Author Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I think he truly loved me and still does. I do not think he will love someone else " MORE" but rather, differently. Your right though, thanks to love shack I am moving on. If I did not read a lot about break ups and relationships, I would have accepted his offer to hang out with him and allow him to have me in the same manner in which he had my during the relationship. MOST people who are not on love shack, who were in my position, would absolutely hang onto their ex. My ex said (and his journal said) - he is still crazy about me - he still loves me enough to marry me - he wants to wait and be best friends and not see other people until I change and get over my issues - he does not want to move on to anyone else for a very very long time Most girls who are not screwed over, told their ex no longer loves them, or are left for another women, WOULD JUMP at this opportunity to see their ex!!! I, on the other hand, know better because I have read about the experiences of YOU guys and others... I could have Andrew every night to hug in bed. But you know. I guess I was meant to have more than one serious partner. Most women do. And most women are better for it. ...............................
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Leigh, I have no doubt that he loved and loves you. No doubt whatsoever. And yes, he may have put up with a lot. At the end of the day, though, he THREW YOU AWAY. He basically said, "Be single. Go ahead and find someone else." Actually, I find it quite insulting that he's still being all sweet to you. He knows that that's making it 10 times as hard for you. And the crap about how he feels like you guys might or will be together again someday? HOW ****ING ARROGANT! He's putting you on the back burner and saying, "I don't want to be with you right now, but I know I could get you back if I wanted to." I would be so offended that I would tell him to piss off, and that if he ever contacted me again, he better know how to dodge bullets. Real bullets. People who truly love each other don't do this. People who truly love each other stick by each other through their issues, especially if both are trying to get better. Decent people, if they break up, are at least respectful enough to keep their space and not give any hope or confusion to the dumpee. I'm sure he loves you. My ex from a few years ago loved me, too. But he still broke up with me, and once I was past the fog, I was able to see that he was NOT the great guy I had thought he was, and that I was putting too much care into him, and not enough into me. The second I switched it and put myself first, I no longer wanted to be with someone who was stupid enough to let me go. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. You say that if he truly loved me he would not have left; which alludes to the fact that he never truly loved me at any stage, and that he will find a women he truly loves and it was not me. I do not think he will love a women " more" than he did me. I really think he would have done anything for me. I genuinely think that we were just not right for each other, although we had a lot of fun the entire time, and did experience the deepest type of love. We were literally everything to each other. Neither of us could fathom caring MORE about another human being. I can only see him loving another women MORE, if he actually spends MORE TIME with her, as in, his entire life with her; it is time and the right person that would get his love to grow deeper, yes. With the time frame he was with me though, no, I know he would not have been able to love another women MORE than he loved me, within the time frame he was with me. I think time and being with the right person for life, is what grows the absolute deepest type of love. Love grows I think. We loved each other more as time went on, so yes, in that regard we will both love someone more. I know that for the time period we were together, it was as strong a kind of love as you can feel. For a 2.5 year period.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I think there are stages of your life when your not ready to experience 100% love with a partner. I think I was pretty close, however: I think in my experience, I had issues within myself that help me back from the 100% love that lasts forever I also think Andrew has issues too. I can see myself having as better ability to love others and be loved more BY the right man, once I know myself a bit better, which will come from being alone and still learning to love life anyway, and not needing a guy. I know that I will prefer to have a loving life partner. I never thought it appealed to me before, and I frankly, thought the idea of one person for life was fcking boring as hell. Andrew taught me that hey, it was fun having a constant person in my life. At least I Never got bored of him. We kept getting more interested to each other. I at least know I need that in my next partner one day too! I know I need a man who always lights up when he sees me, and who is just as excited to see me 10 years down the track. I like men who have blue eyes and preferably light brown or blonde hair lol
happydate Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) And why do I make you feel better? Because you seem to believe that I'm pining away over a guy who never really loved me that much? Or is it because you know that he's not thinking much about me? Whatever. I experienced a very loving relationship with a man that I believe is still in love with me. The fact that I took my issues out on him does not make me some horrible person. I am nice far more than I am evil. Your not going to make me believe that my ex never loved me that much, or that he has fallen out of love with me. I have issues and that's why he left. I was not working on my own life when we were together, and we could both see that I clearly needed to be alone to grow. The break up does not read to me like he lacked enough love to marry me or spend his life with me. I know him, and I honestly feel he will be back. One day. I don't care how much you act like I am some loser with nothing to be happy about. I am actually very happy and I really enjoy life, even though I miss him. I know that I will find another guy who loves me one day. I know I will move on with no contact. I just think there is a chance that his love for me really is strong enough to stick around if he does not move on and fall for another I think that while I remain no contact, he will think about me a lot. I read his journal the last time we met. It said that he thinks of me a lot every day and that he felt that he loved me as much as he could love a women. I know it's wrong to snoop. I was collecting my things and found it. I didn't even know what it was at first. I need ppl to talk about how they are struggling during NC. I do not need ppl to allude to feeling sorry for me or proclaiming to know how Andrew really never gave a shyte