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Breaking up is hard to do, but I did IT! Now I'm feeling..........

Barby

By Barby
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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:( Well I finally did it, I broke up with my BF for good (no matter how much beggin he does). I don't know if anyone is familiar with my story but I'll make this as short as possible.

 

I had been with my now ex BF (oscar) for almost 2 years. No matter how faithful I was he was just way too jealous. I didn't leave my house (basically) without him, I ended my friendship with a long time friend (female) because he was jealous of that. I don't go places with my friends and family (even though they include him) because he becomes jealous. EVERY day he accuses me of cheating (I HAVE NEVER cheated on him). He is with me constantly so he isn't a hypocrite about the friend or going out thing but I've had enough.

 

But when we have good times, they were wonderful but the bad is the WORST! After him seeking therapy then eventually not going due to lack of money...he started to change but of course (just like we all know) he went back to being the same. I started really evaluating the relationship and where I felt it would be in the future and came to the conclusion that I just can't do it anymore!!

 

Yesterday he started his shi* about nothing in particular so finally I had enough and I told him so. He says "so if you don't like it lets split" so I said OKAY!! I explained to him how I didn't want him calling, coming by, ect like he does whenever we break up.

 

We split up for good, I gave him all his possesions he had here (meds, clothes, ect)

and took him home. I get so tired of fighting every single day and I know I don't deserve what he was putting me through. So I ended it. I'm done for good...

 

Now my problem is I'm feeling sad and weak, it's been 24 hours and I want to call him. I was feeling okay thinking he had gone to Alabama with his uncle but then a family member mentioned that they saw him, he was home (so he didn't leave) which made my stomach jump and made me want to pick up the phone.

 

No matter what's happened I love him (i'm only human) but I won't go back...I guess what I'm looking for is some re-assurance I did the right thing or any comments will be appreciated thanks!

gobain Established Member

gobain

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You DID do the right thing. Never doubt that.

 

That said, I know it's hard. No matter how bad the relationship was, love itself is always hard to lose. There is some measure of security in even the worst of relationships and it's okay to feel weak and sorry sometimes. It may take awhile to get past it, but BE STRONG.

 

It sounds as though you gave it every effort. I don't believe that there is anything else you could have done. You have to take care of yourself and your own sanity.

 

Hang in there.

Merin Established Member

Merin

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I'm so sorry Barby....

 

Yes, of course you did the right thing. If he isn't making you happy, and he can't or won't change... then you need to do what is best for you.

 

2 Years is awhile to have invested into the relationship, and I'm very certain this is so hard on you... it's odd isn't it how you can know in your head that you've done the right thing... but your heart whispers, are you sure....

 

Please know, that I know this rollercoaster ride you've been on all to well.... as my boyfriend is a lot like this often... the questions, the accusations.... and through it all I have loved him to a fault. I soooo understand what you're going through, and what you're feeling right now.

 

I love my boyfriend very very much... but there are times when my head and heart tell me conflicting things.

 

Here for ya if you need to vent;)

 

You did the right thing.

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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Thanks!

 

2 Years is awhile to have invested into the relationship, and I'm very certain this is so hard on you... it's odd isn't it how you can know in your head that you've done the right thing... but your heart whispers, are you sure....

 

OMG that's so how I'm feeling. I KNOW without a doubt that I can't do this whole "drama" thing anymore and the thought that he was gone to another state was making it SOOOOOOOOO much easier but since he didn't in fact go a part of me fears he will break down and contact me. I know I won't contact him because I know I did the right thing and as dumb as this sounds I'm afraid that if indeed he did contact me I would be afraid I wasn't strong enough to say "NO leave me alone"

 

I don't know why it has to be so hard yet I know it will be. I love him so much, and as mentioned above, it's a comfort thing to an extent...I've grown used to him and being with him on a daily basis. That was easier than trying to stay strong enough than being away from him. I know in my heart of heart he isn't the one for me because if he was then he'd change and make things better instead of me having to all the work to makes things good.

 

There are so many things i could ramble on and on about but I won't. thanks for responding and I have to do whatever I can to avoid falling back into the old routine again! :(

Merin Established Member

Merin

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Originally posted by Barby

Thanks!

