ConfusedInOC Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 I have been dating this girl now since April. Well, *I* have been dating her, but she hasn't been dating me. Anyone that knows me knows I love this girl enormously. If she would only tell me she loves me, I'd marry her tomorrow. However, our relationship has many problems. Where do I start? When we first met, she laid it out "I've just gotten over a bad relationship. Physically I am ready, mentally I am not." Then we started dating and our relationship has grown. She is the daughter of a Pastor so of course she is religious. She has always referred to me as "her friend", never her boyfriend. Though we were having sex, over the past two months she's gone back to going to church every weekend and now says she wants to abstain until she gets married. I've told her I loved her. She can only say she cares about me. What she cares about most is completing school and I know in some way she sees me as a problem to her completing school, though time and time again I have proven to be nothing short of 100% behind her and I am willing to do whatever I need to help her succeed. Next year she intends to go to school in Ireland. I told her I would drop my entire life to go be with her there. She's not biting. She doesn't tell me she loves me. She won't allow our relationship to grow. What's worse is, she's laid down all these rules that I must follow. I've basically changed who I am and have become a nicer, kindler, gentler person and so far, that's done nothing to change her opinion. I think she's staying with me now only out of pity. I've written her four goodbye letters and I somehow can't bring myself to push "Send". I keep hovering over the button. I know I am a fool. I know I shouldn't stay with her...but I've never loved anyone like this and it's hard for me to just say goodbye. I think about her every day. I can't bear to live life without her. If this doesn't work out, I fear I'll never love again. What am I doing wrong? What can I do to make her see that I am right man for her? And if I have to leave her, how can I possibly go on? ConfusedInOC
Haunani Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Confused, it's not what you are doing wrong, she just knows what she needs to do right. And that is, get her education with any distractions, no tie downs or possible future committments. She's probably getting a heap of advice on that one from her Father (literally)... So IMHO, I'd say, if you love her let her go and do what she knows needs to be done. If when she returns and you still feel the same and so does she, then it's meant to be. In the meantime, she's doing what she needs to do to make her future better, I think you also need to put one foot in front the other, make yourself move on. Take care of you first.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 I understand. But she's told me "I am tired of doing what my boyfriends wanted and now I will do what *I* want." I agree and have always supported her. The problem is, she has another 4 years plus to finish school. Who can wait that long. By the time she is finished, she will have forgotten about me...
Haunani Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I have been dating this girl now since April. Well, *I* have been dating her, but she hasn't been dating me. that's confusing.....you just mention the above and then say she doesn't want to do what her boyfriends are wanting her to, she's sending you conflicting messages. If you understand her need for higher education then you need to understand that she's also young and probably more influenced by her Father than influenced by you. She needs to learn how to become *indepdent* and being away at school, from everyone, she will grow up. You may not like that fact and if you try to hold on to her more, you will crush her and she will leave you worst - in anger, and not talk to you again. Let her leave with an open mind, and that you can still correspond, who knows where that will lead, or it may not, you're right. 4 years is a long time, but if you love her and she loves you, 4 years is not so very long.
tanbark813 Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC What am I doing wrong? You're catering to her every wish instead of standing up for yourself, expecting respect, and trying to reach some sort of compromise. Originally posted by ConfusedInOC What can I do to make her see that I am right man for her? That's as dependent on her as it is on you. It's possible that she may never see that. But going about things as you are doesn't look like it has been doing you much good. You said yourself you've changed who you are and that's done nothing to change her opinion. Insanity can be defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results (that's a loosely paraphrased quote from someone but I forget whom). Originally posted by ConfusedInOC And if I have to leave her, how can I possibly go on? I know right now it looks like you won't be able to go on and you're terrified of life without her. I also understand wondering if you'll ever find someone else you can love. Believe me, bro, we've all been there. Trust me though, you will find someone else (if you do leave her, of course). Yes, it will hurt like hell if you leave her, but you'll eventually get over it. It's up to you to decide if this girl is good for you, but only stay with her if you really want to. Don't stay with her if it's only out of fear of not finding someone else. That's not good for either one of you. Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I know I am a fool. I know I shouldn't stay with her... Look at your own words.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 Thanks. That is a good quote: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Benjamin Franklin
Author ConfusedInOC Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 You know, you're absolutely right. It's time I started acting like a man. I've given her all the power, it's time to take it back!
Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Don't let her change who you are. You're fine the way you are. You don't have to live by her rules.
PR Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 I love this forum and wished I had known about it before I started agonizing over the same problem as ConfusedInOC (and others in this on-line community). No man likes to know that he couldn't make the woman he has chosen to fall in love with him. I know from personal experience. Getting a straight answer from your woman about where you stand is important. You may not like the news you want to hear, but a man--a real man--takes that risk. I am still hurting, but it gets a tiny, tiny bit better each day. Some days aren't so good, but on the whole, I feel like I am 80 percent.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted October 4, 2004 Author Posted October 4, 2004 Originally posted by Jilly10340 Don't let her change who you are. You're fine the way you are. You don't have to live by her rules. Well I guess it doesn't matter now. She just wants to be friends. I hate that. I love this girl more than life itself. I have done most everything she's asked of me yet all she can say is "that spark is gone..." Well maybe for her but not me. I doubt mine for her will ever go away.
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