tinam Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 This is really taking a toll on me. Its been 8 days since my x said he was cheating and leaving. It still feels unreal to type that! He's just at work and Will be home soon. That's how it seems. Then i remember. No! The first 3 days were sooo bad! Literally physiaally ill. No sleep or food. Still haven't been able yo eat much. Trying . So tired. Every noice makes me cringe. Its just crazy the past few days I've had some times where i was like no he's not doing this to me .i get mad. I focus on me exercise, then bam im a hot mess again! I try to focus and remember what put me in the good state if mind. Im condtantly jornaling . I was doinguyen ok today worked out, layed by the pool cried some but it Wssnt overwhelming. Then i got home and was stupid and looked at his email and saw a bunch if listings for places to rent .which obviously means he has no intention on coming back here. What's driving Mr more crazy is. I don't know how he can afford it unless he stops helping mean is planning on getting a place with this OW that we have yet to disguss. I know nothing of how serious it is. Only that he cheated . My minds been through the ringer. How does this happen. How do you not know your husband. Im so broken hearted . I have to see him for the first time tommirow and i want to be strong and not let him see how badly he's breaking me. But i have so many unanswered questions . After 15 years don't i derseve answers?This is just not happening to me. . We were so damn happy unanswered.
Shocked Suzie Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 This is really taking a toll on me. Its been 8 days since my x said he was cheating and leaving. It still feels unreal to type that! He's just at work and Will be home soon. That's how it seems. Then i remember. No! The first 3 days were sooo bad! Literally physiaally ill. No sleep or food. Still haven't been able yo eat much. Trying . So tired. Every noice makes me cringe. Its just crazy the past few days I've had some times where i was like no he's not doing this to me .i get mad. I focus on me exercise, then bam im a hot mess again! I try to focus and remember what put me in the good state if mind. Im condtantly jornaling . I was doinguyen ok today worked out, layed by the pool cried some but it Wssnt overwhelming. Then i got home and was stupid and looked at his email and saw a bunch if listings for places to rent .which obviously means he has no intention on coming back here. What's driving Mr more crazy is. I don't know how he can afford it unless he stops helping mean is planning on getting a place with this OW that we have yet to disguss. I know nothing of how serious it is. Only that he cheated . My minds been through the ringer. How does this happen. How do you not know your husband. Im so broken hearted . I have to see him for the first time tommirow and i want to be strong and not let him see how badly he's breaking me. But i have so many unanswered questions . After 15 years don't i derseve answers?This is just not happening to me. . We were so damn happy unanswered. Unfortunately you will feel like this for a while, first two weeks i hardly ate, early hours rising to vomit, broken sleep, walked around like a zombie, driving was dangerous .....all i can say is these extreme emotions do ease. I still to this day get the odd wave of 'OMG cant believe this is happening'....and 'Why' . Those few blissful seconds you forget and then you remember ....but now when i do its more of a small wave rather then a huge tsunami that knocks you sideways. I still struggle with things like general food shop 'due to lack of focus' and for the first time in 5 months i bought my first lot of bday cards for this year as each day would roll into the next and the thought of writing a card out without his name in it made it all very real, even looking at the DAD section for my dad's bday and father day card i found hard yesterday! and i thought the other day...how am i gonna feel on our wedding anniversary!! i try to think of positives such as 'my growth' and that this is a new chapter...a lesson, i know i'll be ok, there nothing anyone can do...its just down to you, me to sort out and deal with in the best possible way. Every time he does something like look at rentals, be cold towards you, let the kids down, it will help you slowly become detached and see him for the person he now is, not the man you married. Hang in there...talk on here, talk to friends...let people help you x 4
squidbrain Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Don't make any major decisions. Talk to some one. You are stronger than you think. You will get through this 24 hour living nightmare. Trust me, you are better off now losing that dead weight. Fly. 2
mandy6979 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 It's now 8 weeks since my cheating hubby left me for his other woman, so I feel all ur pain too. For the first few weeks, I couldn't sleep or eat and I lost 21lbs in weight. I was also like a zombie, felt panicky all the time and it seemed like my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. I couldn't understand "why", as we were married for 23 years, had the perfect happy marriage and everyone used to comment about how in love we were after all those years. I still have days where I think "did that really happen or was it a dream?" as it still seems a bit unreal at times. However, most days I thank my lucky stars that he showed his true colours and I've now got the opportunity to find someone else who will treat me how I deserve to be treated. Our 23rd wedding anniversary last Sunday was easier than I thought it was going to be. I imagined that I would have been in tears for most of the day, but I kept myself busy with family and I didn't think much about it. I'm quite proud of myself!!!! He now stays in a different country with his new woman, and I have very little contact with him which I find makes things easier. When I think about my future, it scares me, but also excites me too and I'm not prepared to sit back and let my life go downhill while he lives it up with his home wrecker girlfriend. Good luck to you and keep your chin up!!!
