After 7 years, a wedding planned, a home together, She needs space now?

September 28, 2004

Two weeks ago Stacey told me she needed space. She was feeling unhappy and unsure if she could be married to me. Our wedding was planned for next July. Invitations sent, reservations made, everything was set. Now it's canceled.

Since then we have sold the house, she got an apartment and all of our bills and accounts have been separated while I just sit, watch, and agree with her choices. I do this because I love her and want to make her happy and am willing to do anything to prove it!

When we met, I had a stable job, was going places. and had just begun to make a decent living until my position was eliminated. So for the past 3 years we have been struggling financially (Thus the logic behind selling the house) and she has been basically holding down the fort. I've bounced around to a few jobs but nothing that comes close to what I was paid before I lost my job. Too add to the fire, I have child support that is unfortunately based on what I made the last year of my employment (The only year in my life I ever made that kind of money) before I lost my job. I have fought the system tooth and nail only to loose. Unfortunately the child support division will not will not review my case and tell me I need to find a better job. So for 3 years when I am working I only am only able to bring home about $320 bi-weekly. Yeah, working 40hrs a week I only bring home $740.00 per month.

With all these issues on my plate I began to internalizing everything and worry about paying bills - I basically became distant. I'm a quite person naturally, and all the stresses of life just made me even more quite. She on the other hand is very vocal, a driven person, with a heart of gold. We just lost touch.

The reason I a writing is mostly to externalize my feelings and hopefully get feedback and/or support. Everything is just moving too fast and I'm scared. Stacey will not even take the time to focus on us until she gets her life back in order. I'm afraid by then it may be too late

How could she do this to us? I know we could have worked things out. It feels like she just gave up and quit. It didn't have to happen like this. We could have worked together as a couple and made things work. Now, I may have lost her for good.

I don't understand!!

September 28, 2004

im in a similar situation, 6 years we bought everything together, we have our dogs, our house our furniture and although in our situation i was the one financially stable she just decided to leave. and get her own place. instead of me stressing out over not working i was changing careers and was very stressed out about school and i became very boring i assume.

I think theres not much to do but sit and watch the story unfold. its like they say in the movie swingers, at this point theres nothing you can do to make her want to come back , but only to make her not want to return.

It sucks i know. It sucks even more when they call and you wish you could just slap some sense into them. but you have to act as if youre not affected.

live and learn

September 28, 2004

She claims she loves me and hurts as much as me but she needs this time away to sort things out. She talks about re-courting in the future, and she intentially got a two bedroom appartment just in case things work out. I just don't understand her thinking. How does tearing everthing appart help the process or solve the problems we may have had. I can only guess that she wants to start out fresh. Unfortunatly that may be with or without me.

September 28, 2004

yup exactly the same, she cries like a baby, but shes not willing to try and work it out,

sometimes you have to disregard what they say. actions speak louder than words i guess.

October 1, 2004

I went to pick up some of my stuff at the house today - The realitor was there. He said she had told him she just up and made this decision and doesn't even know why.

How can some one you are about to marry just up and say it's over after 7 years??

So far I have been avoiding her. I lefter her a rose and a miss you note yesterday when I was at the house to pick up my clothes. Thus far I have timed it so she has been at work. I haven't seen or talked to her for 3 days. I've been keeping busy but, Damn, I miss her. I wish she wouild take the time to think about this.

Thanks everyone.

October 1, 2004

Looks like I am the only one responding to my post - O'well, it makes me feel better I guess.

Anyway, she called here around 7ish. I saw her name on the caller ID and froze. I was afraid to pick it up in fear of more bad news. Is that normal?

It's now 9:00 and she hasn't called back. My mind is swirling as to why she would call me..... did she want to say hello. I love you, or tell me to hurry up and get my stuff?

October 1, 2004

perfectly normal. i feel your pain man. i still havent even found the courage to post my entire story of my breakup and relationship. the wounds are too deep .And its been since August 8 we broke up.. I'll post it soon and maybe we can relate. It just kills me inside to see other people suffering. Swear to god, i sit here and cry at my monitor everynight before bed seeing other people are feeling the same exact way. I felt so god damn exclusive and alone, but everyone i see goes through it

As for the anxiety, **** IT man, when she calls, pick it up in a normal exact voice and say "Hello?" just like you would if your mom would call to say hi. Act as if nothing is affecting you.

