jim14 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Hi, I broke up with my ex a month ago (and it has been such such a hard month). I ended it and all I have done since we broke up is pine for her, I don't understand it I thought it was what I wanted but can't stop thinking about her. Anyway.. when I ended it she was in a flood of tears, inconsolable and was desperate to hang on to me for a couple of days anyway. She said all the right things and I had my doubts about ending it, but I got the impression she was saying it to hold on to me. About four days later something changed she became hard and said some really hurtful things (completely understandable). She then revealed she was seeing someone else and was happy and that I was basically a bastard. So we emailed a few times during that week - we had to because of living arrangements. She would flip between missing me to hating me then the following week it was one way traffic - stop hassling me - move on etc. I now feel angry at myself and maybe regret ending it..has she moved on? Or is it a facade to hurt me? She is quite a flirty person and mentioned that I did her a favour by ending it but I can't tell if she is trying to hurt me or has genuinely moved on. She also has a new number which is not a good sign. It literally took her days to get over me and we have been in a year long relationship. I don't understand it, judging by the state she was in when we broke up. So it's been two weeks of no contact and I sent her a letter four days ago, maybe I shouldn't have but it was very controlled, not soppy and I did not say I missed her-I just wanted to apologise. No response. This is starting to feel like she has moved on, maybe I just want some kind of hope that this is a rebound and she is hiding her true feelings towards me out of pride. Should I continue with no contact? I miss her terribly and am finding it very difficult to move on. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.
ladyhawk553594 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 What a tough situation...I feel for you! In my opinion it sounds like she was embarrassed by her initial reaction to you breaking up with her. Us women are taught that we should be strong and not let a man see how much they mean to us. Obviously more times than not, we can't help it. I think she's probably doing this to strengthen and empower herself. I can almost guarantee that this "relationship" she's in are just a number of hookups or rebounds to help her get over you. You've done the mature thing and I think it's now her turn to show some maturity. As hard as it's going to be, don't reach out to her and let her come to you. If things are meant to be and you want to work things out, then you've already done your part. Good luck! 1
Author jim14 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Hi,.. Thank you for the women's perspective! I think she is trying to be strong and get her dignity back but it is really hard trying to understand what she is thinking. We keep seeing each other on Skype over the past few days and it has been so tempting to message her but I know I need to leave it alone. But what if she is too stubborn? Should I leave it a few weeks then speak to her?
TaraMaiden Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 If you read my No Contact thread, you will see that really, any contact entailing a reconciliation, should be made by the dumper. The No Contact thread/guide, is written specifically for the dumpee - in this case, that would be her. So she is making all the right moves. She is doing NC as it should be done. Furthermore, contact from you, in any way shape or form, is simply (what is known as) breadcrumbs. Even the letter of apology really told her nothing, except that you're sorry. Big deal, so is she. Now what? The only message you should send her - should you be that way inclined - that should means something to her, is a full 180. "I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I was a complete fool to end it, and I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?" That's all you should ever communicate to her, if you sincerely feel you made a mistake. Otherwise, you need to respect the way she is trying to heal herself - and let her go. One way or the other, Bro. No in-between. 1
Author jim14 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 So do you think it would be too soon to send that kind of response - like now? Is it better to wait a while, let the dust settle then maybe get in touch with her again?
OwlSoul Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 She then revealed she was seeing someone else and was happy and that I was basically a bastard Highly doubt she is seeing someone else. Most likely she was saying it to jurt you. I've read a couple of topics on this forum where dumpees lied to their exes that they were seeing someone else.
TaraMaiden Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 So do you think it would be too soon to send that kind of response - like now? Is it better to wait a while, let the dust settle then maybe get in touch with her again? I would wait a couple of months - go complete No Contact. There will be enough water under the bridge by then. But I doubt it will work. NC is for the dumpee. And NC is to heal and move on. You can try if you want to, but I really think you're on a hiding to nothing.... 1
Author jim14 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 So the question is how do I win her back?
TaraMaiden Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 You don't. She's changed her number, for a start, which as you rightly said "is not a good sign" But it's a good a sign as you'll ever need to look at the situation in the cold grey light of day - and start accepting that this one is sailing, and you have no ticket, cabin or boarding pass.... if she should ever get in touch with you again, then maybe you could take tentative steps. But until then..... I think you're on a hiding to nothing. As I said.
Author jim14 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Thanks for your responses. So are you saying there is not much else I can do unless she gets in touch with me? I just feel like I did not tell her I missed her because I did not want to sound wet, does that make sense? I was deliberatly ambigious in the letter I wrote to try and create some kind of mystique, and get her to miss me. Should I now just be honest? Maybe it is too late.
RobShady Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Is it possible that you don't want to accept that she's moving on? Maybe you enjoyed the fact that she was trying to get you back, and now that it's gone, you're questioning whether you threw away something good? If you want her back, you should fight for her, but don't go too crazy, and be prepared to see her in a new relationship. If you prepare for the worst then nothing can hurt you. If you two are meant to be together, it will happen.. Good luck you you sir..
Author jim14 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I just know I miss her like crazy and all I want to do is hold her right now (yeah I know that is wet!) and I think deep down she misses me, but I know I have hurt her.
TaraMaiden Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I just know I miss her like crazy and all I want to do is hold her right now (yeah I know that is wet!) and I think deep down she misses me, but I know I have hurt her. It's of little comfort to you now, but the desperation you clearly feel - everyone has felt. But everyone. It's a natural phase. You want your situation to be different. You want this situation to be repairable, and you want things to go your way. I'm sorry. It's natural to think this way - but sadly, as with so many others, it's pie in the sky, wishful thinking. Of course you miss her. But Acceptance is what you should be aiming for..... And it will take time. But that's what you have to give it. 1
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