LaLa88 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 (edited) Hi Thankyou for looking at my post and helping me with this problem. A problem that I feel I already know what to do, but am trying to hold on in the hope it can change. I'm 25, and been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. We have always had an honest, open relationship. We were beat friends, who could tell eachother anything and always have lots of fun.. But 6 months ago it changed, and I think that's what I'm so confused.. As to why and how could a good relationship like we had, turn so ugly now! I caught him out, with a lie, which had taken place one week prior. During that week, he had me believe this big long story etc and hey why would I have ever questioned what he had told me... I was then shocked to discover this was so far from the truth that when I confronted him, gave him an opportunity to explain. To cut a story short.. 8 hours later he told me 'the truth'. But for 8 long hours he lied, and the story kept changing, and some things weren't adding up (I.e times n places etc) so I'd question that and then he'd try to cover that up.. Etc etc. he had created a web of lies!! This is all where is started (or at least I think, either he has always done this and I've just gotten cluer, or something has changed between us but he can't explain why he does it) The last 6 months have been hell!! He has lied about small stupid things to bigger issues! The trust, has completely gone. I don't know how many times I've told him, to just be honest with me at the start and stop keeping things from me, eapecially if he has been caught!! As I will find out, and it doesn't matter if its a week, two months or a year later.. The consequences will be so much more worse! He has looked me straight in the eye and almost cried, to then find out an hour later he was lying the whole time. He has watched me melt down and cry, time n time again.. With myself asking him.. Why, why do you keep doing this!! And I've found myself somewhat becoming a councellor to him because he says he doesn't know 'why'.. I've explained to him how upset it makes me feel, and the safety and security of the relationship is damaged, how i have done nothing to deserve this.. When I've thought he has listened, understands, has changed, and wants to make things right (like he says in texts the next morning, or while I'm in tears after discovering something) but now it's at the point where I don't hope my breathe anymore.. ANYTHING he says now, I question!! As i have to, coz the extent of lies he has told me, i have to!! its tearing me apart! have turned into such an angry person, I'm stressed, I've lost a lot of weight due to stress and times of not eating, my mental physical and emotional health are so low at the moment I'm at breaking point! I've lost confidence and self esteem! I feel I'd be lost tho if I left him, coz apart of all this bull****.. We have/had a great relationship! He says he doesn't want to loose me etc etc... Ive tried to end it about 3 times now. And I know what everything thinks I should do.. But yes, i do love him and I want things to be how they were! I've considered couples councelling.. Feel it's the last resort as clearly nothing I'm doing nor saying changes. :( Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
leafguy Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Lala Im sorry to hear about this situation and hopefully this advice can serve you well, but I have to ask you one thing...what is the basis of every relationship? To me, its mutual trust an mutual respect, both of which seem to be absent on his end of things. You may love him, but you need to love yourself more. Based on your post, it sounds as if he has become a "habitual liar" and will continue to do so out of sheer habit. Since you omitted the details of what he is lying about, I can only speculate. How long are you willing to take being stressed, low self esteem and all the other issues you say you are feeling for the sake of being what the relationship was? I think you should look at it for what it is now. 6 months of lying and you being stressed. Counseling is an option, but I wouldn't hold out much hope. You need to be happy with yourself, first and foremost. And if you are not happy with yourself because of him, you need to end it, take the few months of pain that you are already feeling anyways, and rediscover what it is like to be happy with yourself.
BustedUpInside Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Hi We have always had an honest, open relationship. I am not trying to be a total downer, but in my experience this behavior doesn't just come out of nowhere unless the person starts using heavy drugs or something. If I had to guess, I would say that he has probably been being at least a little dishonest for awhile, but you just recently started catching him. This is not your fault, because there is no reason you wouldn't trust him until you caught him in a lie. Don't blame yourself for being a nice person who could assume that you would able to believe in your significant other. The fact that he turned out to be so dishonest is totally on him.
KatZee Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 Yikes. I hate to agree with the previous post but I do. This behavior isn't out of no where. I'm willing to bet you've been dating a pathological liar this entire time. You've just finally caught on. Trust is fundamental in any healthy and long term successful relationship. If there is no trust, there is nothing. You shouldn't always have to be looking over your shoulder and cross checking facts just to see if he's being honest. This is very clearly a deep character flaw he's unable to overcome at this point. You're not his mother or his counselor at all do don't out yourself in that role, it will drain you. And yes, he ill continue with his lies. It's not like he told a little white lie and then came clean. Your bf is capable of creating an entire world of lies just to fit whatever it is he's doing. Who even knows what he's lied about in the past, or what he continues to lie about now. This is a pretty big deal breaker. 1
kareng Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Sounds a lot like my relationship, it is a viscous cycle. Possibly look at it this way, is he actually lying to you? just because he keeps things from you? My partner always says he doesnt tell me because of the way i act when he tells me things, and also says he wants to protect me and not worry me. It sh*ts me to tears how men assume that they have to treat every cirumstance the same. Women i believe are just natural open talkers, no matter the problem. I guess at least once you bring it to his attention he admits it and doesnt continue to lie.
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