How to meet girls as an introvert?

[furiousgreen]

Hello,

 

I am currently finishing my freshman year of university. I'm quite introverted (and shy), but not for lack of self-confidence. I just tend to like staying at home (I live off campus) working on personal projects or learning new things when I have free time. I suppose I have very "intellectual" interests: science, politics, math, computers, history, philosophy, etc. I have a small social circle and I mainly just like to interact with close friends (none of which are girls). I don't go to parties or clubs and I don't really belong to any campus groups. I think political activism is very important and I sometimes go to activist events, but I'm not part of the community.

 

I really don't mind this lifestyle, I'm naturally introverted and I'm fine with having a few close friends. However, I've been wanting to get a girlfriend and it seems unlikely to happen at this rate. I don't get interested in girls based on physical appearance, so I have no inclination (even if I had the courage) to randomly approach them in class. When I do talk to girls in my classes we tend to have little in common, so we just end up talking about school and the conversation goes nowhere.

 

During the entire school year I only met one girl I was interested in, and she seemed to have some interest in me. She invited me to come to a dance event (not sure if she wanted to dance with me) and I declined from shyness. In any case, nothing came of that.

 

So here's the dilemma: I want to get a girlfriend, but I don't fit in with any club on campus. I don't want to be more extroverted, and even if I were I would probably meet the kind of girls I'm not interested in anyway.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[dirtysweet]

Why don't you try online dating sites like okcupid? I find that I have a lot more men hit on me on those sites than in real life, and I think it's because it's less confrontational and anxiety provoking.

 

It's also easier to cope with if you are rejected on the dating websites because it's not like the person is doing it to your face or anything. Women can be cruel sometimes when they reject a guy (I know because I am one) and online we don't really have to answer if we aren't interested. Thus, no one comes out feeling like a buffoon.

 

I've been rejected on dating sites (mostly I let guys msg first but a few times I've msged men first) and it's really easy to get over and move on than it would be if I were rejected face to face.

[Ed the 3rd]

Just a fair warning though unless your a footballer or something stupid online dating is going to suck pretty hard for you. For a lot of woman OLD is like buying a car; if its not perfect they don't give it the time of day.

 

You're best off just suppressing your introverted nature and introducing yourself to girls you like even if its silly small talk.

[hppr]

Plenty of guys out there just like you and there are girls who are that way too. Like the other guy said OLD is lame, you have to look like a Jock or Club type of guy to get dates most of the time and if you are introverted it will just further frustrate you. You are much better off learning how to 'go out' a little bit at a time, learn how to make friends/associate with guys and girls and then worry about 'getting a girlfriend'.

[aliceinthebox]

Well, if you aren't the type to care about looks the only way you will find someone is if you find a girl you're interested in and the only way that is going to happen is if you meet more girls and gain some confidence. I'm sorry but you can't be shy and not lack confidence. If you had the confidence then you would have been able to get over the shyness you felt and agreed to go with that girl or at least have taken a range check and asked her to go somewhere else with you another time. You might not lack confidence in looks or brains or speaking, but anytime you feel shy is a sign that you lack confidence in something which causes you to feel shy. Anyway, you can be introverted, but we are in a world that requires you to socialize meaning you have learn to be extroverted when the situation calls for it. I'm introverted myself, but I'll be extroverted when the situation arises that includes when amongst friends of other friends because I don't want my friends worrying about having t take care of me. That's a bit off topic... but the only options you have that allow you to stay introverted are meeting people online or having someone fall in your lap through a friend or some random occurrence. If you don't want to use these methods which are unreliable then you gotta put yourself out there and that requires being extroverted on occasion. Don't think of it as you forcing yourself to be something you're not and instead think of it as you still be you, but a you that talks to more people on occasion.

[Esoteric Elf]

That advice, "find someone who will love you for who you are", does not fit nicely with shy men. Dating advice for shy men revolves around, "feel more confident", "approach the girl", etc., things shy men usually do not do.

