waterwoman Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I guess the difference between 'I''d never have an affair' and 'I'd never go crazy suspicious after d-day' is down to choice. I have no choice but to have a reaction of some sort to H's affair. I was given a fait accompli and had to deal with it as best I could. I wasn't prepared. I didn't have a ready 'What do in case H has an affair' manual. Who does? It's not something most of us expect to deal with. Having an affair is a choice. No matter how hard to the decision to go ahead or not might be. Its something that you choose to do or not. In one case you are plunged into the midst of it. In the other you choose to take the plunge. 3
Journee Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 It's simple for me. I only have this one life to live. This one shot at it all. I'm not going to spend one minute in an A. No matter how sexy or romantic. How justified or well deserved. If anything LS has shown me what the other side of the coin is like. For me it's even less desirable than reconciliation after betrayal. Maybe I'm just selfish. I am not into sharing the man I love. Not his penis , his time or his heart. Not even every now and then. Not even with my full knowledge. 7
sweet_pea Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 There is something I have never understood. I know for an absolute fact that I would NEVER inflict the pain of betrayal on anyone, knowing how horrible (beyond, actually) it was for me... And yet, there are OW who have said that they were once BS' and I guess I can't wrap my head around that. Knowing the pain, why would they themselves do it? Sorry if this is off topic but I figured it had to do with it a bit 4
Spark1111 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 There is something I have never understood. I know for an absolute fact that I would NEVER inflict the pain of betrayal on anyone, knowing how horrible (beyond, actually) it was for me... And yet, there are OW who have said that they were once BS' and I guess I can't wrap my head around that. Knowing the pain, why would they themselves do it? Sorry if this is off topic but I figured it had to do with it a bit I started a thread about it once because reading at LS amazed me of the number of current OW who had previously been BS!!!!! Just like the OW in my sitch! I was floored! I was still in IC at the time and asked the counselor his thoughts. He speculated that it could be a subconscious desire for empowerment, similar to the abused becoming the abuser later on. It did not shock him as much as it did me. Sorry for the t/j. 2
Gagirl Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I don't think any of these things are crazy. When a betrayal is discovered it is just hard to remain rational. There are all these thoughts of trying figure out what to do. Divorce and let the state pretty much force me into bankruptcy or keep my money and assets and stay married to the dog for the rest of our lives. It is really hard decision to make. Not easy as everyone says it is once the lawyers and the state get involved. Seriously, why should I have to share my 401K with someone I kicked to the curb 20 years earlier. Just sucks!! 1
dreamingoftigers Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I started a thread about it once because reading at LS amazed me of the number of current OW who had previously been BS!!!!! Just like the OW in my sitch! I was floored! I was still in IC at the time and asked the counselor his thoughts. He speculated that it could be a subconscious desire for empowerment, similar to the abused becoming the abuser later on. It did not shock him as much as it did me. Sorry for the t/j. I was going to mention that. Becoming the "aggressor," until they realize that neither position is very powerful. Even WS power is an illusion when it crashes down. It's only powerful in this little bubble that bursts and everything crashes. Just like poor investments in the stock market. 2
Journee Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I was going to mention that. Becoming the "aggressor," until they realize that neither position is very powerful. Even WS power is an illusion when it crashes down. It's only powerful in this little bubble that bursts and everything crashes. Just like poor investments in the stock market. Yeah, well tell that to the repulsive post going on at the other end of the spectrum. It's all fine and dandy. Posts full of big smiley faces and hearts even laughter. It's enough to make one give up on humanity. It's that stomach turning. The sheer pride behind it all. I try not to let this site taint much in my real life but da##!t, it's hard. It solidifies my stance on not becoming what I see here. Ever. Like friggin' ever... 6
Author ComingInHot Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 Okay, I can only say I Am crazy from a BW experience, but I can also write what Appears to be crazy from where I stand too... I think it's utterly INSANE that a WS who is head over heels for an AP Not use a DDay to Leave to be w/their hearts desire!! I'm thinking of MM right now (as from what I've read MW seem to have more backbone and are more apt to leave a "bad" M than men.) these MM come off as "strong, decisive protectors" they want the world to see them as large and in charge but they have about as much spine as a jellyfish when it comes to Infidelity. I read often that on DDay, they trash the OW, Lie More to their W and do whatever they can to cowardly save their own butts & ego. THEN, and this is the psycho part, they AGAIN reach out to the OW, crying, "poor me, I HAD to do it, I still want You..."!! Did they file for D? NO! Did they really come clean? NO!! To be able to do this is to BOTH women, is a form of craziness, a true psychological disorder that is beyond my comprehension.!.! Don't get me started on how crazy I think it is IF this does happen and the OW jumps back in AND the W (who actually Is vested & it would make at least a little more sense that she would try to salvage what they built) goes into it again and again... w/the same outcome. 5
