I am a true loser - a lost cause

May 15, 2013

I wanted to create this thread because I wanted some advice on my current situation. Basically I have never had a conversation with a woman in my life except my mother. I have never got to that stage, be it because of fear, feelings of inferiority, my social anxiety, or simply the fact I suck at small talk. I'm also terrible at talking to other men, I can barely look them in the eye and most other men intimidate either through their larger physical size or being more extroverted.

When I am talking to a woman I have tried asking her questions about herself but it always feels fake and awkward, I smile and make eye contact with women but after they answer my question they want nothing to do with me again, I can see the fear and boredom in their faces. I never talked to girls in primary school, or high school...NOT ONCE. To tell you the truth I wasn't interested at all in females until around 18 years old, I'm 23 now.

I have kissed two girls in my life when we were drunk, but that is irrelevent. I have had possibly around 7 girls genuinely interested in me, out of those 7 I would say only 2 I was attracted to, but I just ignored them because I felt inferior.

Also I feel a large reason why women would want nothing to do with me is because I look so young and weird looking.

Here are some facts about me

No 'friends' in 7 years, I wouldn't even call the friends I had back then friends either, more like accquentences.
I avoid EVERYONE especially women because I'm socially awkward and boring.
Only two hobbies, videogames and I play football on Sunday, I feel like everyone on the team hates me.
I'm short (5'8) and skinny (145lbs)
I'm 23 years old but look 15
Barely any facial hair, cannot grow it properly
Physically weak
Get angry easily/mood swings
Low paying job, no qualifications/grades because I was addicted to World Of Warcraft for 5 years - I am trying to work on a career in IT right now.

Edited May 15, 2013 by Hazzard
title

May 16, 2013

Well first off your story is a tad inconsistent. You say you've never held a conversation with a female period then you say you've kissed two? Drunk or not it counts bro

Lets see what I can I say to help? I was in a situation all to familiar to yours. I used to be fat and I mean fat with no fashion sense (I don't care what people think of what I wear now its miles better then before lol) I had long greasy hair the whole lot I was a mess and I went to an all boys school. Years later after a very hard saga of my life I was left with depression and social anxiety so bad I couldn't speak to people on the phone.

Nobody really gave a damn so when i was thrown into college naturally I never spoke to anyone, had no lady friends no motivation and I felt massively inferior to everyone even at the point where I was sorting out my weight and other issues I felt like a freak.

But I've been turning it around. I go to the gym and have a careful diet so I feel bloody good about myself and I try my best to apply a "don't give a damn" attitude and try to be assertive where in the past I was far far too nice. I have no grades as well, I suck at small talk as well and I have been absolutely crushed by some of my biggest crushes and further crushed by the opportunities I feel I've missed out on but if I sit around feeling sorry for myself its never going to change.

If I can do it so can you mate. You were the one sperm and egg that got fertilized, you didn't die or get afflicted by any of thousands the complications during development, you've made it to to the age of 23 without being killed or struck down with illness, you at least have a job and you haven't got tumors or burn scares on your face so you have a chance. You are not a lost cause but you have to make the effort to change yourself and feel more confident.

Also I hope you've ended your WoW addiction. If you are going to sell your soul to an MMO at least make it a good one lol.

May 16, 2013

I think your main problem is your self-esteem. I mean look at how you refer to yourself:

I suck

I'm also terrible

I look so young and weird looking.

I'm socially awkward and boring

I feel like everyone on the team hates me.

Your whole post was like that. You're undermining yourself with all this negativity. You're not a lost cause, but you're going to have to do some serious work on your self perception. This is cliched, but it's true - you have to like yourself before other people are going like you.

May 16, 2013

could you do a list of what you like about you.....i can work with that....give me your passions...your likes...what you like to do ...two features that you like about yourself....

i have said this before on here.......i am not beautiful, or dont consider myself beautiful......but people can approach me...i am approachable...even if i am having the day from crap ville.....ill smile.....and the men who are attracted to me who arent looking at my chest........and are looking at my eyes normally have a smile on their dial......you have to open yourself up, not concentrate on your bad points which a female may not see as bad for starters.......different strokes for different folks you know...when guys say to em your gorgeous standard stock response is for me.....do you wear glasses because you need to put them on...if they are wearing glasses....i become quite confused.......smilin....lol.......and you ......give me that list that i asked for.....deb

May 16, 2013

OP, can you explain why exactly you think you've "lost"? You're at that age when you can steal victory back many times over.

May 16, 2013

What are you doing to try and get past all the negatives you've listed about yourself? Bar one (your height), all the others are temporary and fixable. If you feel so loserly with them, why are you still stuck there?