Yasuandio Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 (edited) It is normal to be spinning like this. You are in a state of shock. I know there was stuff going on, probably some really bad stuff, for a really long time right under my nose - but I do not have any evidence. Now the divorce is final, and it took four years, and of course, it still bugs me. But, many times I think, it is better he did not say it to me directly, and reject me out right like what happened to you. But most importantly, why I am posting to also point out, in favor of this most terrible situation we have in common, I think it is best that my eyes did not see the facts at this point. So your ears had to hear it - but you certainly don't have to have it rubbed under your nose, or put before your eyes to know what it is. Upon reflection, if I found out my former husband has children with another woman (which is entirely possible), or other unsavory secrets that I suspect, it can only hurt me worse if I see it at this point. He has rejected you straight out - now, I suggest you get him out of your face toot sweet, so you can recover your composure - and not do anything you regret later (which sometimes happens when people get rejected - see 180's). Here are some emergency ideas for you to get thru the next couple weeks some may have already suggested these): 1. No Contact (Nothing but silence, and business, period). 2. Change Atmosphere for yourself - get away from there, go to a motel, do what wver is necessary to not be around him until he leaves the home. 3. Legal advice pronto. 4. (Maybe, and I mean maybe - really think about this - if you can handle it emotionally, and accept it) Find out who this chick is, and collect evidence while it is available. You might be able to use this to your advantage. But take care of yourself first. [OF COURSE, YOU ARE NOT ME. And you may prefer to be knowledgable rather than "not know the details" like my position on this - years later. I am now so glad I don't know any real hard evidence, I am so thankful. And perhaps I even self-sabotaged my investigative efforts over the years to sub-consciously protect myself, and denial or avoideance of information that can only hurt me is the right direction for ME. I got a divorce, either way, - what difference does it make? Right? And really - if it does go to Court Trial - it is not a huge factor - and my extended personal reseach found Adultry really only can possibly make about ten percent diffence in outcome of settlement. But I had no proof of his adultry.] 5. Look up a divorce group in your neighborhood - even two. I found the best ones to be associatred with churches. Not for religious purposes - but because they were directed sessions, with a moderator - rather that chat groups at a bookstore. 6. Go to doctor for STD check ASAP. 7. I got hooked on some video games that took my mind off things. I really enjoyed CakeMania the best. Anything that had to do with cooking! 8. Get to a therapist, or pastor, or someone who is a specialist of some kind, in this area, - stat. Counciling is very helpful in a crisis. 9. You doctor may give you medication to help your anxiety and/or mood, and/or depression and/or sleep if you need it. I needed it big time, and it really helped. 10. Get your support group organized. Eat, sleep, take care of your body. Try not to have too much wine or whatever, (that is what seemed to get me in the most trouble ). That's all I can think of right now. Hope this helps, Yas Edited May 18, 2013 by Yasuandio 6
robfos Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I'm about a month and half in to finding out my wife was cheating on me. The first few days were the worst days of my life. Since then it has gotten easier. They say time heals wounds. I'm not sure that is really correct but it does help dull the pain. What I would suggest is stay as busy as you can. Being alone at this time can make it even worse. Go out with friends, stay over their house a night or two if you can. Go out, meet people, find a church or other type of social group you can spend time at, and definitely seek counseling. Talking about it with other people will help. One thing I realized already is don't try to make sense of it. There is no way to do that. People change and sometimes there is nothing we can do to stop that. No matter what is in your past, it does not guarantee a future. It's sad but true. 3
Author tinam Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Thank you. So very tired today. God Will i ever sleepp again
rolo99 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Boy can I understand what you are going through. My husband of 13 years told me he loved me but wasn't "in love with me" on March 11 & moved out on the 23rd. After he signed a year lease on an apartment, I filed for divorce. He denies that there is someone else. Truthfully, if there is, I don't think I want to know. Luckily I work at home, so I could work, cry, work, cry, etc. Now I have progressed to being able to (most days) work an entire day without crying, then I get in my car to go somewhere, relax, and start crying. Strangely one of the hardest places is a grocery store. I get overwhelmed and sometimes have to abandon my cart and leave the store before I start sobbing. I wear sunglasses a lot. My friends have been amazing. My horses have been my sanity and some of my sorrows. I worry that I'll have to sell one (I have 2), which would kill me as much as if I have to sell the house and/or move. It just doesn't seem fair that I should have to suffer for HIS decision. I had some leftover Ambien that helped me sleep at first. Now I use Unisom, which can be bought over the counter. That works about 80% of the time. But some nights my mind races and I know it's going to be another night of no sleep. Most nights I cry myself to sleep.
