Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) What does it take to let go 100%? Yes I know NC is crucial. I am not sure my ex will move on and realise that he does not want another relationship with me once I start to get past my issues? I WANT EXPERIENCES from others about how NC healed them, and how their ex just moved on from them even though their ex did genuinely love them at he time of the break up. I only want real stories about how other people moved on with NC, and how their exes did not want them back the way you thought they would. I am committed to NC, however; I am not certain that he will lose his love for me, and forget about wanting a relationship with me again. He just seemed to love me so much the last time we saw each other, and he said he " could just feel" that we would end up together again one day, when I had seen a therapist. We were excited and thrilled to be around each other until the very end; we did not lose that feeling you get at the beginning. My parents also have that with each other, and it is a clear sign to me that he R may be worth re visiting one day. Anyone want to share their experience with maintaining NC with an ex who they thought would want them back? Did your ex ever break NC to ask for another chance? Logically, I know it is unlikely that he will, but still. I want to hear stories about such experiences. Edited May 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Inappropriate language redacted
aisuru Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Go read everything everybody has already told you. Go read everything everybody is telling everybody else. You are not different. Andrew is not different. Your relationship is not different. Accepting that will help you tremendously. 5
Skipper888 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 grow up, accept it, stop thinking, stop talking about it. move on 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I guess I still think he will come back one day. I am no different though, and 99.9% of guys do get over their exes, no matter how much they loved them. It is completely pointless to think that I am the 1% of women who have men who love them so much that their love comes back one day in the future. I am getting busy and getting out of the house, see ya all later.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 1. He says things you want to hear. 2. You hear things that make you think something more is going on, but in reality it is not. 3. You feel things that aren't there. 4. You are delusional. 5. You are wrong. 6. You are delusional. It is so obvious to others. There is nothing special, unique or one-of-a-kind about this, EXCEPT the way you preceieve it...Do you really think everyone who has commented/bashed/ripped you up are just trying to upset you? no, it is just extremely obvious to everyone but you. Sorry... 2
aisuru Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I'm enjoying this way too much. I'm using LS as a replacement for emailing xMM. I've replaced one drug with another... OMG, me too... *sigh* For some inexplicable reason, been having to fight the urge to email him more than I have in awhile. UGH. Please keep this drama going. Makes me feel much better about myself. 2
happydate Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) What does it take to let go 100%? Yes I know NC is crucial. I am not sure my ex will move on and realise that he does not want another relationship with me once I start to get past my issues? I WANT EXPERIENCES from others about how NC healed them, and how their ex just moved on from them even though their ex did genuinely love them at he time of the break up. I only want real stories about how other people moved on with NC, and how their exes did not want them back the way you thought they would. I am committed to NC, however; I am not certain that he will lose his love for me, and forget about wanting a relationship with me again. He just seemed to love me so much the last time we saw each other, and he said he " could just feel" that we would end up together again one day, when I had seen a therapist. We were excited and thrilled to be around each other until the very end; we did not lose that feeling you get at the beginning. My parents also have that with each other, and it is a clear sign to me that he R may be worth re visiting one day. Anyone want to share their experience with maintaining NC with an ex who they thought would want them back? Did your ex ever break NC to ask for another chance? Logically, I know it is unlikely that he will, but still. I want to hear stories about such experiences. Forgive and forget is the best way to move on. Forgiveness is releasing the master key to cut the etheric cords between you and him. Once you forgive him for what he did to you, then you are on your way to healing. If you do not forgive him, then you're treating yourself as a victim and you want him back because you are. It is human nature to want an EX back. The connection is not only physical, but deeply spiritual as well. That's why NC with some spiritual work can help heal the heart faster. Guys heal faster because they meet another woman, most to all sins are forgiven. Women, however, are child bearers and nurturers of kids and nesters so they tend to stay more loyal to their men. Therefore, women need to do a lot of internal spiritual healing of the heart before it is healed. Hope this helps. Edited May 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited quote
aisuru Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 "For some inexplicable reason, been having to fight the urge to email him more than I have in awhile. UGH" Urgh, that sucks. I always feel the urge to email. Thankfully, I'm a stubborn wench and just can't make myself do it. The OM/OW part of the forum can get a bit heavy. And I think it facilitates dwelling. This is much more fun. I feel like I can fix ***** over here. Exactly why I'm over here. I'm just talking to myself when I post advice. But damnit, why can't he contact me once!? *I know, I know* GRRRRR. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Guys heal faster because they meet another woman, most to all sins are forgiven. Women, however, are child bearers and nurturers of kids and nesters so they tend to stay more loyal to their men. Therefore, women need to do a lot of internal spiritual healing of the heart before it is healed. Ummm. OK... Not sure I agree with this??
