Minimizing the Affair

[bellasue]

How many MM do this after the affair ends to their BS? Someone posted on a different thread that they would never be able to bad mouth or minimize the AP because they held them in such a special place.

 

Shortly after dday, when I was shell shocked and overwrought, I sent them an email that said "I hope you and your wife are enjoying calling me nasty names and telling her it didn't mean a thing." because that's what I imagined they were doing.

 

I know his BS well and I'm sure she had some choice things to say about me. I don't blame her. However, I hope she had some choice things to say to him and that when she went down an ugly path, I hope he at a very minimum said something in defense of me. A girl can hope anyway.

[MissBee]

I'm sure she probably had more choice things to say about him than you. Does she know you? If not, it is even more likely that a nameless, faceless OW won't incur most of her wrath.

 

Unfortunately, if a MM is trying to keep his marriage, he is not going to defend the OW against the BS's wrath. This is counter to what is logical. I know you would like him to, but he most likely will not.

 

But it makes no sense to sit around imagining them calling you nasty names and so on...as how will it help? You don't know if they are indeed doing that, so why work yourself up imagining them doing it and hoping in this imaginary scenario he defends you? LOL it sounds crazy when said out loud

 

Unfortunately, most times what is the norm and can be expected from one's normal bf is just unrealistic in an A. Most single guys have no other woman they need to appease and if another women is disparaging their gf they will defend her. If your single boyfriend allows other women/people to speak ill of you and he doesn't step in, then you should rethink things. However, if your married boyfriend's wife finds out about you and he is not trying to divorce, he will unfortunately not defend your name. It's just a very awkward situation and most times the OW is at such a disadvantage. You're not wrong for wanting it, but the problem is, most times what we deserve and want cannot be given in an A context...yet we still want and expect it and it leads to frustration or being hurt and not really knowing how to address it realistically because the situation itself is often so illegitimate.

[Spotme]

My H did not minimize the AP, but I know her and had already formed my own opinion of her, so there was no point in going there. He also did not, to my knowledge, bad mouth me to her. It was more that she wanted to pretend I didn't exist, despite seeing me in social situations with some frequency, and he accommodated her by trying to never mention me directly (talking about our family activities - all planned and organized by me, by the way - very vaguely so she could imagine it was just him and our daughter doing all the stuff we did together). I, however, was very angry with her for her direct lies to and manipulations of me, so I certainly had some nasty things to say about her (just as I did about my H for his lies and manipulations). He couldn't really defend her, though, because he couldn't pretend she hadn't done those things.

 

He also did not minimize or deny his feelings. He absolutely, however, tried to minimize the length of both the EA and the PA. It was like he tried to erase as much of it as he could. This was the only thing he trickle-truthed on.

[ladydesigner]

If you are talking about minimizing it in a way that it was less hurtful to me? Yes

 

My WH would not even call his relationship with his MOW an A. He said they only kissed twice I knew better. I found out the details on my own and it had been an EA/PA. My WH minimized the whole A to me. He still to this day will not admit to me that he loved her even though I believe he did.

[Athens]

He said at the time it meant something to him but as he moves further and further from it, he sees it as the worst mistake of his life and regrets every part of it.

[whichwayisup]

Hate to say it, but not that many MM are going to defend or stand up for their (ex) OW when a D-day happens. That would be suicide and he might as well pack his bags and move out. In your situation because the BS knows you, she IS going to hold you responsible maybe more so than an OW she didn't know.

 

You know how he felt for you during the A. That should count enough.

 

Anyway I hope you continue on the healing path and don't focus too much on him, his wife and what goes on their marriage.

[ComingInHot]

bellasue, as Miss Bee said, do Not spend Any of your time imagining what MM & W may or may Not be saying about you.

The bottom line is, MM did Not leave for you & BW did Not kick him out for you. They are attempting R which means for the two of them, right now, they are the only ones that matter in R and mending their M.

For me, my fWH ended the A Before I found out. He realized sooner than some what he was risking in losing me & our family.