about me. I have a lot going for me and with therapy I cannot see how I will be anything less than thrilled with my life. I think I am doing remarkably well considering I am genuinely happy most of the time, even though I have lost my dogs and bf Because you are currently mourning about your lost of your BF that you felt he's the only one. There is a reason why you guys are together and why you guys are apart, because when you guys are together, both of you learn the lessons required to advance your spiritual growth to the next level. The Universe has an interesting way of teaching us love and the best way to do it is through pain. Relationships being intimate, friends and families are there to teach us the pain. Out of this pain evolves and hopefully become the unconditional love you will develop with all beings. You are not there yet as you seemed to think that love ONLY EXIST through external sources like a boyfriend, husband, life mate etc.. This is FALSE ILLUSION and will only make you more sad, despair etc. It is because once you are healed, you will meet another man again and the bar of love will be raised and then you may either dump him or he dumps you again. But this will be a different man, better than Andrew but just not there quite yet with you or maybe right at your level. You may experience a number of these relationships throughout your life and if you decide to learn from them by improving yourself, thus raising your internal need for love, you can fill that void inside your heart with your own love. When that is done, then you can truly love yourself and be ok being alone. When you meet "The One" finally, you can then truly love him the same way as you love yourself. If "The One" leaves, there is no void in your heart to heal anyhow because there wasn't any. But that's pretty rare, because once you truly love yourself you will be able to love all creations of god. Andrew is not to blame here. Andrew was there to be the vehicle of your spiritual growth, your teacher, in regards to love. Or maybe you are his teacher of love. The next Andrew, I assure you, will be a better Andrew and then another better better Andrew comes along. Why? Because if you heal and forgive these people, you will raise yourself in regards to love. Then with the Laws of Attraction, like attracts like. The more loving you are to yourself will attract a man that also is more loving to himself. There are a lot of them you know, but you are not attracting them because your level of spiritual love is lower. You can not go to grade 4 without graduating from grade 3 so to speak. If you're stuck at grade 3 wanting a man in grade 4, then you are never going to see this man. Likewise men from grade 5 and beyond. Also, you need to be aware with your friends associating. You need to be ready to shed old friends and embrace new friends just the same that if you want to ascent to grade 4 or 5, you can not keep grade 3 friends because they are the ones that will impede your growth, your quest to know a better Andrew. Which is the main reasons why some women and men keep lurking exes around and then dating new guys will find themselves difficult to find a new love and be happy as they are stuck in the same levels as they left their old love! So the bottom line is this. If you think of what I explained to be true, the healing and NC are natural ways of forgetting him as I did with many of my exes. They are just fond memories, but my feelings for them no longer exists as I love myself even more. In fact, it is through this experience that I had met the most exciting, caring, supportive and loving females and everyone of them are better than the last women I dated. It's weird, but I think that's because I've graduated to higher levels of love and that god think I'm ready to love women that are more loving. This I find to be true and that's why I'm so happy dating. Hope this helps. Edited May 17, 2013 by happydate
tinker683 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 You say that if he truly loved me he would not have left; which alludes to the fact that he never truly loved me at any stage, and that he will find a women he truly loves and it was not me. I'm sure he did love you, just as my ex loved me. But she didn't love me enough to overcome her own problems and treat me as a partner in a relationship so that her and I could grow together, in spite of the fact that that's what she told me she wanted. I do not think he will love a women " more" than he did me. I really think he would have done anything for me. Except stay, evidently I genuinely think that we were just not right for each other, although we had a lot of fun the entire time, and did experience the deepest type of love. We were literally everything to each other. Neither of us could fathom caring MORE about another human being. I imagine the two of you cared for each other very deeply but I'm skeptical to your claim about experiencing the "deepest type" of love as that seems incredibly subjective to me. From the outside, it would seem to me that you didn't experience the deepest type of love by virtue of the fact that you two are no longer together!! Everything else you said, while poetic and may have elements of truth to it, I feel kind of miss the whole point. Your relationship is over. Whatever happened to you, however special it may be, is at an end. If he loved you as deeply as you said he did, then he would continue to keep fighting for you. My ex told me that she adored me utterly, that she wanted to spend her life with me. Her and I made plans to move into a place together, we actually PLANNED OUT how we were going to have kids and how we would handle raising them. But then things got difficult in her life and she pushed me away and got close to another guy. After three months of being largely ignored I finally decided I deserved better and I broke it off. Two months after our break up I learned she's been dating this other guy. I'm sure at some point in time she did truly care for me...but if she did love me and wanted me as much as she promised me too then she shouldn't have behaved the way she did. Her actions spoke far louder than everything she ever said to me and in the end, she decided that I simply wasn't worth her effort anymore, just as your guy did. That you still worry about his feelings and that you still care for him is incredibly sweet of you...but misplaced. You need to realize that whatever it is he feels for you, he'll be OK. He will get over you and he will find someone else and he will be happy again. If you continue to worry about his feelings though, you will not. You will continue to dwell in this place where you are now. You will continue to suffer. It's sweet you're worrying so much about him but please do yourself a favor and starting worrying about YOUR feelings...else you're going to remain stuck in pain. He made his choice. It's time for you to make the same one for yourself. 1
