Enough reason to break NC????

[nugget_718]

I've been reading a lot of posts here and almost all advise says NC is the best way to jump start someone's recovery from a break up. I was posting in the LDR forum as my relationship is that but we had mutually agreed to break up last Friday. I went NC since. A little background:

 

I'm late thirties, he's early forties and both successful in our field. Relationship has been LDR since the get go; him being from UK and I am based in California. Seen each other every month averaging a week each time for the 1st year. Things changed when he accepted a new exec position last September that require him to travel extensively. The past 10 months we've only seen each other 3x, 2 of those required me to join him in one of his business trip. His work schedule had made it almost impossible for him to take a holiday as he is new and in charge of the company's revenue. So you could say that he has quite a very stressful job.

 

2 months ago I had to undergo a biopsy and he says he will try his best to be there for me. He was travelling in Asia when my schedule was confirmed and due to to this he could not be with me which I would have understood if he had not lied to me on his whereabouts 3 days before the biopsy. Instead of telling me that he has been summoned to his headquarters (which is 6 hrs flight away from me), he told me that he flew back to UK so he could not make it to my procedure but he will be thinking of me. I had my suspicion that something was off but he maintained his lie then came clean and wrote me a long email the following morning explaining why he had to do it. This is part of his email:

 

You may have heard the stress in my voice when we spoke yesterday, with the combination of my work load and my travel schedule I am on the edge...

 

I didn't tell you I was coming here as I have been trying to find a way to get over to see you but I can't.

 

To try and avoid any dissapointment I thought it would be better not to tell you I was here, stupid, I know but as I said my brain is fried and I am not thinking straight right now.

 

As you are also under some srtress of your own I wanted to try to avoid any more.

 

We've talked about it, I chose to forgive him and tried to understand where he was coming from. However, I told him how sad and disappointed I was and it will be tough for me to forget what feels like a betrayal. He made a promise to see me after 3 weeks (which would have been when I get my results) and that promise got broken once again due to work issues. That was the last straw. He says it pains him to see me unhappy and with what he is dealing with in his career right now, there will be more disappointments and I don't deserve that. He says he thinks its best for us to end things while there is still love and respect left as he can't bear it if I resent him later due to more broken promises. At that point, I was over my limit on disappointments and frustrations so I just agreed. He asked me to think things through and he wants me to message him so we can further discuss how to proceed. He says he wants us to continue communicating and he'd very much want to see me when he is in town.

 

Part of me wanted to reach out to him now that I had processed everything. We had a very good relationship when we were together. The connection was instantenous and chemistry was definitely there which is why we've lasted nearly 2 years LDR. We both said we still love each other but due to other circumstances it's best to end it. Is this enough reason to break NC?? Any thoughts is appreciated.

[CarrieT]

Is this enough reason to break NC?? Any thoughts is appreciated.

 

Nope. I would stay NC. He made the decision and by all accounts, things won't be any different.

[chelsea2011]

I wouldn't break NC. He said it was better to end it and is probably going to try to make it a a non-committed relationship based on "his" terms. Believe me, if you have feelings that is not something you want to open yourself up to. Being that you are in a vulnerable state right now it's not a good idea. Stay NC, allow yourself to heal and focus strictly on your life. If you let him in and sacrifice what you want and need by conforming to "his" rules you will be in for a world of pain and agony. Don't do that to yourself. Heal yourself first and odds are you will look at things much differently.

[aisuru]

I'm sorry you're hurting. It sucks to have your constant pulled out from under you.

 

It sounds like the distance and work commitments are taking their toll on the relationship. It usually goes down from here, so might as well maintain no contact for now.

 

I'm sorry.

[nugget_718]

Wow, this just shows how many people are in the same boat. Thank you guys for the response.

 

CarrieT, what you said is also my first thought. I said to myself, if I do reach out to him, nothing is really going to change anyway. We will still be broken up.

 

I wouldn't break NC. He said it was better to end it and is probably going to try to make it a a non-committed relationship based on "his" terms. Believe me, if you have feelings that is not something you want to open yourself up to. Being that you are in a vulnerable state right now it's not a good idea. Stay NC, allow yourself to heal and focus strictly on your life. If you let him in and sacrifice what you want and need by conforming to "his" rules you will be in for a world of pain and agony. Don't do that to yourself. Heal yourself first and odds are you will look at things much differently.

 

Chelsea, I am already in the world of pain due to the distance even when we were still together. He really was not insinuating on making it a "non-committed" relationship, he just wants us to continue the friendship. We both made it clear from the get go that we don't go for casual relationships.

