sadamore Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Hi all, I apologize that this post has gotten a little long. But this is my first time posting and I am really looking for advice based on all the details, so I wrote as much as I could. Thank you for your help! I am just desperate.... So, in July 2012 I met a really wonderful person. My friend who was with me said the 'earth moved' He actually 'courted' me for the next several months, which was a first for me! We kissed by the end of October and in November found ourselves in a sexual situation. I took the initiative and he stopped me and asked if we could wait. This was totally fine with me. About two weeks later, he initiated it, but stopped again. He started to give me reasons for 'waiting', that sounded religious to me. Around this same time I learned that he is a believer and frequents church, even teaches catechism--again, this was all fine with me, even made me feel more strongly about him, what a good and committed man he is, interesting, has an inner-peace, etc. Leading up to Christmas, we had sex three other times, by the fourth and fifth we were comfortable and there were fireworks. I felt a deeper connection with him and appreciated how much he respected me and the 'act' and totally agreed with his beliefs, even if they weren't so clear and I have no religious affiliation of my own. Because he had initiated every time but the first, I believed that we had 'waited', according to him. I felt we both took it as seriously as the other and felt we had something special on every level. I live overseas, so this man is also from another culture. An Italian catholic culture. I went home three weeks for the Christmas holidays. When I returned in mid-January, the first time things got intimate again, he informed me that he 'wanted to wait again.' This was hard on me and he saw it (I cried a little) because for me it felt like a rejection and step backwards. I thought about it and decided 'I can do this', that this man is worth it to me. I am 37 and certainly interested in finding the right one and not wasting too much time. Searching my heart, I believed it was right to continue with him and see where it went. Fast forward to mid-April. Things had been going quite well--marriage had been talked about (lightly), kids, the future. Everyone around us thought we were perfect for each other. He always commented on how in love he felt. And I felt it, too. 'Due pere cotte' = 'Two cooked pears' he always said, since we were so gushy and mushy in love. But around Easter we had started to fight a little. Nothing that I thought wasn't solvable. Little things, I thought 'growing pains', and some things were based solely on communication problems--we only speak in Italian--and differences in experience and between the genders. This is my first romantic relationship in another language. I've had a couple long-term relationships, he has barely had two short ones. Anyway, we had both become a little tense. On my end, certainly the tension was sexual. We were doing 'everything but sex' a lot, and it began to wear on me that he could manage to control himself. I felt undesirable. I felt he was more satisfied with oral sex than I was. I felt bad that by this point he had never even spent the night. This lack of intimacy was eating at me. We had our first major fight at this point. Over something he said he had told me in a text, a detail about some plans with friends, but in reality he hadn't told me (and I could prove it by showing him the text). So he got very defensive and said it was 'all his fault'--a catch phrase he uses a lot. We didn't talk for two days. When we did, and we talked a lot, about everything, and about the 'no sex' thing. We seemed to solve and clear up a lot, get back on track. Then the next day he came over and initiated. For a whole afternoon. Again, two days later he said he really wanted to wait. I understood. I just needed a compromise. I had hit a wall. But I wanted to respect his wishes. We had another fight April 30, about walking me home, where in the end I just walked away (my fault, I know ). We didn't see each other the next day but had some not-so-great text messages (bad idea!) On May 2 he came over to talk for two hours. It became clear what the tension was on his end--work. Italy has been suffering an acute economic crisis for a couple years now and there is no end in sight. He is basically not making ANY money and as a medical professional does not know what to do next. Ah, and he lives at home with his parents...and definitely can't afford to move out. Much less propose marriage (I think this is how he is thinking...) During this talk, it became apparent he was breaking up with me. I was in shock. I thought that what we had was strong enough to survive those stupid fights. After a week I called him. I just couldn't hold out....I also felt that if he was really telling the truth (and I do trust him completely)--that he was breaking up because of work stress and he couldn't handle relationship stress--I wanted to say that now that I understand where his tension is coming from, I can be better at supporting him. That maybe in this moment he needs me the most. And I am here for him. I love him and just can't walk away because he's having problems..... We talked the next day and got 'back together'. But he said he wants to take it slow. He mentioned the sex thing. I'm certain that the most recent time we had sex (in late April) made him feel bad. Although I am certain I did not pressure him, maybe he resented me for feeling bad about the situation. Anyway, here we are. Barely a week since. Monday we saw each other and it was great--kisses and 'I love yous', last night was not as great. He still talked about how he wants to take it slow, how he was 'calmer' before and now he is not. I'm trying to hang in there, but wonder if he would ever have contacted me to get back together. Maybe he really has fallen out of love, even though he said it the other day. But what it really comes down to is: because he has no money, it seems he doesn't want to worry about marriage and a family. Even though that's IS what he wants--he's said it and I believe it. But because he wants to wait until marriage for sex--what does that mean for us? And is it really possible that for a couple stupid, albeit a bit intense, fights--has he really changed his mind? Thank you.....
