The best thing you can do is get yourself up to speed on why women are vulnerable to abusive relationships. Read up briefly on the developmental tasks of 5 year old children. Knowledge is power my friend. Take this relationship slowly but "friends" can mean just that. Good luck and keep us updated?
Author Matterhorn123 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 Have you come to accept that something within her is an equal part of the abusive relationship equation? She's the mother of a young girl yet she maintained the relationship w an addict/abuser for 12 months? Being supportive of her efforts to heal herself and her child is is the limit of what you can do. Part of being supportive is understanding healthy boundaries and openly discussing the subject w her. I feel your pain but also your uncertain feelings about a child in this new relationship. I missed this post. I'm not sure what you mean by the first question. She was only abused once, as far as I know, and that's what was ended the relationship. She stayed with him for so long because she fell into the trap of believing that she could help him with his addiction to drugs. He does still contact her from time to time, but she doesn't reply back. She doesn't know where she lives (she moved), but does know where she works. Her co-workers are very supportive and won't let the guy in.
Balzac Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Here's one resource: http://www.pitc.org/cs/pitclib/download/pitc_res/76/The%20YALE%20Child%20Care%20Study%20Teachers%20Inventory.pdf?x-r=pcfile_d
Balzac Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I missed this post. I'm not sure what you mean by the first question. She was only abused once, as far as I know, and that's what was ended the relationship. She stayed with him for so long because she fell into the trap of believing that she could help him with his addiction to drugs. He does still contact her from time to time, but she doesn't reply back. She doesn't know where she lives (she moved), but does know where she works. Her co-workers are very supportive and won't let the guy in. Look up "codependent". Start w that.
Author Matterhorn123 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 I will research both after work tomorrow evening. Thank you so much for your help Balzac.
Balzac Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 It's worrisome when great men enter into intimate relationships with a potentially incapable partner. Knowledge and communication are necessary for you to successfully navigate this. Best of times you sound smitten. It's fun stuff.
happydate Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 (edited) I’ve been dating this woman for about three months now. That’s not very long, but I have fallen hard for her. She doesn’t know that I love her, but I haven’t been shy to tell her that I like her “a lot” so on and so forth. She was just as affectionate for awhile. She has a five year old daughter. One day (after about 2 months dating) she asked me to come over and I made a poor joke about how I didn’t feel like watching cartoons. What a terrible choice of words. I was feeling that we weren't having enough alone time together. I felt like when I'm there with her and her daughter that I was a third wheel. All of her attention would go to her daughter. She took offense to what I said and I ended up spilling my guts with how I felt about the kid. I told her that I like her daughter and that I have no problems with her being a mother. I told her that after two months in our relationship, it was hard for me to tell if I could do this long term. I told her that her daughter is not my daughter and that this situation is very new to me and that I need time to figure out how I feel about it. This went downhill quickly and wound up in an argument where she brought up her ex-boyfriend for the first time and it didn't seem like the argument was going to settle. I ended up breaking up with her, very briefly, explaining to her that I thought it would make me feel better and that I regretted it. She took me back with very few questions asked. From this point forward, she seemed distant. She would still see me, kiss me, cuddle with me -- but the amount I saw her was less frequent, the amount we talked in between seeing each other was less frequent and I could see the end coming but I didn't know when. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, but she said things were fine. When she broke up with me she told me that she still really likes me and wants time to figure things out for herself and that she wants to be friends. She told me about her ex-boyfriend and was embarrassed to tell me that he was abusive at certain points. He was also a drug abuser. She dated him for a year or so and her daughter ended up getting attached to him. It's been over a year since she last had contact with him, but her daughter still asks about him. What I had planned to tell her that night was that I was okay with her being a mother and that I really liked her daughter and I was ready to be her friend. I didn't get that chance. During the breakup she insisted to me that she needed to think things over, maybe see a therapist, and that she does really like me. To me, it feels like she's already been thinking about it for a month and she's just trying to put me down kindly. But I still have a little seed of hope in me that she really just does need time to sort it out and that maybe she'll come back to me. I wrote her a letter the day after the breakup and told her how much I care about her, that I'm sorry about her ex-boyfriend and am here to talk about it if she wants to. I told her that I am willing to take a step back and be her friend because she means that much to me. She thanked me for the letter, said it meant a lot to her and that it made her cry and then told me that I was "incredible." I don't know what to do. I want to get her back... You need to accept the fact that you made a very very big boo boo on this. When you are dating a woman with a kid, you are also dating her kid too! You never EVER make fun of any women's kid. This goes to show that you are rude, egotistical and completely immature. The kid is innocent in this relationship and making fun of the little girl that you're watching cartoons with her is to add insult to her mother. At least the bad boy druggie type is a better character than you are despite the fact that he's a drug user. I hope she has a very big forgiving heart, but I sense that she does not. I'll explain below. After 2 months of dating, she had seen that you have potential to be with her long term, but she wanted to test how you react to her daughter. A man who can maintain good interaction with a little kid with a short fuse and a short attention span for long periods of time is a good nurturer and also knows how to take care of his woman. You have to be relaxed and funny with kids. In fact there is a direct correlation between a guy who can cheer up little guys like a snake charmer to being able to play his woman like a guitar. The druggie was that guy. To me, you're not. You'll get pummelled by this little girl of hers no problem seeing that you fear seeing and being with her. Once a kid senses fear from you, they will push your buttons. She wants to see that, but I guess she doesn't need to anymore. In her eyes, you are weak and a nice guy type. Not great in maintaining relationships. Secondly, once she brought out the exes then you are pretty much finished. When she makes comparison with her exes, you are part of her problem you see. You need to project to her that you are better than her exes, but because of this blunder, you reminded her of her ex just seeing you. You do know why they become exes. But what I am worried more is the repressed anger and negative emotions she has boiling inside. This means that she had never fully healed the heart in her that her exes broke. Which means, this is not good news to you. What you have here is you walking on egg shells just so you don't get her into an emotional argument type of a girl and this will become a hard thing for you to deal with as the relationship progresses further. Human beings make mistakes, but to ask you to be on the ball every time she throws a curvie on you is simply impossible to maintain. Yes, she probably need therapy, but you are not the one doing this. This is because, you are her problem. When you fix her problem, then you are no longer needed. My advise is since she's going cold on you to think about dating other girls. You are obviously not willing to be with her daughter because you made fun of her. This is your authentic self who said that, so don't lie about this. If you don't like kids during dates, then you should be honest with yourself and date women with no kids. Do you expect to have sex with her and walk away without thinking about the kid? You also need to be aware that every time this single mother sees you, she needs to find a babysitter for her little girl and she is spending money to be just with you. So you don't think that she knows you like her and she likes you. One of things you seemed to have forgotten in your dating equation? Honesty helps you date successful. Edited May 18, 2013 by happydate
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