SpiralOut Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I think I'm getting better at picking decent guys to date. Just had a first date tonight with a man who was extremely courteous, polite, thoughtful. Didn't say a single rude thing. He seems positive, well-rounded. We have stuff in common and by the end of the night we were making jokes. He seems like a grounded person. There was only one turnoff. It's not even really his fault, since he was in a longterm relationship and hasn't dated anyone seriously since then. So I can understand that he's new to dating. But he is extremely open about his opinion and sometimes asks me questions that make me feel uncomfortable. For example, asking for my opinion of him so far, what made me decide to meet up with him, etc. Basically asking for reassurances that I like him even though I hadn't had a chance to form an opinion yet. He has told me openly that he finds me attractive. Okay so maybe this is a GOOD thing that he's doing this? It just freaks me out to have such openness so quickly. It makes me feel put on the spot. I prefer to give compliments or express my opinion at a time when I feel comfortable doing so. I don't like being asked for it. And he just sent me a huge text, in which he called me attractive. Ahh!! See the thing is that I would like to see him again but I am freaked out by these things he says! Should I just get over it?? Maybe this kind of openness is what I need??
Author SpiralOut Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Okay so I texted him back agreeing that I'd like to meet up again. What am I doing? I am still freaked out. 1
Keenly Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I think he is just being overly obvious. Its a good thing, but in a poorly delivered manner. Sounds like he is nervous.
KathyM Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I detect a minor red flag. The guy is way overanxious if he is already pressuring you for an opinion of him during the first date and sending you a lengthy text right afterwards going on about your attractiveness. Seems a little too much pressure IMO. That would be a red flag. Men who try to force things or put too much pressure on someone they've just started dating are usually indications of a potentially abusive man, or a controlling man. I think you were right to feel there's something off about this.
Author SpiralOut Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Thank you for the quick responses! I'd been trying to decide if he was simply nervous, or if this is a red flag. He admitted to being nervous and told me he still feels new to the dating scene. Still, it puts me on edge to be picking up some insecurity/neediness already. The thing is that he has a life. He didn't push me to meet him quickly. He quite often has plans with other people - visiting family, camping with friends. So I don't think he would be demanding of my time. I don't know. I guess I will proceed with caution . . .
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I detect a minor red flag. The guy is way overanxious if he is already pressuring you for an opinion of him during the first date and sending you a lengthy text right afterwards going on about your attractiveness. Seems a little too much pressure IMO. That would be a red flag. Men who try to force things or put too much pressure on someone they've just started dating are usually indications of a potentially abusive man, or a controlling man. I think you were right to feel there's something off about this. LOL that's quite the assumption you're jumping to there. Viewpoints like these are why dating is so difficult these days. 2
KathyM Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 LOL that's quite the assumption you're jumping to there. Viewpoints like these are why dating is so difficult these days. I'm not assuming anything, I'm just saying it's not normal to be pressuring someone for their opinion about you and putting them on the spot like that on the very first date. It's odd, and that is how the OP perceived it as well. I'm just validating her perception. It IS odd. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I dont think its a red flag he stated he was nervous.....so his behaviour seems in line with that..not everybody knows exactly ythe right words to say on the first date....normally they are a little awkward.........give him a chance which you are..see if he settles a bit.......and i wish you well....deb 1
Author SpiralOut Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 I don't think I'll bother to see him again. He is very wishy-washy. We were supposed to meet tonight and he cancelled - for a good reason since he's sick - but even our plans for tonight had me annoyed because he never said what he wanted us to do exactly and he couldn't pick an exact time that he knew he'd be available to meet. He wanted me to wait there while he rushed around trying to get there on time, texting me his ETA every few minutes. And THEN he came right out and said his roommate is gone for a few weeks so maybe I could come over for a movie. Wow gee I wonder what he had in mind when he said that!! I don't know. I'm just very annoyed right now and need to vent.
FitChick Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) I personally prefer a man to be open because I like to know where I stand. It gives me more control over the situation. I'm sure this guy will find plenty of women happy to find a great catch after dating so many losers. How wonderful that you have so many other fabulous men just waiting for you to be free of this guy. Edited May 23, 2013 by FitChick 1
spiderowl Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I don't think I'll bother to see him again. He is very wishy-washy. We were supposed to meet tonight and he cancelled - for a good reason since he's sick - but even our plans for tonight had me annoyed because he never said what he wanted us to do exactly and he couldn't pick an exact time that he knew he'd be available to meet. He wanted me to wait there while he rushed around trying to get there on time, texting me his ETA every few minutes. And THEN he came right out and said his roommate is gone for a few weeks so maybe I could come over for a movie. Wow gee I wonder what he had in mind when he said that!! I don't know. I'm just very annoyed right now and need to vent. Yes, I guess that would be frustrating and irritating. Being sick doesn't stop you being definite about whether you can meet or not. 1
Author SpiralOut Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Looks like I dodged a bullet with this guy. I stupidly (against my better judgement) decided to meet up with him for one more date just to see if maybe I was being too hard on him. He cancelled on me at the last minute sending me a message about "you aren't acting very interested so I don't want to meet you. Good luck on your search." I responded by telling him that he had been scaring me with being so open about his feelings. You want to know what he said to that? "What are you talking about? I don't have any feelings for you. All I said was that I found you attractive." I explained that most men don't act the way he does unless they are really interested and want a relationship. He told me he doesn't want a relationship and that he hadn't meant anything that he had said. He had only said that stuff and acted that way to "be friendly". Yes. Because telling a woman "I don't care what we do so long as I get to see you!!" is something you say to "be friendly," not because you really like her. Either he never liked me and just pretended to, or he did like me and lied about it to save his ego. Either way, not cool.