May 20, 2013

What are you doing to try and get past all the negatives you've listed about yourself? Bar one (your height), all the others are temporary and fixable. If you feel so loserly with them, why are you still stuck there?

I've been trying to force my self into social situations - i.e. going to as many parties that I've been invitied to, like work or family - but I always end up on my own drinking because I find it impossible to make small talk, others seem to be able to talk for hours on end.

I've been working out a little bit it's very hard to get motivated to do it seriously, I'm eating more. I've also started shaving the little facial hair I have regularaly to try and promote growth, but it's very slow.

I haven't found any other hobbies yet.

The biggest problem I have is my inability to make small talk and feelings of worthlessness, since I never talked to people growing up, I don't have the experience or know how to react to people. I find people tend to lose interest in me quickly and become awkward, even when I'm trying to be social, just makes me feel worse. Also since my I have no social life, there is nothing to talk about.

Edited May 20, 2013 by Hazzard

May 21, 2013

I've been trying to force my self into social situations - i.e. going to as many parties that I've been invitied to, like work or family - but I always end up on my own drinking because I find it impossible to make small talk, others seem to be able to talk for hours on end.

I've been working out a little bit it's very hard to get motivated to do it seriously, I'm eating more. I've also started shaving the little facial hair I have regularaly to try and promote growth, but it's very slow.

I haven't found any other hobbies yet.

The biggest problem I have is my inability to make small talk and feelings of worthlessness, since I never talked to people growing up, I don't have the experience or know how to react to people. I find people tend to lose interest in me quickly and become awkward, even when I'm trying to be social, just makes me feel worse. Also since my I have no social life, there is nothing to talk about.

Dude I feel you. I don't bother working out, myself, (I, like you, am like 5'8 and skinny as all hell), but aside from that...yeah.

At least you get invited to parties, dude--I've been to one, ever. For ten minutes. No lie.

But yeah, the whole small talk thing...honestly, I can't get attracted to ignorant folks and, unfortunately in my experience, the only folks who really ever wanna make small talk are just that. And, for much the same reasons (intelligence), I think I tend to make people wary by being smart.

(Please, don't read this as me being egotistical--this is a legitimate problem I've faced since elementary school. It's hard as **** to make friends when everyone thinks you're smarter than them. But I refuse to act like an idiot to meet people. I. ****ing. Refuse.)

But yeah, if you don't wanna talk quantum physics and ****...I'm pretty much at a loss for small talk; I don't watch sports or listen to the radio or anything, and "****ty weather we're having" only gets you so far.

All this is by way of saying that you, sir, are not alone. Not that it helps knowing that, but...you're not.

June 6, 2013

could you do a list of what you like about you.....i can work with that....give me your passions...your likes...what you like to do ...two features that you like about yourself....

I don't understand what you mean by passions, my days off work consists of watching pornography and playing videogames and maybe a jog if I can be bothered.

What are you doing to try and get past all the negatives you've listed about yourself? Bar one (your height), all the others are temporary and fixable. If you feel so loserly with them, why are you still stuck there?

How is fixing any of the things on that list going to help me talk to women in even basic conversation, I can't even talk to other men without feeling completely worthless.

June 6, 2013

I don't understand what you mean by passions, my days off work consists of watching pornography and playing videogames and maybe a jog if I can be bothered.

How is fixing any of the things on that list going to help me talk to women in even basic conversation, I can't even talk to other men without feeling completely worthless.

Alright, here is your problem. You need to lay off the World of Warcraft and join more clubs or get involved like volunteering. Women can sense when you are depressed or desperate for a girl, it really shows. I played videogames for a long time but realized it wasn't getting me anywhere. Go to the gym and get a fitness trainer or make it a priority to run everyday. Exercising will boost your self esteem since it seems you are very low right now. Also, stop the pornography too, you will feel more motivated to do things if you stop.

June 6, 2013

No 'friends' in 7 years, I wouldn't even call the friends I had back then friends either, more like accquentences.
I avoid EVERYONE especially women because I'm socially awkward and boring.
Only two hobbies, videogames and I play football on Sunday, I feel like everyone on the team hates me.
I'm short (5'8) and skinny (145lbs)
I'm 23 years old but look 15
Barely any facial hair, cannot grow it properly
Physically weak
Get angry easily/mood swings
Low paying job, no qualifications/grades because I was addicted to World Of Warcraft for 5 years - I am trying to work on a career in IT right now.

