NPP10 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 After either the A was discovered or ended, what did you miss most from not being in contact with the OW/OM? Did you genuinely miss their companionship, phone calls, intimacy? If you R, was it difficult to without thinking about them and the "what ifs"?
RickFox Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 After either the A was discovered or ended, what did you miss most from not being in contact with the OW/OM? Did you genuinely miss their companionship, phone calls, intimacy? If you R, was it difficult to without thinking about them and the "what ifs"? I missed it all, I was a wreck. Every day was horrible, in the midst of trying to reconcile and make sense of everything else, it sucked big time. It took me over a year to begin to make strides in healing myself and my M and I dare say I'm not done yet. Not a day goes by I don't think of her, but the feelings attached to those thoughts have lessened as time goes by. I wish I could forget but I'm resigned to the fact that you just can't make yourself forget your own life's ups and downs. 11
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Rick, It is really refreshing to hear a man say these things. We (as women) are generally told that men can compartmentalize, they are just after sex, they forget easier and move much more easily than women. I feel EXACTLY the same way you do. I can't believe the time it has taken me to get where I am today and I have resigned myself to the fact that I will probably never go through a day without thinking about him for the rest of my life, it's just more pocketed and more controlled. 3
secretlady76 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 After either the A was discovered or ended, what did you miss most from not being in contact with the OW/OM? Did you genuinely miss their companionship, phone calls, intimacy? If you R, was it difficult to without thinking about them and the "what ifs"? (Big sigh): I missed the friendship; he was my friend over and above anything else. I missed the chats (I'd read something funny but couldn't tell him). I missed being in his presence; I was contented simply just being with him. I missed his sense of humour, our talks of things we'd do that we had no intention of doing. I missed his smell (sounds odd). I missed his cuddles and kisses. I missed my partner in crime. Sometimes it felt like it was us against the world, and then all of a sudden it was just me. I've said this before on here but when it finished it felt like someone had died, only worse, because he was still alive. Reconcilling (sp) was a nightmare. I was mourning a sudden loss and trying to fix a marriage at the same time. I couldn't see past the A and to begin with I couldn't function let alone R with my husband. It was a good month or so before I could even consider it. In the end I had to convinve myself that he had actually died so I could move on. I had to erase anything that reminded me of him and give myself a good talking to. Do I think of him still? oh, only every bloody day. Do I still miss him? All the time. That I'm afraid is the price you pay. 7
thefooloftheyear Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I missed it all, I was a wreck. Every day was horrible, in the midst of trying to reconcile and make sense of everything else, it sucked big time. It took me over a year to begin to make strides in healing myself and my M and I dare say I'm not done yet. Not a day goes by I don't think of her, but the feelings attached to those thoughts have lessened as time goes by. I wish I could forget but I'm resigned to the fact that you just can't make yourself forget your own life's ups and downs. My story pretty much to a T... Its been 6 months of heartache and pain...I dont know what the hell I would do if it lasted years...I am afraid of that prospect. I always say to myself, how can something thats so "good"(the love, intimacy, companionship, friendship etc)...turn out SO horribly wrong... The thing that REALLY bothers me is that I rejected this person twice before it started and she persisted and I caved..If she just would have left me the eff alone...But I take full responsibility..I still caved.. Its just a nightmare, frankly. Id sooner cut my arm off with a dull butter knife than endure this type of pain again.. With all due respect to our brave armed forces, I gotta believe its even a form of PTSD... I wish all the best to all who are suffering... TFY 7
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 My story pretty much to a T... Its been 6 months of heartache and pain...I dont know what the hell I would do if it lasted years...I am afraid of that prospect. I always say to myself, how can something thats so "good"(the love, intimacy, companionship, friendship etc)...turn out SO horribly wrong... The thing that REALLY bothers me is that I rejected this person twice before it started and she persisted and I caved..If she just would have left me the eff alone...But I take full responsibility..I still caved.. Its just a nightmare, frankly. Id sooner cut my arm off with a dull butter knife than endure this type of pain again.. With all due respect to our brave armed forces, I gotta believe its even a form of PTSD... I wish all the best to all who are suffering... TFY It IS a form of PTSD - do not mistake it for anything less. It's a trauma (my counselor even labeled it that way) and it takes a long time - for me it's been 3 1/2 years. I don't ever want to feel pain like that again and I don't wish it on anyone else. And the above bolded text? That is the million dollar question I will never have the answer to. 1
SweetBella1 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) I can relate to all of the above responses!! The A break up was 5 wks ago and every day since has been an emotional endurance test. I wish I could say it's getting easier but it's just awful. I miss everything about xMM and would love to talk to him, tell him how I'm feeling but since he ended the A, I will NOT break NC. The worst thing is the regrets I have...I wish I could go back and do things differently with xMM. I admitted the A to my H earlier this week and he has been supportive and understanding. He's a wonderful person and friend but I can't shake the intense memories of xMM. Every minute of every day...it ebbs and flows but it's always there haunting me. I miss him terribly. Edited May 17, 2013 by SweetBella1 1
DelusionalOne Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 All of these are my story as well. 4 months later I miss him every single day. There is a huge, gaping hole in my heart. I honestly feel like a part of me is missing and empty and my fear is that I will have to live with that feeling forever. I love my H ...but not the way I love xMM. I know 20 different people out here will tell me that love isn't real but I'm afraid my heart disagrees. My H knows everything and we are trying to R a marriage that was already dinged by his A. It's an uphill battle. I am functioning normally again but I honestly don't think I ever going to "get over it". I think I will put it in a box in my mind and attempt to ignore it but it will always be there. 3
So happy together Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I'm wondering if the pain is worse than a 'normal' relationship and if so, why?