 

 

 

OMG that's so how I'm feeling. I KNOW without a doubt that I can't do this whole "drama" thing anymore and the thought that he was gone to another state was making it SOOOOOOOOO much easier but since he didn't in fact go a part of me fears he will break down and contact me. I know I won't contact him because I know I did the right thing and as dumb as this sounds I'm afraid that if indeed he did contact me I would be afraid I wasn't strong enough to say "NO leave me alone"

 

I don't know why it has to be so hard yet I know it will be. I love him so much, and as mentioned above, it's a comfort thing to an extent...I've grown used to him and being with him on a daily basis. That was easier than trying to stay strong enough than being away from him. I know in my heart of heart he isn't the one for me because if he was then he'd change and make things better instead of me having to all the work to makes things good.

 

There are so many things i could ramble on and on about but I won't. thanks for responding and I have to do whatever I can to avoid falling back into the old routine again! :(

 

I so know what you're saying, I do...

 

It isn't dumb to say you feel afraid that he will contact you (because we both know he will) and that is exactly the fear that is driving you now... and I understand.

 

You are not a weak person Barby.... You are someone who has given 110% and loved with all your heart... that takes strength especially in a troubled relationship sometimes...

 

Regardless of what choices you make Barby... don't beat yourself up here... keep the faith girl.

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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Again thank you very much...you're so right........since it's been 24 hrs I'm holding out hope he won't contact me but fear he will. I PRAY to God that he doesn't contact me, that will make things a whole lot easier on me. Pray for me ya'll that he never calls or comes by my house again! ;)

 

 

I know with passage of time it'll be easier and no matter how I'm feeling now I HAVE to be strong! He's not the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with, he would bring me down all the time and no one deserves that, maybe he'll find someone who he won't treat so bad and likewise whenever I get back in the dating mix (which won't be for awhile) I will be more selective, first sign of jealousy and I'm done! :p

Merin Established Member

Merin

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Good girl!

 

You're stronger than you know;)

 

I also know what you're saying about making it easier (damn it just never goes that way does it? DOH!) :laugh:

 

You DO deserve the NO drama zone....

 

Regardless of whom else he ever meets... he won't change, I can gaurantee it....

 

HOWEVER

 

YOU CAN change who you choose to date or get involved with when you're ready... and he will appreciate you for all you are and what you offer... MINUS the drama!

 

*Doing the don't call Barby dance for ya* LOL

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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*Doing the don't call Barby dance for ya* LOL

 

hahaha thank you! I hope it's working.. :p;)

 

I will probably be on here venting tomorrow...I know with the help of my family, my own strength, and being able to come here for support that I'll get through this and stick to it this time. It's about ME and I have to keep remembering that, it's been about HIM for way too long and now I'm gonna take care of me... :bunny:

Merin Established Member

Merin

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Originally posted by Barby

hahaha thank you! I hope it's working.. :p;)

 

I will probably be on here venting tomorrow...I know with the help of my family, my own strength, and being able to come here for support that I'll get through this and stick to it this time. It's about ME and I have to keep remembering that, it's been about HIM for way too long and now I'm gonna take care of me... :bunny:

 

Vent vent vent! :bunny:

 

Ya know what... if it help's then do it!

 

Love yourself Barby;)

lydiamarie Established Member

lydiamarie

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2 years is just a drop in the bucket. you've lived so much longer than that already, and you'll be with someone 2 dozen times that before you die (when you find the right one). so no worries!

 

it always sucks when you break up with someone. but you have to remember that if you didn't let yourself be vulnerable, you wouldn't have a chance at love. and love is worth taking a risk.

 

that being said, sometimes relationships are s***. but it's really easy to let the good moments cover up the bad. sometimes you don't forget the bad things so you think that it adds up in your favor, you think that because you remember all the crap he put you through that you can't possibly be stuck in an abusive (or just crap) relationship. you think you are really waying both sides. you think you are making a conscious decision. it's so easy to let a smile, a hug, a laugh, or a good lay outweigh all the horrible pain you suffer.

 

but you are worth more than that. you deserve more than that.

 

when you grieve for this relationship, remember the relationship as it really was. don't grieve for the man he could have (should have) been. grieve for what you really had, what you really lost.

 

lots of hugs, and i'm glad you're finally out of this relationship (I had been, and am, praying for you)

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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I am doing a little better this morning...thankfully still no contact and as long as it stays that way it'll get easier. (and God forbid if he does call I'll have to shut off the ringer) :)

 

It's like an addiction I'm taking it one day at a time. I know there wasn't very many good points lately to out-weigh the bad ones...it all has been adding up and there is no way to deny the fact that I was falling out of love with him. I was in love with the image of the man he was trying to be and convincing me he was instead of opening my eyes wide enough to see how he really was being when he acted like a jerk.