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 And why do I make you feel better? Because you seem to believe that I'm pining away over a guy who never really loved me that much? Or is it because you know that he's not thinking much about me? Whatever. I experienced a very loving relationship with a man that I believe is still in love with me. The fact that I took my issues out on him does not make me some horrible person. I am nice far more than I am evil. Your not going to make me believe that my ex never loved me that much, or that he has fallen out of love with me. I have issues and that's why he left. I was not working on my own life when we were together, and we could both see that I clearly needed to be alone to grow. The break up does not read to me like he lacked enough love to marry me or spend his life with me. I know him, and I honestly feel he will be back. One day. I don't care how much you act like I am some loser with nothing to be happy about. I am actually very happy and I really enjoy life, even though I miss him. I know that I will find another guy who loves me one day. I know I will move on with no contact. I just think there is a chance that his love for me really is strong enough to stick around if he does not move on and fall for another I think that while I remain no contact, he will think about me a lot. I read his journal the last time we met. It said that he thinks of me a lot every day and that he felt that he loved me as much as he could love a women. I know it's wrong to snoop. I was collecting my things and found it. I didn't even know what it was at first. I need ppl to talk about how they are struggling during NC. I do not need ppl to allude to feeling sorry for me or proclaiming to know how Andrew really never gave a shyte about me. I have a lot going for me and with therapy I cannot see how I will be anything less than thrilled with my life. I think I am doing remarkably well considering I am genuinely happy most of the time, even though I have lost my dogs and bf
TaraMaiden Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Leigh - you are SO not getting this.... As has been said: You need to STOP thinking about how NC is affecting him, and what he's feeling, why and how deeply. You need to focus, completely, on you, what NC is doing for you, how it's purely and simply for you and that frankly, how it's affecting him really doesn't matter. You should not give a flying fat pig's ass how NC is from his PoV. We. Don't. Care. You've gone NC, so drop him off your radar, and stop talking about him. THis is part of NC. To quit thinking, diagnosing reaffirming, and concentrating on how he felt, how he feels and how he will feel. It doesn't matter. You need to quit protesting about this. Do whatever you need to do to quit bringing him up all the time. NC is about/for you. ("Criticism".....) 4
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 And I know very well what NC is all about Most ppl who have not read about the importance of no contact will often try to remain in contact. They feel any little bit of hope means that their life will be okay again. Now, I have lost my dogs and boyfriend and I still remain no contact. I am aware of what NC is and I know that, although I may relapse: I will have a great life ahead of me without him. Most ppl I come across in real life tend to cling to genuinely false hope.... they think the fact their ex texts hello I miss u, that it means their ex wants them back. I, on the other hand, have an ex who has said that he does not think he will get over me and that his love feels too strong to dissipate entirely. He has stressed that he does not want tbis break up to be forever, but rather until I seek therapy for my issues. I am STILL staying no contact , IN SPITE OF ALL THIS. I think I am incredibly strong to stick to no contact. I am also a positive person and feel that I will still love life more often than not, even while I miss him terribly. I know about no contact more than most people around. The vast majority of ppl don't implement nc. And I see how they suffer for it.