I often find myself going "Man if i ****ing love her so much then **** you im going after her!!" but everyone says "leave her alone" i think leaving her alone will do more goood than bad for my own emotional and psychological well being. And yours too. If she really wants you, she will come get you.

My girlfriend dropped off some mail the other day and acted like **** was cool. I told her, "Remember your hair it used to be all over the place!, and now there isnt any layin around." in a normal tone. And she looked kinda laughed at me and started stroking her hair. SHe pulls out a strand and says here you go, Looking DIRECTLY into my eyes, her blue eyes make me just melt man, bawl. ****. But anyhow, she hands me the strand and i say "can i get ahold of you so we can talk again ?" and she agrees, well its been a week to the day. No response to my emails. And i havent the courage to call.

I can only imaging if she did call me, i would answer it. Regardless of what 95% of the people here telling you "No Contact", if contact is initiated, and the planets are aligned right, and IN YOUR HEART, you feel the hope inside of you that perhaps there is a chance, if you can GENUINELY tell yourself there is hope, then PICK UP THE PHONE! And dont let her slip away. If you love her, you cant help that. I know how it feels to love something and not be able to get it.

I look at this, what the **** else do we have better to do on earth? Procreation is the basic principle of living your life. SO when you find something that feels right, or is compatible in more ways than you can count on your fingers, then GO AFTER HER. I watch movies. They remind me of what to do. "If you love her, then go after her" is always a cliche movie phrase i remember. Dont stalk her, or call her if contact isnt initiated, but if you feel all of the above is in unison with you, then somehow, you will find a way to get your message across. The mind has a way of adapting to situations. And mine still hasnt. So im not saying listen to me over the 95% of the people who claim NC works. Im just saying, if there is positive hope, then feed off of it, and let it grow. I have no ****in hope, so i am desperate for a shocking phone call. Im so god damn fed up with **** anyhow that I could give a **** less what happens to me personally. I could take a kick in the ****in face with a steel toe right now and laugh in your face. But, i wont let her know that. I'll pretend as if i still do love her, but dont NEED her to live. I will do everything in my ****ing power to get her back that isnt "across the line" . Sorry for cursing, but my bleeding heart bleeds. If she contacts me, of course i'll answer and talk. But i wont take her bull****. You shouldnt either. The ball is in YOUR court too!

i hope **** works out for you man, because that would really give me more hope (and no im not a foul mouthed a**h***) Im just really sincerely hurting...just like you, and the rest.

October 1, 2004

Just got back from the house, the Ex was there (I guess that's what I'll have to call her now). She was putting up the front - All smiles and nothing bothers me. I hate that.

I gave her a hug and kiss before I left - she responded with a one arm pat on the back and no verbal responce. I just don't understand how you can throw 7 years away and not have any reason for it. I guess time will tell.

I sure hate this.

October 1, 2004

In the meantime, you need to think about what YOU want, what YOUR life plan is going to be, regardless of her decision, and how to get back the career you deserve. It may take going back to school for a few classes. You need to do what it takes to 1. Get your mind off your current situation, and 2. Get back your self esteem/feel better about yourself.

You can't do anything about her right now, so don't let it consume you. Yes, it really hurts, but ultimately she is going to be the one to tell you if it's over or not. You know how you feel, and there's no way to control how she feels.

Time is what it takes. In the meantime there's us!

October 1, 2004

I have heard many women of all ages say that they don't even understand themselves on some days let alone expect someone else to understand them.

This I do say: don't bother or pester her. It is likely that if she doesn't FEEL attraction at this point that all the attempts to get her to be 'responsible', 'committed" or 'mature' are going to help. She needs to feel deeply what has happened and its consequences. She may come around and apologize profusely. Or she may become inverted and close off to a great deal. or she may feel she made the best decision but knew that no matter how you were told that you would react intensely. Many guys just don't realize how INTENSE they can come across and how intimidating it can be. I don't know you at all, so don;t take that as an accusation. I do know that women ponder these kinds of things months before'doing' something.

It is likely you miss the intimacy the most. That sense of an anchor of a person who is there despite all the other crap that goes on in life, that person who cares and accepts and listens despite everything. Maybe she was at the end of her patience. Or perhaps she is testing you to see what you will do with your life at this point despite the obvious and real hardship you are working with. Women often test men to determine how much of what they say if what the will DO. In that regard I respect them as long as they aren't being manipulative or controlling.