Author tinam Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 Boy can I understand what you are going through. My husband of 13 years told me he loved me but wasn't "in love with me" on March 11 & moved out on the 23rd. After he signed a year lease on an apartment, I filed for divorce. He denies that there is someone else. Truthfully, if there is, I don't think I want to know. Luckily I work at home, so I could work, cry, work, cry, etc. Now I have progressed to being able to (most days) work an entire day without crying, then I get in my car to go somewhere, relax, and start crying. Strangely one of the hardest places is a grocery store. I get overwhelmed and sometimes have to abandon my cart and leave the store before I start sobbing. I wear sunglasses a lot. My friends have been amazing. My horses have been my sanity and some of my sorrows. I worry that I'll have to sell one (I have 2), which would kill me as much as if I have to sell the house and/or move. It just doesn't seem fair that I should have to suffer for HIS decision. I had some leftover Ambien that helped me sleep at first. Now I use Unisom, which can be bought over the counter. That works about 80% of the time. But some nights my mind races and I know it's going to be another night of no sleep. Most nights I cry myself to sleep. I know what you mean. I so wish i didn't know he cheated. It t would be so much easier to deal with i guess if he would have left with im not happy. Then down the line he has a girlfriend. Sure i would have wondered but knowing for sure is absolute torture!! Now he's living with her. Wants the kids to meet her. 2 weeks ago we were holding hands kissing laughing happy. WTH Too much! Idont think i could handle working at home too. It was soo hard first few days now work helps occupy my mind a little. Hate being in in that house! Everyone is bombarding me in getting legal advise and go to a Dr. And i know their all right. I just don't wanna deal with it right now. So tired!
worldgonewrong Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 tinam- I am sending you prayers & all good thoughts today...as well as to everyone else on this forum who's in pain because of similar awful circumstances. Even though I'm over the hump, the sadness of others makes me want to cry out in pain. All this unnecessary, collective sadness, due to the carelessness, coldness of others. I only wish we could've had a crystal ball at the beginning of these relationships which could've guided us away, if we'd known the sum total would be crash-and-burn. That said, there is happiness & joy to be had down the road. I swear it. And you will get there. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I know what you mean. I so wish i didn't know he cheated. It t would be so much easier to deal with i guess if he would have left with im not happy. Then down the line he has a girlfriend. Sure i would have wondered but knowing for sure is absolute torture!! It is tough . The only upside in my similar situation is that I had, at some point, to tell myself "She's chosen someone. And it isn't me". So the knowledge of cheating as opposed to "I'm not happy" is a little like aggressively ripping off a bandage - it hurts more, but for a shorter period of time. Hang in there, better days ahead... Mr. Lucky 1
Shocked Suzie Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I know what you mean. I so wish i didn't know he cheated. It t would be so much easier to deal with i guess if he would have left with im not happy. Then down the line he has a girlfriend. Sure i would have wondered but knowing for sure is absolute torture!! Now he's living with her. Wants the kids to meet her. 2 weeks ago we were holding hands kissing laughing happy. WTH Too much! Idont think i could handle working at home too. It was soo hard first few days now work helps occupy my mind a little. Hate being in in that house! Everyone is bombarding me in getting legal advise and go to a Dr. And i know their all right. I just don't wanna deal with it right now. So tired! I understand this feeling so well, 'so tired' tends to linger for some time, thinking back on my first few weeks the first few important things I'd did was to open my own bank account and separated my money 'this was because of spiraling debt' and wanted to take on all the important bills that had been building up...the next thing I did was to see my GP to get a low dose Valium to use when needed on really stressful days. Third thing was to get legal advise ' this was the best thing I did ' as it gave me direction and facts, with this and my exh new personality I then began to make my own decisions and started the path to move forward....try to do one thing at a time, think of the most important one for you personally 'what's bothering you the most' and do that...then move onto the next. Gaining control of yourself will lift you, you will get there...I know your a good, grounded person just by your posts! you'll come through this ok Let him think your a push over, let him think you have no idea what's going on....my overall goal strength are my kids, their future and wellbeing ...let that drive you to some goals. 2