 

I know things could never go back to being how they were when things were good because he's not the person I thought (hoped) he would be. He's tamed his violence but NOT his jealousy and when he's mad he is really heartless....again I could go on and on but what made me realize there's no way I could spend the rest of my life with him is when he made a few comments

 

[color=blue]I'm going in for a procedure in a few months (nothing major but scary) he asked me what was wrong...I told him I was scared because what if I didn't "wake up" from going under. [/color]

 

[color=red]His comment: (If you don't you'll deserve it you should die on the table). :confused::eek: WTF [/color]

 

I've never done anything to make him say that! EVER! If he wished death on me for nothing I can only imagine what he'd think/do if I really piss him off.

 

[color=blue]Also I told him about the beheading video (not details just basically that it was horrid and rattled me pretty bad). [/color]

 

[color=red]His comments: He deserved it he's american and in THEIR country, they need to come over here and do that to you! :eek::confused: Again WTF??![/color]

 

All this was said within a couple days and though it may seem petty to some it is something that worried me and really made me take a step back. How can someone tell me they love me (which he did several times a day) then say such horrid things and we weren't fighting during the times he said this.

 

 

So basically I've just (though I should have before) decided to cut ties for good and not no matter what fall back into the same "routine" which is basically all it's become. I appreciate your prayers and am glad you'll continue to pray for me as well. I will do whatever it takes to avoid him and move on. Even if I have to stalk love shack for days on end! hahaha! :cool:[color=red][/color]

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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Forgot to add....I know some you can say "I told you so" and I wish now I would have listened. Honestly everyone must make the mistakes on their own but I know that other people's input should seriously be considered....thanks for those of you who tried to help me before but at least now I learned and am moving on...I confess I wish I would have listened awhile ago. :(

Merin Established Member

Merin

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"I told you so's" are pointless...

 

Thing that is important now... is that you're okay;)

lydiamarie Established Member

lydiamarie

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that's pretty frightening, maybe you should take out a restraining order?

savethedrama4allama

savethedrama4allama

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Barby, if we listened every time someone told us that our relationship was bad and broke it off, there would be no relationships anymore. Every relationship has its problems. You just had to decide for yourself that you had enough. I'm proud of you and you won't hear "I told you so" from me.

 

What really caught my attention from your first post on this thread was when you said

 

We split up for good, I gave him all his possesions he had here (meds, clothes, ect) and took him home.

 

Now I'm not sure what the situation is, maybe his car is in the shop or you happened to be the driver that day, but it sounds like he may have been dependent on you...and a lot of times that is when jealousy sets in. Because in the back of their mind they know that you are bringing more to the table than they are, and their insecurities flare up and YOU get punished for it.

 

You can find, will find, and deserve to find someone who trusts and respects you.

tiki Established Member

tiki

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Barby, this will be a hard road...but rest assured you are doing the right thing. From what you've said, it's pretty obvious that this guy is NOT right in the head. G'luck and congrats for making the right step.

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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that's pretty frightening, maybe you should take out a restraining order?

 

As long as he doesn't contact me I won't get the police involved but if he does then I wouldn't hesitate to call the police and see what can be done. :)

 

What really caught my attention from your first post on this thread was when you said

 

We split up for good, I gave him all his possesions he had here (meds, clothes, ect) and took him home.

 

He didn't drive that day because he got off work early, I was out so I went to pick him up. BUT yes he is very dependent on me, I did everything for him (Not financially) but cooking, packing his lunch for work, when we would go wash clothes (him & I) I would do it. There are too many things to list here but yes he got used to depending on me then when I point out that he should help me a little more (nothing major) but help none the less he would say "I'm not a woman, you are and you're gonna do it" no matter what it was, he was good at "men's" things but that's all he would do.

 

He's "old fashioned" in that way actually who am I kidding he was a jerk plain and simple...

 

thanks Tiki :)

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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Originally posted by Merin2

"I told you so's" are pointless...

 

Thing that is important now... is that you're okay;)

 

 

Very true I'm sure no one is ready to jump and say "i told you so" but i mean some of the posters did tell me he'd go back to being the way he was and there's no way I wanted to believe it, I've always been one to see the good in the people and i wanted this to be no different.

