How do I break up with someone of 8 years for GOOD?

[prettycutesoul]

Hi everyone, I wrote in a couple of posts.

 

I am really sad but I need to breakup with my ex for good. I did breakup with him a few days ago but he didn't think it was real and truthfully I wasn't ready either. We talked yesterday and today but I am still so unhappy. I am unhappy because for 8 years I have gotten NOTHING out of this person.

 

I didn't get gifts, I didn't get his time, everything was on his terms, I ask to come over/see him he rejects me, but when he wants to see me it's ok. Nothing was on my terms, nothing I asked for he ever gave not even to have dinner, it was always his way. This is my most tragic month and he wasn't even there for me ONCE. Not ONCE was he there for me.

 

I put his needs before mine, all the time. But he has put me last on the list of priorities he has. My heart has been stabbed a million times over with this man. I want to get out but 8 years with him it's tough I do love him but I understand I am getting NOTHING out of him. Not even a bright future.

 

His excuses pile up and at the end of the day I feel and see that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. But he keeps me around by saying he loves me, I don't think he does. I think he's keeping me around cause he knows I am loyal, I will never cheat, never hurt him, will always obey him... He's keeping me because he knows I am the only person in this world who cares about him and who can deal with his crap.

 

I want to get out but how do I tell him? What do I say? He thinks I am joking everytime I do it, and truthfully my heart hurts telling him we are over cause I am unhappy but at the same time my heart hurts being with him too.

 

Help.

[na49]

Is it his fault you are not getting what you want out of the relationship.

 

Or is it your fault for not being clear with what you want and setting boundaries? He can't give you what you want, if he has no idea. The only reason he walks all over you is because he feels it's okay. and you give him no reason to believe it isn't. For 8 years now you haven't? How did you last 8 years? Holy crap. I was 10 years old when you started your relationship with this guy.

 

It sounds like you aren't sure if you really want to break up with him. and after 8 years with someone, I could understand why. How old are you? You obviously have trouble being assertive. I have trouble with this too. I've never dumped someone, so idk how you tell him exactly where he knows you aren't kidding but I'd say be clear and honest with him about how you're feeling.

[prettycutesoul]

Is it his fault you are not getting what you want out of the relationship.

 

Or is it your fault for not being clear with what you want and setting boundaries? The only reason he walks all over you is because he feels it's okay. and you give him no reason to believe it isn't. For 8 years now you haven't? How did you last 8 years? Holy crap. I was 10 years old when you started your relationship with this guy.

 

You doing all of this crap for him, and expecting him to do it in return isn't how a relationship works. A relationship is give and take. You do something for him, he does something for you. It's not a trade off where I do something nice for you today and you do something nice for me tomorrow.

 

It sounds like you aren't sure if you really want to break up with him. and after 8 years with someone, I could understand why. How old are you? You obviously have trouble being assertive. I have trouble with this too. I've never dumped someone, so idk how you tell him exactly where he knows you aren't kidding but I'd say be clear and honest with him about how you're feeling.

 

 

I have been VERY assertive half of our daily fights are because he isn't treating me like a normal bf should, he's treating me like a toy he can pickup whenever he wants. He says he;s always going to change and because I love him I believe him. I believe every words he says but another year goes by and another year. I have talked to him about over and over again and over and over again he feeds me lies of saying it will get better and I believe him.

 

Problem is I do things for him, he never does anything for me. Ever. He hasn't spent a DIME on me. Not even a piece of chocolate. He doesnt give me his time... his time is golden and he only spends time with me when HE wants to. When I want to, he rejects it.

 

Every year and evryday we have this fight and he tells me its ok. And I enjoy his company but thats only once a week if even. But when he wants to see me days on end I am there for him. Always there for him when he needs me, but he's never there for me when I need him (like when I lost my job or my friend passed). He just leave me alone. He's only there when it's GOOD. But not there when it's bad...

 

But I have been comfortable with that for 8 years until now. It's been tough cause I envy other loving relationships like my sister, her bf adores her. My parents and HIS parents have a loving relationship, not like mine. I felt so empty for 8 years...

[Mcnulty]

So why are you still with him? Fear?