Anyway, bud. Rent some movies or go to a local coffee shop and meet some new people. Find something to do to take you out of your overwhelming pain and confusion. My GF of 2 years told me about 5-6 weeks back now that she wanted to break up because she 'needed time alone'. Well, I either am with her and support her or else I am not. I called her selfish in the way she was doing things. She acknowledged that but insisted that she still needed time alone. FIne, I can respect her honesty at least. And I believe in much of her as a women and best friend. So I move on with my life and put that hope in a box and place it on a shelf. I have to add that I trsut the thing to God as well... what that totally means I cannot say... but I do know that God has been the one person I can say that I can trsut in life depsite everyone else. So those days I have where I wanna end my life and end the soul-consuming loneliness I have cried my eyes out in pain and bitterness to God. Hoep it helps. God is a good listener and is not offended by anything we say in these kinds of moments. I hope that doesn't sound preachy. Just wanna see you also have relief from the deep-gut horror and alienation that I experienced the first 2 weeks.

Hang in there and know that love is still real even though it is hard to see it at present.

Chico

October 3, 2004

How could she do this to you?

If you're only bringing home $740 per month clear,the answer to that question is pretty simple.She sat down and did the math,she realised that by marrying you she would be agreeing to spending several years of her life subsidizing your first family financially.

A bring home of only $740 per month means that she'll probably be shouldering most of the burden of a house note or rent, she'll probably also end up assuming the bulk of fiscal responsibilty for utilities, your food,your personal care costs,vacations,new furniture, luxuries of any kind would be probably out of the question unless she was high earning, as would be having a child or two of her own.

She doesn't want to take on that responsibilty... and to tell you the truth I don't blame her.

October 3, 2004

Count yourself lucky. If you ever did get to marriage, I guess the preacher would have to leave out the "for richer, for poorer" part.

The good thing is; you will get back on your feet and find a better job/career. So look on the bright side. If she walks because of this, then she'll walk on the "in sickness, and in health" part too. And THAT is when you would really need her to be around. I mean really, if you were to become disabled in the future and you found out at that time that she was a fair weather partner, that would suck. What could you do then? You would defineatly be stuck. But you are lucky that she has already shown her real colors before you really physically needed her to be there. Know what I mean?

October 3, 2004

Originally posted by Pharmboy
Count yourself lucky. If you ever did get to marriage, I guess the preacher would have to leave out the "for richer, for poorer" part.

The good thing is; you will get back on your feet and find a better job/career. So look on the bright side. If she walks because of this, then she'll walk on the "in sickness, and in health" part too. And THAT is when you would really need her to be around. I mean really, if you were to become disabled in the future and you found out at that time that she was a fair weather partner, that would suck. What could you do then? You would defineatly be stuck. But you are lucky that she has already shown her real colors before you really physically needed her to be there. Know what I mean?

Her "real colors" ? tell me why on earth should she wish to devote several years of her life and her earnings to support another woman's children?

This man wasn't entering into marrige fiscally whole and unemcumbered, he entered saddled down with some baggage that was going to cost that woman plenty of $$$ and lost opportunties for years to come.

This is NOT a situation in which a partner fell sick or had an accident, it was one in which a person with pre-existing obligations was not prudent enough to tuck aside sufficent savings or to secure child support insurance coverage for himself in event of layoff.

This woman took a long hard look at reality and decided she could not/did not wish to handle the potential obligations involved in going thru with marrying this guy. I don't blame her a bit and I think it's cool that she did the honarable thing and ended it well before a wedding date of July 2005.

Btw, I reared my children alone following my divorce with little in the way of child support or practical supports from my ex-hubby.Men who would express interest in dating me pretty much backed off any talk of marriage, the reason? I had too much in the way of pre-existing fiscal baggage, supporting another man's children wasn't attractive in the slightest to them.Flash forward 15 yrs, my kids are grown, I've got a good income and enjoyable lifestyle and am still young enough to enjoy my life,lol,the whining and sniveling I've heard from divorced daddies the past couple years cause I'm not interested in supporting them or spending my free time pursing the needs/wants of their pre-existing children.

To the OP,lots of us divorced folks devote our time to rearing our children properly, if we have fiscal hardship we suck it up and take,second even third jobs to support our families, even if that means we give up pursuing new relationships,hobbies etc.When you've got a pre-existing set of kids, they come FIRST,everything else in your life comes dead last.Expecting a new person to eagerly take on that responsibilty isn't realistic or fair.