 

I am candidly sorry to say that you are not in a good position

[El Brujo]

OP, I've been in your situation before, and I can tell you from experience that your best shot is to find a meetup group of singles who have the same interests as you (or start one). The idea that your situation is hopeless is BS... you'd be surprised how fast the ice melts when you find others who speak your dialect.

 

But forget OLD, it's like a Mexican standoff because most of the men on there are just after sex, and most of the women on there are NOT going to initiate contact with the men... at least not the kinds of women most men would find attractive.

Edited May 29, 2013 by El Brujo

[furiousgreen]

Thank you all for the advice!

 

Well, if you aren't the type to care about looks the only way you will find someone is if you find a girl you're interested in and the only way that is going to happen is if you meet more girls and gain some confidence. I'm sorry but you can't be shy and not lack confidence. If you had the confidence then you would have been able to get over the shyness you felt and agreed to go with that girl or at least have taken a range check and asked her to go somewhere else with you another time. You might not lack confidence in looks or brains or speaking, but anytime you feel shy is a sign that you lack confidence in something which causes you to feel shy. Anyway, you can be introverted, but we are in a world that requires you to socialize meaning you have learn to be extroverted when the situation calls for it. I'm introverted myself, but I'll be extroverted when the situation arises that includes when amongst friends of other friends because I don't want my friends worrying about having t take care of me. That's a bit off topic... but the only options you have that allow you to stay introverted are meeting people online or having someone fall in your lap through a friend or some random occurrence. If you don't want to use these methods which are unreliable then you gotta put yourself out there and that requires being extroverted on occasion. Don't think of it as you forcing yourself to be something you're not and instead think of it as you still be you, but a you that talks to more people on occasion.

 

I really don't think this is the case. Being shy has always been part of my personality, and I'm very self-confident (except for minor appearance worries). I don't always express confidence outwardly though.

 

I did ask her to come to something else later actually, and while she couldn't make it, we chatted online and she did come to another thing I told her about. We just naturally lost interest in one another after that.

 

I guess being more extroverted when I find the right social circle couldn't hurt.

 

OP, I've been in your situation before, and I can tell you from experience that your best shot is to find a meetup group of singles who have the same interests as you (or start one). The idea that your situation is hopeless is BS... you'd be surprised how fast the ice melts when you find others who speak your dialect.

 

But forget OLD, it's like a Mexican standoff because most of the men on there are just after sex, and most of the women on there are NOT going to initiate contact with the men... at least not the kinds of women most men would find attractive.

 

Okay, that sounds good. I think I'm too young for singles meetup groups though; I wouldn't imagine that there would be many college-aged girls there.

 

Just a fair warning though unless your a footballer or something stupid online dating is going to suck pretty hard for you. For a lot of woman OLD is like buying a car; if its not perfect they don't give it the time of day.

 

You're best off just suppressing your introverted nature and introducing yourself to girls you like even if its silly small talk.

 

I just despise small talk, and I'm really bad at it. I find it difficult to feign interest. And the problem is that I don't see girls that I'd like to introduce myself to; how would I know if I like them if I haven't met them?

 

Another thing I've noticed is that I can really alienate (intimidate?) people in conversation, unless they have similar intellectual interests. I met a girl at the bus stop the other day. This is how the conversation started:

 

Girl: "What are you reading?"

Me: "Oh, it's a book on formal languages."

Girl: "For school or for fun?"

Me: "Just for fun."

 

The conversation went on for a bit after that, but she was clearly alienated from the beginning. Besides, we had nothing in common. This is why I'm so puzzled by the casual dating culture; it seems like I can only meaningfully interact with a tiny portion of the population. And it's not just technical subjects; many people my age are averse to talking about world issues or anything that I regard as important.

[GravityMan]

That advice, "find someone who will love you for who you are", does not fit nicely with shy men. Dating advice for shy men revolves around, "feel more confident", "approach the girl", etc., things shy men usually do not do.