Sunshine87 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Guys, The OP is going through a very recent heartbreak. Let's be kind You are still experiencing one of the stages of grief. Youre still im a bit of denial. I'm sure Andrew loved you but he didn't love you enough. Ive heard of people who have been dumped only after being told by their partners, that the loved them. People are strange. We never know what they are thinking. Some people wake up, kiss their lovers "good morning", say to them "I love you" and then dump them. How do you explain that? I know it doesn't make sense to you. How could he appear so enthralled with you one minute and the next minute he wants out? This my dear, is far more common than you think it is. With time, you will stop analysing it and obessessing over it. But it's okay for to do so now because the breakup is very fresh! I've gone NC several times. Most of my exes expressed regret after having dated other women and realises that every women has issues and no one is perfect. One of them is currently begging desparately for a second chance. No way I'm going back there! However, regarding my most recent long term relationship that ended......I don't know. He proposed to the lady he was cheating on me with and they are currently engaged. I guess the fact that they are getting married makes it seem final but who knows? I have cut him off and want absolutely nothing to do with him. Why would I? Sometimes NC makes the dumper miss you. Whether or not he will want you back is another issue. But I notice that with time, many dumps move on and don't necessarily want the dumper back either. I'm sure you and Andrew shared something special but he didn't love you enough. If he did, you wouldn't be on here. Maybe, maybe he will come back. Maybe not. Better to err on the side of caution. At the end of it all, almost doesn't count. He didn't love you enough and the moment you accept that, the better. Grief.....you are still getting over a new loss. Hugs. Xx 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I don't think you are particularly nice ppl. I mean, I have lost my best friend and man I love with all my heart. I have lost my dogs. It is incredibly callous and cold to just be like ' we don't care about your immense pain and suffering' ' just stay no contact and forget about him forever' I have a lot of f ppl in my real life who can see what a nice girl I am and who can see hiw devastating my loss is. I think I will stick to seeking support from those in my life who know and love me. Good luck with your nc Even if we crack we simyply forget about it and try not to do it again. Like quitting smoking really..... if you slip up it is not a reason to say fucck it I may as well start again. ..... slipping up and then starting the quitting process all over again is preferable.
TaraMaiden Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I don't think you are particularly nice ppl. Compassion isn't always about being 'nice'. Being nice, cruel-to-be-kind, blunt, soft.... all has the same effect here though. None. I mean, I have lost my best friend and man I love with all my heart. I have lost my dogs. It is incredibly callous and cold to just be like ' we don't care about your immense pain and suffering' Show me anywhere, where someone has said to you, "we don't care about your immense pain and suffering." Where has someone here said that to you? Proof, if it were needed, that you're reading the wrong things into this, and not listening.... just stay no contact and forget about him forever' Again. Novbody has said that. Part of NC is to QUIT talking about him. That doesn't mean 'forget about him forever.' I have a lot of f ppl in my real life who can see what a nice girl I am and who can see hiw devastating my loss is. I think I will stick to seeking support from those in my life who know and love me. Good luck with your nc So you're going to quit posting about this? I'll believe it when I see it..... even if we crack we simyply forget about it and try not to do it again. Like quitting smoking really..... if you slip up it is not a reason to say fucck it I may as well start again. ..... slipping up and then starting the quitting process all over again is preferable. No Contact is going cold turkey for the heart. Total deprivation and separation. That's what works.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Guys, The OP is going through a very recent heartbreak. Let's be kind You are still experiencing one of the stages of grief. Youre still im a bit of denial. I'm sure Andrew loved you but he didn't love you enough. Ive heard of people who have been dumped only after being told by their partners, that the loved them. People are strange. We never know what they are thinking. Some people wake up, kiss their lovers "good morning", say to them "I love you" and then dump them. How do you explain that? I know it doesn't make sense to you. How could he appear so enthralled with you one minute and the next minute he wants out? This my dear, is far more common than you think it is. With time, you will stop analysing it and obessessing over it. But it's okay for to do so now because the breakup is very fresh! I've gone NC several times. Most of my exes expressed regret after having dated other women and realises that every women has issues and no one is perfect. One of them is currently begging desparately for a second chance. No way I'm going back there! However, regarding my most recent long term relationship that ended......I don't know. He proposed to the lady he was cheating on me with and they are currently engaged. I guess the fact that they are getting married makes it seem final but who knows? I have cut him off and want absolutely