How many of you are honest at some point when it comes to dating about your intention

May 16, 2013

Are you truly honest about what you want? Do you give the person honesty about how you feel about them? Are you ambiguous about your feelings and in general about interactions with the opposite sex? Are you honest with yourself about what you want?

May 17, 2013

Well let me see....I'm going to contradict myself here so be prepared. lol

If someone were to ask me in the beginning stages what I'm looking for, I would hold back a little. I wouldn't call it being dishonest but I think it's a hard question to answer when you don't really know someone and I also don't want to come on too strong.

I would usually say something like that I was ultimately looking for a relationship but I'm not in a hurry to get there. I don't want someone to think I'm looking to get married next week but yet also want guys to know that I am looking for a relationship.

However at this point I'm in a casual relationship partly because I got so tired of dating and looking for a relationship I decided to just take a break and enjoy what I had going on, even though I knew it wasn't going anywhere.

With this guy I told him that I was looking for something that would grow into a relationship and since I knew he was newly divorced I'm assuming we're looking for different things therefore would date him but keep my eyes open for something more 'real'. He was fine with it.

But in some ways I'm lying to myself because I really would like a relationship I just got tired of looking for it.

With other guys I have met, even if I'm crazy about them I usually hold back in the beginning just to not come across too strong. I wouldn't call it dishonesty as much as trying to not put all the cards on the table too soon.

May 17, 2013

I'm honest because 1. I know EXACTLY what kind of R I'm interested in, and 2. I suck at lying.

May 17, 2013

Well let me see....I'm going to contradict myself here so be prepared. lol

If someone were to ask me in the beginning stages what I'm looking for, I would hold back a little. I wouldn't call it being dishonest but I think it's a hard question to answer when you don't really know someone and I also don't want to come on too strong.

See, that's the thing. I don't think to what extent you know the person is even a factor to be considered in answering that question. I know what I want: a dating relationship that has the potential to lead towards marriage and children. I feel comfortable saying that before I even meet a person, to you, to a guy, to a grocery store clerk, to my mailman. That's what I'm looking for. To pussyfoot around that seems really...silly, and a huge waste of time. Why not be honest from the get go, and only date people who are looking for the same thing? I've been able to next a ton of guys this way, as well as explore real potential with those who feel the same way.

May 17, 2013

See, that's the thing. I don't think to what extent you know the person is even a factor to be considered in answering that question. I know what I want: a dating relationship that has the potential to lead towards marriage and children. I feel comfortable saying that before I even meet a person, to you, to a guy, to a grocery store clerk, to my mailman. That's what I'm looking for. To pussyfoot around that seems really...silly, and a huge waste of time. Why not be honest from the get go, and only date people who are looking for the same thing? I've been able to next a ton of guys this way, as well as explore real potential with those who feel the same way.

Well I think some of that comes from the fact that we're in two different places. I've done that already and I'm not always sure if I want it again since my divorce.

My kids are grown, one in college and one in High School. Sometimes I really want someone to fall asleep with every night and sometimes I can't imagine sharing my life with someone again to that extent. So that's why I'm ambivalent and I tend to tread carefully around that subject.

If I met the right person and it felt right I would give up my single life in a heartbeat. But yet I guess since I tend to vacillate between the two I don't feel like I always have an honest answer to that question.

I see exactly where you're coming from though and I think it's good to have a clear answer as for what you're looking for. Because then you're quicker to rule out the guys who's goals don't align with yours. I get that completely.

May 17, 2013

I generally go on the assumption that if nothing is said, it means you're both in it for something that could turn serious. I mean, isn't that really the point of dating?

If I meet someone who I cannot see a future with, and just want to have some fun, then I'll tell them that. 'I don't want anything serious to come from this, if you feel the same and are interested in still hanging out and having some fun, then we'll continue. But you need to know that my feelings won't change, and you have to understand that.'

It doesn't always work, because guys haven't always been honest about how they really felt about that. Then I end it, and they're surprised.

Anyway, I guess going on the assumption that everyone is in it for something serious, unless they state otherwise, has served me well enough.

I've never been asked by a guy what I want from a relationship though, and I'm not sure how I'd react in that situation.

May 17, 2013

Well I think some of that comes from the fact that we're in two different places.

I didn't say we were; I asked what the point was of not being honest from the get go. I mean, you said this:

If I met the right person and it felt right I would give up my single life in a heartbeat.

But you also said this:

But in some ways I'm lying to myself because I really would like a relationship I just got tired of looking for it.

So, what I'm wondering is, why not say something like, "I'm looking for a relationship. I'm not interested in marriage, as I've already done that, but I'm not interested in something that appears indefinitely casual either."

?

May 17, 2013

I'm honest as well, if I'm asked. I'm looking for a long term relationship. Although, like curlygirl, the details of what exactly I want are not exactly clear in my own mind. I mean, I could do marriage, but I could also do just relationship. All I know is that whatever it is, I want a monogamous thing, not the fwb. Beyond that, the details are blurry though, I couldn't spell them out for someone.

