swiftly333 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Kind of just a vent... My ex was texting me Sunday and Monday about missing me. Ive been wanting to get back with him for weeks Ive been trying with low-contact. And then he tells me this and I act cold. I feel stupid! But I was just upset that he'd say this to me now, after I had decided I was going to give up and then didn't contact him for a little over a week. I had already decided I was going to call him and say Im sorry I acted so cold and aloof, and that I really do feel the same. But I decided I wasn't going to until AFTER finals because I just couldn't handle it if it didn't go well and I have to stay focused. I just finished one final and I have one more tomorrow... I just need to go 24 hours more, but I just CANT STOP thinking about it. Ive been just dieing to call him ever since. Im afraid the longer I wait the further he will drift. I also feel bad because I left him hanging and Im sure he's anxious about it now. But it's just ONE MORE DAY! Just seems so painfully long.... decided to post here instead of calling him like I want to.
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 What the hell do you think you're doing?? I can't tell which way is up with you.... What dafuq is going on?? Last i heard, you knew, positively, you had to go complete NC.... What is UP with you, exactly....?!?
Author swiftly333 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 What the hell do you think you're doing?? I can't tell which way is up with you.... What dafuq is going on?? Last i heard, you knew, positively, you had to go complete NC.... What is UP with you, exactly....?!? Updates on my other thread. I did stop contacting him, until he contacted me on Sunday and Monday saying all this stuff about how he misses me and all this stuff. It was too much. So I told myself I wouldn't do anything until after finals. THEN I can think about it. But, obviously, I have been thinking about it and already made up my mind. (more deets on the in my other thread as well) I acted cold and blew him off. Then regretted it. This is, after all, kind of what I wanted, right? Well. I mean, I guess what I wanted was for him to flat out say he wants to make it work. And yes, that's not what he said. But... well... it's something... I know. I'm all over the goddamned place... but that's where I am... *shrug*
aisuru Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 One day is NOTHING. Focus on that last final and then deal with him. You owe it to yourself.
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 "I miss you" does not = I want you back in my life and to try again! He misses you? You miss him too! Big deal! Until he actually comes to you - speaks with you - tells you point-blank, "This NC is killing me, I need you to forgive me and start over!" Then you cannot, absolutely MUST NOT break NC!! You don't have the time nor the head-space to deal with this rubbish right now!! Leave this be, do what you need to do - and then keep going! Holy mackerel, what did you do, rip a branch off the masochist tree and start whipping yourself with it??
Author swiftly333 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 I know it's nothing.... It's just making me anxious, but I've been studying and doing what I need to. I have had a few moments where I just wanted to stop everything and call him, but I take a little break then get back on task. (Until the thought creeps back in again, Sheesh!) I will get through this one mire day! 1
aisuru Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Holy mackerel, what did you do, rip a branch off the masochist tree and start whipping yourself with it?? There is nothing wrong with being a masochist. Or mackerel for that matter.
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I know it's nothing.... It's just making me anxious, but I've been studying and doing what I need to. I have had a few moments where I just wanted to stop everything and call him, but I take a little break then get back on task. (Until the thought creeps back in again, Sheesh!) I will get through this one mire day! That's precisely how to take NC. One day at a time. Get through that 'one more day'. And to begin with, actually, "mire" fits..... It is like dragging yourself through two-foot-deep mud..... But eventually, you hit solid ground again. Please - stay No Contact. You know THAT makes sense..... 1
Author swiftly333 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Am I a masochist? Possibly. It's Not something that's never crossed my mind! I don't think I'm a masochist. I think I'm taking an emotional risk because it's worth it to me. I'm realistic about possible outcomes & my expectations and have things in place in case it doesn't work out. I have support and the knowledge that I am fine living without this person if need be. That much is clear, I've been doing it for a few months now. And I'm fine! Tara, I understand and appreciate what you're trying to do, but I've made up my mind. I also reserve the right to change it again, or as many times as I see fit.
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Well, expect flak. particularly if you ever come in moaning about it.
Author swiftly333 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Well. Forgive me for thinking this was a safe place to come and talk about what I'm going through and express myself ......
aisuru Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 It's okay swift, she means well. She repeats to reinforce. I find that telling other people to be all tough NC keeps me on my own straight and narrow. If it makes you feel better, I'm envious of your position right now. But I won't dare break my NC at the moment. Maybe in a month, maybe in six months. But not right now. BUT DON'T THINK I DON'T WANT TO!!!! So you're in good company.
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Well. Forgive me for thinking this was a safe place to come and talk about what I'm going through and express myself ...... You can do that. But when you act - and when it looks - as if you're seeking advice, support and counsel - and then you take all that, roll it into a ball and toss it in the trash and do what the heck you want to do anyway, and go against everything they've tried to help you with - people - not me, necessarily, people - take offence at that. I'm just letting you know what you might expect in general.
