cheating on my husband again - should I leave?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Been married 13 years, 2 great kids (7 and 9). I've cheated on my husband a few times. Two were one-timers, and one was when we separated for 3 months - I left. I cheated once on an old boyfriend when I was 20 yrs old, but that's youth, right? We ended that 5 yr relationship and I met my husband.

 

Some history: About 5 years ago our marriage was boring and I found the internet. He found out shortly afterwards, and we enjoyed it together for quite some time and our sex life improved. But I kept an emotional attachment to one guy, on and off, because I still was not feeling that from my husband. We have never been good at communicating our feelings. We went for counselling on two occasions (several visits each time).

 

When we separated he took me back but it took me a year to feel like I belonged there. Just when I thought things were going to be wonderful, he changed. I felt neglected and we didn't have sex for almost a year. As usual, the emotions built up inside and we finally had it out a few months ago. Not much was really resolved, we just started having sex again to hide the real issues. I was once again in contact with Mr. Internet.

 

Now, Mr. Internet has been neglecting me and I told him I think we need to end it. He called me (we've never met) and said he loved me and was just busy so I said okay we'll keep going. But in the meantime, I met another man in my city and he is absolutely wonderful. We have been in touch for a couple of weeks, have seen each other several times and wow is he a great lover! Nothing like my husband EVER was. He is divorced and I could really fall for him.

 

I know I'm selfish and doing all the wrong things. My husband doesn't make me feel beautiful (I'm a hottie!). He tells me I'm pretty. We are both to blame for the lack fo affection and while I don't think he would ever cheat on me, it wouldn't surprise me. I know he still goes online and I haven't confonted him about it because I have just as much to hide.

 

Do I want out of the marriage? Sometimes, yes, I think I will really be okay if I was alone, even if the new guy leaves me. As for the kids, that is the hardest part. I know it's not right to wait and see what happens with this new guy, and I definitely would not leave my marriage FOR another man or because of another man. It would be for me and my well-being. Maybe I need counselling (a pain in the butt because we are an hour from the city). I know I should end it now with the new guy to figure out what to do, but I'm having fun dammit and don't want to lose him. I've never been with anyone like him before.

 

I know this all sounds bad but I also know that I can't be 100% to blame. Anyone out there want to offer me any advice? Sympathy? - yeah right. Similar situations and experiences?

 

thank you.

[jmargel]

My opinion is that you need counseling for yourself. It's apparent you've been neglected emotionally for some time now. That you are searching for it from other men. Another important question is, are you happy within' yourself? If you are looking for someone to make you happy, then that's not going to be possible.

 

Going to couseling for just a few visits is not going to help anything. It needs to be on-going until you both are secure in the relationship and know what needs to be done to sustain it.

 

You really need to ask yourself if you still want to be married. I only suggest divorce when either:

 

1) The spouse has done something illegal or so immoral that you don't see any signs of regaining the trust in them

 

2) You both have exhausted all options to regaining the relationship back with each other. That you both agree that you two are just not compatible as a couple.

 

You mentioned in your post you two have poor communication skills. Check out my link in my signtaure, I talk about that. You will find that majority of your problems, probably stem from that.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I know that I'm ultimately responsible for my happiness, and because of the neglect I've stopped looking for it from hubby. I am taking courses, I'm involved in a competitive sport that takes up alot of my time in winter, I work full time and more if I have the opportunity, and when I'm not busy with the kids, I go shopping.

 

This is destructive behavior to the marriage and I'll keep doing it and I'll keep pushing his buttons and I don't know why I do it. He made a decision in the past that bothered me, and I haven't said a word about the extent of it. He had the chance to become manager of his department and didn't want anything to do with it. It would have made things very comfortable for us, but he likes his 9-5 job, coming home and doing the Mr mom thing, housecleaning, laundry, etc. I'm way too busy for that and if he's tired of it he can get a cleaning lady!

 

So that is why I am taking courses so I can make more money to buy the things he will never be able to get for me. I work hard at my sport so I can win all my competitions. We are basically co-parenting and co-habiting at this point. We are friends, don't get me wrong, we have fun together and joke around, but there is little intimacy and affection and all our conversations centre around work and the kids.