secretlady76 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I'm wondering if the pain is worse than a 'normal' relationship and if so, why? Simple; it was never consummated (not in terms of sex). It never gets past the heady stage.
LoveBitesButSoDoI Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 (Big sigh): I missed the friendship; he was my friend over and above anything else. I missed the chats (I'd read something funny but couldn't tell him). I missed being in his presence; I was contented simply just being with him. I missed his sense of humour, our talks of things we'd do that we had no intention of doing. I missed his smell (sounds odd). I missed his cuddles and kisses. I missed my partner in crime. Sometimes it felt like it was us against the world, and then all of a sudden it was just me. I've said this before on here but when it finished it felt like someone had died, only worse, because he was still alive. Reconcilling (sp) was a nightmare. I was mourning a sudden loss and trying to fix a marriage at the same time. I couldn't see past the A and to begin with I couldn't function let alone R with my husband. It was a good month or so before I could even consider it. In the end I had to convinve myself that he had actually died so I could move on. I had to erase anything that reminded me of him and give myself a good talking to. Do I think of him still? oh, only every bloody day. Do I still miss him? All the time. That I'm afraid is the price you pay. Everything you said, I could've wrote...EVERYTHING. I feel the exact same way 110%.
Author NPP10 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Thank you everyone for your responses, and I'm sorry to hear of the hurt you are all going through. I agree with lilmiss as to how men are seen to just compartmentalize, etc. I often just wondered after A ends how it affects the married person, if, at all.
Nattie Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I am a wreck. I'm a MW, and I can't stop thinking about xMM. Today was day 4 NC, but I saw him earlier in public. I don't think he saw me, but it's tearing me apart. I don't even know what I miss. We didn't do anything NOT sex related, it wasn't like there was a underlying relationship. We didn't act like a couple, but the chemistry is undeniable. I think I'd rather be trying to quit an actual drug right now than him... and as hard as this is, I won't go backward because the past few days have been absolutely nauseating, and there is no way I can start this process all over again.
carhill Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 After either the A was discovered or ended, what did you miss most from not being in contact with the OW/OM? Did you genuinely miss their companionship, phone calls, intimacy? If you R, was it difficult to without thinking about them and the "what ifs"? If I had to name one 'thing' that I 'miss', meaning that voluntarily giving up the emotional attachment created a 'space' that was empty, it would be something both my exW and her BF commented on. They both got the sense that she and I were talking with each other even when we weren't speaking. There was always some communication going on, no matter what the life circumstances. Perhaps knowing each other over a quarter century facilitated that, IDK. In any event, I've never experienced that with anyone else and likely never will. I'm comfortable with that space being unoccupied now but it's still identifiable 'space'; a dearth. 1
anne1707 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I will not comment on what I missed about the exOM when my affair ended. Those who know me realise that as my H also posts on this site, there are some things I will not talk about as it is not fair on him. I just wanted to say to those MM and MW who are still hurting from the end of the affair that, apart from understanding this and realising it takes time, you will get through this. You will get over the pain in time. I still work with the exOM but I don't think of him as more than a colleague. I don't miss him and what we had. There is no personal "stuff" between us. I know that some of you may find that hard to believe or cold but it isn't. It took time to get to this stage but the affair had to end and I have happily reconciled with my H. The reconciliation could never have worked long term if I harboured feelings for the exOM. You need to find a way of dealing with your pain from the affair ending. I did IC which really helped me get myself back on track and focus on what I really wanted in life.
Goodbye Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I'm wondering if the pain is worse than a 'normal' relationship and if so, why? Yes, it is. Secret relationships tend to be more intense. And because they are generally secretive, you grieve alone. Or on forums like this, lol. 2
Author NPP10 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Yes, it is. Secret relationships tend to be more intense. And because they are generally secretive, you grieve alone. Or on forums like this, lol. Very, very good point.
ladydesigner Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 After either the A was discovered or ended, what did you miss most from not being in contact with the OW/OM? Did you genuinely miss their companionship, phone calls, intimacy? If you R, was it difficult to without thinking about them and the "what ifs"? I am a fMOW and BS, but will answer from the correct point of view. I am 5 years out from the A, what I had initially missed most about the xAP was the way he made me feel (not physically, but emotionally). Currently I am indifferent. I honestly wish it never happened, that it never came to an A to get to the point I am at now. I was a very broken individual at the time of my A and have had faulty coping mechanisms my whole life that I am currently in IC fixing. I never had the "what ifs."
