How will I find someone like that again?

[Tinyrain]

How are you supposed to trust someone new ever again after an unexplainable breakup? How do you know they won't just change their mind on you one day for no reason at all and tell you they fell out of love? I don't think I could go through the pain and heartbreak ever again. I feel like no one takes a relationship seriously and they don't understand that it takes work. And how I will find someone like my ex again, someone that will actually stick around? Someone with the same religion and culture as me? And that makes me feel the same way he did. I feel like its impossible.

 

It makes me sad when I see my friends that have been dating the same person for years. (I know I'm awful and should be happy for them) Why is it working out for them and why doesn't anyone ever fight for me? I try so hard to be conscientious and aware of how I make people feel. I am not high maintenance or difficult. I care about people A LOT. I was incredibly friendly and nice to my ex's friends when we were dating. I was supportive when he decided to go back to school. I have a good job. I work out pretty regularly, I'm training for a half marathon. What else can I do to be better?

 

I involved myself in a gazillion different activities after my breakup, NEVER reached out to him once or asked him to reconsider, tried to better myself and NEVER tried to show him that I was working on myself. But I'm still not over him and its been exactly 8 months. We dated for a year. How do you throw a years investment away like a piece of garbage?? I still miss him a lot and think about him everyday. And I still feel like I've lost the greatest guy I will ever have. He always loved me and appreciated me. And I'm stuck on WHY this happened. There has to be some tangible reason. Like I was a *****, or I'm too short, or I wasn't being mature. SOMETHING. But he gave me no reason except that he just didn't feel the same after he moved away and its agonizing trying to figure out why. What the hell was our relationship based on if he can't figure out why things were falling apart? Did he ever appreciate me at all? I feel like he never did if it was so easy to walk away. And maybe there was nothing TO appreciate.

 

Its hilarious because I'm clearly already irrelevant to him. Even though I apparently did nothing wrong. And I feel like even if I meet someone that comes close to my ex, I just wouldn't be able to trust him. It might be fine and dandy for awhile, we'll fall in love, I'll introduce them to my parents and they'll love him, just like the ex. But I feel like one day he will snap, realize I'm not good enough and just walk away. I'm not sure I can get over this fear and feel like there is no point in dating.

 

I read this article that pretty much sums up how I feel:

The Reasons You Broke Up With Me | Thought Catalog

[Ale khun]

You know , some questions are better left unanswered , why ?? Because if you keep looking for a real good explanation about why "he just left" you're going to get hurt, who cares of his true reasons , the point is that he is not longer in your life and you really need to move on , for what u wrote" I'm clearly already irrelevant to him" it seems to me that he had already moved on , I know we wonder why if I was so special did nothing wrong why you don't want to be with me ?? It hurts but maybe the true answer to that its that he didn't appreciated you the way you deserved . It's normal that next time you're dating someone you may put a wall or high guard to protect your feelings , . Don't feel that you have lost the greatest guy in earth , because clearly he wasn't . Focus on you and only you and every time you have a question of why , how , why me ? Just think I did all I could in this relationship , it's not my fault , I'm capable of loving and caring for someone I'm smart positive and one day I will find someone who doesn't have any doubts about being with me .

[Kay_29]

Your destiny is not tied to anyone who left you ... their part in your story is done, take what you've learned and experienced into your next relationship . Its hard but better things are out there TRUST ME when I say this a few months from now your gonna be on a new path... heartbreak burns and you'll down for a little bit right now your just going through the motions slowly but surely time heals all...EVERYONE GOES THROUGH THIS it sucks but sometimes when life throws curve balls it makes us stronger... The what if's will never be answered just know that you did your all and that person wasnt meant for you !!!

[BustedUpInside]

Wow, this is almost exactly how I felt about a month ago. My ex broke up with me a little over 4 months ago after a 6 year relationship. It really does feel like the earth shrank and there are no people out there for you. Everyone is already paired off and you lost the only person that you could possibly have been compatible with for the long run. Ouch!

 

Let me give you some rays of hope. You are young and eloquent. There is no reason for you not to expect to have a lifetime filled with love and laughter. Just not right now. Right now you have to focus on yourself. You need to heal from this break and learn to trust in yourself again. Once you are ready, there will be plenty of time to fall in love again.