When she outed their past A to me and I confronted H, the first thing he said was, "OW's a psycho, crazy, #%$&√". I looked right him & seethed, "don't you Dare talk that way about Anyone unless you're looking in the mirror!!". He had defended her during their A when I told him she was making employees uncomfortable. There was NO way I'd allow him to distract me from what he chose to do to me and our family With her.

 

Granted, when she refused to leave me alone, both H & I had some choice, descriptions of her but we gave that to our Attorney to deal with. By then she kind of Was crazy etc...

[bellasue]

You're right that it should not matter to me what they think. However, we do live in the same neighborhood and travel in some of the same social circles. They have both asked that I not tell anyone of the affair, but I sort of live in fear that I will run into a mutual friend and they will say something. So I'm stuck between telling my side of the story or waiting to be outed by tales of being a whore, etc. I know the BS likes to trash talk a lot of people for almost any reason.

[So happy together]

My situation is a little different, but even so, there was a dday etc. My bf left the marriage, but I know there was/is a lot of trash talk on the side of the BS regarding me (with reason, I suppose), but my bf does not allow he to say anything to him regarding us and he did not trash talk me or our relationship. I can certainly see why he would minimize the affair if he planned to stay in the M, because he wants to lessen the hurt to the BS and move forward with the life he is choosing and doesn't want to make it any more difficult than it has to be.

 

But, I still don't think that means the R we have/had with them means any less. I think that most of the time the feelings that they show the OM/OW are pretty true feelings. I think a lot of MM/MW are truly torn between family and a love affair and it tears them up inside. I also think a lot of times they take the path of least resistance.

[ComingInHot]

bellasue wrote, " So I'm stuck between telling my side of the story or waiting to be outed by tales of being a whore, etc. "

 

If WH is minimizing the A to his Wife, what do you think you could say to his W or anyone for that matter that would "subdue" how the BW feels about the A and you and your part in it?

I only ask because you had mentioned you & BW Know each other.

I am concerned that by "telling your side of the A story" his Wife will use that against you in the social circles you stated you Both run in.

 

In the end, if MM IS minimizing the A to save his M & family, maybe consider letting him, especially if it keeps his W from "trash-talking" you.

 

I understand it hurts to be minimized and made to feel you meant not in/don't matter but I see here a-lot that OW/exOW's state, "they know the "real" truth of how Big & real & true and deep the A was and the feelings inside the A.

Why not just keep believing that? It could be the truth after all?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

How many MM do this after the affair ends to their BS? Someone posted on a different thread that they would never be able to bad mouth or minimize the AP because they held them in such a special place.

 

Shortly after dday, when I was shell shocked and overwrought, I sent them an email that said "I hope you and your wife are enjoying calling me nasty names and telling her it didn't mean a thing." because that's what I imagined they were doing.

 

I know his BS well and I'm sure she had some choice things to say about me. I don't blame her. However, I hope she had some choice things to say to him and that when she went down an ugly path, I hope he at a very minimum said something in defense of me. A girl can hope anyway.

 

I think every situation is different, I know after the second dday that my xom did try to defend me (this was confirmed by others that heard him) but very quickly there were those around him that told him to stop it because he needed to be focusing on his bw. I do take a little comfort in that initially he did try to "protect" me a little, but that soon ended.

 

I don't know what happened after those initial 4 months after dday when he went completely silent. Honestly there isn't anything I can do about it. Our circle of friends were very intertwined as well. Now over 3 years later things have shaken out a little bit. I think for the most part most people see him as a coward and definitely view her (his wife's) behavior as manipulative and definitely playing victim (which she was - actually all of us were). It took a lot of strength not to lash back at times when she did some of the things she did (especially when it hurt my children and my husband) and there were times I did react, but then I eventually just let it be - i took it and I just allowed it all to play out. You know what happened? As I reintegrated into the community, volunteering, coaching, involving myself in the local arts scene, etc., people began to sort out the real truth.

 

He can hardly show his face in town (and it is his hometown as well as hers) except under the dark of night. Because I stayed and walked through it here and he ran and didn't really face anything here, the community sees me as strong. They see him as very weak and cowardly and they see her as a manipulative spouse who not only sought to strike at me but hit my kids and husband in the crossfire.

