73Fras Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 First post here.. I will try to not right a book... I got married young, very young - just before I turned 19 and will be married 22 years this Sept. I have known my husband since I was 9 - we grew up 4 houses apart but never dated until he joined the Army. We have 2 kids (6 and 11) and have been separated now for 9 mths. Where I live, the law requires us to be separated for 365 days before we can file for divorce. But in hindsight I should have left him a full year earlier. We never were that romantic couple, we got married shot gun so I could go to Germany with him. We definitely had our ups and downs but we were always like great best friends or business partners, never the fairy tale romance. He would always say he would never leave me, he picked right, etc...I felt safe and secure but loved as a friend/family member. I am independent by nature so being a military wife for 20+ years suited me fine. But over the last 2-3 years, work started to overtake his priorities. And then his attitude change and he started treating me very differently. I know longer felt important . I never turned to anyone else and I don't believe he did either. We had spoken over the years and made a promise to each other that if we ever met someone else, have the decency to end the marriage first. So that could be what he is doing. 2 yrs ago, he did some deliberate things to change the dynamics and disregarded my feelings on a few of his decisions, etc and was basically changing - same time he turned 40 so I was thinking, here we go mid life crisis. We started to argue over stupid things and he would shut me out of his travel plans and would just come and go without any regard to sharing it with me, etc. I never was the type to ask where you are going, what hotel, what flight etc, but hey will you be back for dinner or the weekend etc. I never thought that was asking too much. After a few marriage counseling sessions, he felt she was telling us we were doomed and I heard her say, HE needed to work on some issues. He decided to leave the house and start our 1 yr. We calmly told the kids and split the money and he got an apartment. He went back and forth on saying we were working on us to we weren't working on us. But after 9 mths, he has only been local about 5 weeks total, so he is never around to work on us or him. I admit to having a hard time adjusting. While I was never head over heels happy in love, I was content. Life was ok. Kids were happy. I was lonely but didn't see it. He just claimed he was unhappy with himself and thus unhappy with me and didn;t like the way he was treating me so I was better off without him. I went through crazy texting lady. OMG when I read them over. I am so embarrassed. Please don't into that trap... Most of the time we get along really well, as long as we dont talk about our divorce or reconciling.. LOL.. We meet up and have dinner together as a family and spend weekends together for kids events etc. The little bit of time he is around. We can file for divorce in a few months but I will not be rushing there as I have no reason to and I benefit financially the longer we are legally married. I am not sure if he will - But here is my question - I have finally accepted that we are divorcing. I am no longer angry or sad. Very confused as he still says he loves me, attracted to me, heck he wants to have a FWB relationship. But something has switched in his head. He can go from being a jerk if I ask him a question to a few hours later, asking me what I am doing, or how I am doing etc.. Its very unlike him.. Once I went to limited contact I am in such a better place... I am ready to move on. Not jump into a serious relationship but get out, meet people, maybe see if I even know how to flirt after being married for so long. Is this wrong?
worldgonewrong Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 There's a subtext to your story, that I don't think you're addressing head-on. I mean, yes, you said, "I never turned to anyone else and I don't believe he did either." That said, I think he is or has turned to another woman. His behavior/words are indicative of that. Let me put it this way - my ex-wife gave me the bluff, "You're better off without me", which turned out to be code for "I'm screwing someone else." But to answer your question: only you can know when you're ready to date. If the marriage is done, as in stick-a-fork-in-it, then go ahead. My 2 cents.
Author 73Fras Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the quick response - I think he developed a friendship for someone he now works with that questioned his feelings for me and started things to spiral 2 years ago and made him realize that he wanted more from a wife/marriage etc. My gut is that nothing more happened or there isn't anyone now, but the real test will be if he runs to the courthouse on the 366th day... Either way, it wouldn't change where we currently are or where I am going.. Edited May 17, 2013 by 73Fras
GuyInLimbo Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 No way. You are playing games with other people's lives/feelings. Wait until you are free and clear. How do you expect people to react when you tell them you see no reason to divorce and it's better for you financially? Where does that put them? I understand it's not for anything serious, but even for a CASUAL date, if a woman told me that, I'd end the date right then and there.
Author 73Fras Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Good Point.. Didn't even think of it from that point of view until you stated it.. Words hit home.. Thanks
ver13 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 It's better to wait until the D is final before you step down that road. I mean what is the hurry you already know it is all about. What I mean to say is anyone that you will meet who is still single at this point in their lives. I'm basing this off how long you have been M unless your a cougar:-) won't want the drama.
