Being controlling - my problem.

[Iama]

First time poster.

 

I will share here something very personal and I honestly would like help. My problem is I have become very controlling of my relationship.

 

I found out my girls facebook password. Curiosity got the best of me and I got to know a bunch of other things including a guy she was seeing at the time when we met / before me.

Shortly after we became exclusive and the other guy was out of the picture.

 

From then I started checking her facebook 2-3 x / week... (BAD)

 

Shortly after I saw her exchanging some facebook flirts with a guy that was into her (she had told me about him)... and I found about a few other - white lies - while snooping on her facebook.

 

I asked her about it and she denied denied denied - even deleted the facebook conversations about the things I had accused her of lying. I had to tell her I had seen with my own eyes, for her to accept it.

 

We worked things out. I decided to give her another shot, she said she will make me regain trust in her... However I was too curious about if she was flirting on her phone - so I even snooped around her phone once. I think she had deleted a bunch of messages, but Idk.

 

NOW - We're having a great time, she tries to see me as much as possible. She gets really jealous if girls flirt with me... All signs that she really cares. However the trust issue for me is not gone. and I've formed a habit of checking her facebook almost 2x/day and I "sometimes" get paranoid if she looks up other guys profiles (which she doesnt do very often).

 

Yesterday she told me this guy that had been hitting on her, messaged her on fb. But I checked and there was nothing... maybe deleted? Still white lies?

 

Idk what to do. I absolutely LOVE this girl and I know she LOVES me too...

 

First off - I have accepted my controlling problem - so I think I've done the first step.

Now I have a series of questions.

 

1. Is this MY problem - or the relationship's problem... (i.e. if I give up on this and find something else, will I still be controlling)

2. If my problem - how can I work on it..? It sounds easy in theory, but harder than you think in practice. Human's curiosity trait always gets the best of me

3. Can the relationship be saved? Everything else is just amazing.

[Eggplant]

Now I have a series of questions.

 

1. Is this MY problem - or the relationship's problem... (i.e. if I give up on this and find something else, will I still be controlling)

2. If my problem - how can I work on it..? It sounds easy in theory, but harder than you think in practice. Human's curiosity trait always gets the best of me

3. Can the relationship be saved? Everything else is just amazing.

 

 

Controlling people tend to catastrophize and imagine the worst case scenario that they are afraid of. Do you really think she will cheat? Work on it by writing down what you're afraid of and try to rationally keep perspective. I think some cognitive behavioral therapy can help.

[Iama]

Controlling people tend to catastrophize and imagine the worst case scenario that they are afraid of. Do you really think she will cheat? Work on it by writing down what you're afraid of and try to rationally keep perspective. I think some cognitive behavioral therapy can help.

 

Thanks for the reply! This never really happened to me before.

 

I am afraid of / worst case:

1. Wasting my time and effort and feelings on a big huge disappointment. My EGO being hurt because I had all the right circumstances to QUIT (I caught her lying) and yet chose to believe her... I would just feel STUPID andit would eat me from inside.

 

Also my controlling behavior stems from my curiosity. If I had the phone of anyone I know in my hands for a night and was sure there would be no way I'd get caught, I would probably go through their messages... just cuz.

[hppr]

I don't think that behavior is controlling but it is an invasion of her privacy, you really shouldn't be going through her phone etc. The only thing that jumps out at me is you saying that she looks at other guys' pages, talks to other guys, it makes it sound as if the two of you aren't that committed to one another yet.

 

So on one hand you are going through her stuff when you probably shouldn't, and on the other it sounds like she is chatting up other guys every now and then.

 

Is she really friendly/flirty? If so then other guys will think that they have a shot with her when they don't sort of thing.

[ChessPieceFace]

I asked her about it and she denied denied denied - even deleted the facebook conversations about the things I had accused her of lying. I had to tell her I had seen with my own eyes, for her to accept it.

 

My question is -- why are you snooping?

 

You've made the questionable decision to snoop on your GF multiple times per day (...) You found something. She lied about it. If you're not going to break up with her over outright lies... why are you snooping in the first place?

 

I only advocate snooping in the case of known cheaters, and even then it's as an unfortunate alternative to an outright breakup (which is probably best) or being cheated on without knowing. It's no way to run a healthy relationship. Relationships are based on trust. The way I see it, the trust has been eroded on both sides of your relationship already.

 

Relationships involve risk. You don't seem willing to take any risks, and are instead willing to institute a '1984' policy of control and invasion of privacy. Incredibly unhealthy. In my opinion, if you aren't willing to trust, you shouldn't be in a relationship.