 

The only things we argue about, and they are quiet, short-lived discussions, is money - he thinks we can't afford anything yet we earn together over 100K per year, and sex - he wants me to initiate it and I don't want to. His way of initiating it is putting his hand on my back in bed....and his way for ME to initiate it is to grab his....that's so NOT romantic. So here we are 40-ish and stuck. I'm PMSing right now so maybe it's more emotion talking.

 

I would like to go for counselling but more for me and not the marriage.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I concer

 

I think you should seek individual couseling.

 

My wife and I are in the process of MC.... We have only met as a couple 2 times, but 12 times each solo. And, what I have discovered thru individual is amazing. And I feel my wife has found the same. We both come out of there with a different set of eyes and awareness of the truth. We have deep issues to figure out wihtin OURSELVES, before we can figure out our relationship.

 

But like my MC said in the first session. As we go thru solo meetings, we will use that knowledge to fix our relationship....I didn;t get it the first time she said it casue I thought it was Couple Counseling....but as I have go thru them, I now see the rationale of MC's direction of were she is taking us.

 

I can honestly say that everytime I leave the MC, I feel MUCH MUCH MUCH better about MYSELF....and in turn use it to help me in my relationship with my wife. Dont get me wrong, I;m still on the roller coaster of emotion...but I'm starting to "get it"....and the end of the tunnel is getting closer.

[jmargel]

Mom-wife..

 

Sounds like you are very competitive, which in itself is not a bad thing, but when it comes to a relationship it can be harmful. From your last post I also take you like material things, but your husband isn't much into that?

 

Some people define success on how much money you bring in, and how many things you have. Others define success as just being happy and content with life. That material things don't matter. What matters is being with your family.

 

I'm not trying to put you down, but re-read your last post. Perhaps the stress that is on him to provide money & material things have made him distant from you. That perhaps all he wants is your affection and love. That material items don't equate to the amount of love you have for him.

 

If you had everything material wise that you wanted, would you still be happy with what you have? Yes, everyone loves to have new things, but life is about wanting what you have, not what you don't.

 

When you show him affection, does he recipoicate? I know how he might feel in some ways. My wife likes material things, and I am more giving with my heart. Perhaps he feels like he has to buy your love. Trust me, it hurts to feel like that.

 

If you want counseling, which is good, then what is stopping you? Call the local hospital or search online to find a good licensed one. As for him not initating sex, perhaps he just doesn't know the right way to go about it, or is actually scared of rejection.

 

When having discussions with him, don't talk about money. Talk about current events or anything positive. Focusing too much on the negative will also bring things like this about.

 

Also, check my link in my signature, it might help you some.

[Ladyjane14]

I have to agree with jmargel and Thumb, you do need counceling.

 

Just my opinion, but individual counseling would be best to start with. You seem to have some narcissistic tendancies, in the way that you are prioritizing your own needs above the needs of the family as a whole. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to be.

 

Call the member services number on the back of your medical insurance card and find out what your benefits are. They can also give you information on clinicians in your area.

 

Your behavior is not only destructive to those around you, but to yourself as well.

 

And good luck to you. I hope I haven't offended.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Hello and thank you for all your insights into this. I will get counselling, and have access to it as well as coverage through work.

 

I really am a nice quiet shy person, but my mind whacks out when I'm PMS'ing. I am on medication for this as the mood used to last all month!

 

Hubby and I talked a few months ago and agreed to try really hard over the summer. Well, nothing changed for either of us. I think he is hiding something from me as well. When we talked back then, I told him that I never really thought I was his type in the beginning, and he didn't deny it. That really hurt me. It may have been a manipulative statement, but his response was more than I could bear. Is it time for a confrontation?

 

I know that having material things will not make me happy - I know that. I have to find out what it is that makes me happy and what I really want. It felt good trying to put his feelings first. He tries it too, but ends up doing it all wrong in my mind and I end up feeling hurt. I tell him about it and he sulks and gets mad and shuts down. We can't talk about it. I don't yell, I just try to calmly tell him how his actions made me feel.

 

All we talk about now is the kids and our jobs. He avoids conflict, always has. So we both give up trying.

 

This is a terrific web site. I'll be here for a while I think!

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

This is a terrific web site. I'll be here for a while I think!

 

 

ME TOO!