 

If you don't do it now, when you are this unhappy you're posting in a forum, when will you do it? When you are more unhappy?

 

Why let yourself slide, you may fall into depression/anxiety over this. You're not happy with him and you know it.

 

Grab your invisible man balls and man up, walk, he's treat you like **** and you've let him, hence your disdain and low self esteem that is coming across in your post.

 

One life, many choices. You should only seek validation from yourself, not him or others.

[Sweetnothing]

Sounds like you're just afraid to be alone but 8 years is too long to be putting up with that crap. My ex treated me the exact same way. It was awful but I was addicted to him and when I tried breaking up with him he knew exactly how to play on my emotions to make me come back to him.

 

I was with him for 2 years and I knew right from the start he would never be anything but selfish but I stayed with him because even though he was such a jerk, I felt like he was all I had.

 

It took about 6 months of therapy and I just recently started taking antidepressants and before I knew it I felt like I was stable enough on my own to dump him so I did and I haven't contacted him since.

 

Sounds like you have a lot of personal issues to work out.

[aisuru]

Do you want to spend another 8 years feeling like this?

 

That's what you need to answer for yourself.

 

You deserve a better relationship that works for you. Doesn't make this relationship a complete failure or either of you bad people.

 

This relationship might work for him, but it does not work for you.

 

Do not let fear keep you in this relationship.

[aisuru]

For 8 years now you haven't? How did you last 8 years? Holy crap. I was 10 years old when you started your relationship with this guy.

 

 

Holy crap, I never would have pegged you for 18 years old. You appear to have a good head on your shoulders young man.

[prettycutesoul]

So why are you still with him? Fear?

 

If you don't do it now, when you are this unhappy you're posting in a forum, when will you do it? When you are more unhappy?

 

Why let yourself slide, you may fall into depression/anxiety over this. You're not happy with him and you know it.

 

Grab your invisible man balls and man up, walk, he's treat you like **** and you've let him, hence your disdain and low self esteem that is coming across in your post.

 

One life, many choices. You should only seek validation from yourself, not him or others.

 

Yes I think I am still with him cause that is all I know. I have already fallen into depression/anxiety over this, I am on anti depressants and therapy and I am just so used to this but my brain and insides have deteriorated over the past years. I mean it would be fine if i was actually OK with all of this intrinsically but i'm not. But like you said its fear of being alone for once in 8 years. Met him in college so from college to my 20's (26 now turning 27 soon) this is all I know.

 

It has built up until now my hurt, anger... disdain. I am trying my best to get out of it. Im really trying build my courage to get out of this. It's really not easy. I'm scared to say it's OVER. FOR GOOD. But i can't do another 8 years of this.. i can't do another week of this.

 

 

Sounds like you're just afraid to be alone but 8 years is too long to be putting up with that crap. My ex treated me the exact same way. It was awful but I was addicted to him and when I tried breaking up with him he knew exactly how to play on my emotions to make me come back to him.

 

I was with him for 2 years and I knew right from the start he would never be anything but selfish but I stayed with him because even though he was such a jerk, I felt like he was all I had.

 

It took about 6 months of therapy and I just recently started taking antidepressants and before I knew it I felt like I was stable enough on my own to dump him so I did and I haven't contacted him since.

 

Sounds like you have a lot of personal issues to work out.

 

I am in therapy for a year now and still building up the courage i seriously have deteriorated in every aspects with this guy. My friends deteriorated my well being, my emotions. Still trying to get out of this hole because like you said - he was all I had. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I feel like if i break up with him. I have no one to talk to, the guy i shared my life with (no matter how small) will be gone.

 

Whenever i breakup with him or try to reason this guy knows EXACTLY what to do to get me back or what to say he plays on my emotions, and it's been very difficult to get away. If only he broke up with me.

 

I have never broken up with anyone so this is a first and its so hard for me. If he broke up with me it'll probably be easier to get away.

[prettycutesoul]

Do you want to spend another 8 years feeling like this?

 

That's what you need to answer for yourself.

 

You deserve a better relationship that works for you. Doesn't make this relationship a complete failure or either of you bad people.