 

I also know someone can't change things that they don't see they are doing wrong. To him everything he did to me was my fault. Where that logic comes from I don't know but it's "his" way of thinking.... :confused:

Merin Established Member

Merin

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Originally posted by Barby

Very true I'm sure no one is ready to jump and say "i told you so" but i mean some of the posters did tell me he'd go back to being the way he was and there's no way I wanted to believe it, I've always been one to see the good in the people and i wanted this to be no different.

 

I also know someone can't change things that they don't see they are doing wrong. To him everything he did to me was my fault. Where that logic comes from I don't know but it's "his" way of thinking.... :confused:

 

Exactly... this is HIS thinking regardless of how WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG it is!

 

I'm sure in HIS mind he justifies everything he does or says as being RIGHT.

 

Of course you don't want to believe that someone you care about is an a**hole... even when you know in your head that the only person you're really lying to is yourself.... it is still a hard pill to swallow.

 

Keep it in your mind... that this is HIS problem, not yours.

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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Again thanks Merlin...I've been reminding myself non-stop about how right I am and that I have to live for ME not him...

 

I'm so used to taking care of other people that I don't always take care of myself...it gets hard to remember no matter how hard it seems I know it's all for my own good.

Merin Established Member

Merin

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Originally posted by Barby

Again thanks Merlin...I've been reminding myself non-stop about how right I am and that I have to live for ME not him...

 

I'm so used to taking care of other people that I don't always take care of myself...it gets hard to remember no matter how hard it seems I know it's all for my own good.

 

You're more than welcome:)

 

You know what's so nice about telling yourself that you did the right thing here?

 

That you don't have to sit and TRY and justify your reasons, because they are ALL VALID.

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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Yes and hearing it on here (even if only 2 people responded) :confused: is still good to hear I'm not being "petty" or immature about this, that he is in the wrong so I can be pretty much guilt free at least know I did nothing wrong and i deserve better. :)

tiki Established Member

tiki

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BUMP

 

This girl is finally did what a lot of people have been on the fence about. If you're in a sh*tty relationship, you have freakin choice! Yay for Barby, maybe you'll start a new fad. You don't have to stay in that dead end relationship!

 

Barby4prez2004

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Barby Established Member

Barby

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*hugs* thanks soooo much for the vote for barby post!! hahahha!

 

 

It really does come down to choice and this time I'm chosing to stay away and I wish everyone who's having a similar dilema or just wants to end suffering and end a relationship when they're not happy would just DO it.

 

I wish I could start a trend....women take over, stand up and say "respect me as$hole or leave me the h*ll alone!!!" Then stick with it! :p:mad::mad:

 

 

I'm feeling great now though as well all who've been through this know it comes and goes...I know I'll be okay we all will and the support from the LS :bunny::bunny: homies :bunny::bunny: really helps one get through if you choose to let it!

Merin Established Member

Merin

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Originally posted by Barby

*hugs* thanks soooo much for the vote for barby post!! hahahha!

 

 

It really does come down to choice and this time I'm chosing to stay away and I wish everyone who's having a similar dilema or just wants to end suffering and end a relationship when they're not happy would just DO it.

 

I wish I could start a trend....women take over, stand up and say "respect me as$hole or leave me the h*ll alone!!!" Then stick with it! :p:mad::mad:

 

 

I'm feeling great now though as well all who've been through this know it comes and goes...I know I'll be okay we all will and the support from the LS :bunny::bunny: homies :bunny::bunny: really helps one get through if you choose to let it!

 

Hey Girl!

 

How ya doing there tonite? Keeping your faith?

 

You know, my best girlfriend is in therapy (and I'm not kidding) because of a a**hole guy jerking her around in thier relationship... tonite was her first session and I just got off the phone with her....

 

Sadly enough... the place she was in with her bf is a lot like where I am in mine now, and where you were Barby... I asked her what the therapist said about this... the control these guys seem to take... and I know I'm not a weak girl or stupid... my girl isn't weak or stupid... and I know you're not either Barby....

 

He said that the only way to ever feel okay again and be able to heal is to TAKE AWAY the control... just like you said Barby.... "Respect me a**hole, or leave me the he** alone"

 

It is in making the bad behaviour acceptable that we put ourselves in a position to be hurt.

 

That isn't okay!

 

So, thinking about ya Barby... and hope you're feeling strong!

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