That's Crazy! I'd Never!

[Confused48]

What i am not fine with - is that my own moral code on cheating is weakened after so many arguments with wife. I sometimes think if I was out of town on business trip....and some nice looking gal - who did not care if I was married - offered it up no strings.... Ya thats real bat **** crazy and THAT bothers me - because I would have never even thought this - considered this - at all before this all happened. Crazy - I'd never, well now maybe I would....think about it.

 

I can see that would bother you. The opposite happened to me. While my WS was cheating and I did not know, WS was very cold cruel hurtful to me. I started thinking about stepping out. I had that option. I came very close to doing that. Makes me sick to think of it now.

 

Now that I see what hell my WS is going through, what hell I'm going though, I feel more affair proof, not less. No one is affair proof but I feel this trauma has made me more resistant.

[waterwoman]

Yeah I said that once.

 

But that's the whol point of this thread isnt it? Never say never! Saying what I said is no more absurd than saying 'I'd never take back a cheating spouse' or 'I'd never monitor his phone'. Life has a habit of chucking curve balls every now and then and we react as seems right at the time.

[ComingInHot]

Lady Grey,

Do you mind if I ask you. when you found out that exMM was in deed still M, I believe you made the decision to either re-engage or stay w/MM. Am I right?

If so, and looking back w/that twenty/twenty vision, do you wonder what you were thinking? Or did you feel you made that decision of "sound mind"?

 

This may be a hard question and I mean No disrespect. I was just wondering from another comment I read*

[Praying4Peace]

I would never take back a cheating spouse after multiple Ddays. And then justify it by saying...NOW he feels remorse...no, wait- NOW he feels remorse. Or do the 180 2-3 times. At that point, he would be in control of the relationship...any time he wanted to **** up, he just would have to beg harder the next time.

 

I read it all the time and just shake my head. It makes me very sad for the BS.

[ComingInHot]

Lady Grey, Thank You! I also apologized for getting the latter part wrong .I really appreciate you input.

 

So for sake of staying on the topic of infidelity. That IS crazy, Everything you went through*

 

Oh and I Like your shoe. lol

[dreamingoftigers]

I would never take back a cheating spouse after multiple Ddays. And then justify it by saying...NOW he feels remorse...no, wait- NOW he feels remorse. Or do the 180 2-3 times. At that point, he would be in control of the relationship...any time he wanted to **** up, he just would have to beg harder the next time.

 

I read it all the time and just shake my head. It makes me very sad for the BS.

 

So there seems to be a bit of a shift as of late to some kind of "BS snobbery."

 

I had multiple D-days.

 

I hate what my husband put me through.

 

However, I was trying to deal with: a business, an infant, medical issues and my own marital counselor blah blabbing about how it was all part of his sexual addiction and how I needed to be more understanding of "his struggle" and "not shaming him about it."

 

Firing her was one of the best decisions I made about the whole issue. It took awhile though because I was completely emotionally exhausted, cratered and abused. All while thinking I had nothing left to offer my baby daughter AND while trying to keep things stabilized until she at least reached the 18 month threshold so that her dopamine-serotonin regulating system didn't wire in an unfortunate way if her father went off the deep end and abandoned her. He eventually did go through bouts of that, luckily past that marker.

 

I don't regret staying in and providing as much stability as I could even though it broke and damaged pieces of me. I was abandoned in infancy to be cared for by my grandmother and I STRONGLY believe given my knowledge of brain-workings now that that is why I had so many issues with emotional regulation until I had EMDR therapy. Which was a miracle by the way.

 

When children don't get the chance to form lasting, stable attachments from 0-18 months, their regulation has difficulty forming. This predisposes them to addiction and suicide later on in life. I went through wicked, horrid suicidal-attempting bouts in my late teens/early twenties. I never wanted my girl to go through that kind of wrenching pain.

 

In retrospect, to the bigger picture, not much of a sacrifice.

