My first day of NC

[zevahc]

So after trying LC for awhile and failing twice, we mutually made the decision to go NC. I'm heartbroken even though this is the right decision. I met this morning for IC and was told of my obvious options...although it did help. My options were go back to a full A, stay in LC, get caught eventually, end it all, or push for her to be with me and leave her BS.

 

We chose to end things. Neither of us wants to start anything out of an A and she feels at some point she had to honor her commitment and see if she can fix her M. It's the right choice for now I know...but I'm still so heartbroken. I told her I can't be friends right now. I don't hate her....but it's too painful. I did tell her that I will always love her and hope she finds what she wants.

 

I hate the heartbreak...dreading the coming weeks/months....but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For those of you who haven't read my other posts..I was once the BS, stuck with only the choice of healing...honestly, at least then I didn't have a choice but to heal...this was harder in many ways. I love this woman so much.

[whichwayisup]

Good thing is, there's nice weather out, so keep busy and take advantage of being outside! Imagine going through this and being stuck indoor a lot in the winter time.

 

Cry and cry some more. Let yourself grieve.

 

Reach out to your good friends and family that you trust and know will have your back to help you through this and also keep you laughing! Like all crappy things in life that happens, don't lose your sense of humour.

 

Anytime you feel like breaking NC, log onto LS and write what you want to say to her on here.

[NPP10]

Hang in there! It'll be worth it in the long run.

 

Focus on yourself. Is there something that is an interest of yours that you've been wanting to try?! Go for it!! It's a great way to meet new people too

[zevahc]

How did it go? How are you feeling today?

 

I feel horrible. I took off work today to cry and grieve...and try and keep myself busy. We work together, but not in the same area so it wouldn't have been that we would have seen each other...but I didn't feel i could sit at my desk and focus. I'm crying...i'm heartborken, and I'm frustrated.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing..for her and I both..for our health..for her spouse, for everything..but I hate that I feel like I've lost my best friend and soulmate. I wish that I could go back to where our friendship was healthy. I don't want to lose her from my life forever, but at the same time I cannot be friends with her at the moment without missing her and wanting more. I hate it all....I truly feel like I've lost my other half....and the thing is. I was raised to know better. I do care about her marriage and part of walking away is to encourage her to work on that one way or the other. But selfishly I don't understand. I know it boils down to personal choices and decisions that are wrong. But why I can meet someone I connect with in the wrong circumstance...but can't manage to do it under the right ones is beyond me.

 

Just heartbroken and lost...hoping one day at a time gets me where I need..

[zevahc]

I'm sorry you are hurting. Just work on getting through it an hour or so at a time. Pain eases with time.

 

I'm trying. I just want my friendship to heal.

[DelusionalOne]

NC sucks. It really does. A some point it becomes "the new normal".

The memories linger, as does the missing and the longing. But you start to forget them as being part of your everyday life. It becomes "normal" that you don't talk to them everyday. I can't say, at this point, that it becomes easier... Just a new kind of normal. Hang in there. I am so sorry you are hurting. The memory of what you are feeling right now bring tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. Keep reach out here...as the emotions will change almost hourly it seems. There is always someone to talk to.

[zevahc]

NC sucks. It really does. A some point it becomes "the new normal".

The memories linger, as does the missing and the longing. But you start to forget them as being part of your everyday life. It becomes "normal" that you don't talk to them everyday. I can't say, at this point, that it becomes easier... Just a new kind of normal. Hang in there. I am so sorry you are hurting. The memory of what you are feeling right now bring tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. Keep reach out here...as the emotions will change almost hourly it seems. There is always someone to talk to.

 

Thank you. I just hope this gut wrenching feeling that I'm letting go the greatest thing that ever happened to me goes away. I have to respect the marriage. But why does it feel like I'm losing the person I was meant to be with...? Don't get me wrong. I realize others have felt this. It just became clear to me that she can't address her life and marriage with me in the picture. It hurts.