 

I am candidly sorry to say that you are not in a good position

 

Keep in mind that furiousgreen is finishing up his freshman year at university...meaning that he is likely between the ages of 18-20. Still very young and developing. He's still young enough to overcome his shyness without too much difficulty if he just puts forth a little effort and gets out of his comfort zone.

 

Many young adults come out of their shells socially and blossom during their college years.

 

OTOH, for shy guys who's 35+ years old...yeah they're in a tough position, as it's much less likely that they'll ever overcome it and approach women. There may be a nice woman out there who is OK with it and makes a move on him, but such women are rare.

[furiousgreen]

Another thing is that I'm generally not very eloquent when speaking – I often phrase ideas awkwardly and this leads to awkward conversation, which I think makes bad first impressions. I'm not too funny either.

[ThomasD]

Another thing is that I'm generally not very eloquent when speaking – I often phrase ideas awkwardly and this leads to awkward conversation, which I think makes bad first impressions. I'm not too funny either.

I won't make specific suggestions but will try to give you a few things to think about.

 

I went through 4 years of college without real "dates", much less anything like a girlfriend. I was sitting in college graduation, watching friends receive their new diplomas. As many of the guys stepped down they were met by a wife or girlfriend (or both?) who imparted displays of affection bordering on sexual assault. I thought, "Hey! I must be the ONLY guy here who has never been laid!".

 

Well, I knew deep inside that I didn't want to just "get laid" - I wanted an intimate, mutually committed relationship with a life partner, that could express itself sexually. A few days later I was chatting with some much older (my parents' age) acquaintances and somehow it came out that "Girls avoid me like the plague.". A week or so later, they passed along (with her permission) the name and address of their niece and suggested I write.

 

- Because they were older, and acquainted with both of us, they could see compatibility traits that I hadn't even thought about.

 

We wrote, sight unseen, for over 3 months. The letters got progressively more serious. By the time we met in-person we almost certainly knew each other better than if we had been in a typical dating relationship for that time. (A year plus two weeks after that first meeting we married, and have been for almost 39 years.)

 

- In retrospect, that was a good way for two quiet-and-shy people to become acquainted on a very personal level.

 

Decades later I made the acquaintance of a man with a significant stuttering speech impediment. For most of us, it was extremely difficult to have a conversation with him beyond "Good morning.". But . . . he could present complex ideas in VERY organized, well-composed, concise emails or written documents. I have to wonder, "Which is the REAL person - the one who orders lunch by pointing at the menu, or the one who creates the especially effective documentation?".

 

Although people in general (both men and women) will have sex with just about any willing partner, they get rather picky about who they have long-term sexual relationships with. One significant factor is that people prefer partners with intelligence roughly equal, or a bit greater, than their own. Many incarnations ago, after I was very married, I worked briefly at what is sometimes called a "think tank" (or "Beltway Bandit"). I found myself especially attracted to some of the women there. But it wasn't the perky, bubbly, busty, gals with the pasted-on smiles who sat in the front lobby or guided visitors around. It was the chunky, sloppy-dressed, PhD Physicist who specialized in orbital mechanics. Or the short, very plain, mathematician who worked on cryptography projects - and was easily 15 years older than me!

 

- Appearance, and the cultural definition of "physically attractive", aren't necessarily bad things to start with but you may find other factors that make a person "attractive" to you (and, make you attractive to her).

 

If you are introverted, then you are introverted. Be very careful about trying to be something you aren't - most people can spot a phony, and will either steer clear of that person, or try to exploit that person's insecurities. Yes, your basic character will make it more difficult for you to find and date a compatible partner. You may choose to use some form of outside help (e.g., the couple who introduced my wife and I to each other, a (reputable) dating service, a support group for "shy" people, etc.).

[Feelin Frisky]

My advice is DON'T EVER DECLINE AN INVITATION LIKE THAT AGAIN. Even if you're not attracted to her, go as a platonic friend and hope she has friends or sisters. You can't meet another human being if you don't go out and face them. You just can't. So suck it up and throw yourself into it. Lucky for you you're a kid. But you don't want to get older and look back at what you've blown by telling yourself you're shy. Most people are a bit uncomfortable being thrown together with strangers--that's why alcohol has long been at the ready (unless you're a church-goer). So don't think anyone is concentrating on you--they are all concentrating on themselves and how they are perceived. The sooner you learn that and really internalize it, the sooner you will overcome the nerves. They are thinking about themselves--not you. Keep telling yourself that.

