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I pushed my fiance away but there is a lot of love between us. Can I fix it?

picklypickly

By picklypickly
in Second Chances

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Leigh, I know you're hurting. But it is enough. Stop saying you wish your ex would love you as much as someone else in every single topic.

I would not love the person like you have turned into. So much negativity, venting. Gosh, even people who were dumped after longer lasting relationships were not like this.

 

 

 

 

It has been two weeks man.

 

I have accepted he has gone forever.

 

The thing is, when we WERE together, he gave every indication that he DID love me as much as ANY man could possibly love a women.

 

Really - it feels strange to think that they way the guy made you feel while he was WITH you, does not result in the same ending as this poster.

 

Really. I actually do not doubt my guy loved me less cos I felt it.

 

It is just annoying how some exes come back and some don't.

aisuru Established Member

aisuru

Posted
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It is just annoying how some exes come back and some don't.

 

It's because of those specific relationships and their exes, ie. the posters we hear from here. Really read what some of these posters have said and shared re: their relationships, breakups, and behaviors after the breakups. It'll provide you some insight on what you should be doing now, not just what you should be saying. It might help you.

OwlSoul Established Member

OwlSoul

Posted
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It is just annoying how some exes come back and some don't.
If you'd read my topic, it was me who 'returned back' or 'reached out', although I was the dumped one lol. So nope, it is not totally up to the dumpers. It is about both sides.

 

Okie, so I broke the NC yesterday. He was showing some positive signs. It's been like a month since he asked for a space. So I decided to ask him for his decision. He seems to be still not very sure, saying he was waiting for so long to be totally sure he wants to continue. Welp, as I still was standing my ground about knowing the answer (it was not an ultimatum shaped-question), he said he wants to continue. He wants to take it slow though, so do I.
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picklypickly Member

picklypickly

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Well, I guess this is the final update.

 

Contacted my ex yesterday after he said in an IM he'd like to try it again. I want to know definitely and for sure if he has his heart in it because he's not answering my calls but is answering my e-mails.

 

I asked him straight up if we're going to do this once we both heal. I forwarded an e-mail he sent me 6 days ago where he wrote:

 

"I need time and space to heal and become who I was. I don't want to be with anyone else either."

 

Anyway, he responded saying the other night really upset him and he's afraid. Today I found out his work is not having him come back to NY in August or October like we thought.

 

It seems hopeless. How do you rekindle a love when you're a continent away? I don't think we will see each other before he leaves; this makes me sad. I will continue to work on myself though.

 

We met online, so I'm okay with talking to him online before I decide whether or not to use my ticket to see him for a month this Dec.-Jan. (he said he would welcome me) but I'm not at the point where we can actually talk yet.

 

So, kind of in limbo and it sucks. One minute he says he wants it, the other he says he's afraid.

 

Depression is a bitch.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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My ex said that he did not want to be with anyone else, yet he needed space from my issues.

 

It is true; they are still too stuck on us to move on anytime soon.

 

Look, you can either go no contact with him and let him realise if he wants you back one day

 

or

 

you can chat to him for a few weeks WITHOUT mentioning any drama, and see how it goes.

 

If you take the second option, which I know you will (nc is too hard when you have any hope) then DO NOT mention ANYTHING about the relationship or just anything negative about life.

 

If you do not feel like you can STOP talking about relationship crap, then frankly, you will drive him away.

 

Can you see why cutting contact altogether works? You will probably only push him away if you talk for now, as you are sure to bring stuff up that he has no interest on talking about.

 

Guys hate talking about the relationship and etc.

 

..............

 

 

Guys can come back. Ours might. But yeah those two things are the ONLY options.

 

I am about to start no contact (we have been texting lightly) but we do not see each other.

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picklypickly Member

picklypickly

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I think I'm going to do NC for a little while to clear my head and then LC.

OwlSoul Established Member

OwlSoul

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Posted

OP, I was in the same position as you. And I explained in my topic the steps I have taken. It worked for me. So welp, up to you whether to actually start a hard work or let it go. Just passively staying in NC won't help at all.

Since right now, from your posts, you're pressuring the person all the time. You are demanding and etc. Is it possible to rekindle the love? Yes, it is ****ing is. But it is also hard, since you have to stop putting all the eggs into one basket - demand the world from your partner.

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picklypickly Member

picklypickly

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Hey, not sure what you mean.

 

You mean limited contact but keep it light?

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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dude, he has to have time so SEE if he still wants her.

 

Loving her is not necessarily enough, given what she can be like (no offence, I am sure your a wonderful fiancé in all ways, but you have to admit that mental illness is not easy for your loved once to deal with, especially the men in your life)

 

She AT LEAST needs to keep very low contact. If she has depression, she would, at times, become unstable. That means she will ask him questions and want to talk about things that will push him further away.

 

The op should at least, if she cannot do NC, she should BAN herself from texting him when she is in the midst of her depression! That way, you will not say anything you will later regret.

 

If you talk to him, remember: casual, light, asking about his life, talking in depth about things yes, just no heavy personal ****e about your depression or the RELATIONSHIP.

 

NEVER mention the relationship to him.

 

If you cannot keep things light and fun with him, with no crying or deep issue being brought up - go for it!

 

Although every one here will mostly push for NC.

OwlSoul Established Member

OwlSoul

Posted
Posted
dude, he has to have time so SEE if he still wants her.
Dude, you guys have to understand that the dumpers who say that they love you but still not with you simply feel 2 feelings: they both want you back and do not want you back.

 

Loving her is not necessarily enough, given what she can be like
Going just to NC is also not enough. There should be a complex of steps towards the getting back self-esteem, being able to live without the person as happy as with the person and etc. I'm sure the OP is doing this already/or going to do. It just takes a lot of time :)

 

She AT LEAST needs to keep very low contact. If she has depression, she would, at times, become unstable.
I am not saying do not do the NC. I'm pointing out that NC itself doesn't help. I have been reading topics of the people who were just doing NC, instead of working harder/meeting a therapist for getting their self back.

 

The op should at least, if she cannot do NC, she should BAN herself from texting him when she is in the midst of her depression!
Agree :)

The thing I learnt is - never contact your ex if you're really emotional. It is hard, really, but it helps a lot.

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picklypickly Member

picklypickly

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I accept the breakup. I agree we needed to break up; I couldn't sustain a relationship with anyone, especially not him since I loved him so much and was so afraid my depression would mess things up that sometimes I was on edge.

 

However, I'm working on myself and am working towards a reconciliation someday when I am ready and we've both healed.

 

We've been having pretty regular contact via e-mail about other topics (Tough Mudder, cracking jokes, our lunch, etc.). Basically it sounds like our old convos, except without the "I love you's."

 

Not getting emotional with him. I asked him if we could hang out for his birthday and he said "I thought you couldn't be my friend. I don't know what you want anymore."

 

I think the reason I couldn't be his friend was because I knew he'd be standoffish a little, but if we can just hang out and be nice to each other like in our e-mails, I'd be fine.

 

I think we'll definitely hang out.

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picklypickly Member

picklypickly

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Ex has said he's enjoyed our lighthearted and fun conversations these past few days. I asked him to hang out the day before yesterday and he said he might feel awkward.

 

But yesterday he said he wants to go bowling soon.

 

How do I get him to hang out? :) I'm not bringing up "us," just having fun. He likes it.

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