October 4, 2004

I am a divorced dad of 3 kids. For which I have sole custody and have had for the last 6 years. I have not recieved 1 dime of child support in that time. I don't have weekends off, I never get a break from it. No joint custody or visitation of their mother. I know where you are coming from and believe me, I feel your pain.

However, when one takes up with me, they know going in that I have 3 kids. They know that at any time I could lose my job and things would be tough. I also know that I will NEVER date ANYONE that doesn't have kids. For the simple reason that someone without kids could NEVER understand the sacrifices a single parent has to experience to raise the kids.

That being said, this relationship was one of 7 years. Not 2 months. This girl knew going in that he had kids. Burdens or not; when you take up with someone for that long, you also have to take up the baggage (in this case, the kids). It's not like she just found out that he had kids. It wasn't a surprise. There is always the potential for issues that come up in life when you are with someone. You ACCEPT those issues when you start a relationship; and the relationship lasts 7 years.

Now what if she had lost her job? Would he be allowed to bail on her and not help her out in her time of financial need? Nope. There is an assuption of responsibility when a relationship goes as far as theirs went. Plain and simple, the going got tough and the weak took off.

October 4, 2004

The last two post bring out good points and I agree with you both. However, I don't want to cause a child support debate.

Fact: I love my children and have no problem paying child support as long as it is based fairly. Currently the income the state of Oregon claims I make is based on one year of my life, 3 years ago and the only time in my life I ever made that much $. Since then and before I have only grossed half the amount my support is based on.

Now, can we focus on the issues, how to maybe resolve them, how I can ensure she is OK without being a pest - I love her after all.

October 4, 2004

Jacksoww,

Unfortunately, the only thing you can really do is improve yourself. Let he be for a while and let her miss you a bit. I would focus on improving your income to a point that you can afford the CS and live ok.

What exactly happened with the job? Are you underemployed for your skills now? Or, is this the natural income for your background? And, please don't take offense to this next question: did you kind of get "settled" with her taking on the majority of the load of everything?

If you did "skate" for a while, she may only come around to you making successful moves to get back on your career track. Who knows?

But all I can leave you with is get it together and get in gear! Not for her, but for you. In time, she may come around. But I think I can guarantee you one thing, until you take care of yourself and your own finances, there isn't much of a chance of that happening.

October 4, 2004

Originally posted by Pharmboy
I am a divorced dad of 3 kids. For which I have sole custody and have had for the last 6 years. I have not recieved 1 dime of child support in that time. I don't have weekends off, I never get a break from it. No joint custody or visitation of their mother. I know where you are coming from and believe me, I feel your pain.

However, when one takes up with me, they know going in that I have 3 kids. They know that at any time I could lose my job and things would be tough. I also know that I will NEVER date ANYONE that doesn't have kids. For the simple reason that someone without kids could NEVER understand the sacrifices a single parent has to experience to raise the kids.

That being said, this relationship was one of 7 years. Not 2 months. This girl knew going in that he had kids. Burdens or not; when you take up with someone for that long, you also have to take up the baggage (in this case, the kids). It's not like she just found out that he had kids. It wasn't a surprise. There is always the potential for issues that come up in life when you are with someone. You ACCEPT those issues when you start a relationship; and the relationship lasts 7 years.

Now what if she had lost her job? Would he be allowed to bail on her and not help her out in her time of financial need? Nope. There is an assuption of responsibility when a relationship goes as far as theirs went. Plain and simple, the going got tough and the weak took off.

What "assumption of responsibilty" are you talking about here? This man deliberately CHOSE to live together with this lady for 7 years, obviously

the OP had no problem with a situation that would have allowed either of them to bail with zero notice and zero ongoing legal fiscal obligation...till he fell on rough times,then all of a sudden she's "weak" a horrid person, ? I don't think so.

You want "assumption of responsibilty" cool, be legally married,other than that all bets are off.She was not his wife and expecting her to pay $$$ as if she were is laughable.

Another point to consider is this, nowhere does the OP mention where he decided to take a second or even third job in order to meet his share of the couple's fiscal obligations.What he does mention was the immediate sale of their jointly purchased home.This SINGLE,CHILDLESS woman probably sat down and realised that here she was already incurring huge losses and the wedding date was still almost a year away.This woman imho acted properly, she sat down, evaluated the situation, decided what she could/could not tolerate and then broke the engagement because she felt she could not enter into a marriage with all the legal'fiscal obligations it would place on her.