Edited May 16, 2013 by ChessPieceFace

[Iama]

I don't think that behavior is controlling but it is an invasion of her privacy, you really shouldn't be going through her phone etc. The only thing that jumps out at me is you saying that she looks at other guys' pages, talks to other guys, it makes it sound as if the two of you aren't that committed to one another yet.

 

So on one hand you are going through her stuff when you probably shouldn't, and on the other it sounds like she is chatting up other guys every now and then.

 

Is she really friendly/flirty? If so then other guys will think that they have a shot with her when they don't sort of thing.

 

 

 

She looks at other guys pages rarely. She looks at mine about 5x more. But it's almost like a habit / game for me now. I look up her facebook and my EGO becomes happy if she's looked me up and a bit sad if she hasn't.. It's just a habit. Like playing stocks, poker, etc.

 

Yes she is friendly and nice... and I am sure she makes other guys feel like they have a shot although she doesn't talk to other guys (that were hitting on her anymore). Obviously she has coworkers, male friends etc. as do I female friends.

Also I am not sure how to gauge this, because everyone has their own definitions of what is flirty and what not...

 

I'll describe a situation so maybe you can understand better.

 

We're at the bar one night. She got jealous of some girl who is a friend of mine and was chatting me up. Then we were at the bar. My roommate (good looking guy) comes (they've never been introduced, but I've told her how he is one of my best friends). She buys us all a shot. He wasn't really paying her attention. She starts teasing him about a time when we overheard him and this girl fighting and gets closer to him completely facing him as his body language is really nonchalant. I was a bit hammered. Got bothered went and talked to other female friends. The tomorrow my buddy tells me he thinks my gf is really nice and thought she was kind of flirting with him. I tell her. She says she was just trying to be social and nice since he was one of my best friends and the guy is just immature and she's never gonna talk to him again.

 

I had a heart to heart talk with her about how other people can mistake her niceness for flirting and I don't want her to change, but I want her to be conscious about this and then choose what she wants to do and who she wants to be nice with.

 

...But still I'm not too sure I'm in the right...

Edited May 16, 2013 by Iama

[Iama]

Besides everything I've said the relationship is very good at the moment. She constantly tries to contact with me and see me

[hppr]

It does sound like you are both kinda young esp/the friends fighting, my friend this, her friend that, then this guy, stuff. So drama may happen because of that but otherwise looks fine to me. You like her, she likes you, you get off on checking her Facebook page every now and then just like she checks yours, I don't see any problems realy. Just don't go through her phone unless you are really really suspicious about something and even then I thin that stuff is kinda off limits.

[therhythm]

It is funny... you are angry at her because she lied but you lie to her everyday when you are checking her out and not telling her... Who is less trust worthy?

[thefooloftheyear]

OP...Judging by your assessment, she seems like an attention whore and is likely going to cheat on you at some point...Now she might not, but the signs are all there.

 

I wont date a woman that has a Facebook obsession.Its a dealbreaker. .Who needs the aggravation? And quiite frankly, if she has loose boundaries or low self esteem you can just about guarantee she is going to at least flirt with other men...

 

Might be OK for some, Im just too busy to worry about that crap.

 

TFY

Edited May 16, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Iama]

I have a facebook obsession more than hers.

 

And yes I know I have a problem, that's why I am here. I think my problem might have stemmed from hers, but either way no excuses Im just trying to better myself.

[FitChick]

Do you both have photos of the two of you looking like a couple on your respective Facebook pages? Is it clear to any random person who looks that you are boyfriend and girlfriend?

 

Best idea is to delete Facebook totally and live a real life. Like here at LoveShack!

[2sunny]

To accept controlling behavior? thats unacceptable!

 

You haven't solved your controlling problem since you're still obsessively checking up on her. Get professional help. You will ruin every possible good relationship with your issues. Jealousy? You're happy that exists in your R? That's sad!

 

A controlling person is a quick buzz kill. The fact that you're sneaky about it is even more sick.

 

I hope she finds the strength to leave if you don't seek serious help.

[Iama]

To accept controlling behavior? thats unacceptable!

 

You haven't solved your controlling problem since you're still obsessively checking up on her. Get professional help. You will ruin every possible good relationship with your issues. Jealousy? You're happy that exists in your R? That's sad!

 

A controlling person is a quick buzz kill. The fact that you're sneaky about it is even more sick.

 

I hope she finds the strength to leave if you don't seek serious help.

 

Lol thanks a lot.

Obviously saying a bunch of negative stuff (and hoping their SO leaves them) to a person who's opening up their most vulnerable side, is the way to go.

 

You know what's a buzz kill to me? Negative people. I really feel sad for your possible SO... Oh wait I don't think you'll ever have one with that attitude.

