BustedUpInside Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 First, i would like to say that this is not an overly dramatic problem. I know some people on this site have really big issues with their exes and my problems just aren't like that. Our problems now after the breakup are just like the ones we had during our relationship. Nothing huge, no obvious deal breakers, but small and tedious and annoying. The kind that slowly chip away at the love, trust, and kinship until one person has to say it's enough. So, for me, it started yesterday. I was paying my second deposit for law school and I was annoyed because I was thinking about how my ex had been promising for months to put money into an account for me to pay for books and deposits and then we were going to go on a fun vacation before school started. Obviously after the breakup, it became apparent that these things weren't going to happen. I was distracted thinking these mad thoughts and so when I had to write my billing address in, I put the old one that we used to share. It was a jolt and I almost started crying. I didn't and I was able to recover but it kind of put me in a bad mood. The next thing was that he was supposed to take himself off of our shared cell phone plan and get his own. I pulled up the account to see if he had done it, and of course, he didn't. I couldn't resist spying on his usage after seeing that he was still there. I knew that it was going to make me unhappy and i knew that I wouldn't like what I was going to see. Of course, I was right. He never uses many minutes, but he didn't used to use text or picture messages much either because he would really only talk to me. Now apparently, he is able to blow through 90 text messages in two days. I have a good idea who they are to, but I don't really know and it isn't really my business anymore. The rational part of me gets what I should be feeling, and I understand when I am setting myself back. However, I just can't seem to break my habit of checking up on him in some way. I guess I am just scared to break all ties, but I am also scared to just keep hanging on to something that's not there. What I am really asking is how do I accept that we won't talk again? That both of our lives are diverging and will not come together again? I am better than I was a couple of months ago, but I don't want to still be suffering in another year. I have to get serious, so any input would be helpful.
aisuru Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I'm sorry you're hurting. Triggers can be rough sometimes. Is the account in your name? If so, just turn off his phone, even if there is a penalty. It will be better for your peace of mind. Trust me, he'll go get his own account pronto if you do that. 1
siankat Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 i promise you, no matter how you get through this, you will get through this to the other side where you will be laughing about the ridiculous things that happened and lets face it, when a guy is involved, there was always something ridiculous that happened Until then, you are getting there, if you have in your schedule for the week, a couple of things you really look forward to, no matter what they are, mine are sunsets and driving lessons for example, look forward to those and KNOW that even though in a bad moment you feel bad, there will be a happy moment down the line. The sunset one is purely for the awe of natures beauty itself, the driving lesson one well - my instructor is hot And do what you can to boost up your sense of self, a lot of rejection feels worse cos it's as if you have been rejected by everyone. You haven't, if you go out, and mingle without any intention, you will get proof of that. I think what hurts and leaves us feeling scared and empty is the thought that, if they leave, no one else comparable will fill that space in your life. They will, but it takes time time and more time for the hurt to leave to feel strong enough to start dating again...at least for me. I'm getting there though! We all will 1
KPChick000 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Sorry to read this Triggers are definitely tough and the hard part is we don't know when they will hit us. Like I said in my post, I can be shopping and then bam! I'll see a shirt or something that looks like a shirt he has, and I'll get that pang of heartache. But, it does go away. Just take deep breaths and try to shift your focus. I know it's hard, but you really are in control of how much pain you will tolerate. I can imagine how difficult it is not to check his phone records if they're at your disposal. Hell, I'm kinda jealous (semi-joking ). But you have to protect yourself. My nemesis is fb, and as you know, I've preemptively blocked any source of information about this weekend. I know it's so tempting not to but you have to cancel his phone to prevent further heartache. 1
mbee Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I understand what you are going through. Cancel that phone plan. That actually is not cool that he's even sharing that with you still, especially if he said he would cancel it. Stop doing him favors and cancel the plan. He made all these promises to you and clearly didn't follow through. I've been going through a similar thing. And the best thing I've done is just cut ties and stop focusing on the expectations I had for him when we were in a relationship. Good luck! You'll heal much more quickly once you cut off all these ties keeping you to him. 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 I am so sorry your going through this. If it has been months and he has not come back begging for you back, than it is fair to say that he is moving on, and so should you. Yes cancel the phone plan! You need to go 100%no contact. There is no way I would get over my ex if I kept him on facebook or kept checking his phone usage.... 1