Art_Critic Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 getting over someone many times can be as easy as getting under someone new 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 You say that if he truly loved me he would not have left; which alludes to the fact that he never truly loved me at any stage, and that he will find a women he truly loves and it was not me. Leigh, you are practically goading people to say things like that by your refusal to impose a BIT of discipline upon yourself with regards to obsessively carrying on and on about minute details regarding his feelings. I DO believe he loved / loves you. He could not stay in the relationship. He is serious about that. That is what you really need to keep in mind, much much more than all this insane, circular, rambling self-talk you're indulging in. Frankly, it comes off as nonsensical. I realize that it's impossible to stop that when you're going through a heartbreak, a rejection, and grief. You can't STOP, but you CAN stop running with it to such a whacky extreme. If Andrew is living inside of your head, and you not only never stop obsessing about him, but won't even stop putting it all out here many times over with the exact same sentences, even - it seems that you are not even trying. Because indulging like this is NOT "no contact." I do not think he will love a women " more" than he did me. I really think he would have done anything for me. His future love life is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and you are driving yourself into a very bad place by insisting that it is. You also do not really have the complete masterful insight into his feelings that you keep insisting you have. NOBODY has that with another person. That is because they ARE ANOTHER PERSON. Not an extension of you. You have profound boundary issues, expressed in multitudes of ways here - including reading his journal (that this type of guy would write in a journal has me scratching my head - maybe you've manufactured this "journal" to provide "evidence" that you know all of his feelings? but whatever) Just keep it simple, can you try? You love Andrew. Andrew loved you, and maybe he still does. Andrew has decided that he can no longer be in a relationship with you. You feel terrible about that. And here you are today. Time to take some baby steps towards moving on. THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE SWITCHING OBSESSIONS TO HOW TO CHOOSE CASUAL SEX PARTNERS. Baby steps. And after you get some distance from the immediate pain of this break up, maybe you can address some of the ways that your own behavior negatively affected the potential health of your relationship with Andrew. I'm sure you tortured him. I know this because I have always followed your threads and you've shared a lot about that. If he wasn't kind of messed up himself, he would have realized long ago that this was not healthy. That doesn't mean he never loved you or that he didn't find it painful to break up. Try to do right by yourself. Please. 4
cavalier99 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 You completly let go by stayng NC 100 percent and with the passage of time and living your life. Simple but hard. It isnt rocket science. Cry mourn ecetera then stop thinking about him as much as you can. Control your mind and emotions. Obsever them objectivly for what they are. And dont snowball your thoughts! Cav 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 I am hoping to get it right next time, and end up with a man for.... well, for life preferably! I am hoping I will not have to go through several relationships - my goal is to really wait and prefer to be single, unless a man comes along where I think it could work long term. I know people my age who end up with the same guy for their entire life. I also tend to think some of these people are just settling.. That you know, it is easier to stick with someone you love a lot, rather than finding that... person you really passionate and crazy in love with. And your right - we will both go on and love someone else a little more. Although I DO NOT think the type of love we felt for each other was half baked like some people here implied. I think it will be hard for both of us to find someone who we love this much; it will not just be easy to come across someone like each other.. We had an inexplicable vibe towards each other the second we spoke. We had never had it before, so... I think the next time around, I have a better chance of lasting with the person, because I will be in a better place in life, and I will know so much more about myself.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 I truly believe that I have learnt a lot about myself, as people do with all their relationships. Last time I tried a relationship, I hated the idea of relationships. Frankly, I found the idea really boring - to be with one person for a period of time. The notion of experiencing different people on a more casual basis seemed way more interesting. I was anorexic and had no friends and was totally weird and different to most girls who you know, have developed themselves more. I jumped into a relationship when I was just... in no position to be in one. The love we had is what kept us together, and in the end, we had a lot of fun and it never got boring. ................................................... I Know what I need in a man, basically... when I think of me with a man in the DISTANT future, I imagine: - someone who I smile and laugh around often, without them having to literally tell a funny joke.. just the way they are and their smile will make me laugh - year later, I will still light up and smile when I see them, and same with him for me - a decent and respectful man who is stable and aware of their feelings for me; who would talk to me if their feelings were changing and the R was not working for them - I do not like men who do not communicate, and keep sh8te to themselves, until they leave their partner out of the blue.. all because they did not have the balls or emotional intelligence and communications skills to TALK about things before they snow balled. - I need an affectionate guy who likes to hold my hand and is not afraid of doing so in front of his friends - I need them to love and adore me and be crazy about me, instead of settling me for me if they are lonely and they just " like me" well enough.... - I want a man who DOES NOT readily call girls gorgeous or beautiful every time he meets a new girl; I like a man who withholds his affection for girls he SERIOUSLY likes. - they need to be keen to TRAVEL with me. I cannot relate to people who have no desire to travel, and would rather spend all their money on kids and cars and houses. - I do not want kids So I know the type of relationship that I am shooting for in the future. I would not have known all that if I had not had not fallen in love with my ex. I DO NOT need: good looking men, men with money, or men who spend a lot of money on me, showering me with gifts to show their love.