First three point can be fixed with therapy. same for anger and mood swings

You're skinny and physically weak - hit the gym

Go back to school

June 7, 2013

Just like everyone else said, you need to focus on the more positive things bro. you're short? i'm 5'6 150-pounds. i had low self esteem growing up because i thought i was unattractive. i've had girls show interest in me but they were always the slutty type who would go for anyone. the couple of girlfriends i've managed to get were either long distance (1000 miles away) or crappy fake relationship things (flings i guess) that lasted for a couple weeks.

but you know what? i'm awesome. there's nobody out there better than me. i say that with 100% confidence. i've become so much more attractive to women and people in general over the last 2 years it's completely crazy. it all happened because i changed my views of myself.

one of my close friends has had sex with probably 100 woman in his life, mainly as a teenager. now at the age of 27 he can't even talk to a girl. we all went on vacation last weekend and he spilled his drink on some girl while trying to bring his drink back to the table. instead of manning-up and apologizing, asking the girl if he could buy her a drink, he just waddled away with a small "sorry" and that was it.

i went up to her, introduced myself & apologized for my friend, bought her a drink and had a good conversation with her for about an hour. exchanged numbers and we hung out the next night.

it's not hard. something that helped was drinking more often. it loosens you up. i learned to become comfortable with myself and eventually learned to become better at socializing, especially with women. now, that may not work for you -- but you seriously need to take a reality check. people will only think of you the way you think of yourself.

i have one friend who's constantly depressed. every time we get into an argument, he spits something like "well then i'll just go home and kill myself since i'm useless" or something like that -- i don't even ask him to hang out anymore because i'm tired of that. tired of listening to it, tired of him constantly crying about how sh-tty he is all the time.

people like happy people. people like people they can relate to. people hate people that constantly talk down about themselves. your entire post is about how terrible you are.

only you can change that. you need to wake up and say "enough is enough" and go out there and do something about it.

or....if anything: fake it till you make it.

June 7, 2013

Just like everyone else said, you need to focus on the more positive things bro. you're short? i'm 5'6 150-pounds. i had low self esteem growing up because i thought i was unattractive. i've had girls show interest in me but they were always the slutty type who would go for anyone. the couple of girlfriends i've managed to get were either long distance (1000 miles away) or crappy fake relationship things (flings i guess) that lasted for a couple weeks.

but you know what? i'm awesome. there's nobody out there better than me. i say that with 100% confidence. i've become so much more attractive to women and people in general over the last 2 years it's completely crazy. it all happened because i changed my views of myself.

one of my close friends has had sex with probably 100 woman in his life, mainly as a teenager. now at the age of 27 he can't even talk to a girl. we all went on vacation last weekend and he spilled his drink on some girl while trying to bring his drink back to the table. instead of manning-up and apologizing, asking the girl if he could buy her a drink, he just waddled away with a small "sorry" and that was it.
i went up to her, introduced myself & apologized for my friend, bought her a drink and had a good conversation with her for about an hour. exchanged numbers and we hung out the next night.

it's not hard. something that helped was drinking more often. it loosens you up. i learned to become comfortable with myself and eventually learned to become better at socializing, especially with women. now, that may not work for you -- but you seriously need to take a reality check. people will only think of you the way you think of yourself.

i have one friend who's constantly depressed. every time we get into an argument, he spits something like "well then i'll just go home and kill myself since i'm useless" or something like that -- i don't even ask him to hang out anymore because i'm tired of that. tired of listening to it, tired of him constantly crying about how sh-tty he is all the time.

people like happy people. people like people they can relate to. people hate people that constantly talk down about themselves. your entire post is about how terrible you are.
only you can change that. you need to wake up and say "enough is enough" and go out there and do something about it.

or....if anything: fake it till you make it.

Exactly. Although, you shouldn't need a girl to be happy. You should be happy single then go look for a date. Depression is a big turn off for most girls.

June 7, 2013

to the OP

as the others have said, you should really create a list of traits you LIKE about yourself, or are positive at least...you might shrug it off as a stupid exercise, but positive thinking is the first and most important step towards changing into the new you. the list is for YOU, not for us.

anyway, ill try to address your points with some tips that could step you in a more positive direction...I'm not saying theyre all right and the best, just suggestions for baby stepping.

olympians don't come out of the womb like that...they train their butts off for many, many years to get where they are.

- no friends? well this comes down to the energy you put forth. I went through a very similar thing myself, and came to realize that I alone was the root cause for pushing everyone away. instead of blaming yourself though, look at it as a positive...at least you don't have toxic people leeching off of you, creating unnecessary drama in your life, and pushing their negative energy on you.

