jeni45667 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 In my previous posts, I discussed my romantic feelings towards a friend/mentor who always helps me out. Last night, after thinking of pros and cons, I sent him a short text and said I'm interested and we could be a good fit... He responded very quickly and said he was very flattered and didn't know I saw him that way. He said that he thought we could be a good fit too, but he just started to date someone and wanted to give it a proper opportunity. What are your thoughts on this?
BluEyeL Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 It's a rejection. Just please move on. I'm sorry it didn't work out. 2
Janesays Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 It's a rejection. Just please move on. I'm sorry it didn't work out. Seconded. He was letting you down easy. 1
crude Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Sounds like a no. It was worth the try. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Your life will go on. More women should take a chance. Respect. 1
pcplod Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 It's an an explanation about an awkward situation. Accept it at face value. However, that does not mean that you should wait around, wondering. He has made it that clear. You don't have to see it as a simple rejection. Sometimes time and circumstances do actually conspire against us. You aren't the first and you certainly won't be the last. You could think that if he was keen enough on you that he would have dropped this other (supposed) woman in favour of you. But how do you feel about men like that? Of course, it may be that this other woman does not exist, in which case any future communication and contact between you, even as friends or acquaintances, is definitely going to be interesting. If she does not exist, I think that he should not have played it that way, even if it was somehow meant to be well-meaning. It typically does not work out well, no matter how it goes. Above all, don't let it put you off. If you do, you are only limiting yourself in the field that you might seek a suitable partner in. It is easy to think that the tradition of letting men always make the approach is preferable, but personally, I think it is just as difficult to reject someone, as be rejected. That has been my experience. But maybe that is because I care about others feelings as much as I do about my own. 1
Janesays Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I could have been, shocker, that he was actually dating someone else. imagine that. So it's NOT a rejection? They're dating each other now? It doesn't matter if he is or isn't actually dating someone else...he still rejected HER. He was letting her down easy by complimenting her and giving her an excuse. AGAIN, it doesn't matter if the excuse was true or not. The FACT of the matter is, he doesn't want to date her. Otherwise, he would. So maybe you can real in that attitude a bit? Because it's not productive to the OP. 1
daletom Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I wouldn't take it as an outright rejection even though it feels that way. It's an an explanation about an awkward situation. Accept it at face value . . . From the information given, this seems most likely. He sounds like a man of integrity who intends to stick by his commitments and doesn't intend to play one opportunity against another. The original post mentioned an on-going, non-romantic relationship with the guy. Based on this comment I doubt that he would fabricate something like this just to turn her down unless he has a character trait of pathological deceit. (Unfortunately there are people like that. The ones I'm familiar with are all managers.) 1
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Aww at least you went for it though, that is majorly ballsy! I would stay in contact with him occasionally because I mean if he just started dating someone than it could always not work out and then you can try again good luck! Oh and at the same time don't wait around on him to dump this girl just play it cool, keep in contact but still date around get it girl! 1
Author jeni45667 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 I really appreciate all the advice Is there a good way to keep in contact without being annoying? Also, what's a good way to behave when I meet him again for our mentoring meetings?
daletom Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 (Yeah, I forgot to mention - I'm also quite impressed by your move.) Is there a good way to keep in contact without being annoying? What's wrong with continuing the "mentoring" relationship you have? . . . Also, what's a good way to behave when I meet him again for our mentoring meetings? Speaking as a guy, and generally regarded as a quiet-and-shy one, I admire honesty and forthrightness, especially in women. Denial, avoidance, flattery, manipulation, cattiness, are major turn-offs both personally and professionally. I don't think you should pretend that nothing happened - your cards are on the table and he knows your thoughts. But there's certainly no reason to apologize, or even try to retract or back-pedal. For now just accept and respect the fact that he is attached to somebody else. It's OK for you to make casual references to your personal life (e.g., "Last night I went to the ballgame with a guy.", or maybe even "What are some ideas for a different kind of first-date with a guy I met at church?") but avoid anything that looks like prying into the romantic end of his personal life (like, "What did YOU do last weekend?" - though "Did you do anything special for Mother's Day?" is somewhat personal but not in a romantic sense, and possibly even a good suggestion.). If he mentions his dating relationship or person, you are certainly free to make honest comments but don't try to "sell" yourself as being better than she is, in any way. Depending on his experience, he may have seen your comments as a kind of "crush" that students get for teachers. If so he probably expects that with a little benign neglect it will run its course and no harm come of it. That's not something to sabotage an effective mentoring situation over. Many incarnations ago I found myself attracted to a few women in my workplace. Not the pert, bubbly, fashionable ones behind the lobby desk, but rather somewhat plain-looking mathematicians and scientists with advanced degrees who worked on project teams with me. Simply having those feelings was rather disturbing to me, since I was very married and I knew or suspected that the women were also in some kind of relationship. (One in particular was about 15 years older, also very married, and had kids in High School!) I never made mention or even a remote allusion to the feelings but in at least one case I sensed that it was reciprocal. In a puzzling, intangible, way I think the attraction improved our ability to work together. It's possible you may find that kind of synergy in your mentoring relationship. 1
pteromom Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Kudos to you for putting it out there. Awesome! I agree with everyone else that it was a rejection. He may or may not really be dating someone else. But you should feel great about being honest and taking the risk. 1
HuffmanMontana Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Would you want a guy that would so easily dump someone? Be cool, maybe his new interest fizzles out in a few weeks or a couple months. If he has interest in you he will make it known very soon. In the meantime, keep doing your thing. I think it's awesome you stepped out and made the effort. 1
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