coaches24 Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 This, Every word of it. My daughter is my strength. She is what gets me through my problems with my wife!!!!! I understand this feeling so well, 'so tired' tends to linger for some time, thinking back on my first few weeks the first few important things I'd did was to open my own bank account and separated my money 'this was because of spiraling debt' and wanted to take on all the important bills that had been building up...the next thing I did was to see my GP to get a low dose Valium to use when needed on really stressful days. Third thing was to get legal advise ' this was the best thing I did ' as it gave me direction and facts, with this and my exh new personality I then began to make my own decisions and started the path to move forward....try to do one thing at a time, think of the most important one for you personally 'what's bothering you the most' and do that...then move onto the next. Gaining control of yourself will lift you, you will get there...I know your a good, grounded person just by your posts! you'll come through this ok Let him think your a push over, let him think you have no idea what's going on....my overall goal strength are my kids, their future and wellbeing ...let that drive you to some goals. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 This, Every word of it. My daughter is my strength. She is what gets me through my problems with my wife!!!!! :) exactly :) and each time Tina your H is a self centered, crap talking idiot you will eventually get anger from this and then strength...then you will begin to play ball 1
Author tinam Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 :) exactly :) and each time Tina your H is a self centered, crap talking idiot you will eventually get anger from this and then strength...then you will begin to play ball Ugh. I hope so!! Having a decent night last night my phone rings. Its him . Wanted to tell kids goodnight. I gave them the phone. Had bad cinnection. He texxted me please tell them i love them. I said okay . He said thank you. And Is everything ok other than the obvious ? Wth?I just said yes..There is nothing else other than the last" obvious" right now! Was that his way of being nice? I don't know. I think i do need to make an appointment to md make. Have barely slept in 2 weeks. So jumpy, shaky. Just a mess some days.
Steadfast Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 The only upside in my similar situation is that I had, at some point, to tell myself "She's chosen someone. And it isn't me". I relate to this so well. Over time, I had become so down from feeling down that I decided the best course was head-on into the worst of it. For me, that was her being gone. I forced myself to accept it, leave her alone, and move on. I'd like to say it was easy Tina, but few things worth doing are.
Shocked Suzie Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Ugh. I hope so!! Having a decent night last night my phone rings. Its him . Wanted to tell kids goodnight. I gave them the phone. Had bad cinnection. He texxted me please tell them i love them. I said okay . He said thank you. And Is everything ok other than the obvious ? Wth?I just said yes..There is nothing else other than the last" obvious" right now! Was that his way of being nice? I don't know. I think i do need to make an appointment to md make. Have barely slept in 2 weeks. So jumpy, shaky. Just a mess some days. Small steps...day by day or even hour by hour...try not to get go straight into antidepressants, it is important to allow these emotions. As I said I have a low dose vallium, but only take these on very stressful days...they also help you sleep as they are a short term muscle relaxant. His action sound to me like guilt, don't give him a thing emotionally....you did/text the right thing back, he has given you nothing emotionally, you don't owe him anything in return. It will get better, try not to 'although I did this heaps at first' think to far ahead...the future... It gets too overwhelming and it's not worth thinking too much for you at this stage
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