 

Aisuru, yes you are right. The distance and his workload had finally taken it's toll on us. Like I said in my post, we had a good relationship, very loving and there was no animosity. There was never an instance where we shouted at each other. We're both very diplomatic when it comes to problems and solutions.

 

Break ups are painful no matter what the reason is. But don't you think there should be a disclaimer to the NC rules depending on what kind of person the dumper is; i.e. was he abusive, was he a compulsive liar or a cheater...etc. Just a thought.

[aisuru]

Aisuru, yes you are right. The distance and his workload had finally taken it's toll on us. Like I said in my post, we had a good relationship, very loving and there was no animosity. There was never an instance where we shouted at each other. We're both very diplomatic when it comes to problems and solutions.

 

Break ups are painful no matter what the reason is. But don't you think there should be a disclaimer to the NC rules depending on what kind of person the dumper is; i.e. was he abusive, was he a compulsive liar or a cheater...etc. Just a thought.

 

Nope, I don't think there can be a disclaimer to NC in the early days. Too many emotions, hopes, and dreams. Some relationships just aren't going to work out, no matter how great they feel and how great the people are. Sometimes you just have to take the positive and move on.

 

Believe me, I understand your situation to a degree. If you dig around, you can find my post about my own story.

 

Breakups are hard, but you'll heal your heart and take what you learned and apply it to the next relationship. Cause at the end of the day, we all want to be in a great relationship and we'll continue that elusive search for it.

[nugget_718]

Nope, I don't think there can be a disclaimer to NC in the early days. Too many emotions, hopes, and dreams. Some relationships just aren't going to work out, no matter how great they feel and how great the people are. Sometimes you just have to take the positive and move on.

 

Believe me, I understand your situation to a degree. If you dig around, you can find my post about my own story.

 

Breakups are hard, but you'll heal your heart and take what you learned and apply it to the next relationship. Cause at the end of the day, we all want to be in a great relationship and we'll continue that elusive search for it.

 

You're right. Even good relationships gets tested. Mine had a slim chance from get go due to the distance. But we were so good together that even our friends can't believe that we have broken up. In some ways I have been mourning the relationship before the actual break up happened because of the frustrations that comes with his cancelled trips out here. It would have been easy joining him on his business trips and that would have saved us but most of those trips require him to move from city or heck even country every day. On the 1st time that I joined him, there was one instance where we went from Germany to Netherlands then back to UK all the same day!

 

I did a little digging and found your story. Very emotional and I could say that to some degree I could relate to the flip flopping of emotions.

[aisuru]

We'll get through it. and be better for it.

 

Can I be nosey and ask what the 718 stands for in your screen name?

[aisuru]

I did a little digging and found your story. Very emotional and I could say that to some degree I could relate to the flip flopping of emotions.

 

HA! Yeah, I wrote it in a drunken stupor one night and have not read it sober. Getting it out of my head was the point.

[nugget_718]

Can I be nosey and ask what the 718 stands for in your screen name?

 

718 stands for the day of our first meeting. July 18. Nugget is one of our code words. Actually the whole code word is nugget and fries:).

[nugget_718]

HA! Yeah, I wrote it in a drunken stupor one night and have not read it sober. Getting it out of my head was the point.

 

Don't read it! You might start getting sappy again . I also saw your post about you going out on a date. How's that going?

[aisuru]

Don't read it! You might start getting sappy again . I also saw your post about you going out on a date. How's that going?

 

Haven't heard from the guy I went out with last Saturday and that's okay. I had a great time and desperately needed it.

 

Tonight I have dinner plans with an old friend I met through an OLD a couple years ago. We didn't connect romantically, but have kept in touch via email and FB off and on over the past year and half since I last saw him.

 

He knows I was not and still am not interested in him and that I just got out of a relationship. He's a great guy that I wish I was attracted to, but I'm not. We have great conversation and a lot in common so it will be nice to catch up.

 

Just getting myself out of the house is nice.

[nugget_718]

Haven't heard from the guy I went out with last Saturday and that's okay. I had a great time and desperately needed it..

 

Bummer....oh well, maybe it was for the best. Sometimes we need someone as emotional crutch when things are not OK. It happened to me once before, 6 yrs ago I think, jumping to the dating scene so quickly. I had to break up with the guy after a month because it was not fair to him. Plus I didn't feel there's enough spark at that point. I was still hung up on my ex.

 

 

Just getting myself out of the house is nice.

 

Yes, getting out and socializing helps a lot. Thank goodness I have good support. My weekends are usually busy and weekdays...work keeps me busy so I don't think too much of the ex.

[aisuru]

Just moving on with life. I've been through enough relationships and breakups to know you just keep taking care of yourself and doing what you have to until the thoughts dissipate and the breakup is just a flash of blinding light in the rearview mirror.