 

This relationship might work for him, but it does not work for you.

 

Do not let fear keep you in this relationship.

 

Hi pearls of wisdom of mine.

 

I don't want to spend anymore... i can't do another week of this. 8 more years will KILL me. I really am deteriorating in terms of my well being or myself as a whole. I wake up depressed.

 

I deserve better i tell him that everyday and he keeps saying "Oh so you think im a bad bf? You think im a bad guy" and then I feel bad. This guy is evil when it comes to my emotions.

 

I really am scared. this is all ive known for 8 years i really am VERY scared to be quite honest. I don't have anyone that can carry me through this hard times.

Edited May 17, 2013 by prettycutesoul

[aisuru]

Hi pearls of wisdom of mine.

 

HA!

 

I don't have anyone that can carry me through this hard times.

 

You have yourself. That's all you need.

 

Do you live with this guy? If so, you need to figure out your living situation. Time for you to get away from him so you can get some much needed breathing room. That doesn't mean you have to breakup today. It just takes you one step closer to a better life.

 

I can tell you're aware this is no longer healthy for you. Now you need to gather the strength and courage to get out of this toxic relationship. Then you'll slowly start to figure out how to heal yourself, one day at a time.

 

Baby steps. Write down the first few things you need to do to remove yourself from this situation. One day at a time.

 

You can do this.

[McDonald]

Holy crap, I never would have pegged you for 18 years old. You appear to have a good head on your shoulders young man.

 

Na has grown big time within 7 months. It's the wisdom that comes after breakups.

 

I've learned more about myself because of this breakup than anything else in my life

[KatZee]

Ugh. Your bf or ex, or whatever he is right now, sounds exactly like MY ex. I spent "only" three years with him though.

 

Honestly, I get how easy it is to become stuck with a person like this. It happened to me. Everything you said here, was exactly how my ex treated me and despite how unhappy I was, I still stayed. I wanted to leave a few times and he always roped me back in with "talks" and how he was going to "change."

 

My heart too, was stabbed over and over by my ex and I still stayed. He came first and it is one of the biggest regrets I have.

 

In the end, despite how he treated me, HE was the one who broke up with me. I was hateful at first, but I look back now and I think... you know what, him dumping me was the greatest gift he ever gave me, because I never would have done it. And I would have been you, more years into a relationship in which I received nothing.

 

He's had enough time to prove to you what kind of person he is. This relationship isn't good for you, you know this. All you have to do is pull the trigger. It's going to be really difficult, and you're going to have moments where you're going to wonder if it was the right move. You need to be firm, and you need to tell him it's over for good.

 

If it helps, tell him you can't be in contact with him right now because you need to move on.

[Leigh 87]

8 years with a guy like this is a very long time. I am so glad to hear your in therapy!

 

You are talking total sense! You want out, but are scared and uncertain about how to go about it.

 

You see other girls who have boyfriends who adore them; you CAN find a man who is crazy about you too!

 

You are scared to end this way of life; 8 years is a very long time, it will be hard to say goodbye to the life you have with him.

 

Read the no contact guide that Tara Maiden has up...

 

You need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel and tell him it is FINAL - that you are not willing to listen to his excuses.

 

After 8 years, this is how he will always be.

 

I am sure you have a lot about yourself to love, and you will be SO HAPPY one day, if you find a man who also loves those things about you too!

 

Sure, life is not a fairy tale, where guys buy you a new present every week and get your diamonds..

 

But man.. if a guy is a decent person and he adores you, he will do a hell of a lot more than this you is doing! Which is uhh.. NOTHING:mad:

 

You deserve SO Much better!

 

If this guy does not totally love and adore you and the way you are, enough to show you how he feels; find a man who does, and do not give in to this guys begging and pleading if he asks you to stay.

[happydate]

Hi everyone, I wrote in a couple of posts.

 

I am really sad but I need to breakup with my ex for good. I did breakup with him a few days ago but he didn't think it was real and truthfully I wasn't ready either. We talked yesterday and today but I am still so unhappy. I am unhappy because for 8 years I have gotten NOTHING out of this person.