May 17, 2013

I think some people are vague about it because they don't really know what they are looking for. (Perhaps they should say that they don't really know, but it's a question that invites an answer.)

I saw (in a dating profile) a great pre-emptive answer to the question. She said that she was looking for short-term dating because it's fun but with a view to it becoming long-term because that's more fun.

May 17, 2013

I realized that I am taking my own confusion into my dating life. It's simple for me: I can't get into a relationship before I accomplish goal X. I know myself and the potential to derail my life with lurve so...instead of giving confusing "casual" but not really vibes, I have taken myself off the market completely until the goal X is accomplished. After that, I am looking for something very serious and I plan to be upfront about it. If it scares anyone, screw them.

May 17, 2013

So, what I'm wondering is, why not say something like, "I'm looking for a relationship. I'm not interested in marriage, as I've already done that, but I'm not interested in something that appears indefinitely casual either."

?

That's a really good line I like that. I think my problem comes from the fact that I tend to not always know what I want or what I'm ready for. My marriage was so miserable that I ran from it for a while, then I came to a point where I really wanted it and felt ready for it, and now I'm just feeling kind of 'meh' about the whole thing. So I think for me it's just a factor of where I'm at at the time.

I think if I really soul search, a relationship is something that I really want in the long run (hence why I said I was lying to myself if I say I don't want it) but I'm starting to doubt if it's in the cards for me. I'm not sure why I feel that way lately, I feel like I've been let down recently by a few men that I was really close to and I think I'm starting to harden about the whole idea of it. But yet this doesn't jive with my philosophy of 'everything happens for a reason' and my law of attraction beliefs so I think I'm struggling with all of that.

I'm going to take the summer mostly to myself and not look for it and try to figure some things out and then put myself back out there in the fall. I need to be more honest with what I want and not settle for something that doesn't align with those goals. Advice I'm always giving to others on these boards!

May 17, 2013

Are you truly honest about what you want? Do you give the person honesty about how you feel about them? Are you ambiguous about your feelings and in general about interactions with the opposite sex? Are you honest with yourself about what you want?

I'm very honest. The other person's intentions and feelings have no bearing on how I feel.

May 17, 2013

I'm honest IMMEDIATELY.

It mystifies me that so many are not.

Because dating has been pretty much turned into a competition/game. There are so many stages you have to progress through -- friendship, just sex, dating, exclusivity, etc -- whilst trying to figure out which stage the other person is at and whether they want to stay where they are or progress, all the whilst giving you misleading hints/gestures because they themselves aren't quite sure what they want.

Say even the slightest of things -- like "I really enjoy spending time with you" -- then boom, you've suddenly scared them and destroyed all progress you've made. That's why so many people hold back and can't be truthful with their intentions 100% of the time. Nowadays you have no choice but to play your cards close to your chest.

May 17, 2013

Say even the slightest of things -- like "I really enjoy spending time with you" -- then boom, you've suddenly scared them and destroyed all progress you've made. That's why so many people hold back and can't be truthful with their intentions 100% of the time. Nowadays you have no choice but to play your cards close to your chest.

I dont. Playing around its wasting time. If you are mature and not a prima donna or too insecure, you will actually like the honesty of someone telling you, they are interested.

I Do, Not right away but I try to get to know the person if I feel there is a connection, chemistry and physical attraction. I talk about my history, family, my career and my attitude towards life, if I feel the other person is compatible I tell them. I try not to be too scary and strong but I let them know, joking or saying things like: I am glad I had the chance to meet you and know you seems we are quite compatible isnt it? and see from the answer if I go further till I say something along the lines of "I really like you, I dont know if this will come to something more serious, I am not trying to push this to a serious relationship right now, but I want you to know I am interested and I hope we can become very good friends and see where it goes, do you agree?

After this I have received as answers:

I like you too, but I am married (they kept that important info!!)

Now I am in a duel due to a guy I love and havent recovered so I am not looking for a serious relationship

A big Hug and I like you too, and Thanks.

A kiss

Tears, and She telling me She is happy I am being honest.

How many women fall for that? I bet you are a womanizer! How many?

OF course I have recieved others but this are the general answers.....Not bad I think

Its risky but why wait?

May 17, 2013

Say even the slightest of things -- like "I really enjoy spending time with you" -- then boom, you've suddenly scared them and destroyed all progress you've made. That's why so many people hold back and can't be truthful with their intentions 100% of the time. Nowadays you have no choice but to play your cards close to your chest.

You get what you attract. I'm honest and I tend to attract honest people

May 17, 2013

I am Dutch, we are famous for being stupidly honest ...some people even consider us rude..

I think honesty has everything to do with being proud of who you are, your actions and your intentions, I value honesty and integrity above anything and it is what I always offer.

May 17, 2013

I am always honest about my intentions. I've been accused of being too honest and too honest about subject matter too soon, eg. sex.

I'm 44, had the great marriage, loved, physically active and looking for someone who is passionate about life and having a healthy, active sex life....I KNOW WHAT I WANT, so no time to waste on uncertainties, indecisiveness and games. Literally during our pre-meet conversations and first meet up, I talk about sex, relationships expectations and other lighter topics so that there is no confusion. It hasn't failed me yet.