BluEyeL Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I think his behavior is really bizare. I would suggest you move on. You're not even religious and he doesn't want/not ready to get married, but he doesn't want to have sex with you either. It's just bad from my point of view, a definitive lack of compatibility. I'm sorry. I do hope you work it out, but it doesnt look good to me.
Treasa Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 (edited) I wouldn't date him. Start, stop, start, stop. Either he's religious or he isn't. Otherwise he's a hypocrite, since he HAS had sex with you. I'm a vegetarian. It's a strong conviction for me. Not once in 21 years have I ever said, "Well, ok, just this once..." Also, life isn't guaranteed to be comfortable or easy. If he's willing to get rid of you and blame it on money this time, who knows what it will be next time? What if you're pregnant with his kid and he loses his job? Will he bail? When he broke up with you, it sounds like you were trying to convince both of you. "Oh, now that I know what the real problem is, I can support you." It sounds nice, but it's almost desperate. If he breaks up with you, walk away. To me it sounds like the honeymoon phase is over, and now is the reality. Edited May 16, 2013 by Treasa 2
pteromom Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I would move on too. If you are 37 and looking to have children, time is working against you, and you should not be wasting time on a man who doesn't want the same things (and even if he says he does, his actions aren't in line with that). It also sounds like he has a lot of issues around sex and religious guilt. There's also the possibility that he is using the "let's wait" thing as an excuse for a low sex drive or other sexual issues. Do not go by words, but by his actions. 4
salparadise Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I had a similar situation... she was religious, and after having enjoyed a fulfilling sex life for several months, and after I had grown quite attached, she informed me that she had decided to remain chaste until marriage. We had even discussed it before in reference to a couple she knew, and she had assured me that I didn't need to worry about it- that she realized you can't put it back in the bottle so to speak. So I objected and we had a lot of discussion. But basically it was her decision and I told her that I didn't think an adult relationship could work without sex, much less a long-distance one. So she stood her ground until it was time for her to come see me. She asked if I wanted her to come anyway and I said yes. When she got here we resumed having sex. She said she had prayed about it and now felt it was ok. It came up again six or eight months later, same outcome. What was happening was the priests were guilting her when she'd go to confession. Anyway, as it turned out her internal conflicts, about turns, unilateral decision making, and general dissatisfaction were simply part of who she is, and it became a hallmark of the relationship. After a year and a half she decided that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me, or anyone else according to her. Then a couple of months after she broke up I found her back cruising the online dating site where we had met. I sent her a message and called her on it. She said she was just looking, no harm in that. Yea, right. The point is that there are people who are conflicted, confused, terribly unsettled and don't really understand who they are and what they want for themselves or in a relationship. I learned my lesson the hard way––you just can't expect anything more than a bad case of whiplash by trying to be in a relationship with someone like that. In hindsight I can see that I should've broken it off the first time she started that celibacy stuff, but I was smitten and stuck it out. We did have a tremendous amount of affection and love for one another, but it wasn't enough to overcome the inherent instability that was always going to be. So I'm not giving you direct advice, just take what you can from my experience and hopefully use it to make the right decisions for yourself.
pcplod Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 There's also the possibility that he is using the "let's wait" thing as an excuse for a low sex drive or other sexual issues. Do not go by words, but by his actions. I'm afraid I would also concur with this as a strong possibility. He wouldn't be the first man to put a woman who has a strong need for intimate physical bonding in a relationship in this position. It reads like a script from a play for many married women who thought that once married things would suddenly change but find out much to their regret that it does not at all or that over the years it even gets worse and that they are presented with just one excuse after another. I don't care what one's personal beliefs are or whether they are religiously-driven or otherwise but one of the key essences for survival in this world, in this life, is adaptability. That isn't being someone else's doormat, but being prepared to compromise and negotiate. You will have to ask yourself if you are being required to compromise too much. 1
Recommended Posts