 

After my daughter turned two, my husband had gone to treatment for his sexual addiction and we had one more Dday. I cut him loose.

 

He outright disappeared for two months and ended up living in the back of his car. Whatever.

 

Eventually he bottomed out. He started changing a lot of things and it was quite the metamorphosis. We are still technically separated.

 

Next month he is going for a polygraph to prove that he has been free of his sexual addiction activities. He has done a lot to be the father that he had tried to be but couldn't be when he was in active addiction. He's a much better husband too. We have goals together etc. We will be married seven years on May 28th.

 

So why, exactly, should I toss out the decent version of my husband because he was a trainwreck before? Why should I look at him and say: "you know how you really Effed me over multiple times? Well, yeah, the last 1.5 years don't count anymore because people on LS say I should put the Kaibosh on my family for having had multiple D-days." ?

 

Also in the news: cutting one's nose off to spite one's face declared modern miracle of cosmetic surgery!

[Confused48]

He only ever slapped me once in five years on D day which was really horrendous and he won't do it twice. But some BS let their spouse cheat twice

 

What? He's still cheating on you every night, every day, every moment you are not next to him, with his wife and you think you got one up on the BS? Seriously? I must not be reading your post right.

[ComingInHot]

dreaming,

It is So not my intention to be a BW snob. I just know I am not as strong as you and what you have been through in your stitch.

I actually felt the same way as you when I decided to R. Why should someone else get the wonderful version of my H after I went through all the horrible stuff w/him and Now he wants to change...

For me, if H, after all of this, I just don't think I can go through another DDay.

[dreamingoftigers]

dreaming,

It is So not my intention to be a BW snob. I just know I am not as strong as you and what you have been through in your stitch.

I actually felt the same way as you when I decided to R. Why should someone else get the wonderful version of my H after I went through all the horrible stuff w/him and Now he wants to change...

For me, if H, after all of this, I just don't think I can go through another DDay.

 

I wasn't singling you out.

And it really isn't just you.

 

It comes when the posts start rolling in saying:

 

If you do X it must mean that you are Y.

 

To say, for instance, that I must have "no respect for myself" isn't accurate or reflective of me.

 

The eve this damn thing broke I had an exit strategy. I would do all that I could to preserve my family for my coming daughter and no further. It turned out that there was a helluva lot I COULD do in the face of adversity but I never ONCE caved in on taking responsibility for his cheating. A LOT do. I REFUSED. I REFUSED to negotiate my standard for my marriage. I was not going to agree to an open marriage or one where pornography took center stage. I didn't sign up for that. I wasn't going to have that be the rest of my life because someone whom I married felt entitled to it.

 

So it caused him to bury, lie and otherwise be a fat pain in the arse. It also caused him to be thrown out flat on his butt. And rightfully so.

 

My values were that divorce was an absolute last resort (and an easier way out) and I clung to that despite ridiculous adversity and insane odds. I had a long-term viewpoint on it and I don't regret it one bit. In fact, I respect myself for it.

[Journee]

The only thing I really find crazy is when people say they KNOW they would never have an affair. Thinking you aren't suceptible because "you would never" is actually pretty crazy, when if you ask almost everyone that HAS had an affair (not serial cheaters because I think after the first one they know they are capable) they will tell you that they never thought that they could either. Personally I think thinking you are bulletproof leaves you vulnerable. You don't have to admit to anyone else that if the right set of circumstances occured that it could happen, but you should realize yourself.... that even if you can't FATHOM what could make you do it... that you just might.

 

Aboard that same train of thought, posters often say they would never forgive someone for cheating on them. I never understood that. I guess everyone thinks/hopes/believes/prays that their situation is the exception and not the rule.

 

What is the difference really?

[ComingInHot]

Is it SO Crzy to think, no, to Know that if you acknowledge you (general you) are capable of doing Anything, to set those boundaries and live by them?

