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Why does the right thing have to be so hard?

LilySun

By LilySun
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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LilySun Established Member

LilySun

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I ended my relationship. It just wasn't good. For a year and a half. I thought the world of him, but he didn't return that feeling. I think he's everything I want in a man, but he didn't return that either. It didn't matter to me for awhile. I loved being with him so much that it didn't matter. But I finally realized how much he has hurt me. I'm not sure he realizes it either. But,I don't know if he even cares if I'm hurt.

 

I finally just requested no contact and explained that I'm not happy, and I don't want to hurt anymore. I have cried so much in 2 days that my eyes are swollen. I would do anything to have him for the rest of my life and I think he knows this. But I'm so tired of hurting that I'm finally ready to move on and stop being miserable. Lots more crying will come, everything will remind me of him and I will long for his arms around me. Dating will be so hard. I can't stand the thought of being with another guy.

 

Ya never know if he finally wakes up and misses me after awhile, but I wouldn't trust him if he did. Getting me back would be hard.

 

All this pain will eventually go away, and I know I'll be happier in the end, at least I hope so. I try not to think of him with women and it kills me so I have to try and erase him completely from my past. As if I never met him.

 

I miss everything about him and I don't know if I will ever want someone else again in my life. :(

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LilySun Established Member

LilySun

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How long of NC before this is easier.

Hockeyguy19 Established Member

Hockeyguy19

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It takes a little while but everyday of nc will slowly ease the pain, just take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

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LilySun Established Member

LilySun

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Hardest thing I've ever had to do. Even if I'm busy I think of him. But I have to face this because he will never make me happy.

siankat Established Member

siankat

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doing what you is right, but is hard, is character building and that, lasts longer than the feelings you are feeling now. so its worth it

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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And now for the real heart of the matter. And, don't worry. I think this is where many of us, myself included, really have trouble!!

 

But I have to face this because he will never make me happy.

 

You must, simply must, find happiness from within. If you seek it from others, you will constantly be disappointed. Now, how does one find happiness within, and not from a potential partner. Well, when I figure that one out, I will be sure to post :laugh:

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california15 Established Member

california15

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Sticking to NC was the hardest thing in the first few weeks for me but I held strong and what got me through was knowing it was the right thing to do. I knew it was necessary to survive and move on. Like taking horrible tasting medicine (and hating life at that moment) knowing you'll feel better and be healed down the road.

 

Just get through one day. Then one day becomes 2 days. Then eventually you may be like me and once you hit a long point of NC you get stubborn and don't want to start over from day 1 when you've made it that far.

 

NC isn't easy but its necessary. You're not the only one on LS struggling through it - you can also post on the "Post Here instead of contacting your ex" thread in Coping Forum.

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LilySun Established Member

LilySun

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And now for the real heart of the matter. And, don't worry. I think this is where many of us, myself included, really have trouble!!

 

 

 

You must, simply must, find happiness from within. If you seek it from others, you will constantly be disappointed. Now, how does one find happiness within, and not from a potential partner. Well, when I figure that one out, I will be sure to post :laugh:

 

No thats not what I mean. I'm already happy but he makes me SAD that is the problem. He hurts my feelings and doesn't really care if he does. He doesn't do anything to make effort with me. I make all the effort. So what I mean is he will never be something positive instead of negative in my life.

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LilySun Established Member

LilySun

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Thanks California that thread might help me.

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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No thats not what I mean. I'm already happy but he makes me SAD that is the problem. He hurts my feelings and doesn't really care if he does. He doesn't do anything to make effort with me. I make all the effort. So what I mean is he will never be something positive instead of negative in my life.

 

This is just a spun-around version of what I am saying... If you can be so affected by him, then your happiness is not truly coming from within!!

youngnlove89 Established Member

youngnlove89

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I ended my relationship. It just wasn't good. For a year and a half. I thought the world of him, but he didn't return that feeling. I think he's everything I want in a man, but he didn't return that either. It didn't matter to me for awhile. I loved being with him so much that it didn't matter. But I finally realized how much he has hurt me. I'm not sure he realizes it either. But,I don't know if he even cares if I'm hurt.