BC1980 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Look, it's awful. We have all been there. I dated a guy in college for 2 yrs. I ended up deciding to move to another city for grad school to be away from him. Out of sight, out of mind. Guess what? My feelings for him faded. I was so crazy about him at the time, but feelings change if not nurtured. That was 10 yrs. ago, and I went completely NC with him from the start. I have talked to him since, and I am very indifferent to him. I genuinely do not care that he is married with a child. I call him a friend because we do have a history, and I will always have warm feelings towards him. We don't hang out; that is inappropriate, but he we chat from time to time on facebook. Look, I am totally indifferent to this guy and barely think about him. Yet at one time, I was crazy about him. I promise that your relationship is no better or worse than the one I just mentioned. These epic love stories in the movies don't exist. Judging from your posts, you really have not accepted that you are not with Andrew. I think you are in denial even though you claim not to be. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 Look, it's awful. We have all been there. I dated a guy in college for 2 yrs. I ended up deciding to move to another city for grad school to be away from him. Out of sight, out of mind. Guess what? My feelings for him faded. I was so crazy about him at the time, but feelings change if not nurtured. That was 10 yrs. ago, and I went completely NC with him from the start. I have talked to him since, and I am very indifferent to him. I genuinely do not care that he is married with a child. I call him a friend because we do have a history, and I will always have warm feelings towards him. We don't hang out; that is inappropriate, but he we chat from time to time on facebook. Look, I am totally indifferent to this guy and barely think about him. Yet at one time, I was crazy about him. I promise that your relationship is no better or worse than the one I just mentioned. These epic love stories in the movies don't exist. Judging from your posts, you really have not accepted that you are not with Andrew. I think you are in denial even though you claim not to be. Thanks, it helps me a lot to hear that I too will become indifferent to him. I will always care though, and we both very much want to chat in the future, we both really like each other as people. I do realise my relationship is no different to others who were really in love. I do see myself getting over him! I am not in denial now, I am at he stage of missing him because I know this is for ever.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 Metal chick - Your right, but my goal is to really be comfortable and okay with being single, and to be strong enough on my own two feet before welcoming a man into my life. Further, my GOAL is to last with a guy for as long as possible. I see a lot of 15 plus year relationships that are going strong.. I do not see why I will not get lucky with my next love, one day in the future.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 True. When you keep convincing yourself that "he'll be back", you're not really out of the relationship. It's only when you accept that they'll never be back and the breakup feels like it's happening all over again... that's when it's over. I do accept he won't come back. It was at initially and while we were still together, that I was under the false illusion that the love he had for me was too strong; I envisaged him coming back. I do not relate to how I once felt; through listening to others and going NC I am realising that he will move on, rather than stay in love and wanting me. And I will not go through the initial break up stage all over again - the day he left, that was the most full on part. I collapsed and screamed out in pain for him to " please don't leave me please please" Now there will be no begging or crying or collapsing. I will cry SOME nights but you know, I will not feel hopeless, like I cannot move on from him. I can see I will find love again now and am looking forward to it, where as before I could not even entertain the idea of us both wanting to move on. I may have a strong flash of pain, after I realise that he is not breaking NC and that no he is NOT coming back... But it will not be the same as the day he left. I have already processed too much.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 True, I do not want a relationship to last a long as possible if it is not a healthy and loving relationship. I meant to say that: I want a relationship like the one my parents have together; still happily married after 30 years. They still light up when they see each other. It is a very healthy and loving relationship. Of course my goal is to find the right guy who I last a life time with, in the best way possible. Surely you want you relationships to work and last?
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 I believe in love and I believe that I will find the right person. I see people in their mid to late 20;s ending up in happy relationships for life, and I am not going to assume I will not experience this either. I am expecting to go on and be happy. I have not let go 100% of Andrew yet, but with NC that will change. I still cannot process that he will never sleep next to me again, as we were very close with hugging every night in our sleep. I will accept it fully with strict no contact.
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