 

To say I'd Never after going through what I have, is Not far fetched and Crazy to Know that I will in fact live what I say. I have free will and am capable of making "tough" decisions.

 

Remember the "just say No" ads?! I feel our society has become complacent, and people don't think like that, anymore.

That is crazy!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Is it SO Crzy to think, no, to Know that if you acknowledge you (general you) are capable of doing Anything, to set those boundaries and live by them?

 

To say I'd Never after going through what I have, is Not far fetched and Crazy to Know that I will in fact live what I say. I have free will and am capable of making "tough" decisions.

 

Remember the "just say No" ads?! I feel our society has become complacent, and people don't think like that, anymore.

That is crazy!!

 

I actually live by a philosophy that "you never know what you'll never do."

 

There are a few reasons for this:

 

1. I am doing things in my life I never thought I would do, like being a parent. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant.

 

2. When I was a fair bit younger I held very negative judgments about "bums/hobos" etc. Anyone who didn't work their asses off to make a living. I would NEVER do that. I would NEVER EVER beg. Even if it killed me.

 

When I was 22, I disappeared for a bit, I was depressed, I had been hospitalized, I thought I would work my way to Vancouver and back. The work didn't materialize and I was in Kamloops. There a bum asked me for some change. I gave him a dollar. We got to talking. He found out that I was on my last $20 and was going to have to leave my hostel. He invited me to come sit with him by the bars and that I didn't have to ask anyone for change but that he'd give me half of what he made. I thought it was just funny. Like, yeah, I'm going to take $5 out of $10 from a homeless guy. But I was curious and he was friendly.

 

I sat down with him. We talked. He had spent the last dozen or so years straight-up homeless with only a smattering of jobs and homes over that time period. He had lived in every major city in Canada at one point or another. He traveled and hitchhiked a lot. He was an alcoholic. He didn't think he could stop. I told him my story about being jilted six weeks before my wedding was supposed to take place.

 

That night, we made $80 each! We talked in the park until 5 a.m.

 

That was how I met my husband. And that was how I got to finally see something other than a work myself to death for nothing existence. It was addictive. I did it. And honestly, with the context of my life that I had at the time, I don't regret it. But I'm glad to have left it behind as well.

 

3. I have seen people go from relative mental health to mental illness. That is a game-changer to how people act. Big time. And I can't guarantee that I wouldn't go bonkers at some point.

 

4. POWs in Vietnam were eventually cracked by the Viet Cong. One quote I recall that particularly touched my heart was when a POW veteran said "We all learned that we weren't as strong as we thought we were, everything the filled the gap between was forgiveness."

 

I was so worn down, worn down, worn down repeatedly in my marriage that I can honestly understand how SOME people can step outside of theirs just to feel alive to someone else. Truly, the only thing that stopped me during the last brutal separation was knowing the results of that action due to Loveshack and the countless stories on here. I did not want to be that thread-starter. My head was a mess, my emotions were a mess and I had nothing but my place, my dog and my car. NOTHING. Bozo the Clown could've knocked on my door and seemed appealing in a way no other clown could be at that point. And I am ANTI-affair. But I GET IT. I GET HOW IT HAPPENS. I GET WHY. And I know that I may not ALWAYS be immune under the CRAZIEST circumstances. BUT I know the consequences inside and out. I experienced them.

 

So because of everything above, I will not call myself "affair-proof." I can honestly say that I am committed to not having an affair. I am committed to that value and have historically been as well. So in all honesty, I am super-highly affair-resistant.

[jnel921]

Since this is my second M and my H knew the first M ended due to infidelity that it could have been a deal-breaker. Then he himself 10 years later cheated and in the end I stayed and decided to reconcile. Am I crazy? No.

 

I believe I have grown. I realize what is important and what is not. I assessed the situation and determines if staying or going was in the best interest of my family and myself.

 

My H convinced me that he wanted us regardless of the selfish act. He has shown and proved to me since D-Day that he wants me to fall in love again with him. We are rebuilding the trust.

