MissBee Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 BSs: Did you know your spouse's AP before the affair? As in, was the AP a friend of yours, relative, someone you and your spouse both spent time with or you at least knew of them and spoke to them before or saw them before...or was the AP a complete stranger? Do you think whether or not you knew/met/saw them before made a difference in your processing/feelings about the A? Part of why I ask is because another thread is discussing BW's wanting to matter to the OP as well as another thread in which the OW is imagining the BS speaking ill of her, and it occurred to me that most BSs don't know about the As and thus cannot think much about the OW beforehand, while the OW often learns a lot about the BS before the BS even registers her existence. I then wondered upon dday, how many found out the OW was someone they actually knew before versus a complete stranger and what difference did it make, if any? 1
Furious Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I didn't know the married other woman. The affair was long distance and he saw her a couple of days each month. I think it would have been more traumatic if she had been a friend or a colleague that I knew. It would be a double betrayal and a lot harder to deal with if that were the case. I wonder if an OW discovered there was an OOW if they would not want to know everything they could about her. It still is surprising to me that some OW insinuate that some betrayed spouses are obsessed about the OW but I wonder how they'd feel if that happened to them, especially if that person were a friend or colleague. 5
Spotme Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 AP was H's coworker and friend. We socialized frequently before the affair. Once it started he tried, partly successfully, to keep us apart. Because I knew her, I knew that although I had the typical BS desire for answers, I would never get them from her. I know she simply freezes up and doesn't talk when upset, for one thing, and for another has a bizarrely vague and ambiguous way of talking in the normal course of things that always left me walking away from conversations with the feeling that she made no sense/didn't actually say anything (this was not just me, both H, pre-affair, and someone who met her through us said the same thing). So I figured talking to her would be an exercise in frustration and didn't bother. I moved on without her answers anyway.
ladydesigner Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Both APs of my ex knew me and my children via his work. My main issue as a result is: "how could they do that to someone who they kept a civil face to? How could they see my children and not care?" I had trouble grasping the inhumanity, selfishness, and desperation it takes to do such a thing. Sadly, I learned via LS the answers to those questions by reading OP posts... I still can't get over this part and probably never will. MOW was not my friend but she worked for my WH and met me and the kids on multiple occasions. I was always pleasant to her and even gave her a hug when I saw her. I was crushed on DDay when I found out it was her. I felt like such a fool and that even doesn't begin to describe the feeling.:sick: 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Yes - in my case my xom, his wife and my husband and I were friends - we vacationed together, went to dinner together, they hung out at our house a lot, ran in the same social circles, etc. In my husbands case, his xow was an employee of over 10 years. I knew her, but not very well.
2sure Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I knew one of them . X and I met her together. We both talked about what a train wreck she was after meeting her. She then started working for an organization we worked with, and I once did her a big favor. She was a groupie type person attracted to men in my husbands field. Married. As many other women as my husband had when I caught him, this one bothered me because she knew me.
Author MissBee Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 Thanks for the responses. Also: if the AP was a friend/someone you know, has that changed how you view your spouse's relationships now with all females? Are you more suspicious of it than you were before?
dichotomy Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 OM, was a long time AP partner, before me. I was introduced to him as "a friend" when I visited her home town with her. We hung out and had drinks. Only later did I realized their past and current connection. I was furious that she would let me hang out with him, without telling me, and that he knew all about me. Like some secrete joke.
Summer Breeze Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 The 3 of us worked together so I knew her. It didn't matter to me that it was her but if it had been a person very close to me it would have been a double betrayal.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I had met OM multiple times but had really never a real conversation with him. He was fairly quiet. He was a higher ranking guy in her MA classes. She had talked about him a lot...I knew OF him for sure. Funny thing is she knew two guys with that first name and I usually assumed she was talking about the other one, the one she didn't have the A with. I think it would have been a lot harder if I had been closer friends with the OM. I felt pretty detached from being angry at him. I had no real connection. If I had known him better I think I would have been way more angry with him. As it was, I (rightly) put the brunt of the blame on my WW. 3
seren Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I had met OW and her husband once, years before the A. he was the coach at the rugby club, throughout the evening she belittled her H, flirted with my H and every other man who came to our table and TBH I didn't like her. I remember telling H that she had asked me to go to the club with her and I declined as we had nothing in common and I knew that I would have probably insulted her before the night was through. Both H and I said how it seemed she was having some sort of crisis, given how she behaved and dressed. This was years before. On D Day and H told me he had, had an A, I immediately thought of her as I knew all those years before that she had a thing for H as she told me she thought he was hot. I told her that I knew. I had forgotten how she looked, more an impression and my fear was that I would unknowingly meet her in a shop and be nice to her, I chat to anyone and everyone. I don't know why this mattered so much, but it did. Once I could put a face to her, it ceased to matter. Had I known her and that she was a friend, I would have felt doubly betrayed and wouldn't have been quite so understanding toward her. I don't know how anyone can do that, but then H did and he was is best friend so there you go.
beenburned Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Miss Bee, I didn't know any of my H's OW, as he met them during his line of work. They were all young and single. H claimed they all knew he was married and had young children but didn't care as long as they got what they wanted.(which was sex with my H) However, I have personally known of many affairs between friends whose families socialized together. Like someone else said here, it was like a double betrayal and very tramatic/sad when d-day occurred. It didn't matter to me at all what the unknown OW thought about me, or if they even gave it a thought at all.(I'm sure they didn't) But if it had been a friend/ co-worker/ or anyone that knew me/the kids personally it would have made a huge difference!!
Praying4Peace Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 All four of us knew each other pretty well. She would have considered me a friend.
Author MissBee Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 All four of us knew each other pretty well. She would have considered me a friend. I am not even sure what I'd do in that scenario. It would be worse for me if the person was someone I knew. I totally get seren's feeling of what if she ran into her somewhere and was nice to her because she didn't know her , and understand that paranoia, but I think with time that would be easier to get over than knowing this person was a friend/relative/acquaintance.
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