[BustedUpInside]

I just want to say that I really like shy people for the most part. Once you get to know them, they always seem to be the most interesting people. Cool, smart, and usually have good ideas for things to do.

 

That being said, the hard part is drawing them out. They are shy, right!

 

My advice for you is to just try to talk to one new person almost every day. It doesn't have to be huge, it doesn't have to be a long conversation. Just start with a hello. If you are talking to a girl you can say something like, "I'm not trying to be weird, but my mom's/sister's/aunt's/friend's birthday is coming up and your sweater/necklace/earrings/shoes/purse look really nice. Can you tell me where you got it? Believe me, most girls will be happy to chat away about that topic for awhile. Then you can get more information that will have you be more comfortable talking to her.

 

Plus, if you talk to one girl, and she doesn't seem very into the conversation, you can try to have her draw another person into the conversation. For example, you ask about a restaurant and she says that she has never tried it. Then you could counter with, "Do you know anyone who has eaten there? I am just trying to figure out if it is worth a try." She will probably know someone or even bring that person into the conversation.

 

These, of course, aren't full-proof, but I think if you try, you might find out that a lot of people are naturally chatty and if you put in a little work at the beginning they will be happy to take over from there.

[furiousgreen]

If you are introverted, then you are introverted. Be very careful about trying to be something you aren't - most people can spot a phony, and will either steer clear of that person, or try to exploit that person's insecurities. Yes, your basic character will make it more difficult for you to find and date a compatible partner. You may choose to use some form of outside help (e.g., the couple who introduced my wife and I to each other, a (reputable) dating service, a support group for "shy" people, etc.).

 

Wow, that's a really sweet story Congratulations on being married for so long! And thank you for the advice.

 

My advice is DON'T EVER DECLINE AN INVITATION LIKE THAT AGAIN. Even if you're not attracted to her, go as a platonic friend and hope she has friends or sisters. You can't meet another human being if you don't go out and face them. You just can't. So suck it up and throw yourself into it. Lucky for you you're a kid. But you don't want to get older and look back at what you've blown by telling yourself you're shy. Most people are a bit uncomfortable being thrown together with strangers--that's why alcohol has long been at the ready (unless you're a church-goer). So don't think anyone is concentrating on you--they are all concentrating on themselves and how they are perceived. The sooner you learn that and really internalize it, the sooner you will overcome the nerves. They are thinking about themselves--not you. Keep telling yourself that.

 

Eh... I don't think it would have been good to go; I really don't regret it. I would have been uncomfortable the whole night (since I would not have danced). And alcohol doesn't do much for me.

 

I just want to say that I really like shy people for the most part. Once you get to know them, they always seem to be the most interesting people. Cool, smart, and usually have good ideas for things to do.

 

That being said, the hard part is drawing them out. They are shy, right!

 

My advice for you is to just try to talk to one new person almost every day. It doesn't have to be huge, it doesn't have to be a long conversation. Just start with a hello. If you are talking to a girl you can say something like, "I'm not trying to be weird, but my mom's/sister's/aunt's/friend's birthday is coming up and your sweater/necklace/earrings/shoes/purse look really nice. Can you tell me where you got it? Believe me, most girls will be happy to chat away about that topic for awhile. Then you can get more information that will have you be more comfortable talking to her.

 

Plus, if you talk to one girl, and she doesn't seem very into the conversation, you can try to have her draw another person into the conversation. For example, you ask about a restaurant and she says that she has never tried it. Then you could counter with, "Do you know anyone who has eaten there? I am just trying to figure out if it is worth a try." She will probably know someone or even bring that person into the conversation.