Praying4Peace Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) I miss the friendship more than anything. I felt like he was an extension of my mind/body/soul. He used the term soulmate before I did...that how could we know each other for such a short time and be so comfortable that it felt like forever? Like Carhill said, our spouses noted that our thoughts flowed into each other and we started and finished sentences and generally had similar mannerisms and habits...especially once the A went further. They'd note this and we got busted because of it. Every single day for 5 months I have thought of him, our R, the times we had, the plans we wished for, and our baby that never was. I feel like I have been married and divorced...all in a way that is secret to the world. It does feel like PTSD. If I see him or hear about him, I get dizzy- tight in the chest- just everything. Because in my mind he's gone, I think of him dead. So when I hear about that part of me walking around just 5-6 miles from home it makes me lightheaded and nauseous. If I drive past certain areas its just too much and I can't hold back tears. People sometimes comment- "why are SO MANY AP's convinced they are 'soulmates' blah blah blah. It must be a fog thing, or a secrecy thing, etc." I say that that is looking at it in reverse. The way I see it- its not the nature of the affair that makes you feel like you met your soulmate. Rather, the fact that *I* got involved with someone who is married, *while I was married* is such a big deal that ONLY someone who is so perfect for me could cause me to fall so far from what I know is morally acceptable. In a nutshell...I'd only unknowingly fall into an affair and lose all self control for someone who was my perfect complement. Of course there are some A's that are not like that, but for the people who are hurting so bad- its a life sentence that can be managed/suppressed/coped with but it'll never go away. A broken heart is a chronic pain and you learn to live with ache and cover it up with other people/experiences/thoughts. Anyone who thinks a WS doesn't pay is wrong. If the A meant something deeply (which is a larger betrayal for the BS), the punishment is just as deep. If you are generally a good person, you feel that the loss of your AP is a punishment you should bear alone and others shouldn't have to pay. Take care everyone, you aren't alone. Edited May 17, 2013 by Praying4Peace grammar 4
loredo21 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I will not comment on what I missed about the exOM when my affair ended. Those who know me realise that as my H also posts on this site, there are some things I will not talk about as it is not fair on him. I just wanted to say to those MM and MW who are still hurting from the end of the affair that, apart from understanding this and realising it takes time, you will get through this. You will get over the pain in time. I still work with the exOM but I don't think of him as more than a colleague. I don't miss him and what we had. There is no personal "stuff" between us. I know that some of you may find that hard to believe or cold but it isn't. It took time to get to this stage but the affair had to end and I have happily reconciled with my H. The reconciliation could never have worked long term if I harboured feelings for the exOM. You need to find a way of dealing with your pain from the affair ending. I did IC which really helped me get myself back on track and focus on what I really wanted in life. Is Pierre your husbaaaand?! wocka wocka! 3
Praying4Peace Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Oh sorry- to answer the OP's question..I could not reconcile with my H and he really wanted to (or thought he did...I feel like he was just afraid and wanted the normal life). I felt like he deserved to be with someone who wasn't carrying this around in her heart. I know he'll be happier to start over without 2-5 years of this hell. I also could not do the fake-it thing and sit around bad mouthing and minimizing something so important to me. But that's just me, and what I could handle. I do sometimes miss my H and just having someone with me as a partner in life. 3
DelusionalOne Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 The way I see it- its not the nature of the affair that makes you feel like you met your soulmate. Rather, the fact that *I* got involved with someone who is married, *while I was married* is such a big deal that ONLY someone who is so perfect for me could cause me to fall so far from what I know is morally acceptable. In a nutshell...I'd only unknowingly fall into an affair and lose all self control for someone who was my perfect complement. I know exactly what you are saying here. 2
anne1707 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Is Pierre your husbaaaand?! wocka wocka! I can promise you that if Pierre was my husband, I would not be happily reconciled. I might be up on a manslaughter charge though. 2
loredo21 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I can promise you that if Pierre was my husband, I would not be happily reconciled. I might be up on a manslaughter charge though. HAHAHAHAHA! Ooooh Pierre! Love you
who_am_i Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Yes, it is. Secret relationships tend to be more intense. And because they are generally secretive, you grieve alone. Or on forums like this, lol. i agree with this and i also think that when the average relationship ends it is usually because there are things about the other person that bug you. but in an affair...other then them being married which i realize is a huge one, but taking that out of the equation for a minute...there aren't any of those reasons. you're forced to stop seeing each other when under normal circumstances you'd never make that choice. for me, i think thats why its so hard to let go. 1
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