 

The only crazy I want to be, is crazy in love with my H. We are working towards that. With gods help we will get there.

[ComingInHot]

Woa there LFH,

I believe that there are people who say I'd never cheat then go on to, well Never cheat. Are they capable of it? Sure. But they have made the choice, set the boundaries and abide by that.

Do they live in Ivory Towers? If they can afford it... But because they are better and perfect? Of course not perfect, they just make a vow and set things in place and live the way they vowed.

I'm lost on your angst here.?

 

I know I wouldn't cheat just assuredly that I know I wouldn't lie on my taxes or molest a minor.

These things are important to me and make up who I am to myself and others.

It must sound Crazy to some, but People count on me even people I don't know, to treat them well.

In turn, I am treating myself well.

(did this from phone sorry if many mistakes)*

[dreamingoftigers]

I personally think that there are moments (fewer as we get older AND have balanced brains, both conditions met) that we are susceptible and under extreme duress.

 

1. If I were to be kidnapped much like that woman in Columbia, and separated from my family for an excessively long time, 5+ years. Perhaps there would be another individual that we would have scraped for survival together over a significant length of time and it would lead to a relationship of sorts in an otherwise isolating situation. Wrong? Yes. But somewhat understandable. How would one not have at least a technical EA in that situation? Extreme, yeah of course. I am not saying it just to be hyperbolic. I am actually saying situations of extreme distress.

 

2. Stockholm Syndrome: yes it could happen as well. Again situation of extreme distress.

 

3. War, concentration camp, prison, deserted island etc etc. all after a significant length of time in which one is worn down. Again an extreme technicality, but that is MY POINT.

 

4. I have not had a complicated death in my family. I honestly DO NOT know exactly how I will react when my father dies for instance. I might not give a crap about anything, especially whatever pain I might put my already-multiple-D-day Husband through. I might go right solidly off the deep end. I might feel my mortality rushing toward me and try to find the easy route toward sex and affection that I have been already starved of for far too long. I've been making mental plans to prepare for a death like that but I honestly don't know what to expect. I don't even know what to expect when my dog dies. I know I'll be crushed.

 

5. Anything that isolates and severely impairs judgment as well as causes distress COULD BE a kick-off to an affair where we EACH COULD VERY LIKELY have a breaking point.

 

People do extremely brilliant and extremely stupid things during extreme situations. Things they wouldn't do everyday.

 

I would like to *think* that I am immune. I know that I have been extraordinarily strong in my history. But that doesn't mean that there is a hard and fast rule that I will ALWAYS be.

 

Am I going to run away with the Pool Boy tomorrow afternoon? No. I don't have a pool () but even if I did I still wouldn't. Or my "boss" or my "secretary" or "that hot guy over there" or what have you.

 

I don't go looking. I don't passively wait. It isn't on my mind or something hoped for. In fact, it's a fear that I have. A relatively minor one at that considering the opportunities I have shunned away and the EXTREME level of pain that my husband's cheating and abandonment have caused me. I would not under regular circumstances or even serious pressure cause anything like that. I don't feel I could do that level of harm and justify or be okay with it. I think I would really, really skewer myself. Forever, in fact. BUT I HAVE SEEN MY BREAKING points before.

 

I KNOW that there are breaking points. I went into hospital when I was younger. I broke. I was suicidal. I know what it's like to have a traumatized or unbalanced brain. In an extreme circumstance, I could do anything to temporarily halt the pain. But now, having survived so much already I KNOW that my breaking point would have to be very extreme. And frankly, I don't want to see it, ever. Or see what I would do because of it.

[dreamingoftigers]

it sounds like you know yourself really well, and that's a really wonderful thing...you know who you are and you have a good head on your shoulders...you know yourself better than anyone else can know you,and you are saying how you feel about yourself...

 

which is the same as what I did...I just don't get why it is so hard for some people ( not you, BTW) to understand that....

