Jump to content

Brilliant man pursuing a platonic friendship with me, or is it a mind game?

Hannah86

By Hannah86
in Friendship

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Hannah86 Established Member

Hannah86

Posted
Posted (edited)

I have a boyfriend of 3 years who is the kindest, most affectionate sweetie ever. Super nice, always there for me, and will be the perfect dad to our kids should we get hitched.

 

I am currently confused because this other really smart guy (26 yo) is pursuing a platonic friendship with me. We are talking full ride to Stanford smart, perfect SAT score, etc. He is also very handsome and tall. He is a perfect guy on paper, however my boyfriend is too (in different ways, they are not carbon copies)...so the thought of undoing three years with my man to gamble on something else is just not there for me. I readily admit that he is handsome but I would never, ever act on it as long as I am in a relationship.

 

I guess I am wondering what the heck is going on? I feel guilty for talking to him a lot, but he has not crossed any lines. As far as I can tell, he is respectful of my relationship. He does not want to date me and often talks to me as though we are siblings.

 

More about him: girls basically throw themselves at him. He breaks hearts and they almost all end up hating him, and he has one old flame he likes to brag about to me that is engaged and is still in touch with him. He is a master of manipulating girls, and only likes the girls he cannot have.

 

We've been friends for about two months and I do kind of like his attention. He is a brilliant, witty person that I can banter with that I don't have to hook up with. While my boyfriend is always there for me, this friend guy is like this smart thing with new funny stories and a quirky personality.

 

Do guys actually pursue friendships with girls? What do you think is going on here? He is so smart that I fear I am the latest mind control toy for him to play with (but two months seems like a long time to try?). We have had some deep conversations but one thing I never talk about with him is my boyfriend. I think that would be disrespectful.

Edited by Hannah86
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Nothing can really go on that you don't allow to go on.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with talking to him. However, you have to ask yourself what YOU truly feel about him? And does it really matter what he wants or doesn't want from you?

 

Does he know that you have a bf? I presume you SHOULD have told him?

  • Author
Hannah86 Established Member

Hannah86

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Yes! He knows I have a boyfriend.

 

Honestly, I am still sorting out exactly why I like this friendship because it is pretty new to me to have a close friendship with a guy that is not my boyfriend or one of my boyfriend's friends (where the boundaries are obvious from the get-go). I guess he appeals to my vanity, in that he is a sought-after guy and he wants to spend all his time talking to me. I am flattered. I just don't really show that, nor does he seem to be interested in me romantically.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

I've had platonic male friends, and I have to admit, I have never once thought of them the way you think of this guy. You seem almost... enraptured. That's not really a good sign.

 

You really have to decide what you want to do, for yourself.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Hannah86 Established Member

Hannah86

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Enraptured? I feel that way about Kate Middleton's baby but not this guy...I realize it came across that way because I did gush a bit about his accomplishments. My boyfriend is also really spectacular but I don't need his mind tweaked ;)

 

You are saying I can do what I want to do. So if I want to keep up a deep, platonic friendship with him and maintain my wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, that is totally ok?

 

Is it normal for friends to talk to each other (on im/text) for hours about everything under the sun?

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Well, 'can' is relative. You 'can' do most things. Should you? I'm not so sure. Your level of 'friendship' with this guy seems to go above and beyond what I feel is normal for platonic friends of the opposite sex, IMO. My opinion would be different if you had been friends since grade school or something, but this is a new person who seems to be pursuing you.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Hannah86 Established Member

Hannah86

Posted
  • Author
Posted

So my gut was right and this is not normal. Thank you Elswyth. Will slowly nip this in the bud and quit while I am ahead.

  • Like 2
Mint Sauce Established Member

Mint Sauce

Posted
Posted

just make sure that you're not staying with your current bf because he'll be a good father to your kids. I'd step away from the new guy, but think hard about what this fascination with his quick and inventive brain really means to you. You're still young, perhaps your priorities in what you search for in a guy are changing? The infatuation with the new guy will have to disappear before you can answer that question honestly though. Proper distance seems appropriate to me. Then ask yourself whether your bf is who/what you really want, and break-up with him if he isn't. Then you're free to go play with the smart (but potentially manipulative) guy(s)...