nothing to do with him. Why would I? Sometimes NC makes the dumper miss you. Whether or not he will want you back is another issue. But I notice that with time, many dumps move on and don't necessarily want the dumper back either. I'm sure you and Andrew shared something special but he didn't love you enough. If he did, you wouldn't be on here. Maybe, maybe he will come back. Maybe not. Better to err on the side of caution. At the end of it all, almost doesn't count. He didn't love you enough and the moment you accept that, the better. Grief.....you are still getting over a new loss. Hugs. Xx I don't think the sort of love that he feels for me is just so easy to come by, either. We were both perpetually single as we never came across anyone that we felt strongly about. I do not think any guy, regardless of how deep their love was for me, would have stayed with me under these circumstances. I was not able to, for reasons that my psych will help me figure out, focus on my own life when I was with someone. If he didn't love me enough then I cannot see him easily finding a stronger love. I also do not think he went from being super fond of me, to waking up one day and realizing that hey he just isn't that taken with me aftet all. I just think that I am mentally ready to find myself while I am also loved up in a relationship. I tend to get lazy and use them for my primary source of joy, rather than remember to focus more on developing myself in all aspects of my life. I think he loved me as much as he could love a women. I do not think either of us will easily move and think wow I love this person so much more than my first love. Like my good friend pointed out. ....she does not love certain lovers more than others: she has loved some equally yet in a totally different way. She felt the same degree of love but with totally different men
Sunshine87 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 No contact is like those bitter vegetables that are sooo good for your body but taste dreadful. No contact the truth! You can't go wrong with it. You need to embrace it.
Charlie Harper Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 NC is the only way to heal. You need to believe it. You SAy you do but you don't, because NC means noot thinking about the other and letting go...you you clearly dont want to. As simple as that. He is missing the great person you are ! that HIS trouble. Go out and find someone you loves you and will go 100% on your relationship. HEAL
mbee Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I think it's important you focus on yourself and heal. I think that's ultimately what everyone is telling you. Here's the thing, you CAN think about this guy and his feelings for you. Actually, you will for a long time. Everyone here is telling you to stop dwelling on these things but you will continue to. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago and seems to be in love with me. I have went NC with him and literally every 48 hours he sends me some lengthy text message or Facebook message saying some cheesy stuff. I deeply love my ex but I have to let it go. Yes, I still want to talk to him and yes, I still do things everyone on this board will tell me not to, like check his Facebook. My mom gave me some good advice about all this stuff. There are things you SHOULD do but just like everyone else we are human. A month or even a week from now you might break NC. You might end up getting intimate with your ex randomly. These are things that just happen when you are in this emotional limbo. Either way, stay strong and continue with NC and as hard as it is to follow, focus on yourself. When you think constantly about your ex, you are using HIM as a motivation to get better. That's really bad. If you want to get better emotionally and mentally than try to just stay focused on you. What do you want? Try to not think once I improve myself, he'll come back. He has flaws, you have flaws. You both need to work on these issues separately. People get back together all the time but that's not something you should be focusing on. I also think it's unfair to say that your love is different from 99% of everyone else's here. It's not love that's the problem, it's the people. My ex probably loves me deeply, I do believe that, and think I cross his mind very often. However, he did not love me in a way that I deserved and has some serious improvement. Whenever I read other people's stories on here, I don't really see a lack of love. Sometimes I do, but often I see people who love their partners but don't know how to love them or are too in their own world to realize how badly their actions hurt people. That's a deep pain to get through. If your love runs that deep and if you guys didn't have any deal breakers then this may work in the long run but to answer your question, NC gets so much easier with time. Try to keep yourself busy. Seeing a therapist is good but make your life more fun too. Go out, hang out with friends, get some new hobbies, take a vacation. Have a good time! That's what life is about. You are single now and have nothing else to focus on except yourself. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I have started a new thread. Frankly, I feel much happier when I focus on the positives in my life, which are plentiful, rather than dwelling on the fact my first love did not last. Most first loves are not he last. ......................... METAL CHICK - my only issue with you is that you were a b*tch to me, and also said that Andrew will straight away lose the ability to ****kk a hooker when he meets the right girl. I happen to think that he was an addict to hookers, and in his journal he said he happily gave them up for me early on; that he did not miss then; and that he never had eyes for any other women the entire time... I do not like the tone you took when you assumed that wow, any guy who uses hookers while in a relationship cannot love their partner much. I believe most addicts continue their habits even when they are strongly in love. He ended up giving his habit up with me in the end anyway. I don't like how you think that ALL men who act a certain way, must feel a certain way. Numerous studies show that men who were addicted to hookers ARE capable of using them no matter HOW in love they are. Now that I know myself better, I now realise I dodged a bullet, and that I need a man who enjoys 100% monogamy in the same manner in which I do. I do not think Andrew will necessarily lose his ability to use a hooker irrespective of how in love he is, though, and I am not some light half baked romance you and that other chick implied that I was. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I am not obsessed with how in love he was, rather: I do not take kindly to people who do not know him well and yet assume I was nothing special to him. I feel I have to remind you that YOUR online, and did not know the real story as to how strong our love was. I do not like how people online read shyte and assume they know how people feel. I think that because he was an addict and ended up quitting his habit for me (which I READ ABOUT behind his back so he was NOT lying), that he must have loved me a fcking lot to quit and not miss those whores. I am actually secretly praying that he will find a women he loves like he loved me, and she will allow that love to flourish even MORE because she is simply the right person for him at the time in each others lives. I think we did not meet each other at the right time in each others lives, to be reallllly honest, and that neither of us will go on to love someone all that much "more" Can we post in my other thread plz? I tend to prefer to be with new friends lately and stop thinking about my past.
Sunshine87 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I don't think the sort of love that he feels for me is just so easy to come by, either. We were both perpetually single as we never came across anyone that we felt strongly about. I do not think any guy, regardless of how deep their love was for me, would have stayed with me under these circumstances. I was not able to, for reasons that my psych will help me figure out, focus on my own life when I was with someone. If he didn't love me enough then I cannot see him easily finding a stronger love. I also do not think he went from being super fond of me, to waking up one day and realizing that hey he just isn't that taken with me aftet all. I just think that I am mentally ready to find myself while I am also loved up in a relationship. I tend to get lazy and use them for my primary source of joy, rather than remember to focus more on developing myself in all aspects of my life. I think he loved me as much as he could love a women. I do not think either of us will easily move and think wow I love this person so much more than my first love. Like my good friend pointed out. ....she does not love certain lovers more than others: she has loved some equally yet in a totally different way. She felt the same degree of love but with totally different men Hmmm, so there is more to this! Now I understand better. There are some issues that you have not disclosed? So you agree that those issues were enough to end the relationship? Well your disclosure puts things into perspective and I understand now why you maintain that he still love you. There were some issues that you were dealing with and he got fed up? Or decided he could not live with them unless you changed?
Treasa Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Leigh, I have no doubt that he loved and loves you. No doubt whatsoever. And yes, he may have put up with a lot. At the end of the day, though, he THREW YOU AWAY. He basically said, "Be single. Go ahead and find someone else." Actually, I find it quite insulting that he's still being all sweet to you. He knows that that's making it 10 times as hard for you. And the crap about how he feels like you guys might or will be together again someday? HOW ****ING ARROGANT! He's putting you on the back burner and saying, "I don't want to be with you right now, but I know I could get you back if I wanted to." I would be so offended that I would tell him to piss off, and that if he ever contacted me again, he better know how to dodge bullets. Real bullets. People who truly love each other don't do this. People who truly love each other stick by each other through their issues, especially if both are trying to get better. Decent people, if they break up, are at least respectful enough to keep their space and not give any hope or confusion to the dumpee. I'm sure he loves you. My ex from a few years ago loved me, too. But he still broke up with me, and once I was past the fog, I was able to see that he was NOT the great guy I had thought he was, and that I was putting too much care into him, and not enough into me. The second I switched it and put myself first, I no longer wanted to be with someone who was stupid enough to let me go. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. 2
Emilia Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 NC is the only way to heal when you love someone very much. That love will also pass. It always does. I struggled with NC over the years, didn't always believe in it but there were times when it was the only way I could move on. Even when I felt my heart had been ripped out, the love disappeared over time and I moved on.
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