Author SpiralOut Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) I personally prefer a man to be open because I like to know where I stand. It gives me more control over the situation. I'm sure this guy will find plenty of women happy to find a great catch after dating so many losers. How wonderful that you have so many other fabulous men just waiting for you to be free of this guy. Yeah I'm lucky I guess you and I have different preferences over who gets to wear the pants in the relationship. Edited June 9, 2013 by SpiralOut
spiderowl Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) Looks like I dodged a bullet with this guy. I stupidly (against my better judgement) decided to meet up with him for one more date just to see if maybe I was being too hard on him. He cancelled on me at the last minute sending me a message about "you aren't acting very interested so I don't want to meet you. Good luck on your search." I responded by telling him that he had been scaring me with being so open about his feelings. You want to know what he said to that? "What are you talking about? I don't have any feelings for you. All I said was that I found you attractive." I explained that most men don't act the way he does unless they are really interested and want a relationship. He told me he doesn't want a relationship and that he hadn't meant anything that he had said. He had only said that stuff and acted that way to "be friendly". Yes. Because telling a woman "I don't care what we do so long as I get to see you!!" is something you say to "be friendly," not because you really like her. Either he never liked me and just pretended to, or he did like me and lied about it to save his ego. Either way, not cool. Spiral, I'm sorry to hear how he's been. One thing I've learned over the years (being an older woman) is that guys find women attractive and it has nothing to do with feelings for them - it's a purely primitive sexual response. If a guy feels more than that for you, he'll be happy to spend time talking and just socialising. If he has little patience with you if you don't respond to his interest, then it's quite likely he's physically attracted and that's all he feels. Please do not confuse sexual attraction with anything to do with caring about a woman. It means he wants to get you into bed, that's all. Sexual attraction and genuine interest in a person can coincide, or we wouldn't have long-term relationships, but they don't always. Edited June 9, 2013 by spiderowl
Imajerk17 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) Well my questions to this are: 1. How was he being "too open" with his feelings? (I haven't seen anything specificin this thread that this guy did that would be that big of a deal.) 2. How were you not showing enough interest? I guess I feel we really need more information before we all rush to condemn the guy. Edited June 9, 2013 by Imajerk17
SJC2008 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I can understand it being an eyebrow raiser. A man should never seek validation from people, let alone women and I do agree that it's a turnoff. TBS I don't think it's something "creepy" enough to deal break him just yet and potentially miss out on an opportunity meeting a good man. Go on another date and see what happens. 1
Imajerk17 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) Actually I do have to take back what I said somewhat. His behavior was that of a TYPICAL guy, not of a monster but just the same, not of someone who gets how women work. I think his response back to you was out of hurt/defensiveness/frustration. He probably doesn't get how you would be bothered by his "being too open" so his remarks that he hadn't developed feelings were a self-protective reactive response. Not very cool nor smooth on his end. So I'm not saying you're not better off without him. I AM saying that you might want to consider what it was that you were taking umbrage to. And how you showed that. Edited June 9, 2013 by Imajerk17 1
Author SpiralOut Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 I forgot to mention on here some of the other stuff he said to me that made me sort of wonder.... he would text me from his bed telling me that he's falling asleep. that's not something to say to someone you've only been on one date with. It made me feel uncomfortable. It seemed like more of a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of conversation. He said things like "I don't care what we do so long as I get to see you" After our first date he told me he hoped he didn't seem too shy or too nervous, thus indicating that he cared what I think about him. Maybe I jumped the gun in thinking that he had feelings for me. I've had other men tell me they didn't want a relationship, only to tell me after one or two dates that they wanted to be exclusive with me, (changing their minds pretty quickly!) so those experiences affected the way I saw things with this guy. I guess the real "feelings" he had were wanting to get me into bed. I mean I was interested enough to agree to meet up with him again, and when a guy really likes a girl that's usually enough to make him happy because it's a chance to try and make her fall for him.