[DelusionalOne]

Thank you. I just hope this gut wrenching feeling that I'm letting go the greatest thing that ever happened to me goes away. I have to respect the marriage. But why does it feel like I'm losing the person I was meant to be with...? Don't get me wrong. I realize others have felt this. It just became clear to me that she can't address her life and marriage with me in the picture. It hurts.

 

I can relate to everything you are feeling. Don't worry about what others out here feel or don't feel... You are allowed to feel any way you want. I feel like there is a big gaping hole, part of me missing... And that's after 4 months of NC. My concern is that I will always feel that way and just learn to live with it.

 

Just keep talking. Let it out. Cry if you want. Scream in the car while driving. I highly recommend kickboxing and yoga (and yoga is not a girly thing).

[zevahc]

I can relate to everything you are feeling. Don't worry about what others out here feel or don't feel... You are allowed to feel any way you want. I feel like there is a big gaping hole, part of me missing... And that's after 4 months of NC. My concern is that I will always feel that way and just learn to live with it.

 

Just keep talking. Let it out. Cry if you want. Scream in the car while driving. I highly recommend kickboxing and yoga (and yoga is not a girly thing).

 

Thanks. I know. It's a process. I'm hating it. I just hope I can force through to a healthy place quick. I know its optimism. But hoping i can.

[RickFox]

Stop trying to force it, you can't do that. All you can do is give it time and realize you will have days where you don't care and days where you can't get that person out of your head. I'm at about two years out and I wish I could tell you xmw doesn't cross my mind, but she does. I don't yearn or long for her as I once did, I don't wonder where she is or what she's doing or with who, I have made myself understand it is NOT my concern. It doesn't mean I don't miss her at times, but it means that I go on with my life. I was fine before I met her and I am fine now (mostly).

 

You're world isn't ending, she's not yours, never truly was, and I promise you, her life will move on just fine without you as well. You can't wonder about what it could have been, because simply put, it never was.

[Owl]

Just a thought...but make sure you're doing something with that time you used to spend focused on her.

 

Hit the gym, start running, take up martial arts. Working out can leave you physically and mentally exhausted enough to sleep, and help you cope with the stress you're going through right now.

[zevahc]

Just a thought...but make sure you're doing something with that time you used to spend focused on her.

 

Hit the gym, start running, take up martial arts. Working out can leave you physically and mentally exhausted enough to sleep, and help you cope with the stress you're going through right now.

 

I do what I can. But I'm a single parent so that dictates much of my schedule.

[zevahc]

So it's my second day of NC (or 2 1/2 depending on who's being consumed by it). I woke up this morning and the feelings were soooo different than yesterday. Today, literally upon opening my matted eyes (crying + allergies), I thought immediately about how putting my arms around her just to hold her were done...about the fact that I won't kiss her lips again. Since I've been the BS before (10 years ago), after dealing with all of those emotions so much is coming back that was familiar. I remember the entire process now like it was yesterday. I had honestly moved to a better place (not completely forgotten), but had true healing over my ex's A 10 years ago. I no longer love her, forgot about the pain and had really healed. I had completely forgiven her and the OM though I don't have contact with them except for my daughter's sake (she lives with me).

 

But...this morning...I was so sad thinking about just not being able to hug her. I know tomorrow will bring a different emotion. But wow...I remember sitting at home 10 years ago thinking I'll never see my wife again...and even though I was betrayed it took me a long time to accept that the comfort of that person, that body was no longer there.

 

Anyhow...i needed to get this off my chest so to speak...for me, the writing is therapeutic...it doesn't matter so much to me who thinks what (though some of you are very helpful and encouraging in this process). But this is for me...I have my next IC appointment early next week. I look forward to being able to talk to someone face to face.

[ComingInHot]

zevahc wrote, " I do what I can. But I'm a single parent so that dictates much of my schedule."

 

I know that talking about a new different relationship is probably the last thing on your mind so consider this comment "for future reference" ... but do you have ANY Idea How many other single (female) parents would trip over their tonsils to be w/you?!?!!