ver13 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 First post here.. I will try to not right a book... I got married young, very young - just before I turned 19 and will be married 22 years this Sept. I have known my husband since I was 9 - we grew up 4 houses apart but never dated until he joined the Army. We have 2 kids (6 and 11) and have been separated now for 9 mths. Where I live, the law requires us to be separated for 365 days before we can file for divorce. But in hindsight I should have left him a full year earlier. We never were that romantic couple, we got married shot gun so I could go to Germany with him. We definitely had our ups and downs but we were always like great best friends or business partners, never the fairy tale romance. He would always say he would never leave me, he picked right, etc...I felt safe and secure but loved as a friend/family member. I am independent by nature so being a military wife for 20+ years suited me fine. But over the last 2-3 years, work started to overtake his priorities. And then his attitude change and he started treating me very differently. I know longer felt important . I never turned to anyone else and I don't believe he did either. We had spoken over the years and made a promise to each other that if we ever met someone else, have the decency to end the marriage first. So that could be what he is doing. 2 yrs ago, he did some deliberate things to change the dynamics and disregarded my feelings on a few of his decisions, etc and was basically changing - same time he turned 40 so I was thinking, here we go mid life crisis. We started to argue over stupid things and he would shut me out of his travel plans and would just come and go without any regard to sharing it with me, etc. I never was the type to ask where you are going, what hotel, what flight etc, but hey will you be back for dinner or the weekend etc. I never thought that was asking too much. After a few marriage counseling sessions, he felt she was telling us we were doomed and I heard her say, HE needed to work on some issues. He decided to leave the house and start our 1 yr. We calmly told the kids and split the money and he got an apartment. He went back and forth on saying we were working on us to we weren't working on us. But after 9 mths, he has only been local about 5 weeks total, so he is never around to work on us or him. I admit to having a hard time adjusting. While I was never head over heels happy in love, I was content. Life was ok. Kids were happy. I was lonely but didn't see it. He just claimed he was unhappy with himself and thus unhappy with me and didn;t like the way he was treating me so I was better off without him. I went through crazy texting lady. OMG when I read them over. I am so embarrassed. Please don't into that trap... Most of the time we get along really well, as long as we dont talk about our divorce or reconciling.. LOL.. We meet up and have dinner together as a family and spend weekends together for kids events etc. The little bit of time he is around. We can file for divorce in a few months but I will not be rushing there as I have no reason to and I benefit financially the longer we are legally married. I am not sure if he will - But here is my question - I have finally accepted that we are divorcing. I am no longer angry or sad. Very confused as he still says he loves me, attracted to me, heck he wants to have a FWB relationship. But something has switched in his head. He can go from being a jerk if I ask him a question to a few hours later, asking me what I am doing, or how I am doing etc.. Its very unlike him.. Once I went to limited contact I am in such a better place... I am ready to move on. Not jump into a serious relationship but get out, meet people, maybe see if I even know how to flirt after being married for so long. Is this wrong? I highlighted these things because they resonate with me I just retired from the Army 3yrs ago after 24yrs of service. We have been through quite a lot also and I know now what she had to go through. You have known each other for sometime that is true. But I have to say not as well as you think the lifestyle and culture of serving makes sure of that, Mission first right:-) .... I don't know what a fairy tale romance is supposed to be like I mean it's based on fiction in the end. In them they lust and love forever here it only last for a few minutes unless you work on it together. He is going through some major life changing events he's getting close to retirement. Based off what you have written this way of life is all that he has known for a complete young adult life cycle. He is now forced to make decision based off the unknown and he know's that he has to continue to provide. This can make you sort of unstable to say in the least, just throwing that out there. If you are sure that D is the only way to get through this then Strike Hold trooper. But in the end there will be no one that can ever know you as well as you know each other based off all that you have endured. Remind him of that the next time that your all together pretending that this is normal. Remind him that the time for the troops is over, he has a change in mission and introduce him to his new unit called the family................
Author 73Fras Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I highlighted these things because they resonate with me I just retired from the Army 3yrs ago after 24yrs of service. We have been through quite a lot also and I know now what she had to go through. You have known each other for sometime that is true. But I have to say not as well as you think the lifestyle and culture of serving makes sure of that, Mission first right:-) .... I don't know what a fairy tale romance is supposed to be like I mean it's based on fiction in the end. In them they lust and love forever here it only last for a few minutes unless you work on it together. He is going through some major life changing events he's getting close to retirement. Based off what you have written this way of life is all that he has known for a complete young adult life cycle. He is now forced to make decision based off the unknown and he know's that he has to continue to provide. This can make you sort of unstable to say in the least, just throwing that out there. If you are sure that D is the only way to get through this then Strike Hold trooper. But in the end there will be no one that can ever know you as well as you know each other based off all that you have endured. Remind him of that the next time that your all together pretending that this is normal. Remind him that the time for the troops is over, he has a change in mission and introduce him to his new unit called the family................ Yes you brought up another point - pending retirement.. he hits 24 years this summer and plans on another 2 he says. So yes, i think its a combination of turning 40 and being scared over retiring to realizing he never lived on his own. Moms to Basic to married pretty much... He is driving this separation/divorce train, I have tried the begging and the arguing and the guilt (all shameful moments in my life) and honestly I believe in something I just read: If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. I think I need to avoid my next mistake and that is letting this drag on.. I think I need to accept that it would be unhealthy for me to NOT file for divorce on the 366th day. Its closure that I deserve.
aMguilts Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 and there is NOTHING stopping you going out and having fun in the mean time is there? personally i`d say go out and have fun if that means a `date` then ok set your boundaries and do it aM
ver13 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Yes you brought up another point - pending retirement.. he hits 24 years this summer and plans on another 2 he says. So yes, i think its a combination of turning 40 and being scared over retiring to realizing he never lived on his own. Moms to Basic to married pretty much... He is driving this separation/divorce train, I have tried the begging and the arguing and the guilt (all shameful moments in my life) and honestly I believe in something I just read: If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. I think I need to avoid my next mistake and that is letting this drag on.. I think I need to accept that it would be unhealthy for me to NOT file for divorce on the 366th day. Its closure that I deserve. Well you have to do what is right for you and your family so if D is it then proceed. The whole dating issue I have already responded on take care of yourself and safe landings where ever you end up.
Recommended Posts