OzHeartache Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Yeah triggers suck, I was just doing a big tidy up and found some bday and Xmas cards from her "looking forward to many more together" hmmpff..... Yeah right!! 2
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 First, i would like to say that this is not an overly dramatic problem. I know some people on this site have really big issues with their exes and my problems just aren't like that. Our problems now after the breakup are just like the ones we had during our relationship. Nothing huge, no obvious deal breakers, but small and tedious and annoying. The kind that slowly chip away at the love, trust, and kinship until one person has to say it's enough. So, for me, it started yesterday. I was paying my second deposit for law school and I was annoyed because I was thinking about how my ex had been promising for months to put money into an account for me to pay for books and deposits and then we were going to go on a fun vacation before school started. Obviously after the breakup, it became apparent that these things weren't going to happen. I was distracted thinking these mad thoughts and so when I had to write my billing address in, I put the old one that we used to share. It was a jolt and I almost started crying. I didn't and I was able to recover but it kind of put me in a bad mood. The next thing was that he was supposed to take himself off of our shared cell phone plan and get his own. I pulled up the account to see if he had done it, and of course, he didn't. I couldn't resist spying on his usage after seeing that he was still there. I knew that it was going to make me unhappy and i knew that I wouldn't like what I was going to see. Of course, I was right. He never uses many minutes, but he didn't used to use text or picture messages much either because he would really only talk to me. Now apparently, he is able to blow through 90 text messages in two days. I have a good idea who they are to, but I don't really know and it isn't really my business anymore. The rational part of me gets what I should be feeling, and I understand when I am setting myself back. However, I just can't seem to break my habit of checking up on him in some way. I guess I am just scared to break all ties, but I am also scared to just keep hanging on to something that's not there. What I am really asking is how do I accept that we won't talk again? That both of our lives are diverging and will not come together again? I am better than I was a couple of months ago, but I don't want to still be suffering in another year. I have to get serious, so any input would be helpful. I can't say I have the best advice for you, but I can share with you some of the things I've found out. I havent been on here much at ALL since probably early March....this week, I've been come on here more frequently. Why? EXACTLY what you are doing. A 27 year old man snooping through facebook, twitter, etc.... It's been eight months since my BU, 3 months of NC, and a CRAZY ride inbetween. Found out (through the months of snooping) that she cheated on me with a guy who was in a relationship, made him BU with his GF of three years, and he didn't want to be with her. She then went crazy and faked her own pregnancy (and subsequent 'miscarriage') and went super depressed blah blah. I was happy she was miserable....SO I stopped stalking and moved on. Thought I probably dodged a bullet. It was SO hard to fight temptation. SOOO hard. My friends always asked "Why do you WANT to know?" Thing was, I agreed with them...but yet still did it. I came out good....until today. After a long time, I decided to look at just one social network today. With that, I found a picture of her WITH someone else kissing. OHHHHH man, did THAT set me back. I started to get sick to the stomach and didnt know what to do. I was mad, sad, upset, etc...just an awful feeling. NOW, I'm back to checking every like 15 minutes because I'm so nosey, I want to see more. WHY?!?!?! I know the habit busted and I feel exactly the same way you do. It's none of my business anymore and its been long enough that I shouldn't care and yada yada. I'm done with that chapter of my life. The thought of not talking to her again is about the same as it is with yours. The old expression is SO true though: Ignorance is bliss. If I didn't look, my recovery could keep going. The longer the days go, the more time heals everything. It's so damn cliche, but it is the truth. The more time passes, the more that you dont WANT to talk to him again. It's incredibly hard to imagine, especially if you were with that person for so long (three years for me). Now, its all just memories. It doesn't hurt as much, but NO CONTACT of any sort (this includes stuff like phone records, social media, etc). If I saw that picture the end of last year, I would have probably done something stupid...I dont know what, but it would have been awful. Stay away (if possible) from triggers. I promise you busted, you will be better for this. 2
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