LDR, abortion, then shut out!

[Sarcherie]

I have just come out of a long distance relationsihp lasting since last summer. She was working in my country, and we met only a week before she was due to go back to her “home” country due to family commitments. We had two amazing dates during that week, and shared the most intimate kiss either of us had ever experienced. We stayed in very close contact when she went “home”, often messaging each other 10-15 a day and talking 2-3 times a week. After about 6 months, we were hopelessly in love and knew we were meant to be together. She wanted me to promise we’d be living together by Xmas which was the easiest promise I have ever made.

Just over three months ago, I travelled to her country for a weekend to see her for the first time since that first week, and it was amazing. We were as physically and emotionally close as two human beings could be and, when the weekend came to an end, we were both tearful knowing that it may be some time before we saw each other again. Neither of us had felt such an emotional bond before.

 

Our communications resumed immediately... messaging, calling, skype... and everything was fantastic. About a month after our weekend together, I had a phone call and she said she had just found out she was pregnant. I spent a while calming her down and we talked about what to do before mutually deciding that, although we were madly and deeply in love, it was just not the right time for us to have a baby. Neither of us put any pressure on the other in the decision, and we calmly arranged for her to have an abortion. I offered to immediately fly to her country to be with her throughout, but she said she was ok to arrange it herself (once she had confided with her mum which she did so). Over the next 2-3 weeks, communications were great again, although I know she was in a great deal of physical pain and I also became worried about her as she was starting to emotionally withdraw from me. I kept telling her that I was there if she needed to talk, and that I was only a flight away, but she insisted that she was fine.

 

Then, one day, she stopped replying to my messages and calls. I was so worried about her withdrawing believing it to be depression, so I continued messaging her every day, just to see if she was ok and to remind her that I was there for her. Over the next 2-3 weeks, I had only 3 messages from her, the last of which simply said “I miss you xxx”. After a further 3 weeks, she disappeared from my Skype contacts, so I sent her a message saying that it appeared that our relationship was over and that I would like to remain in contact as friends if she feels able to either now or in the future. She responded in less than an hour with two Emails, both had no words in them. The first one attached 21 photos of herself, which were taken at a recent family function, and the second Email had a youtube link to a song about love and regret.

 

We have been NC for about a month now, and I miss her terribly. I know she is the one, and I still believe that she is in love with me too, but I can’t get my head around why things had to end. I know she tends to bottle things up when she is stressed about something, and I believe she may have just wanted space to deal with her emotions in her own way since the abortion. She knows that I intend to move regardless, as I had already formalised my plans to move to her country, in a few months time. I really want to try contacting her, but at the same time I don’t want to push her away by not giving her the space I think she still might need. Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do? Should I try contacting her, or should I leave things be in the hope she might contact me when she’s ready? I am scared that she’ll never contact me.

[pteromom]

Sounds like the song "Brick".

 

Abortion can be very emotionally painful. And it's a pain that someone has to go through alone. Because you are forever connected to that choice, you are forever connected to the emotions that accompany it.

 

I would contact her. I would lay it all out there - how you feel about her; how you are here to support her; how you understand that she may be hurting, but she doesn't have to hurt alone.

 

I do not know if she will be able to let you back in, but the answer will definitely be NO if you do not try.

[Sarcherie]

Thanks for your advice, pteromom.

 

I messaged her a couple of days ago, but she hasn't replied. Perhaps she just isn't ready to communicate with me yet.

 

I suppose the best I can do is just message her infrequently, every couple of weeks or so, just to let her know that I am still here for her. It breaks my heart to think that we might not make it, but I know it'll happen if it's meant to be...

[aisuru]

Of course you're shut out! Sorry my friend, but abortion brings a whole other level of complexity to relationships that many probably don't survive.

 

Have you done any reading about the feelings and emotions some women feel after abortion? Have you read about how to support her?

 

Unfortunately, abortion is a very complex life experience that each woman experiences differently. I had one almost 18 months ago. It was the. worst. experience. of my life. Not the actual surgery. It was the emotional agony that consumed me for the next 9ish months.

 

I literally hated myself for months. Cried multiple times a day. If I wasn't at work, you would find me lying on my couch in the dark, sleeping off and on to real life murder myster shows. My emotions were all over the place and the lingering pregnancy hormones did not help. I lost myself.

 

While you may think you made a mutual decision for the greater good (so did my guy), she may resent you, resent herself, resent that she was pregnant, resent that she had to choose, and be dealing with profound feelings of grief and loss.

 

There is no way for you to know and unfortunately, you don't get the right to know. Sounds like she doesn't want to speak with you right now.

 

Honestly? She may never want to see of speak with you again. Or she may be okay seeing you once she has processed what happened and the related feelings.

 

My only advice to you is to be sure you never ever find yourself or a woman you love (or even don't love) in this situation again.

 

You need to let her go. Sorry dude.

[Sarcherie]

Hi aisuru

 

First of all, I'm so sorry that you went through such a similar experience as her, but really appreciate your angle as to this difficult situation. I have indeed been reading about womens feelings and emotions after abortion, and can't even begin to understand the emotional rollercoaster.

 

I have also read about how to support her, but obviously can't provide her with any support unless she lets me in.

 

At the moment, I can only guess as to exactly how she feels, and you're absolutely right that I don't have the right to know until/unless she is able to talk. I know that she has to deal with the emotional distress in her own time, and there is no way for me to know how long it will take for her to process everything.

 

To be honest, I am still so angry with myself for letting this situation happen and for it to hurt the woman I love so much. We were both so careful, but were unlucky enough to experience failed contraception. I know that my own feelings are probably only a fraction of what she is going through, so I realise that she may never forgive me for my part in putting her in that terrible position.

 

Although my head says to let her go, my heart won't let me even begin to think of moving on. As long as there is any possibility of getting back in touch with her emotional side in the future, the way I feel right now is that I am willing to wait. I know it could be weeks, months or even years. She is that special to me.

[Sarcherie]

Update - last week, she sent me an Email simply saying "You're ok?" I replied about an hour later by saying that everything's great, and asked her how she was also. She then sent me a further Email the following day saying that she's glad I'm ok, and that she "panicked" at the time of the abortion/break-up.

 

I then sent her an Email expressing my apologies in case I didn't give her enough space immediately after the abortion because I was worried about her, but said that breaking-up was probably the right thing to do at the time.

 

I've not heard back from her yet, and don't think it's right to be pushy at this early stage of renewed contact. I'm convinced she still cares about me and perhaps regrets the way things turned out. Is this a fair interpretation?

Edited June 7, 2013 by Sarcherie