  • Like 1
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
just make sure that you're not staying with your current bf because he'll be a good father to your kids. I'd step away from the new guy, but think hard about what this fascination with his quick and inventive brain really means to you. You're still young, perhaps your priorities in what you search for in a guy are changing? The infatuation with the new guy will have to disappear before you can answer that question honestly though. Proper distance seems appropriate to me. Then ask yourself whether your bf is who/what you really want, and break-up with him if he isn't. Then you're free to go play with the smart (but potentially manipulative) guy(s)...

 

Agreed whole-heartedly. :)

 

Just one thing, I would caution against assuming that just because someone has the intellectual capacity to do it, it means that he has a higher potential of being manipulative than the ordinary guy. It's a fallacious assumption, just like the one about good-looking partners being more likely to cheat.

Mint Sauce Established Member

Mint Sauce

Posted
Posted

Just one thing, I would caution against assuming that just because someone has the intellectual capacity to do it, it means that he has a higher potential of being manipulative than the ordinary guy. It's a fallacious assumption, just like the one about good-looking partners being more likely to cheat.

 

An interesting topic for another thread :) . I was referring to this particular guy in my post (as the OP fears mind games with this guy), but I'm not sure your analogy is correct, since the looks-cheating involves use of the "power" outside a relationship, which is clear boundary transgression, while brain-manipulation can occur within the relationship and be much less obvious, even for the manipulative party. The manipulative ordinary guy will quickly be known as a douche bag, the manipulative smart guy can probably keep up his show for much longer...

 

PS: according to my credentials, I belong to the "smart category", so I'm not on a crusade to bash smart people :)

  • Author
Hannah86 Established Member

Hannah86

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I will admit that the thought of dating him crossed my mind (remember I am only human), but he is so open to me about how many girls he has scorched the earth with that it seems like I would be totally dumb to put myself in that position. Perhaps this intrigue with him is that he is forbidden...

 

At the end of the day, I am comparing diamonds and gold and while he is exciting, I like being treated like a princess by my boyfriend (even though it is not as exciting). Maybe my priorities have changed. In a perfect world, perhaps this new guy would mind-seduce me until we are 90 but realistically I think he would dump me as soon as he had me.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Yeah, in this case alone, I definitely agree with you, Mint.

 

Hannah, my strong opinion is that it's never a good idea to get involved with men who brag about the trail of broken hearts that they leave behind. Either they're lying, which doesn't speak well for their principles, or they're telling the truth, which doesn't bode well for their next partner. Either way, it doesn't bode well. A pattern of past behaviour is usually indicative of a pattern of future behaviour, unless the individual honestly wishes to change - which doesn't seem to be his case.

 

So yes, I agree that even if you did choose him, he would dump you as soon as he had you.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Hannah86 Established Member

Hannah86

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I appreciate that you both are honest with me and think he is pursuing me beyond what normal friendship calls for...even though he insists/we insist everything is platonic. The fact that I have been secretive with how much I talk to him is also enough of a hint to me that this is not quite right.

 

He is also so smart, and so manipulative, that it is very easy to over-analyze and assume the worst in him. Perhaps he is insisting it is platonic so that I don't feel guilty talking to him. Acting like a platonic friend makes it "okay" for him to check up on me several times a day (and vice versa so I am not a "bad friend"). Talking about other girls he likes and his wild past is a mask for how he feels about me.

 

I think it is pretty obvious what is going on now that we have gone through the motions...NO, guys DO NOT aggressively pursue platonic friendships with girls! Not even the quirky smart ones!

Edited by Hannah86
  • Like 1
freestyle Established Member

freestyle

Posted
Posted

I"m with Mint & Elswyth on this one.

 

The new "friend" shows a lot of red flag behaviors---bragging about broken hearts , and an ex still being in touch with him....:confused:

 

You also mentioned that "he only wants the girls that he can't have..."

Which sounds to me like he's a "thrill of the chase" type who will quickly devalue & discard a girl, once he knows she's hooked.

He sounds very egocentric.......which can lead to all sorts of bad news, even on a platonic level.

  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...