 

Believe me - if you stay silent no matter what is said about you, and you live your life and rebuild yourself, people will get it eventually. Most logical thinking people know that we are all human and make mistakes (sometimes very bad ones). It's in the aftermath that they really watch how you handle yourself that they draw conclusions.

 

For instance, I believe that they (his family and posse) expected i would chase after him and become some sort of crazy, "fatal attraction" person. When I did not do that, after a time they have to really rethink their initial thought process. Because I didn't do any of those things and I stayed away, they are at a complete loss. I could have - I know where he lives, he never changed phone numbers, he never changed emails, he didn't change employment, I pretty much know his habits, where he likes to eat, etc. He eventually became very public about where he was going and what he was doing. I could have showed up on multiple occasions over the past few years and made them miserable. But I haven't.

 

All that to say, do not worry about what he is or isn't saying. It doesn't matter right now. He is choosing to stay where he is and he has to do whatever he can to make his recovery possible. In the end, if he is minimizing it and trashing you and those are not his true feelings, it will eventually come out. You cannot hide that stuff forever. It will come out during a fight, or after a couple of beers, in a weak moment. And don't think for a moment that his bs (and maybe even others around him) aren't watching him very closely. She knows when something is off - believe me.

Edited May 18, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[beenburned]

It is very common for the WS to minimize the whole affair if they are trying to stay married to the BW. I call it CYA mode.

 

However, their are many infidelities that are only sexual in nature(FB,FWB,ONS)

 

If the flings are agreed upon by both AP as for sex only, then the WS may be telling the whole truth when they say there were no love/emotions involved, and they never wanted a divorce from the BW.(they just thought they would not get caught)

 

My FWS's flings were of the nature above^^^. I know for a fact he was telling the truth on d-day, as his co-workers and him cheated , then bragged to each other about it. When the co-workers got caught by their wives, they called me to tell me what all they had been up to. It matched my H's d-day story exactly.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It is very common for the WS to minimize the whole affair if they are trying to stay married to the BW. I call it CYA mode.

 

However, their are many infidelities that are only sexual in nature(FB,FWB,ONS)

 

If the flings are agreed upon by both AP as for sex only, then the WS may be telling the whole truth when they say there were no love/emotions involved, and they never wanted a divorce from the BW.(they just thought they would not get caught)

 

My FWS's flings were of the nature above^^^. I know for a fact he was telling the truth on d-day, as his co-workers and him cheated , then bragged to each other about it. When the co-workers got caught by their wives, they called me to tell me what all they had been up to. It matched my H's d-day story exactly.

 

This I agree with entirely. When there is an immense emotional attachment (as mine was with my XMM) then they really go into cya mode - that is for certain.

[Praying4Peace]

After first Dday my exAP took a hit for me, he told her that he was the one to blame for starting the whole thing and even showed her the evidence. That was a year ago and towards the end when it got really out of hand, he would throw me under the bus. But I could understand and I even knew about it.

 

He would tell me- I have to tell her what she needs to hear. Ends justify the means, right? If you've decided to reconcile you must make it easier on both spouses. For him this meant a careful decision to let out some 'big things' to look honest and then minimize others or just flat out lie about them. The big reveals gave him credibility and allowed him to hide the really tragic stuff.

 

As for emotional stuff- you cannot ever tell a spouse you are trying to reconcile with that you have feelings for another person. That might fly for a few months in a withdrawal sense but after that...yeah...no. He'd also explain away any depression/tears as 'feeling guilty'. Who knows, the MM's are liars and just do what benefits them and take what they need from the person in the best position to give it at the time.

 

Our circles and community is all entwined and no one knows. I'm divorced and live in fear of being outed. I don't care anymore. I used to be very active in the community- church, school, volunteering, etc. etc. I'm going back to that. Even if it comes out...like Lilmiss said, its a mistake and I'm still the same person.

 

But yeah, you gotta minimize otherwise whats the point of reconciling?

Edited May 18, 2013 by Praying4Peace

[bellasue]

I think every situation is different, I know after the second dday that my xom did try to defend me (this was confirmed by others that heard him) but very quickly there were those around him that told him to stop it because he needed to be focusing on his bw. I do take a little comfort in that initially he did try to "protect" me a little, but that soon ended.