 

Ever volunteer for your child's PTO/PTA group?

 

I hope you are doing if not good then alright today zevahc*

[zevahc]

zevahc wrote, " I do what I can. But I'm a single parent so that dictates much of my schedule."

 

I know that talking about a new different relationship is probably the last thing on your mind so consider this comment "for future reference" ... but do you have ANY Idea How many other single (female) parents would trip over their tonsils to be w/you?!?!!

 

Ever volunteer for your child's PTO/PTA group?

 

I hope you are doing if not good then alright today zevahc*

 

Problem is, I don't really know too many single women parents...i know many many married ones and have many great female friends. I've never ever crossed a boundary with any of them before either or has it even crossed my mind. I do volunteer when i can, but it's a balance between that and work since they are great to work with me as a single parent. I recently volunteered for one of her field trips and had a blast....yet i didn't meet a single "single" female parent...only married ones...lol

 

when the time is right i suppose it will happen...

[Praying4Peace]

Hi Zevahc,

 

How are you doing today? I hope that you have good luck with your IC, otherwise find someone else (give it a few sessions). I would say find joy in raising your daughter for now. Forget about exMOW. If its meant to be, it will be. But do NOT wait around, because it might be meant to be that there is someone out there that is just for you...and don't stand in the way of your own destiny.

 

I promise that its gets better and the specifics fade away...like feeling her arms around you, etc.

 

You sound like a really great guy- it must be hellish to be a BS and an OM. I can't fathom it. Are they painful in the same way? I find people who have been on both sides very interesting.

 

Have a nice weekend and keep posting.

[zevahc]

Hi Zevahc,

 

How are you doing today? I hope that you have good luck with your IC, otherwise find someone else (give it a few sessions). I would say find joy in raising your daughter for now. Forget about exMOW. If its meant to be, it will be. But do NOT wait around, because it might be meant to be that there is someone out there that is just for you...and don't stand in the way of your own destiny.

 

I promise that its gets better and the specifics fade away...like feeling her arms around you, etc.

 

You sound like a really great guy- it must be hellish to be a BS and an OM. I can't fathom it. Are they painful in the same way? I find people who have been on both sides very interesting.

 

Have a nice weekend and keep posting.

 

Praying4Peace...I know it gets better. And your first paragraphn about not wanting the situation/her etc...to stand in the way of possibly something great. Well, that's part of why she wants to let me go...she feels she's been very selfish and that I can't move on (she's right). This was mutual...I had reasons, she had reasons....both very valid.

 

As far as having gone through both. I sat there thinking a lot about this the other day and even talked to my IC about this...when I was the BS, my ex started the A, and 4 days later left the house...she left me and our 18 month old...I was emotionally destroyed, but had to remain a parent. Looking back, I did the best I could, but I was an absolute wreck. Crying while changing diapers, feeding, holding my child...it's a wonder she is as wonderful as she is...I wasn't like that all the time, but I wonder what a small child thinks of this crazy person holding them...(that's what hits me now). The difference between that and now...well, in that situation I had no choice. I was immediately thrust into essentially NC...or very very LC because she left. The healing process in essence started then, though it took me a full 3 years and watching her continue to hurt our child in ways she'll never understand (continually promises broken), that finally got me over her...and on the road to healing and moving forward. I was in a very very great place a few years ago. Very content and actually incredibly happy...and single! I loved who and where I was in life. I will say this situation is different, for one..i knew my ex was a cheater...she cheated when we dated twice...and I got back with her. She lied constantly. There was never really trust...but she had my child...and I felt this need to be with her back then (i was young, stupid and naive, but I will say it worked out for the best...i have my child). This situation...this girl is not a liar...she isn't a habitual cheater though she obviously is doing that...but at the root of all that she is a good person that needs IC herself...she took the wrong road to fixing her marriage no doubt...or at least fixing what she needs fixed...be it her marriage or herself or whatever...that being said, she is a great person. Just caught in this situation just like the rest of us. I'm not justifying things. I'm saying that the pain is also different because I love great person...even though it's wrong. I don't think I'll ever get over her, and that is painful. But I can respect her for choosing her marriage and working on it. I can respect her for knowing she did wrong and feeling guilt (my ex didn't seem to care). In a weird way, it helps the hurt I feel be something that I can grow from rather than simply recover from...if that makes sense.

