daisy01 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Hi all! I haven't used this forum before but I googled my issue and this place came up. Cutting a long story short, me and my ex broke up 4 months ago. He ended it with me because he fell out of love with me and our long distance got too much for him. What I didn't know was behind the scenes he was meeting up with another girl..but anyway that is another issue. The thing I am having at the moment; I feel like I have almost got over him. I tried contacting him in the past (about 1.5 months post-BU) and he ignored me; when he explained why, he simply said it was too soon, which I understood because I wasn't over him. He said he did want a "friendship" in the future though which I am still a bit uncertain about. I emailed him today anyway, and said it would be nice to see how he was. Keep in mind this was a long time after NC and the break up. But he has ignored it, again! Why has he done this? I am completely trying to understand but if he wants me to be a part of his life in the future, surely he wouldn't ignore? Was he lying? I honestly would appreciate him being honest and telling me why he is ignoring. If he said he has changed his mind and wants nothing to do with me - fine. But not even a word. It is infuriating to put it lightly. It doesn't take a second to send someone a text saying f*** off, right?
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Read the No Contact Guide in my signature. he may be the dumper, but he doesn't want you in his life right now. If you really want contact with him - you're going to have to wait for him to initiate. "But what if he never does??" Then, I'm afraid you have to suck it up, accept it and get over it. Some people can take years to get over a relationship. If he's ignoring you, then that's the way it is. You have no choice but to take it on the chin. He doesn't want to respond. That's it. 2
Author daisy01 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Read the No Contact Guide in my signature. he may be the dumper, but he doesn't want you in his life right now. If you really want contact with him - you're going to have to wait for him to initiate. "But what if he never does??" Then, I'm afraid you have to suck it up, accept it and get over it. Some people can take years to get over a relationship. If he's ignoring you, then that's the way it is. You have no choice but to take it on the chin. He doesn't want to respond. That's it. Hi TaraMaiden, thank you for your response - that link is very helpful and useful. I have been no contact for a good while actually - when we last spoke (when I tried to communicate previously), he said he wanted me to make sure I wasn't attached anymore etc etc. It was all very correct to be fair. Where you say some people take years to get over a relationship - are you aiming that at him? I am pretty sure he is over it, actually 99%; the girl he was communicating with while we were together he is now seeing as far as I'm aware. Also no responses etc signals toward that idea too. It was myself who was broken up afterwards, he moved on pretty fast. I just feel I am at that point where I'd like to know how he's doing - but him constantly ignoring me is making me really dislike him. This is where I feel he surely just wants me to take a hike, because he'd know the ignoring would **** me off to the point where I lose patience. I just wish he would give me a straight answer, it honestly feels like he's trying to play some game at the moment to get in my head - it is working but only because it is completely frustrating me. I have never had 'dumpers' ignore me before to this extent!
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 ..... Where you say some people take years to get over a relationship - are you aiming that at him? I am pretty sure he is over it, actually 99%; the girl he was communicating with while we were together he is now seeing as far as I'm aware. Also no responses etc signals toward that idea too. It was myself who was broken up afterwards, he moved on pretty fast. No, I was speaking in general. I accept that it's a fallacy to assume that simply because someone is a dumper, they're cold, hard-hearted and unfeeling. I realise sometimes, that in fact the dumper may be more heartbroken than the dumpee... again, speaking generally. Are YOU completely over him? Does a little part of you still hold a flame for him, or are you completely indifferent to him now (in a benign way)...? I just feel I am at that point where I'd like to know how he's doing - but him constantly ignoring me is making me really dislike him. This is where I feel he surely just wants me to take a hike, because he'd know the ignoring would **** me off to the point where I lose patience. Well he's obviously not at the point where he wants you to know, feels you should, or even have that right. In a break-up, at least for the first year, it's generally recommended that both people behave as if the other is non-existent. It's the only way to reach a plateau of complete assuredness and comfort that really, none of it matters at all, any more.... I just wish he would give me a straight answer, it honestly feels like he's trying to play some game at the moment to get in my head - it is working but only because it is completely frustrating me. I have never had 'dumpers' ignore me before to this extent! Take it as read that this is the straight answer you're looking for. This isn't your call. you tried. he did not respond. THAT'S your answer. leave it be for at least another 8 months. I'm serious. Move on, leave it, forget it, drop it. Don't cultivate dislike or frustration. Let it go, because those emotions tie you to him as much as their perceived opposites do... Move on. He's 'told' you where he's at. And where he's at, is nowhere near you.