Man, why do it any other way?! Such a waste of emotional and physical time to inject guess-work to an already confounding institution of dating.

May 17, 2013

Well let me see....I'm going to contradict myself here so be prepared. lol

If someone were to ask me in the beginning stages what I'm looking for, I would hold back a little. I wouldn't call it being dishonest but I think it's a hard question to answer when you don't really know someone and I also don't want to come on too strong.

I would usually say something like that I was ultimately looking for a relationship but I'm not in a hurry to get there. I don't want someone to think I'm looking to get married next week but yet also want guys to know that I am looking for a relationship.

However at this point I'm in a casual relationship partly because I got so tired of dating and looking for a relationship I decided to just take a break and enjoy what I had going on, even though I knew it wasn't going anywhere.

With this guy I told him that I was looking for something that would grow into a relationship and since I knew he was newly divorced I'm assuming we're looking for different things therefore would date him but keep my eyes open for something more 'real'. He was fine with it.

But in some ways I'm lying to myself because I really would like a relationship I just got tired of looking for it.

With other guys I have met, even if I'm crazy about them I usually hold back in the beginning just to not come across too strong. I wouldn't call it dishonesty as much as trying to not put all the cards on the table too soon.

I hear ya. I used to be upfront about looking for a relationship. Now I ended wasting so much energy on the people I liked without getting much in return. Now I have education and athletic goals to work on so I decided to sit back and direct all that energy towards those goals.

He who wants me will simply have to come get me!

May 17, 2013

And another thing, I don't know about others, but my experience has been that if you are open and honest in the beginning you get one of two responses:

1. They prove to be less committed to the idea of honesty, shrug, intimidated by/from it and bail, so you are spared the BS....

2. They see that being honest is acceptable, that games are not the intent and they feel more comfortable about opening up. Most people want to be honest, but many are under the impression that dating/relationships is about fabricating some kind of façade to engage in a game....unfortunately some do look at it as a game.

May 17, 2013

And another thing, I don't know about others, but my experience has been that if you are open and honest in the beginning you get one of two responses:

1. They prove to be less committed to the idea of honesty, shrug, intimidated by/from it and bail, so you are spared the BS....

Very much so. This is why I think I've never been f***ed around by guys really. They give up at the first hurdle.

2. They see that being honest is acceptable, that games are not the intent and they feel more comfortable about opening up. Most people want to be honest, but many are under the impression that dating/relationships is about fabricating some kind of façade to engage in a game....unfortunately some do look at it as a game.

Agreed

May 17, 2013

Say even the slightest of things -- like "I really enjoy spending time with you" -- then boom, you've suddenly scared them and destroyed all progress you've made. That's why so many people hold back and can't be truthful with their intentions 100% of the time. Nowadays you have no choice but to play your cards close to your chest.

If that is all it takes to scare someone off, then they truly were not the right person for you.

May 17, 2013

If that is all it takes to scare someone off, then they truly were not the right person for you.

That was just a random example to illustrate my point; which is that being honest a lot of the time can ruin your chances because of the stupid games people play nowadays.

May 17, 2013

You get what you attract. I'm honest and I tend to attract honest people

If only it were that straightforward.

May 17, 2013

I am always honest about my intentions. I've been accused of being too honest and too honest about subject matter too soon, eg. sex.

I'm 44, had the great marriage, loved, physically active and looking for someone who is passionate about life and having a healthy, active sex life....I KNOW WHAT I WANT, so no time to waste on uncertainties, indecisiveness and games. Literally during our pre-meet conversations and first meet up, I talk about sex, relationships expectations and other lighter topics so that there is no confusion. It hasn't failed me yet.

Man, why do it any other way?! Such a waste of emotional and physical time to inject guess-work to an already confounding institution of dating.

Honestly, and I don't mean it in a negative way, but I did not understand what you want. I just understood you don't want to wait and waste your time before sex. But you want a LTR or casual? I didn't get it, could you clarify?

May 17, 2013

I believe in being honest, but I don't believe in putting everything out on the table on the first date. Goals and process are different entities, so it's not quite as simple as a five word sentence. Friendships and relationships are built in a stair-step fashion wherein a person reveals something personal, the other empathizes and shares something of themselves in return. The back and forth continues with increasing intimacy and trust.

Ultimately I'd like to get married again, if I find the right person. Telling a date at the first meeting that I'm looking to get married would seem kind of foolish because it would sound desperate, like I'm ready to stop at justice's office on the way home. The process involves finding someone with chemistry and compatibility in many areas. That's probably going to involve some dating, short-term and long-term relationships. I also want to have fun along the way, realizing that the journey is as important as the destination, or perhaps that there is only the journey. Anyway I prefer to reveal some thoughts and feelings incrementally as intimacy and trust increases rather than showing all my cards to everyone I might share a cup of coffee with.

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How many of you are honest at some point when it comes to dating about your intention

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