Author SpiralOut Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) Spiral, I'm sorry to hear how he's been. One thing I've learned over the years (being an older woman) is that guys find women attractive and it has nothing to do with feelings for them - it's a purely primitive sexual response. If a guy feels more than that for you, he'll be happy to spend time talking and just socialising. If he has little patience with you if you don't respond to his interest, then it's quite likely he's physically attracted and that's all he feels. Please do not confuse sexual attraction with anything to do with caring about a woman. It means he wants to get you into bed, that's all. Sexual attraction and genuine interest in a person can coincide, or we wouldn't have long-term relationships, but they don't always. Yeah you're right. It just hurt to find out that he didn't care about anything but getting me into bed. He had told me that he was looking for people to be friends with or more, so I thought that if we didn't click romantically that maybe we could just be friends. He told me that the other girls he'd met had turned into friends for him. So he doesn't even like me enough to stay friends with. It also hurt that he was so transparent (in the end) about all he'd really wanted from me. He needed me to know that he felt nothing for me. He couldn't just let me walk away thinking what I thought. His ego mattered more.... It makes me feel as though he misrepresented what he was looking for, and that's what pisses me off. I can't help but wonder if his shyness was just an act to try and draw me in. I've dated a guy in the past who would cry about his dad having cancer to every girl he dated (including me) as a way to gain sympathy. Edited June 9, 2013 by SpiralOut
Imajerk17 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) Well yeah I can understand why this guy thinks you're a bit twitchy. The falling asleep stuff is a bit much but even though I know now not to say the latter two things it's not that bad in that it came from a good place. He felt a connection and he hoped you felt the same. So if you were blowing him off for this then as a guy, I can get where his frustration was coming from. I forgot to mention on here some of the other stuff he said to me that made me sort of wonder.... he would text me from his bed telling me that he's falling asleep. that's not something to say to someone you've only been on one date with. It made me feel uncomfortable. It seemed like more of a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of conversation. He said things like "I don't care what we do so long as I get to see you" After our first date he told me he hoped he didn't seem too shy or too nervous, thus indicating that he cared what I think about him. Maybe I jumped the gun in thinking that he had feelings for me. I've had other men tell me they didn't want a relationship, only to tell me after one or two dates that they wanted to be exclusive with me, (changing their minds pretty quickly!) so those experiences affected the way I saw things with this guy. I guess the real "feelings" he had were wanting to get me into bed. I mean I was interested enough to agree to meet up with him again, and when a guy really likes a girl that's usually enough to make him happy because it's a chance to try and make her fall for him. Edited June 9, 2013 by Imajerk17
Author SpiralOut Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Well yeah I can understand why this guy thinks you're a bit twitchy. The falling asleep stuff is a bit much but even though I know now not to say the latter two things it's not that bad in that it came from a good place. He felt a connection and he hoped you felt the same. So if you were blowing him off for this then as a guy, I can get where his frustration was coming from. Well okay but if he felt such a connection why would he deny feeling anything when I tried to explain why I wasn't showing him the affection that he wanted. I explained where I was coming from so he could not feel frustrated anymore, but instead he became extremely cold with me AND stopped being honest. I tried to have a real conversation with him and he totally shut down and started saying things like "sorry for the miscommunication" and "have a nice day," speaking to me as if I am a customer or a client of his. He didn't even talk to me as if I am a person! I have never had a guy talk to me that way before. It was really weird!
Imajerk17 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) I think the guy was saying that he wasn't getting ahead of things so to speak. If he truly acted rudely though maybe you truly did dodge a bullet. Edited June 9, 2013 by Imajerk17
Author SpiralOut Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) He said and did those things. Whether it was rude of him or not is open to interpretation. I think it was weird. Oh yeah his roommate was female and she sometimes cooks dinner for him. I've had male roommates before, so I didn't think much of it when he said he lived with a woman. But when he said she cooks for him, it made me feel suspicious. I never cooked dinner for any of my male roommates. It's just the two of them there. I'm starting to wonder if this guy has poor boundaries. Anyway, it's a good thing we aren't dating. We can't even communicate with each other like normal people. Edited June 9, 2013 by SpiralOut
electricjw Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I think he was just playing the game. He was saying those nice things, whether he meant them or not, to be exactly that, nice. It did seem like he was very open, but he was probably just trying to connect with you, although you didnt like it. And when you told him about it, he did get defensive and played it off like he didnt like you. He probably knew it was over and was just trying to win the breakup (orwhatever). Better it happened now, than later on in the relationship. And I dont think its weird that his female roommate cooked him food. Maybe she just likes to cook and is nice, like a regular roommate. Now if she was going to the store to buy the ingredients and make meals specifical for him, then yeah maybe something is up.
Author SpiralOut Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 I think he was just playing the game. He was saying those nice things, whether he meant them or not, to be exactly that, nice. It did seem like he was very open, but he was probably just trying to connect with you, although you didnt like it. And when you told him about it, he did get defensive and played it off like he didnt like you. He probably knew it was over and was just trying to win the breakup (orwhatever). Better it happened now, than later on in the relationship. And I dont think its weird that his female roommate cooked him food. Maybe she just likes to cook and is nice, like a regular roommate. Now if she was going to the store to buy the ingredients and make meals specifical for him, then yeah maybe something is up. Thanks. Yeah that's exactly what I think happened. You put it into words better than I could! The whole thing felt insincere to me.
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