 

I don't know what happened after those initial 4 months after dday when he went completely silent. Honestly there isn't anything I can do about it. Our circle of friends were very intertwined as well. Now over 3 years later things have shaken out a little bit. I think for the most part most people see him as a coward and definitely view her (his wife's) behavior as manipulative and definitely playing victim (which she was - actually all of us were). It took a lot of strength not to lash back at times when she did some of the things she did (especially when it hurt my children and my husband) and there were times I did react, but then I eventually just let it be - i took it and I just allowed it all to play out. You know what happened? As I reintegrated into the community, volunteering, coaching, involving myself in the local arts scene, etc., people began to sort out the real truth.

 

He can hardly show his face in town (and it is his hometown as well as hers) except under the dark of night. Because I stayed and walked through it here and he ran and didn't really face anything here, the community sees me as strong. They see him as very weak and cowardly and they see her as a manipulative spouse who not only sought to strike at me but hit my kids and husband in the crossfire.

 

Believe me - if you stay silent no matter what is said about you, and you live your life and rebuild yourself, people will get it eventually. Most logical thinking people know that we are all human and make mistakes (sometimes very bad ones). It's in the aftermath that they really watch how you handle yourself that they draw conclusions.

 

For instance, I believe that they (his family and posse) expected i would chase after him and become some sort of crazy, "fatal attraction" person. When I did not do that, after a time they have to really rethink their initial thought process. Because I didn't do any of those things and I stayed away, they are at a complete loss. I could have - I know where he lives, he never changed phone numbers, he never changed emails, he didn't change employment, I pretty much know his habits, where he likes to eat, etc. He eventually became very public about where he was going and what he was doing. I could have showed up on multiple occasions over the past few years and made them miserable. But I haven't.

 

All that to say, do not worry about what he is or isn't saying. It doesn't matter right now. He is choosing to stay where he is and he has to do whatever he can to make his recovery possible. In the end, if he is minimizing it and trashing you and those are not his true feelings, it will eventually come out. You cannot hide that stuff forever. It will come out during a fight, or after a couple of beers, in a weak moment. And don't think for a moment that his bs (and maybe even others around him) aren't watching him very closely. She knows when something is off - believe me.

 

 

Thanks for an AMAZING post. I, too, have chosen just to walk through stuff while he has decided to hide himself away. On dday he asked me not to tell anyone about the affair and this has been difficult to do since everyone is now asking about him. Why do I have to be the one to explain things to our friends and community?

 

In the end though I think they will respect me more than him. And I'm not giving up my life for him.

[latergater]

Hate to say it, but not that many MM are going to defend or stand up for their (ex) OW when a D-day happens. That would be suicide and he might as well pack his bags and move out. In your situation because the BS knows you, she IS going to hold you responsible maybe more so than an OW she didn't know.

 

You know how he felt for you during the A. That should count enough.

 

Anyway I hope you continue on the healing path and don't focus too much on him, his wife and what goes on their marriage.

 

Exactly. When I caught my ex MM facebooking other women and learned there were other women he was seeing, he minimized THEIR relationships to ME & spoke NEGATIVELY about THEM to a FRIEND OF HIS while he was still SEEING THEM. In other words, he was seeing these girls and then turning around and saying these heinus, disrespectful things about THEM to his friend (facebook messenger) at the time the affair was HAPPENING. Here is an example:

 

"I am f*** "Kate" in the UK next month. I am going to jizz in her. Told her to figure it out. I told her I was taking her to a cheap hotel and she said that was fine, at long as it had a bed. Why didn't we know about this in high school - how easy it could be? This is hysterical! He was laughing about it!!

 

Yes, I am serious. Another one? "I am unloading in "Patricia" next week at the xxx. We are staying in the city and I am going to make her walk home in shame like the stupid whore she is." I am NOT kidding. These are the types of messages he was sending about these women to his friend while he was INVOLVED WITH THEM, telling THEM he loved them and missed them and couldn't wait to see them.