 

THIS. It's exactly how I feel.

 

NC is hard, I've already messed it up tons of times. But you have to hold onto WHY you are leaving them, why you aren't happy. Make a list, re-read it when you get sad.

 

And do yourself a favor...Block him if you have the strength, because I will tell you from my own experience that it is very hard to ignore them.

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LilySun Established Member

LilySun

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This is just a spun-around version of what I am saying... If you can be so affected by him, then your happiness is not truly coming from within!![/quote

 

I didn't need him to make me happy with myself, I am already happy with myself, but he treated me like sh*t and made me cry too much. It has nothing to do with weather or not I'm happy with myself. It's being treated badly and learning to let go of the person who does.

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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I didn't need him to make me happy with myself, I am already happy with myself, but he treated me like sh*t and made me cry too much. It has nothing to do with weather or not I'm happy with myself. It's being treated badly and learning to let go of the person who does.

 

But don't you see? It has EVERYTHING to do if you are happy with yourself or not. You are just looking at the same exact issue, just from a different angle. Why did you let him treat you like sh*t and make you cry? Why weren't you dropping his as.s at the curb? Again, look within...

OzHeartache Established Member

OzHeartache

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I didn't need him to make me happy with myself, I am already happy with myself, but he treated me like sh*t and made me cry too much. It has nothing to do with weather or not I'm happy with myself. It's being treated badly and learning to let go of the person who does.

 

 

What Biker is saying is if you did love yourself, then the understand that the fact he treated you badly etc should elevate you above that and be able to move on knowing he is not the right one for you ........its tough, we are all here because it is, but we have to do it to move on

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LilySun Established Member

LilySun

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But don't you see? It has EVERYTHING to do if you are happy with yourself or not. You are just looking at the same exact issue, just from a different angle. Why did you let him treat you like sh*t and make you cry? Why weren't you dropping his as.s at the curb? Again, look within...

 

No, you are wrong. Everyone has a self-esteem issue stashed away somewhere. That doesn't make you unhappy with yourself. Everyone is vulnerable to pain and making wrong decisions even if they are happy with themselves. Happy doesn't mean "perfect".

 

It is not my fault that another person doesn't treat me how I deserve to be treated. If I was so unhappy with myself, then I would be blaming myself, I would I say deserved it, I would still be with him. But I'm not because I chose to end it instead of try to fight it anymore.

 

But that doesn't mean this won't be verg hard for me and that I won't miss him like hell.

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LilySun Established Member

LilySun

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What Biker is saying is if you did love yourself, then the understand that the fact he treated you badly etc should elevate you above that and be able to move on knowing he is not the right one for you ........its tough, we are all here because it is, but we have to do it to move on

 

Yes knowing he isn't the right one isn't too hard to believe. But never seeing him again, etc, will be hard even if I know that.

imtooconfused Established Member

imtooconfused

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Yes knowing he isn't the right one isn't too hard to believe. But never seeing him again, etc, will be hard even if I know that.

 

But I finally realized how much he has hurt me. I'm not sure he realizes it either. But, I don't know if he even cares if I'm hurt.

 

You need to change your mindset from "believing" he's not right into "knowing" with your whole heart that he's not right.

 

No matter how much you cherish the good times that you had, no matter all of the good qualities that you see in him, he will always be the person who will hurt you and not care that much about it. This last part is important to understand... He will miss you and tell you he wants you back, but he doesn't miss you enough to change into the person that you want him to be. It is just not in his character to make that change for you. He will always and forever have those characteristics that are so painful for you.

 

You are doing the right thing for yourself and I wish you all the best.

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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Yes, good luck :D

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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I look at it like this. I want to be at a point where if I were still with my ex (whom I loved/love more than anyone else I have ever met), that I could stand in the same room, look at her and truly think to myself that I don't care what you think, say or do. It won't effect how I feel. I am happy no matter what. Say you love me: Great. Say your leaving me: No problem. Doesn't matter what you do. I know what I'm doing...