 

I also know that as you get older and go through a breaking point, and move past it and heal from it that you can withstand it the next time (mostly).

 

So I see certain points where I figure I would break if unprepared. But really I have no clue, because I haven't been there, nor have most of us in the Western World.

[ladydesigner]

dreamingoftigers thanks for pointing out earlier some of the many reasons we stay after multiple DDay's.

 

There are a few things that I know:

 

I love my WH

I love my children and they love their father

We share a 17 year history

 

and more importantly:

 

My WH wants to help himself and help repair the damage caused by his infidelity.

 

I have a lot of respect for myself as do a lot of people who know me. I have been through a lot in my life and I have practically raised our kids as a single parent and have a powerful career. I have respect for my WH in that he wants to repair the M.

 

I do not think it is anybody's business as to why someone would want to reconcile after multiple DDays, nor do I think that is a reflection of respect for someone. If we want to get into the whole respect thing, isn't the OW causing a lot of disrespect to herself and to the MM's marriage by having an A with him? Or the OW that keeps taking a MM back after broken NC, same thing.

 

I am more concerned about the respect that I have for myself more than anything.

[ComingInHot]

I'adore,

Be nice now. I can understand why you'd be defensive from a response you received. Honestly though, I think the poster was to the way in which you wrote "free agents" cause, well, you are both (?) Still married.

I believe that by law and in your spouses eyes and the eyes of your children, extended family and acquaintances, that means, technically, you wouldn't be "free agents".

If I am missing something, please set me straight*

Hopefully you know I'm being sincere here.

 

With that said, and if I'm correct, can you see how Most would think, "that's crazy"?

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh good. Then I expect to never see them compared again in terms of how evil I or other OW/OM are.

 

Cause.. that'd be crazy and yet it's done all the time.

In my instance it was simply to showcase that that everyone is capable of doing things they didn't think they were. Like you said you might to save your child. So... my point was made.

Obviously I"m not "bleeping" (how "charming" by the way that you went with bleeping) him to save a childs life, but I reached my breaking point and crossed my own lines.I"m not PROUD of that.

It really doesn't matter to me if you ever cross the line. I've said hundreds of times that I hope people don't.

I guess it shouldn't matter to me if people realize it can happen or not.

I'd have put everything I owned on the line 7 years ago and told you I'd have crawled under a moving bus before I slept with a married man...and yet here I am.

I've been tempted, and had offers and been in many situations before, and never crossed a line.

Until I did.

I actually thought that maybe someone would take what I was saying to mean something but apparently it's more than some of you are capable of thinking.

 

I've never claimed to be perfect... I've made so many mistakes, but at least I know myself and I'm not ashamed or scared to look at and face that.

Dreaming of Tigers, I'm glad you said what you did. That was all I ever meant. I hope someone listens to your words and yours help them.

 

I think if my 17 year old self would've seen what was ahead of me, she might've just called it quits.

 

But my 30 year old self knows that what something looks like on the outside may not be the same as what it feels like or gives you on the inside.

 

My 17 year old self never would have seen or believed:

 

1. I would not have at least a Bachelor's Degree by now.

2. I have a child.

3. With a man who cheated on me.

4. That was have had some incidents of domestic violence between us (Two times I caught him being *ahem* inappropriate, the one time I bit him, the other time (a month later) he bit me. We're petty like that.)

5. That we each would have broken a laptop in rage (I smacked mine against a table, two weeks later he threw his across the room. Again, we're petty like that.)

6. That I would've married a homeless man (like what was my first clue, really?)

7. That he would have a great deal many redeeming qualities despite the above and actually come through for us.

8. That he would be a great Dad.

9. That I would've owned four dogs between then and now. (I didn't much like them before).

10. That I once stole a set of silverware from a restaurant on Salt Spring Island. Simply because I refused to eat the takeout seafood I got with my fingers and they didn't have plastic cutlery. And I couldn't eat inside because I was a stinky traveling bum.