 

These, of course, aren't full-proof, but I think if you try, you might find out that a lot of people are naturally chatty and if you put in a little work at the beginning they will be happy to take over from there.

 

Thanks for the advice. The problem is that I'm terrible at small talk; I'm not good enough of an actor to pretend I'm interested in her sweater.

 

It's not that I can't talk to girls in general; I had a great conversation with one the other day about all sorts of topics. I just haven't encountered many like-minded girls, but when I do we get along nicely. I just have a problem of connecting to most people in general, and I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. It just makes social interactions harder.

[Els]

There is a difference between being introverted, and point-blank declining an invitation the way you did. Obviously if you constantly turn people down the way you mentioned, after a while everyone will just stop inviting you.

 

That being said, IMO there's nothing wrong with connecting with a smaller % of the population. What has prevented you from asking out the few like-minded girls whom you meet?

[luvurselfow]

same situation i am introverted but im a girl.. I'm attractive yet single. Many say im beautiful but guys dont approach me...maybe some are intimidated or think that im stuck up coz as introvert im just naturally quiet person. .

[ThomasD]

same situation i am introverted but im a girl..

As a male guy person of the masculine sex (and on the shy/introverted end of the scale) I can't offer specific suggestions. The general advice would be to find some activity that interests you, even if it's only moderately co-ed - and see if developing acquaintances in that environment leads to a more personal friendship. Or, as happened to me, let some trusted older adults in your life know of your desire and see what happens.

 

You're right that as a shy guy I'd probably misinterpret your natural behavior as a flat rejection. Another problem is that more outgoing people tend to assume quiet and shy folks have weak personalities and automatically dismiss the person as uninteresting, not worth the effort to draw out - or try to take advantage of them, or tease and ridicule them. In fact - many quiet and shy people have rather strong personalities (perhaps developed as a countermeasure to the dismissive attitudes, teasing, and ridicule they have endured).

 

As an adult I have noticed quite a few couples where both were somewhat withdrawn, and wondered how they happened to find each other. Among my (baby boomer) generation my own story is quite the exception, though online dating has made it rather common among much younger folks.

[furiousgreen]

There is a difference between being introverted, and point-blank declining an invitation the way you did. Obviously if you constantly turn people down the way you mentioned, after a while everyone will just stop inviting you.

 

That being said, IMO there's nothing wrong with connecting with a smaller % of the population. What has prevented you from asking out the few like-minded girls whom you meet?

 

I don't constantly do it, I do generally go out with friends when they invite me.

 

I guess I only met one like-minded girl this year, that one that I recently had a nice conversation with, but she has a boyfriend.

 

same situation i am introverted but im a girl.. I'm attractive yet single. Many say im beautiful but guys dont approach me...maybe some are intimidated or think that im stuck up coz as introvert im just naturally quiet person. .

 

Here is my advice, for what it's worth (probably not much, since I'm shy too).

 

I find it easier to talk to shy girls than extroverted ones. However, I met one girl who was extremely shy to the point of seeming unfriendly. I know she didn't intend it though. I think it's important to avoid doing this (that goes for me as well).

[luvurselfow]

Here is my advice, for what it's worth (probably not much, since I'm shy too).

 

I find it easier to talk to shy girls than extroverted ones. However, I met one girl who was extremely shy to the point of seeming unfriendly. I know she didn't intend it though. I think it's important to avoid doing this (that goes for me as well).

 

thanks for the advice, actually i can say am not really shy im just quiet..i mean im not into chit chat or small talks. My friends say when they met me its like i dont exist but once they get to know me they really like me coz i am funny and can make them laugh..its because im already comfortable with them and more chatty and talkative. Someone said it right those who are extremely extroverted cant understand introversion will ridicule and tease you..but im used to that already and dont mind much. When it comes to dating the guys that approach me are the bad boy type..those who are conceited, unemployed or drug addict.the over confident. Average good guys and nice guy seems shy to me they cant look in the eye. So if you are shy just have the courage to approach or talk to a girl. You never know shes just waiting for you. Sorry for my english not my first language.