Author swiftly333 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 In this case, as I stated in the first sentence, was just a vent. Just expressing how I felt in a safer way. I wasn't looking for advice or.to be told what to do. I had already decided for myself. As I said before, I understand and appreciate what you/others are trying to do, but ultimately, yes,I'm going to do whatever I'm going to do because, well, I'm the one who's living this life. If people are immature enough to be upset by other people not doing what THEY think they should do, well, that's their own problem. Why be upset about the decision others people make about their own lives? I've considered an appreciated all advice given. I didn't just "throw it in the trash" but ultimately, what I feel in my heart/gut is the swing vote... and I'm not the kind of person that's just going to do what people fell me to do because they tell me to. I don't mind you being blunt and telling me what you think. That's fine. It's constructive. It's good to hear that. But,it's starting to sound like you're taking it too personal or something... Yes. You. Because you can't speak for "other people" but yourself.
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Dearie, I've been in the counselling profession, and I never take anything personally...
Author swiftly333 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Well, to get back onto topic... Today is the day. Left work a little early to get studying done and feeling more focused now. But, I am also getting anxious. I am really unsure of what is going to happen, and if this is going to go anywhere. Of course I have conflicting thoughts: -maybe is he finally realizing some things and is willing to start being open -or maybe he just said those things to say those things but has no intention on doing anything with that -maybe this is just the back and forth, the chase, the game - the one that will never lead anywhere. -Maybe this means he's considering something? Maybe he just expressed doubt because of fear of being rejected, fear of saying what he really means -or maybe what he said was just what it means, I miss you but I dont know if its you, because I know its not you and I dont think it would be a possiblity because I dont want it to be a possibility I dont know that all these questions will be answered tonight if I call him, but maybe they will.... Again... just saying how I feel. Just putting it put into the world. What will be will be and wont, well, wont.
Hockeyguy19 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I hope it goes well for you, just be prepare for the worse because it hurts like all hell if it goes to *****. Most of us on here know that all too well from experience. Just guard your heart.
Author swiftly333 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 I hope it goes well for you, just be prepare for the worse because it hurts like all hell if it goes to *****. Most of us on here know that all too well from experience. Just guard your heart. Thanks. I am trying to be really realistic about this. I know it mighty not go the way I want it to, and am aware of the risk. I'm definitely preparing for the worst, hoping for the best.
Author swiftly333 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 Ugh. I finished my final. Took a little "me time" to unwind and reward myself for all my hard work. I get out my journal, looked over the things I wanted to say, organized my thought..... pick up the phone... dial... Get a little scared. Want to hang up, but I don't... No answer. Crap. Voicemail tone. I choke. I hang up an leave no message. I wait. I guess I was expecting him to get me like last time, to tell me he couldn't answer. I shouldn't have expected. But I did. And I knew it was 50/50. I don't know his schedule these days so it's not like I know what evenings he free. And he must have a life.... let's me real. But.... this kind of keeps me in no man's land. Now I guess I wait..... and hope he is intrigued enough to call me back later. And that he doesn't regret what he said and just ignores me forever..... base on his past behavior, I don't think I can count on a return phone call. If I get one I'll be in shock! Thank God I have a long book in just started. That should keeps me busy for the rest of the evening. Well at least I got that off my chest. Time to try and relax again.....
aisuru Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 You reached out. Nothing wrong with that. Now.... if, he doesn't follow up with you, be mindful that you might tailspin. Or it might buoy you up. Or a combination of both. Distract yourself. Hell, if he reaches out to you again, don't pick up the first contact from him. Maintain the control. Dictate the time you speak with him because if you just answer his random call, you will NOT be as prepared. It's okay to feel a little bummed. Be proud you made an attempt and just let it go for now. But you know that. 1
Author swiftly333 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 You reached out. Nothing wrong with that. Now.... if, he doesn't follow up with you, be mindful that you might tailspin. Or it might buoy you up. Or a combination of both. Distract yourself. Hell, if he reaches out to you again, don't pick up the first contact from him. Maintain the control. Dictate the time you speak with him because if you just answer his random call, you will NOT be as prepared. It's okay to feel a little bummed. Be proud you made an attempt and just let it go for now. But you know that. Gosh. I don't know what I'm doing..... About 30min after I called he did text me saying why he couldn't answer. I asked him to call me back. He said he would as long ad it wasn't too late. After that I ended up getting a call from some friends to go.out for a post finals celebratory drink. I honestly didn't expect to get the call from my ex so I go out; I'm not going to put the single life on hold just because I may or may not get a phone call. While I was out I got both a text and a phone call; it was pretty late like 11:40pm. I'm honestly shocked! The last time I asked him to call he never did even though he said he would. I felt kind guilty, but maybe it's kinda good? I'm not one to play games, but maybe you're right aisuru, maybe it's not such a bad thing.... Maybe it's good he wonders what I'm doing that makes me not 100% available. Because truth us, I'm not desperate or waiting around staying 100% available for him. Additionally, I had I really great time.tonight, and its just a another reminder of how great being single is! Really helps me to not worry so much if things.don't work out. Being single.is fun too. Goodnight LS!
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