11. That I would be a stinky traveling bum. Ever.

12. That I would love it. And then promptly leave it behind to have a "real life" and because I was sick of not contributing.

13. That I would end up owning a cleaning business (I didn't even KNOW how to clean until my 20s).

14. That I would end up in a hospital.

15. Even that my father WAS actually an alcoholic and that my mother had been trying to say he wasn't all that time because she was in blatant denial.

16. That my father was a cheater even though that was as blatant as the alcoholism.

17. That I would eventually get the grades to be in the top 1% of my school. But that it would happen at 30.

18. That I would ever figure out that damn Photosynthesis/Cellular respiration ATP-generating cycle. DON'T ASK

19. That I would ever even consider getting something like an iPhone.

20. That I would still be fat. Very fat. Arg.

21. That I became a Christian, then a Jehovah's Witness and then a Mormon!

(One guy from high school said, "you were so anti-religious that I thought you would catch on fire if you got too close to a church." )

22. That I would STILL have a cursing problem.

23. That my child would be taken from me (and returned!)

24. That I would still be renting!

25. That I would have been to 36 states, 10 provinces, 2 territories and St. Pierre & Miquelon.

26. That I would get married in the Fairmont Banff Spring Hotel.

 

That I could still be happy even though I have spent so many years lost.

 

I can't say for any certainty what my 40 or 50 year-old self will be up to. I know that I am still learning and trying to do my best by others and myself.

I know there are certain core beliefs and traits but that there is a huge world out there with stimuli I haven't interacted with a processed yet.

 

I can't say with 110% certainty what I would do under any given circumstance because I haven't experienced it.

 

I do know however that each time I have said "I would NEVER xyz" it has come back to squarely bite me in the ass. So I think my odds are BETTER not taking a path I don't want to go down by treating it as a possibility that I could and how to deal with that instead of assuming, "I didn't do it before, so I wouldn't do it now. I never, ever, ever would."

 

If I think that I am capable of doing something that otherwise doesn't jive with my values, I can more objectively evaluate any pre-event actions. i won't be as likely to tell myself, "oh it's okay if he calls me late and I tell him the occasional secret about my marriage. We are friends after all." "It's okay if we go over there alone, it's not like I am ever going to cheat on my husband. I don't believe in cheating."

 

If I look at it and say to myself: "Yo. Hey. This is a bad idea and could, in theory, leave you vulnerable or at the very least look bad to Husband, just don't do it. Not worth the risk. Or put in safeguards or something, something."

 

If I tell myself I can do whatever because I have XYZ values..... I am more likely to give myself the freedom to get closer to exactly what I am trying to avoid. I don't drink. AT ALL. Not just because I became a Mormon, but because I don't like ANYTHING that messes with my judgment. Even the stupid anti-depressant that I want to throw in the garbage. I don't even like Advils or Midol. Brains are so important and so sensitive to chemical change. We really should try to keep them as pristine as possible day to day. (Anyhow that's the aspiring Neuroscientist in me).

 

Playing with denial or loose boundaries is much the same. It messes with your judgment and leaves you in a vulnerable spot. As well, I have learned that at times, we DO get overwhelmed by our emotions. Some of us, depending on our neural function and history, get COMPLETELY FLOODED by them. I can't say for certain how powerful those feelings can and will get in the future. I was shocked by the intensity the infidelity brought out in me. I think everyone who hasn't been through it generally is.

 

I also remember though, not too long after saying I would NEVER cheat. I don't see myself doing it. I am convicted and dedicated not to. But I don't presume to be able to see my whole future laid out before me either. Neurologically, physically, environmentally or emotionally.

 

If there's only one thing I have learned in 30 years (almost 31, shuddup) it's that I know very little about most things.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sigh, why does anyone let me alone with a laptop for the afternoon?

 

Another Thesis-paper post. Sorry everyone. I get pretty wordy.