 

Now, I am nowhere near that point, but that's the way I think I should be by 'finding happiness within myself'. Not sure how to get there, but that's what I think "there" might look like!!!

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LilySun Established Member

LilySun

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Thanks.

 

Yeah, I really don't expect him to say he wants me back, etc. He just isn't that way. I don't think ignoring him will even be much of an issue. If he cares enough to try that, I would be surprised.

 

I'm starting to feel a sense of relief, though. Maybe all the crying was a great release. I wasn't sure I ever stop crying. And now, I'm in a better mood and feeling really glad I did it. There will ups and downs like that I think. Letting go may not be easy or what I want. But I am feeling happier just because I made the choice to do it. Because this way I know he can't hurt me again.

 

I think the toughest part is fear that I'll never like being with someone that much again. He really is a good and fun man. There was just too many problems that I don't have strength to blow off anymore.

 

It really helps to be here too, where people actually listen and care. Thank you so much.

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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Yeah, I also feel that I may have lost a real one-of-a-kind, but what is clearly stated here on LS, is that you will find another. And I do believe that...

 

Hang tough and things will improve. Also don't rush. Let it happen at it's own pace :laugh:

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aisuru Established Member

aisuru

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It is not my fault that another person doesn't treat me how I deserve to be treated.

 

 

I disagree. A person treats you exactly how you allow them to treat you, whether you deserve it or not.

 

Time to look within yourself. You can't completely blame him for you feeling sad. Or you give him all the power. And jeopardize your ability to heal from this. You need to examine why you allowed yourself to be in a relationship where the other person in the relationship didn't treat you how you felt you should be treated.

 

No Contact. Soul Searching.

 

You will be okay. It hurts right now, but it will be worth it.

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LilySun Established Member

LilySun

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But that is like saying an abused woman is at fault for a man hitting her. This is no different,.except I'm luckily not in a situation where I was hit or stuck there.

 

I don't blame him for everything, never have. I have always been the type to fess up to my own mistakes. However I always called him out on his, which he refused to take reaponsibility for. Me on the other hand, has no shame about my own faults and make effort to change accordingly. I also explained that I saw things from his point of view, at times. He was not appreciative that I am this way, and he is not this way himself.

 

So I've just finally realized our differences won't ever find a way to mesh.

aisuru Established Member

aisuru

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But that is like saying an abused woman is at fault for a man hitting her. This is no different,.except I'm luckily not in a situation where I was hit or stuck there..

 

Actually, my very short answer is an abused woman does allow a man to treat her that way. And vice versa. There's a longer answer to that, all psychological about people (man and woman) in abusive relationships that I don't feel like getting into because right now we're talking about you.

 

So I've just finally realized our differences won't ever find a way to mesh.

 

THAT is what you need to hold on to. Write it on a piece of paper and stick it on your bathroom mirror where you will read it over and over and over.

 

You deserve better. Make it happen.

imtooconfused Established Member

imtooconfused

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But that is like saying an abused woman is at fault for a man hitting her. This is no different,.except I'm luckily not in a situation where I was hit or stuck there.

 

Actually, my very short answer is an abused woman does allow a man to treat her that way. And vice versa. There's a longer answer to that, all psychological about people (man and woman) in abusive relationships that I don't feel like getting into because right now we're talking about you.

 

A victim of abuse is NOT the cause of the abuse, but merely a facilitator of the abuse, in the same way that a dispassionate third party may see abuse going on and not do anything about it. It's not fair to place blame on a victim.

 

But more importantly aisuru, it's not at all helpful to LilySun to find fault and point fingers at this point. She identified bad behaviors in her EX (abuse or not) and has already distanced herself from the bad situation. She is no longer a facilitator.

 

There may come a time where self-analysis may help one identify destructive behaviors sooner, and allow one to react quicker, but it's better to do that self-analysis from a position of strength and security, rather than pain.

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