Btw, I did my time as a "damaged goods divorcee" which met usually that a man would date me, sleep with me but not be interested in any sort of deep commitment that entailed any sort of fiscal or parenting obligations to another man's children.For over a decade I kept my time reserved for supporting my family and kept my occasional socializing apart from my children.Now that my active parenting time has ended I am amazed at the sheer droves of men who married and had their kids late and are now divorced.These are the guys who wanted little to do with the likes of me years ago and now they become uppity and outraged because they're getting the same treatment they dished out during their single,salad days !

Sorry guys but I did my time flying as the sole support of several kids, I have no desire to rear another woman's children in the time I have left, quite frankly,even as an old "damaged good divorcee" I don't feel any man is worth that level of sacrifice, I'd think that a relatively young,childless woman with a decent career would be out of her mind to sign up to support another woman's children and deal with the never ending headaches involved with rearing step-children and the baby mama drama that usually sucks up all of a second wife's time and energy.

October 4, 2004

I have no desire to rear another woman's children in the time I have left, quite frankly,no man is worth that sacrifice at this point in time imho.

i wish all women thought like that. my x is now raising 3 kids with a guy thats 30 with 2 divorces and she's 19. Im 22. I tried pinpointing it....

October 4, 2004

Originally posted by mdk+dmw
i wish all women thought like that. my x is now raising 3 kids with a guy thats 30 with 2 divorces and she's 19. Im 22. I tried pinpointing it....

Please understand this,I feel for divorced fathers, particularly those who have custody it ain't easy being both mother and father.I also actually really enjoy the company of men but unfortunately I've raised my children,my youth was spent diapering asses and hustling 2/3 jobs to pay the rent.Now I'm in mid-life, time for me to spend my time and my money on myself, I have nothing in common lifestyle wise with a middle aged man who's struggling to rear young children and sadly I have zero desire to become reaquainted with that lifestyle.What's really nice is that I've stayed fit,trim and youthful looking,that in addition to a decent career has allowed me to hook up with a fabulous man who never had kids and has no desire to start:)

October 5, 2004

Thank you to everyone - Great points everyone.

My eyes are really opened.

To answer some of the questions - Yes, I did pick up a second job. I worked 7 days a week for the past year and a half. After the support and taxes were taken out I was still only bring home about $700.00 per month. Was that fair to her - No! I never even though about it until it was pointed out in this post. I am guilty of sliding and I'm sure this was the reason she canceled the engagement.

Since my position was eliminated my life has sprialed down hill and I think she carried the burdon more than I. I worred about the money so much it engulfed me and I became distant, quite, and depressed - a different person than who she fell in love with. Yes, it is my fault and I realize this now. I now feel alive and egar to reslove past issues. The house sold, I made some cash and indend on paying off my debt. I intend on getting back in school for a new career. I indend on making my life better first so I can in the future avoid the conflict again and focus my attention on the woman I love rather than becoming a hermit obsessed with finding a reslution to financial dificulties.

Maybe there is another chance for us in the future - I don't know. I can say I praise her for opening my eyes. I wish we could have talked about the issues as a couple but I can honestly say I don't know if that would have worked. She made me realize I am a better person and she woke the real man in me. I hope to one day thank her.

Jack

October 5, 2004

Just got off the phone with her - It started out upsetting. She was mad, mad at me, mad at the world. She told me we have no future together. I just kept a smile and was honest with her. I told her I understood why she broke off the engagement and that I was sorry. I admitted to her that for three years have have not been the man she fell in love with and I thanked her for opening my eyes. We spoke for 20 minutes more and even laughed a little. The conversation ended, not with hope for a future but maybe a friendship.

I sure miss her and wish she could see the same light as me. Maybe in time once things settle down. It's in God's hands now.

Jack

October 12, 2004

Another tough day. Just when I feel like I'm pulling myself together I have one or two of these days in a row.

I'm sticking by the NC rule and actually am afraid to talk to her - fear of negative crap being aimed at me again. I guess in the back of my head I am waiting for her to show up or call stating she made a mistake and wants me back in her life.

I hope she is doing ok and wonder if she thinks of me or misses me.

Sad and Lonely.

Sign In

After 7 years, a wedding planned, a home together, She needs space now?

Recommended Posts

jacksonww

polycube

jacksonww

polycube

jacksonww

jacksonww

mdk&dmw

jacksonww

She's Come Undone

chicothechimp

mymojo

Pharmboy

mymojo

Pharmboy

jacksonww

Pharmboy

mymojo

mdk&dmw

mymojo

jacksonww

jacksonww

jacksonww

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...