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Okay, I can only say I Am crazy from a BW experience, but I can also write what Appears to be crazy from where I stand too... I think it's utterly INSANE that a WS who is head over heels for an AP Not use a DDay to Leave to be w/their hearts desire!! I'm thinking of MM right now (as from what I've read MW seem to have more backbone and are more apt to leave a "bad" M than men.) these MM come off as "strong, decisive protectors" they want the world to see them as large and in charge but they have about as much spine as a jellyfish when it comes to Infidelity. I read often that on DDay, they trash the OW, Lie More to their W and do whatever they can to cowardly save their own butts & ego. THEN, and this is the psycho part, they AGAIN reach out to the OW, crying, "poor me, I HAD to do it, I still want You..."!! Did they file for D? NO! Did they really come clean? NO!! To be able to do this is to BOTH women, is a form of craziness, a true psychological disorder that is beyond my comprehension.!.! Don't get me started on how crazy I think it is IF this does happen and the OW jumps back in AND the W (who actually Is vested & it would make at least a little more sense that she would try to salvage what they built) goes into it again and again... w/the same outcome. I think you are definitely on to something here. But, just as an example, my XOM wrote me letters during our affair and emails.(that's what initially got him in trouble). He was an incredibly good writer. But in one of the last letters he wrote (after I said I was going to step away from him), he was convincing me to stay and how we could make it all work. He said one of the things that comforted him the most was if it all blew up, we would walk through it together. Well, obviously THAT didn't happen. When we did talk later and I questioned what he meant by that, he said that what he meant by it was he was certain that his wife would throw him out, but the "plan" didn't work. She decided she wanted to reconcile and it basically threw a monkey wrench into his plan. It would have been far easier (and more cowardly on his part) for her to divorce him. He did not want to be the one to make that decision. So, yes - I think in most situations, women are much stronger and generally make that call. As one man told me recently, men are somewhat cowardly - they want things to get back to normal as soon as possible and will take the easy way out. Anyway, I just wish other women who are in an affair right now or contemplating one would look at the statistics and realize how rare it is a man actually DOES leave his wife for the AP. I am living with one right now! 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I think you are definitely on to something here. But, just as an example, my XOM wrote me letters during our affair and emails.(that's what initially got him in trouble). He was an incredibly good writer. But in one of the last letters he wrote (after I said I was going to step away from him), he was convincing me to stay and how we could make it all work. He said one of the things that comforted him the most was if it all blew up, we would walk through it together. Well, obviously THAT didn't happen. When we did talk later and I questioned what he meant by that, he said that what he meant by it was he was certain that his wife would throw him out, but the "plan" didn't work. She decided she wanted to reconcile and it basically threw a monkey wrench into his plan. It would have been far easier (and more cowardly on his part) for her to divorce him. He did not want to be the one to make that decision. So, yes - I think in most situations, women are much stronger and generally make that call. As one man told me recently, men are somewhat cowardly - they want things to get back to normal as soon as possible and will take the easy way out. Anyway, I just wish other women who are in an affair right now or contemplating one would look at the statistics and realize how rare it is a man actually DOES leave his wife for the AP. I am living with one right now! In fact, after discovery of his affair, he asked me many times in the year that follow "Do you still want to work on the marriage?" "Do you just want to end it?". I finally got to the point, I said "Don't ask me that again unless you truly want the answer". He hasn't asked the question since. He was wanting me to make the decision. In my case, for my husband his affair has been kept fairly quiet and he knows that if we were to split, it would come out and he doesn't want his parents to know, nor his office staff, etc. For him it's completely about reputation and pride. I know him very well. 1
Athens Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Yes, I saw that post as well and it's insecure women trying to convince themselves they were more than a pawn in some crazy game. When a man decides to make their marriage work, it's a long painful journey. It would be easier for them to go to the ow who would not need soothing a d compassion, but they choose their wives. That proves what love is and the rest is in then end an easy piece that is meaningless. 4
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 I don't think any path is easy. Both are full of hard work no matter what choice is made. And sorry for the double post - not sure how that happened. I was confused earlier as well because an entire thread disappeared from yesterday - one that I spent a great deal of time thinking about before responding and then "poof" - the whole thing was gone.
Author ComingInHot Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 lilmiss, Ya. There seems to a lot of "things disappearing" around here lately... It's CRAZY* 1
findingnemo Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 So reading through some responses of late, I've noticed some insinuated, "that's crazy" & "I'd never" comments w/regards to A's. Is it really that crazy as a BS, to "monitor" by whatever means available, the whereabouts of the WS? Is it more crazy as a WS to resign and comply to the demands of the BS when the A is "outed"? How more or less crazy is it that an OW/OM actually engage in an A w/a MM/MW in the first place? After going through having to deal w/a my H's A, I'd have to be honest and say I've learned I AM some kind of crazy. I'm a little crazy for allowing WH back for a second chance. I'm a but crazy for putting up w/how OW treated me after she outed the A. I'm sort of crazy for allowing my H to treat me SO bad during the A. Wrap it all up with a bow, and that a whole lot of crazy! What's your take on crazy but try to also be crazy nice of you can with such a topic* I can safely say I will never be an OW again. I've been there and it drove me crazy. It actually made me hate cheating - something I hadn't really thought about before. When I got M I began to understand the effects of an A on the BS and kids. I won't do that to anyone again. When it comes to taking back a WH, I did that. In fact, there was never a question of my xH going anywhere. I was prepared to keep the M intact regardless of how many times he cheated. The M, my home, my kids' stability, everything I'd invested in terms of time, effort, money and love were not going to be destroyed by some Jane-Come-Lately. I know if I do remarry, I would have a hard time getting a D over infidelity. But that's probably in part a cultural thing for me. 5
Author ComingInHot Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 findingnemo, you Are Awesome!! You show more strength not just in your past experiences but in your foritude and resolve to live an honest authentic life. I struggle everyday to stay faithful to my own resolve on things. There is no better leader sometimes than one who has experienced the past first hand and knows which turns and valleys to avoid. Thank you* 2
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