 

I didn't get gifts, I didn't get his time, everything was on his terms, I ask to come over/see him he rejects me, but when he wants to see me it's ok. Nothing was on my terms, nothing I asked for he ever gave not even to have dinner, it was always his way. This is my most tragic month and he wasn't even there for me ONCE. Not ONCE was he there for me.

 

I put his needs before mine, all the time. But he has put me last on the list of priorities he has. My heart has been stabbed a million times over with this man. I want to get out but 8 years with him it's tough I do love him but I understand I am getting NOTHING out of him. Not even a bright future.

 

His excuses pile up and at the end of the day I feel and see that he doesn't love me as much as I love him. But he keeps me around by saying he loves me, I don't think he does. I think he's keeping me around cause he knows I am loyal, I will never cheat, never hurt him, will always obey him... He's keeping me because he knows I am the only person in this world who cares about him and who can deal with his crap.

 

I want to get out but how do I tell him? What do I say? He thinks I am joking everytime I do it, and truthfully my heart hurts telling him we are over cause I am unhappy but at the same time my heart hurts being with him too.

 

Help.

 

You are pretty bright and strong enough to do this. You are still young and have a very bright future ahead of you. He's not the only man on this earth; there are plenty. With your unconditional love towards this man for 8 years, save the energy and apply to the right man that loves you and stays loyal to you.

 

I know you are getting therapy and that is good. 8 years is a long commitment so your heart is hurt because of this. Drop Mr. Broken and move on. He was your first soulmate because he was the one that pushed your buttons. His contract with you is done. You can move on.

 

It might seem like no other man will ever like you nor can love you more than he did. But there are plenty and you will be meeting them when your heart is healed.

 

BUT. Be very cautious in your healing because 8 years is a long time. Do not go in relapses by engaging in casual relationship and sex, cause they will not heal your heart. You do not want to end up 20 years later in your late 40s still thinking about him, still being controlled and teased by him like "Are you married yet" is a common knee jerker by these jerks taunting you for abandoning him many years prior. Then both of you will play this game of you date guys and he dates girls and you sleep with these guys to taunt him and he sleeps with girls to taunt you, all in a pawn game to satisfy both selfish self-centered desires like some people do these days; hurting other people in the process.

 

Do not become his mental slave as these men are good at manipulating you. Mr. Broken knows no compassion nor forgiveness cause he's own mantra is being self-centered and selfish. But inside of him is pain and hurt that has been repressed for so long. So your ex is also suffering. He's just too proud and have too much ego to accept your help. Help that he should have asked you like "Show me how to love you?!?" would be a simple question to ask? One day this boy will become a man and ask for help. You don't need to be there for him. He's fine by himself.

 

Edited May 18, 2013 by happydate

[burningashes]

You need to leave him by just walking away.

 

I was in the same situation as you were, being in a 8 year relationship with my ex. Except that my ex had left me, and I waited around for a couple of years, being his FWB, hoping for so long for him to come back. It was terrible, I was at around the same age you are now, and I cheated on the men I tried to date with the ex- I was still tangled up with him even as I tried to move on.

 

I had zero self esteem, and when I think about it now, I want to kick myself for doing what I did. I ended it when I realized that I was still no where with him ten years later, I was outta there! Please don't give this guy any more of your time, you deserve more and you have done more than enough to be clear with him what you want from him.

 

He's not giving it to you because you're there anyway! A man would move heaven and hell to be with you if he really wants to be with you. When I told my ex to hit the road, he did a 180 and did everything he could to get me to come back. It was too late though, because I was utterly broken and really did not want anything to do with him anymore. His words were now meaningless, he was only saying it to get me to come back, not that he really loved me anyway, right?

 

I have become much more older and wiser now, I am happy to report I'm doing pretty well being a busy single gal. You can do this if you know you don't want to be with him because he doesn't love you the way you want to be. You need to be with a man who makes you feel loved, and he's not that man.

[prettycutesoul]

Thanks everyone, what you all said really hit home. It really sucks and I haven't spoken to him for a week now. But it sucks more staying with someone who doesn't appreciate me. I mean for 8 years I should deserve more.

 

Thank you so much everyone your words have been helpful thank you so much!