 

I know the days ahead are rough...and the similarity here is the grief...and feeling the loss of someone you love, because I did in fact love my ex wife...even though I didn't trust her. I CHOSE to love her when I married her. I get that it is a choice...not really a feeling. I don't think it would take me 3 years to feel like i'm okay again...like with my ex. Not because I love this girl less. In fact I love her much more, and it feels much different and right (even though it's not). But...i don't share a child with her, so I won't be seeing her every day...with my ex, I will have contact until my child is 18. Although very infrequent. Back then...it seemed like she was on my mind...for 3 years...24/7. I also felt like a complete failure in my marriage...even though I was not. I felt like it was something I couldn't do...and i've always been good at what I do...no matter what. I felt like a failure. In this other situation...i don't feel that way. I feel like it was wrong time and place...I'll heal. But probably won't ever quit loving her. I'll just accept that it wasn't right...and pick up the pieces....of course....you're catching me on a good day...i've been preoccupied all day and feel pretty good at the moment...day 3 of NC. Tomorrow could change

[sharingourconnection]

I woke up today to day 16 of NC. I had been struggling to write him a letter expressing everything I'm feeling. Today I did it. And I broke NC to send him a text and email telling him that I wrote something for him.

 

Let me back up. I'm the OW. He's married. Has been for 15 years. Unhappily so, for at least the last 10. We met through work on a business trip. We had a 5 month or so love affair. It wore on me. I ended things.

 

I've also been a BS. My (soon to be) ex-husband cheated on me with 4 different women. He was a serial cheating sex addict. He had lots of issues. We tried MC for a year and a half. Finally all of the compulsive lying was just more than I could handle.

 

Now I'm out here with my heart in shambles over a man who is unlike any other I've ever met. He said he wants to leave his marriage. He even moved to a new state to make the transition easier. But I sensed a distance and a hesitation. He has 3 children. I know they are paramount in his decision making process. I would never want to negatively influence him in regard to them.

 

So I'm trying to let go. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. He's on my mind constantly. Still, I think I'm doing the right thing. Today is a bit of an emotional day for me. I just wanted to let you know that I understand on so many levels.

[zevahc]

I woke up today to day 16 of NC. I had been struggling to write him a letter expressing everything I'm feeling. Today I did it. And I broke NC to send him a text and email telling him that I wrote something for him.

 

Let me back up. I'm the OW. He's married. Has been for 15 years. Unhappily so, for at least the last 10. We met through work on a business trip. We had a 5 month or so love affair. It wore on me. I ended things.

 

I've also been a BS. My (soon to be) ex-husband cheated on me with 4 different women. He was a serial cheating sex addict. He had lots of issues. We tried MC for a year and a half. Finally all of the compulsive lying was just more than I could handle.

 

Now I'm out here with my heart in shambles over a man who is unlike any other I've ever met. He said he wants to leave his marriage. He even moved to a new state to make the transition easier. But I sensed a distance and a hesitation. He has 3 children. I know they are paramount in his decision making process. I would never want to negatively influence him in regard to them.

 

So I'm trying to let go. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. He's on my mind constantly. Still, I think I'm doing the right thing. Today is a bit of an emotional day for me. I just wanted to let you know that I understand on so many levels.

 

You are doing the right thing. No matter what, his children should be at the forefront of his decisions... My MW doesn't have kids...but, even she and I agree my child has to come first. Keep your head up...i think somehow, in the thick of all this mess...there is an end...and no matter what it will be for the best....i hope.