Ponders Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Like most people posting on this site, I am writing today to get some emotional baggage lifted from my chest. I have always found writing my feelings to be of great assistance to releasing negative emotions, but it's not something I utilize enough... so here goes my story... I have been in an intimate relationship with my upstairs neighbor for the past 7 months. We live in a triple-decker house that has three units; each one occupying a separate floor. I live on the second floor with two roommates while she lives on the third floor (the floor directly above mine) with one other girl. Although we live in close proximity, I didn't actually meet her until three months after moving into the apartment. When we finally met, at a small get together my roommates and I were hosting in our unit, we immediately hit it off and it was apparent the attraction we had for one another was very strong. As thanksgiving rolled around, we were both preparing to head home to spend the holiday with our families and as it turns out, she grew up just a few towns away from where I did, so I offered her a ride and we made the 2 hour journey back home together. During the holiday, we texted back and forth a fair amount and eventually landed on the subject of intimacy, with me being the initiator as I was confident she was intrigued by me. She suggested we take it slow based on the dynamics of our living situation and because she would hate for things to go sour and turn into an uncomfortable mess. I agreed and figured we'd spend some more time hanging out and evaluating the situation before diving in. Well... the first night being back in the city, we had sex. It was as if we could not resist each other. The connection was so strong that it felt completely natural and the excitement of it all was intoxicating. She is super hot and fashionable with similar interests to mine so I was thoroughly pleased that a beautiful girl that lived merely 15 feet away fell into my lap. We immediately opened the lines of communication in regards to our expectations from one another as the potential for confusion and misunderstanding we're high given our close living proximity. She informed me that she was a few months removed from a 4 year relationship and that she expected to get back together with this guy once she graduated from college (1.5 years time) and that she could see herself marrying him. I told her I was not emotionally available for a monogamous relationship either, so we agreed to keep it casual. Although we were not exclusive, neither one of us was going out on dates or pursuing relationships with other people so for the most part there was an underlying sense of commitment towards one another as neither one of us had tested the boundaries yet. About a month and a half later, she had her ex-boyfriend over one night without informing me and the next day she remorsefully called me while I was at work to let me know what had happened and that they had sex. She was regretful that it happened because it brought back the pain from their break up (her being the dumper) and she felt like she was disrespecting me by being with him again since we had been spending so much time together. (Side-Note, she has not seen her ex since this occurrence). Along with effectively communicating our expectations and the compassion and forthrightness she showed in this situation I did not feel any pain, jealousy or negativity in regards to this matter. If anything, she became more committed and more interested in me following this because it made her realize why she had broken up with him in the first place and from there she gained a whole new appreciation for me. As the winter days rolled along we continued spending most nights together watching movies, listening to music, smoking weed and having sex. We essentially became very good friends with an extreme lust towards one another; practically turning into nymphos. If she was going to be out late, she would often tell me to leave my door unlocked and would wake me from my sleep with a kiss, blow job or even sex. It was nice having that person to sleep next to and if stayed in her her bed, the next morning I would only have to walk downstairs to be back home. If we didn't spend the night together I would always wake up to text a message from her with a picture of herself or a good morning. She always initiated this contact and it was really comforting. I can hear her footsteps so I know when she's home- and as creepy as it sounds, I can tell the difference between her footsteps and those of her roommate. I can also smell her perfume in the entry way to the building (there are only 5 of us who are entering and exiting it) so I can always feel her presence and am constantly reminded of her. A major foundation of our relationship that we discussed often was the fact that we both knew we would not be together long term and that this would eventually come to an end. Since we openly talked about our expectations, we both expected not to feel hurt if anything to were to change or we started seeing other people. Of course this was silly because our feelings for one another were only going to grow. It was a constant battle trying to stop myself from giving her my all because I was afraid of being hurt at the end and I thought I could just push all my feelings out the window. There have been two occasions where I have told her I can't carry on playing the fence like we had been doing for so long and that we should spend less time together. Each time, we would go a few days without talking then she would contact me via text and we would eventually slip back into our old habits of spending most nights together. Our inability to fully commit to one another was the eventual wedge that would drive us apart and although she knew I felt strongly about her and I would often tell her how much I cared for her, I still remained rather emotionally distant as a defense mechanism in case she did in fact drop me for her ex-boyfriend. I was scared to give her my all as she told me from the get-go that she would be getting back with her ex, but now after 7 months of being with me, she has no plans of getting back with him at all which she told me first hand. She said I made her see the world differently and that she now knows with certainty that he is not right for her as he wasn't helping her grow as a person and that I have helped her grow so much. I went away to visit family last week and had full intentions of telling her I wanted to break things off for good once I returned, but I chickened out and didn't go through with it because a big part of me is afraid to let go of her. I feel as if my demeanor towards her has changed lately and that she can sense it, thus putting our relationship in that weird stage of awkwardness right before two people are about to break up. Our sex life has been lackluster lately, I feel like I don't have much interest in what she's doing and there are a number of quirks about her that I've grown to be very annoyed by. I can also sense that she is acting differently and coincidentally enough, She texted me earlier today saying she wants to get together later tonight to discuss a few matters. Judging by this, things have come to a head and we are going to have the break up conversation. Although I know with 100% certainty that she is not the one for me, my mind is having a hard time coming to terms with losing her because I am afraid of being alone and losing that comfort that came along with our relationship. I also feel insecure thinking about her being with other guys. She is an incredibly attractive girl who works in a large office full of young, talented males who have been trying to court her. She has told me a few of them asked her out on dates, but she has not gone and I'm sure the only thing holding her back is me. How can I prepare myself to see/ hear her coming home with other men as I am afraid I'm going to be miserable with high levels of anxiety when this happens. Overall, I think a lot of positives will come about with this separation like having some actually space and being able to explore new women as I have definitely been holding myself back while I've been with her. I need to grow as a person and it's not going to happen being with her. Any comments or suggestions on how to handle this matter would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Leeway Harris Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Hmm... how do you know with 100% certainty that she's not "the one for you"? I think the idea that there's a ONE for everybody out there somewhere does a lot of damage to pretty decent relationships. If you're just too young, and not done running around yet, then that's valid. You don't want to resent her for holding you back from experimenting/exploring other women. But it sounds like you really do care about her. Can you maybe just take a little break? Maybe you need the chance to "miss" each other. Living in the same building, you probably don't get that chance very often. Good luck, in any case.
Author Ponders Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 -Leeway, thanks for the input. You're correct on several fronts. I guess I cannot say for certain that she is not "the one" because after all, I have had such strong feelings and still do towards her. She has mentioned several times that she doesn't want to hold me back from experiencing other women, so I could have the best of both worlds, but it doesn't feel right. I would prefer to be all or nothing with her. One of my biggest fears is forming that resentment over time that would be brought about by feeling like I was missing out on a world full of women. We haven't had much space from each other during the course of our relationship since it's natural to see hit the other person up if your bored or lonely. Some space good do me really well. I'm just going to have to get used to the change in dynamics of my hoousehold. I will no longer have that comfort of knowing there is a person on the other side of the way available to spend time with me when I'm lonely. Starting to think I have some emotional problems that need to be worked on that I have been burying my whole life as well. A break could do me well.
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