[ComingInHot]

LHF wrote, "but I reached my breaking point. I'm Not PROUD of that" Then wrote, " I'm not ashamed or scared to look at and face that."

 

Oh LHF, I think w/so many of your statements like above, I can't help but read this struggle or conflict or this Something that you deal w/often.

 

You have some great insight I think, because of that. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to Not have a R w/this MM? Wonder what it would be like to enjoy a gentleman WITH your friend & family AND his friends & family?

 

I Know you may not (ever) want or care about that, but "call me CRAZY" I Really want that FOR You!

Please don't be mad at me for writing this*

[dreamingoftigers]

LHF wrote, "but I reached my breaking point. I'm Not PROUD of that" Then wrote, " I'm not ashamed or scared to look at and face that."

 

Oh LHF, I think w/so many of your statements like above, I can't help but read this struggle or conflict or this Something that you deal w/often.

 

You have some great insight I think, because of that. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to Not have a R w/this MM? Wonder what it would be like to enjoy a gentleman WITH your friend & family AND his friends & family?

 

I Know you may not (ever) want or care about that, but "call me CRAZY" I Really want that FOR You!

Please don't be mad at me for writing this*

 

LFH is aware of what marriage etc. is like.

She's actually been through quite an ordeal.

 

LFH, I am curious, if it's okay publicly to ask, do you think that your history plays a major role in why you are comfortable (relatively speaking) to be part of an A now?

 

Like the loss might not be as major? If it were to happen.

[ComingInHot]

bringontherain, ((hugs))*

That tore me up. I understand that anguish. I hope your posts touches everyone who reads it*

[dreamingoftigers]

I never thought about the question as sleeping with someone else's husband.

Hmm.

 

I honestly don't think I could do that ever, ever.

I can't think of the circumstance that would produce it either.

That would make me feel pretty sick.

 

I really only thought of the context of cheating on my own husband.

Whereas it's repugnant enough, he did give me multiple d-days. Although I've got to be honest, I don't think he'd do very well at all with it. I sure wouldn't want to see him in that much pain. We've already been through so much.

 

 

I would NEVER be in an affair. I will never be wesk or susceptible. Believe it or not, but I will NEVER do that. Affairs are a choice, and I refuse to ever make a choice for an affair.

 

You see, knowing the pain firsthand, I would never wish to inflict that on anyone else.

 

I struggle to stay alive at times because the pain is so all encompassing.

 

I'll be damned if I would be the cause of an innocent woman wanting to roll in a ball and just die because of some stupid selfish choice of screwing her husband. No Way.

 

Not going to happen. Never.

 

I would rather gouge my eyes out than to cause someone the agony that I live with every day.

[seren]

I can and am saying with absolute crtainty that I will never knowingly have a relationship with anyone who is already in one. This is mostly because of my personal beliefs in right and wrong and absolutely because of the value I place on myself. I don't share and couldn't share the person I love, certainly not the person I sleep with. I have had the chance to step outside my own values many times, bith when single and if I wanted to, when in relationships and married, it just wouldn't work for me. It would be crazy for me to put myself through all that.

 

It all comes down to what a person can live with and some obviously can live with their actions, that's for them to own. I don't hold truck with some who 'blame' life events on their decision to have an A, yet I have reconciled with someone whose A was a symptom of PTSD, so while I can empathise I know it isn't something I would do myself, I have had some pretty dire life experiences and don't use them to blame piss poor behaviour.

 

I can also say with absolute conviction that I would never give H another chance if he had another A, not dispariging those who do, it just wouldn't work for me. One person's crazy is another person's OK. As long as people are making informed choices about their lives then they can tell themselves that what they are doing is OK, my problem when it comes to A's is that at least one person is being denied that choice, my version of crazy is someone even thinking that is OK. I'm all for a level playing field, lying to someone to have them believe they are living one type of life to enable the WS to have another is wrong and I couldn't enable that. To do so wouldn't work for me.