 

Do you really think he is going to defend you to his wife and proclaim his LOVE FOR YOU? NO WAY - especially if he is trying to save his MARRIAGE. I am not so sure he is going to tell his wife how much he cared for his OW when she is screaming at him, threatening divorce, and demanding answers .. I want to know why you didn't end it! Well honey, she was a stallion in bed, I loved her and craved her and thought about her 24x7 and ... now, let's work on our marriage, shall we?" C'MON. OF COURSE HE IS NOT GOING TO DEFEND YOU. He is going to throw you under the bus. I felt sorry for her, she wouldn't take NO for an answer, blah blah. Trust me .. I have seen proof of this, in black and white.

[latergater]

The most helpful thing I've read on this site so far .. pretty much summing it up for me (and I am sorry but I can't give credit to the author because I am not sure where I read it/saw it" was ..

 

He made the choice - the choice to be with HER, not YOU. That is all you need to know. He is CHOOSING to lose you and to KEEP HER.

 

SO TRUE IT IS.

[spice4life]

Exactly. When I caught my ex MM facebooking other women and learned there were other women he was seeing, he minimized THEIR relationships to ME & spoke NEGATIVELY about THEM to a FRIEND OF HIS while he was still SEEING THEM. In other words, he was seeing these girls and then turning around and saying these heinus, disrespectful things about THEM to his friend (facebook messenger) at the time the affair was HAPPENING. Here is an example:

 

"I am f*** "Kate" in the UK next month. I am going to jizz in her. Told her to figure it out. I told her I was taking her to a cheap hotel and she said that was fine, at long as it had a bed. Why didn't we know about this in high school - how easy it could be? This is hysterical! He was laughing about it!!

 

Yes, I am serious. Another one? "I am unloading in "Patricia" next week at the xxx. We are staying in the city and I am going to make her walk home in shame like the stupid whore she is." I am NOT kidding. These are the types of messages he was sending about these women to his friend while he was INVOLVED WITH THEM, telling THEM he loved them and missed them and couldn't wait to see them.

 

Do you really think he is going to defend you to his wife and proclaim his LOVE FOR YOU? NO WAY - especially if he is trying to save his MARRIAGE. I am not so sure he is going to tell his wife how much he cared for his OW when she is screaming at him, threatening divorce, and demanding answers .. I want to know why you didn't end it! Well honey, she was a stallion in bed, I loved her and craved her and thought about her 24x7 and ... now, let's work on our marriage, shall we?" C'MON. OF COURSE HE IS NOT GOING TO DEFEND YOU. He is going to throw you under the bus. I felt sorry for her, she wouldn't take NO for an answer, blah blah. Trust me .. I have seen proof of this, in black and white.

 

This, like your other posts about your xMM, is very sobering. I pity people who think like these men. There will be one moment of clarity in their life - most likely the very last minute of their life - when they realize what is really important in life and they will feel the impact of their actions.

Edited May 18, 2013 by spice4life

[latergater]

This, like your other posts about your xMM, is very sobering. I pity people who think like these men. There will be one moment of clarity in their life - most likely the very last minute of their life - when they realize what is really important in life and they will feel the impact of their actions.

 

@spice4life

Do you really think so? Gosh, I hope you are right. You have NO idea how good I was to this guy. The ONLY reason I engaged in the affair is because he told me his wife had been sick and they never had sex and she wasn't into it and he didn't know what else to do, etc etc. I know it was all lies but I did feel some compassion for him and his situation. Even AFTER discovering the facebook messages, I continued to be a FRIEND and we were getting along really well as "friends." I could have remained friends.

 

Then his wife found out and he booted me out of his life like i was yesterday's garbage. It does hurt .. but I know it will get better.

Everyday I don't contact him is one day down and one day I am getting stronger.

[stevie_23]

Hmm. I sometimes wondered what my ex-MM said to his wife about me when all the D-days happened, but I didn't really care to be honest.

 

I assume he did do some minimising about our A. And I'm ok with that. I'd do the same thing I think, if the shoe were on the other foot.

 

When a d-day happens, unless you (a) want to really BE with your AP and can actually do that, or (b) don't want to continue in the marriage and actually can leave it at some point in the near future, most people would be inclined to try to survive as best they can, which in many cases does mean going into damage control with your spouse.