[Iama]

Do you both have photos of the two of you looking like a couple on your respective Facebook pages? Is it clear to any random person who looks that you are boyfriend and girlfriend?

 

Best idea is to delete Facebook totally and live a real life. Like here at LoveShack!

 

LOL. Agreed that the cyberworld is gonna ruin this world, but no, we have a few pictures here and there (i.e. in a wedding). It's not clear very fast. I actually have my profile picture with my best female friend (its been the same for a few years, since I don't like to take too much care of my fb).

 

We both don't take too much care of our facebooks.

[2sunny]

Lol thanks a lot.

Obviously saying a bunch of negative stuff (and hoping their SO leaves them) to a person who's opening up their most vulnerable side, is the way to go.

 

You know what's a buzz kill to me? Negative people. I really feel sad for your possible SO... Oh wait I don't think you'll ever have one with that attitude.

 

So what do you think is a positive trait in being controlling?

[Iama]

So what do you think is a positive trait in being controlling?

 

No and that is why this whole thread is made.

 

But there is a HUGE difference between having negative traits (believe me everyone does), and being negative, which is just an egoistic way to make yourself feel better.

[2sunny]

No and that is why this whole thread is made.

 

But there is a HUGE difference between having negative traits (believe me everyone does), and being negative, which is just an egoistic way to make yourself feel better.

 

I was just trying to get you to think about your behavior.

 

Since you don't like the behavior - you CAN change yourself - your actions - your words.

 

Believe me - I don't need to make myself feel better. I was trying to help you.

 

Accepting behavior you don't like about yourself doesn't change a thing. You admitted what you don't like - and you can take steps to improve.

[Iama]

I was just trying to get you to think about your behavior.

 

Since you don't like the behavior - you CAN change yourself - your actions - your words.

 

Believe me - I don't need to make myself feel better. I was trying to help you.

 

Accepting behavior you don't like about yourself doesn't change a thing. You admitted what you don't like - and you can take steps to improve.

 

Yes - I said accepting it is the first step.

 

This whole thread is made for opinion on steps I can make to improve.

 

There's a difference between your post now - you CAN improve - and your post before - pretty much saying I'm ****ed :| -

[2sunny]

I'm working with words you've typed...

 

When I accept something about myself - that's my indication that I'm not planning to change it.

 

When I ADMIT I have a problem - then I am acknowledging that - and I can make plans to change that about myself.

 

Action is key... At least for me. That's the way I change what I can.

[Imajerk17]

It does seem to me that you are even a little proud of your "controlling" behavior.

 

To not be controlling, don't be controlling. Every time you get the urge to pry into her Facebook or phone, don't do it.

 

Simple as that.

[Iama]

I'm working with words you've typed...

 

When I accept something about myself - that's my indication that I'm not planning to change it.

 

When I ADMIT I have a problem - then I am acknowledging that - and I can make plans to change that about myself.

 

Action is key... At least for me. That's the way I change what I can.

 

Lol obviously I'm not the best in English.

 

I obviously meant ADMIT.

 

In my opinion the only problems that don't get solved are the ones you are oblivious to. I.e. I could have gone on and convinced myself that what I do is not a big deal and I just do it from time to time for fun and I can stop whenever.

 

Instead I am accepting that I have some kind of curiosity addiction that I have to work on.

[Iama]

It does seem to me that you are even a little proud of your "controlling" behavior.

 

To not be controlling, don't be controlling. Every time you get the urge to pry into her Facebook or phone, don't do it.

 

Simple as that.

 

Sorry, I've tried, it's not as easy as it seems.

Addictions are harder to quit than you think.

 

Try to not use internet for a week, or facebook, or email, or your phone. Addictions of the 3rd millenium.

[Imajerk17]

Sorry, I've tried, it's not as easy as it seems.

Addictions are harder to quit than you think.

 

Try to not use internet for a week, or facebook, or email, or your phone. Addictions of the 3rd millenium.

 

Well, you say you're taking responsibility, but you are clearly not. Every time you inappropriately spy on your girlfriend, you are making a CHOICE to do so. I mean, are zombies controlling your fingertips or something?

 

I agree with 2sunny.

[2sunny]

Sorry, I've tried, it's not as easy as it seems.

Addictions are harder to quit than you think.

 

Try to not use internet for a week, or facebook, or email, or your phone. Addictions of the 3rd millenium.

 

Oh believe me, I know. I haven't had a drink in 5-1/2 years... That's a miracle!

 

You referenced this behavior as "bad" and "a problem" - that's a start.

 

Now take action to change your behavior. Map it out. Write it down. Be accountable to yourself... About how you are making progress... It's not about it being perfect - it's about making progress.