bellasue Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Just when I think I am starting to move forward! BAM! Something hits me! So I have known for ages that xMM was going to be out of town until today. I've been doing well the last week or so. It felt like I was moving on in good fashion. But today.....since I knew he was coming home, I wanted a knock on my door. Wanted him to need to see me.....wanted him to admit that he couldn't live without me. I felt so strong until evening fell......and realized it wasn't gonna happen. 1
Author bellasue Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I just think I meant a whole lotta nothing to him.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I just think I meant a whole lotta nothing to him. I dont have the intimate details of your situation..You could be right, but I doubt it..I think its natural to feel the way you do..But think about this..He could just as easily be sitting at home and thinking that the decision to end it, might be his worse regret in his life. He might be carrying the weight of the world in GUILT knowing that ending it with you was going to hurt the hell out of you (and him), and the guilt of betraying his wife and family...Its horrible.. Point is stop worrying about it and thinking you didnt "win" because he didnt care. Id be willing to bet he cares immensely. The scales just didnt tip in your favor.. I wish you well.. TFY 4
whichwayisup Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Use this to push your forward and make yourself see the real reality so you'll stop having hope that he'll come back. This doesn't mean you have to minimize what you felt for him and the times you shared with together, it's getting yourself in the mindset that it truly IS over and he isn't coming back. Why think bad stuff and be negative, that he never cared for you at all? Obviously he did but it was an affair and affairs eventually end.. Take the positive and make sure you work on your self esteem. Don't let this bozo or any other guy make you feel like crap about yourself. YOU ARE lovable, and one day when you've healed and are ready, a great guy (single!) will walk into your life. It's okay to cry and grieve the loss, just don't beat up on yourself or let yourself get too depressed. GO spend time with friends and family, keep busy and laugh too, even if you don't feel like it, do it anyway, it'll make a difference. 2
Author bellasue Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Thanks TFY and Whichwayisup. The moment passed later. It's just so hard to go from talking every day to not at all and I can't believe he wouldn't feel something. All the perceived disconnect is rising again. How do people ditch and run? Just a rhetorical question. : ) 1
chaser0195 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I feel for you. I can remember being gone for over a week and I thought for sure that when I seen him again he'd be all over me again but he wasn't and it hurt like crazy. I had my hopes up so high and imagined him runnning to me telling me he missed me. When that didn't happen I was hurt and mad. Get mad at him! Use that emotion to your advantage. In my experience, it's easier to move on when you are mad and hate someone. Chin up! It's an exhausting but doable.
SweetBella1 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Thanks TFY and Whichwayisup. The moment passed later. It's just so hard to go from talking every day to not at all and I can't believe he wouldn't feel something. All the perceived disconnect is rising again. How do people ditch and run? Just a rhetorical question. : ) How does someone just Ditch and Run...oh honey, how many times I've pondered that same thing over the past 5 weeks. How does someone just make a clean break like that, after so much emotion, friendship and passion? I just don't know either. It's heart wrenching. Your emotions have been on "hold" while xMM was out of town and now they're back in action again. I know exactly how you're feeling because every single day I question how my xMM just walked away without trying to work it out. There was no reason we had to end. If you want to email me, feel free. Hang in there.
SweetBella1 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 (edited) Doubtful, but he made his decision. Don't dwell on something you can't control. To get my mind off of my WH's affair, I made a "bucket list" of sorts and actually tried new activities. Some worked out and some did not, but they all helped me take my mind off the affair for a few minutes. A fellow BS that I know started training for a marathon even though she had never run previously. She said that the moment she crossed the finish line, she knew that she was going to be okay. The point is, your self-worth should not be tied into what HE thinks of you, but of what YOU think about yourself. I know - easier said than done. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time. Such great advice, alreadygone. I bolded the parts that I keep reminding myself. I've been doing this to some extent - doing things to try to stay active and minimize the ever-present, obsessive thoughts of xMM. But I haven't been doing nearly enough. I need to do more. I'm just so depressed, still. 5 weeks later. UGH!! I told my H about the A earlier in the week. He has been incredibly supportive and understanding but I fear I may have told him too soon, I'm still pining for xMM and it's only a matter of time before H puts 2 and 2 together and realizes that my sadness is because the A wasn't just sex for me, it was love. I love H and I love xMM in totally different ways and for different reasons. H is real, he won't leave my side no matter how screwed up I am. xMM left me the first time we hit a curve in the road. At the end of the day, that's the bottom line. Edited May 17, 2013 by SweetBella1
Author bellasue Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Yes I do want his love, but I do love him as well. I really regret the affair in it's totality. I'd like to travel back in time when we were just friends. So much more simple then.
Author bellasue Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 Pierre: You are absolutely correct. I need to get past thinking about what he might or might not be feeling and focus on me. I'm getting there....slowly but surely.
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