 

Time is the answer, and it is a sucky answer because you want to stop hurting right now, but trust me when I say that in a few months you will definitely feel better than you do now. Maybe a lot better, maybe just a little better, but it will be an improvement and when you look back on this post then you are going to realize just how far you've come and just how much further you can go.

 

Good luck and remember to give yourself a break and let yourself feel however you want to feel

[ChazzB]

sometimes there is no reason

 

no matter what you feel or want, you gotta acknowledge every people is different and have their own minds. so you can't really control, or provoke, certain emotions or reactions on the other people

 

it sucks to feel the way you are feeling. but you will never find an answer that satisfies you, beyond the realization that you have to move on and face the reality.

 

endure, and when the moment comes, you will see that this is a big world, full of great people, and even though we are unique in ourselves, we are not limited to enjoy only 1 thing, be good at only 1 thing, like only 1 person...

[mbee]

Just like everyone else said there aren't any answers to your questions. Shoot, your ex might not even know the answers to some of those questions. That's why people say love is risky. Falling in love is taking a risk but as you can tell from your friends and family, sometimes it works out. There are plenty of people who go a long time before meeting that right person. Many people go through quite a few serious relationships before meeting that right guy. Actually a few weeks ago I met a couple who had that. The woman was in her 40s and her husband is in his early 30s. They have a clear age gap but have been married for almost 10 years and are very happy. She had to wait awhile to meet this guy and have a lengthy friendship until she realized he was the right man for her, but that's how life works.

 

When you find the right person, at least you'll know he's the right man for you. And have you gotten back into dating? I think once you meet other guys and put yourself out there you'll realize how many nice guys there are. I just came back from a vacation to escape my breakup woes.

 

It was the best decision I made since the breakup. I met some awesome people. I even met a good looking guy who is going through a divorce. His wife was apparently married to someone else. It was a sad story to hear, but here is a guy who would have done anything for his wife and was deeply hurt. But he's out there traveling, improving himself and living life. I even ended up meeting a guy who I've developed a crush on and who conveniently lives 20 minutes away from me.

 

Just get out there and start meeting new people. It's tough but you'll realize that yes there are people who can walk away from you and leave you. There are also many people out there who will stand by you and love you. You wont find those people until you start letting go of the ex. Once you do, you'll realize the many possibilities your future has and realize that there is some guy out there who you will spend many, many years with.

[rainmayker]

You need to understand this.

 

He dumped you suddenly because he started seeing someone else and he didn't want to be seen as a cheater.

 

My ex met a guy 3 days prior to dumping me ABRUPTLY, and without any good reason. She LITERALLY made up reasons DURING our phone call when she dumped me. Literally created reasons out of thin air. We had a great relationship and the 'problems' that she mentioned to me were irrational - especially since her new man has ALL of these problems AND is a drug dealer!

 

Get my drift?

 

It isn't about anything else but that she 1) lost attraction to you and 2) she found someone new and dumped you in the most disrespectful way possible: abruptly and without any warning.

 

Let me guess - he changed his Skype password after that? Yeah, mine did, too, but only after telling me that she would. I even asked her why she bothered telling me.

 

Anyhow, you dodged a bullet my friend. Better that this happened now rather than when you're married with two kids and a mortgage. Send me a private message if you need someone to talk to - I wish I did when I went through this.

[Tinyrain]

Thanks everyone for your super helpful responses. It gives me hope and makes me feel like I'm not an awful person, even though there is nothing I did that should make me feel that way.

 

Also he didn't cheat on me or find someone else. He is a good guy at heart and would never do that to someone before he officially broke up with them. It all happened after he moved out of the city we both live in and started school. We took a two week break before we officially broke up to assess our feelings. So I think this breakup was the result of life and feeling changes. Although that almost gives him an excuse for not trying to work on us when he doesn't deserve an excuse. He was back on the dating site we met on a month after we broke so I know it wasn't about someone else.

 

Anyway thanks again. I just wish this feeling would completely go away. Its not as debilitating as before but the fact that I had something so wonderful and the fear that I may never have it again makes me anxious and sad. I almost wish I never met him/experienced something so great. Because then I wouldn't have standards or expectations of the kind of relationship I want. I would just happy with whatever I got. But now I just want the best.