Ajax Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 This is where I feel he surely just wants me to take a hike, because he'd know the ignoring would **** me off to the point where I lose patience. I guess there's your answer. I just wish he would give me a straight answer, it honestly feels like he's trying to play some game at the moment to get in my head - it is working but only because it is completely frustrating me. I have never had 'dumpers' ignore me before to this extent! If he broke up with you... that is an answer. At this point you need to respect his space, even if you feel it disrespects you. In fact, especially if you feel it disrespects you. To me it almost sounds like, "are you ready to talk to me now? How 'bout now? Now? Are you ready to talk? Can we talk? When will you be ready to talk? Now?" I'd probably start ignoring too.
california15 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 So... I think YOU think you're ready for a friendship with your ex but from your story, I suggest waiting because I don't think you're 100% ready yet. When you get upset from being ignored by an ex, its showing you still care too much about him and what he's doing. I know it's frustrating you, the more he ignores you. But here's food for thought: If you stop contacting him, he can't ignore you anymore. When you're indifferent to his response (or lack of), then that would be a more ideal time to contact him (if at all). You may perceive him as being 100% ready and he may not be for whatever reason (only he can judge if he's ready). I don't think he's playing a game with you - his actions show he's clearly not interested in a friendship right now. Its a hard pill to swallow but If he was interested in a friendship you'd know because he would not be ignoring you. TaraMaiden has good advice (everything she said) but most of all - you're going to have to wait for him to initiate contact, especially since he was the dumper. And hopefully you'll be indifferent to him by then if he ever does contact you. And hopes of a friendship in the future can be maimed by times like these of desperation or constant texts. Just back off on the communication, give you guys both some space (more space - 4months may seem longer but it's okay if more time is needed) and focus on you and moving on and looking forward to new things!
Author daisy01 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Yes, you are both probably right. And I do agree. I do still care for him in a way; we were together almost 4 years so it was a long run. I was a huge part of his life and he was of mine, so it was difficult to begin with but through working on myself I have worked through that and learned to love myself and my own company. I appreciate that you feel I have forced the conversations, maybe I have. But it just feels as though HE is deciding when I am ready to talk - which I find completely unreasonable, and ignore me just because he feels I am not ready? I am not so silly to set myself back by talking to him when I didn't feel prepared to. I know I am a lot more ready now because previously when I spoke to him and he ignored, I cried for hours. I haven't cried at all today, it is just getting on my nerves more than anything. If he is not ready to speak then so be it, but he cannot call the shots all the time. It is a shame because I have managed to stay friends/in touch with previous exes, but this guy is acting in ways I don't agree with, causing me to lose respect. Tara - I honestly think I don't even have the patience to wait 8 months. I know in a months time I will just be indifferent - the more he disappoints me the further away he is pushing me. At this rate, there will be nothing there in 2 months, let alone 8!
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Yes, you are both probably right. And I do agree. I do still care for him in a way; we were together almost 4 years so it was a long run. I was a huge part of his life and he was of mine, so it was difficult to begin with but through working on myself I have worked through that and learned to love myself and my own company. What is your honest, true and deep motive for wanting to speak to him again? Really - look deep and be honest.... I appreciate that you feel I have forced the conversations, maybe I have. But it just feels as though HE is deciding when I am ready to talk - which I find completely unreasonable, and ignore me just because he feels I am not ready? Well of course, I can see how that is nonsense.... But there may be a grain of truth in there.... don't you think? And if he won't talk to you - there isn't a damn thing you can do about it, is there? I am not so silly to set myself back by talking to him when I didn't feel prepared to. I know I am a lot more ready now because previously when I spoke to him and he ignored, I cried for hours. I haven't cried at all today, it is just getting on my nerves more than anything. You're just going to have to let it go, hun. If he won't catch the ball, then he's sure as hell not going to be throwing it back, is he? If he is not ready to speak then so be it, but he cannot call the shots all the time. Er... wrong. It appears he can. It is a shame because I have managed to stay friends/in touch with previous exes, but this guy is acting in ways I don't agree with, causing me to lose respect. He's not 'previous exes. He's him. And just because they behave like that, there's no reason at all why he should conform to their behaviour and do likewise. Tara - I honestly think I don't even have the patience to wait 8 months. I know in a months time I will just be indifferent - the more he disappoints me the further away he is pushing me. At this rate, there will be nothing there in 2 months, let alone 8! Well exactly. That's the whole point of No Contact. To reach that point. Do you not get that?
Simon Phoenix Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Do you get upset when your other friends don't respond to a text, email, or a voicemail? I doubt you do -- I bet you realize that sometimes they are busy and they can't or they forget. If you have any sort of annoyance, anger, anxiety, etc. from not getting a response, then you aren't in a place where you can be "friends" with this person. 1
aisuru Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Looks, breakups are hard. You lost one of your best friends. But he is not feeling the loss of you in his life right now because he has a girlfriend. Respect his current relationship and yourself enough to no longer contact him. And as others have said, as the dumper, he should be the first one to contact you. That's just the tough breaks. Hopefully by then, you'll be in a relationship and feel no need to respond to him. Sometimes it takes years before you reestablish contact.
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