I want to suggest an exercise; think far back to your childhood (well, not too far..you're still young )...what did you absolutely LOVE doing? did you play any sports? an instrument? any hobbies? if you swam, try to find a swim team to join at your local city or community college (if they have a pool of course lol)...if you built models, look for community service events for neighborhood beautification, building homes or shelters for homeless or city gardening events...there is SO much stuff out there to find, and you are blessed with the internet at your fingers.

you will also find, helping others will make you feel amazing...community service will honestly assist greatly in changing your life around. you will also meet amazing people in the process!

- avoiding people. would you consider yourself introverted? or just nervous when you are around large groups? there is nothing wrong with that and no one is making you change...in fact it's considered pretty normal. it is very stressful to try and stay afloat and noticed around packs of other people...don't worry about it!

when you do go out in public, play a game with yourself and try to talk to 5 complete strangers. you don't need to tell them your life story...just simply try this:

notice something unique about them, they could have a cool hairstyle, nice glasses, walking a cute dog, have a parrot on their shoulder, a sweet suede vest from the 60's...whatever. just ask them about it..."hey man, sweet vest! I think my dad had one of those!...where did you get it?" or if it's a cute woman walking a small dog "oooh don't let him kill me (then smile or laugh)...what's his name? he's cute"

the goal is to get the other person to talk about themselves...you will find after a few weeks of doing this, it will become second nature and you will have people coming up to YOU and asking you questions because of your positive energy you are exuding!

don't bother talking to women only, there's nothing wrong talking to men either...talking to anyone and everyone; fat, skinny, tall, short, old, young...whatever. all you need is mileage and practice! think about pilots...they can't legally fly a plane until the achieve a certain number of flight hours that accumulate.

- hobbies. you mention you only have two...well, thankfully life isnt like WoW and you can have more than two professions (first aid doesnt count

like I mentioned earlier, think back to your childhood. as we grow up we often lose touch with the things we LOVED to do as children...get back into it!

join another sports team, begin learning an instrument and try to join a church band (if you are religious), take community cooking classes, pottery, glassblowing...there is so much out there!

I don't think everyone hates you as you say...they just don't know you! try to smile more, others will always be drawn to that. ask the guys to go out for lunch or beers after the game or something like that

- short. meh...this is no excuse. Spud Webb was 5'7" and dunked in NBA games...he didn't let those 6'10" lanky goofballs get him down. once you get your attitude into a more positive zone, no one will even care what height you are!

-looking young. feel blessed you aren't 23 and look 47...trust me, as you get older, youll look back and laugh for feeling silly about your young appearance.

I guess an option is to begin chain smoking, use sandpaper on your face instead of soap and go on 3 day drinking benders...this should add on some age pretty quick

- no beard? meh...99% of women don't like beards anyway. I on the other hand have hair everywhere...just shake what mommy blessed you with.

- physically weak. this is an easy fix...start slow. also, don't think you need to hit the gym to bulk up...this is a myth! I hate gyms as well and have never had a membership. look online for the "100 pushup program"...it basically starts you at ground zero, even if you can't do ONE, and in 7-10 weeks you will build up enough strength to be knocking out 50, 75 and even work up to 100 in a row. your body will look awesome too.

also, look up 'home plyometric exercises' ...go on amazon and get yourself a set of elastic bands for strength training.

start yourself going on .5 or 1 mile runs/walks every day...work up to 2 miles, 3 miles, 5 miles etc. in a couple months you will be running 5+ miles and loving the new found energy

also, change up your diet...add more fresh fruits and veggies, drink at least 72 oz of water daily, cut the soda (or at least reduce it initially) from your diet ...processed sugars slow your body down and sap energy from your system

- mood swings. exercising more often and healthier diet will naturally help your mood and energy levels...you will find more positivity in your life just by changing this simple thing.

also, instead of the negative lists and thinking, cut all that out and replace it with P O S I T I V I T Y! be happy you are alive another day; another day to change yourself for the better

- job. try to align your career with what you are PASSIONATE about. you say you like video games...did you ever think about getting into 3d character modeling and creation or storyboarding? you would probably want to get into some city college courses on it, but practice practice practice!

instead of looking for one job, maybe try for 2 less stressful jobs whose income levels add up to what one job would pay. what about a coffeehouse barista, bartender, waiter, carpenter's assistant, photographer's assistant...there are so many options out there that won't keep you chained to a desk all day. surely you would be more busy, but hell, youll meet more people!

surely, I don't know you but I have every confidence in you...every confidence you can kick the bad habits you already knowand admit...but YOU need to put in the effort and positivity.

the 20's are the 'sifting' years as I like to call them...hell, at least you're manning up to admit all this stuff and actually have the foresight to see it. I was in denial about a lot of stuff until my late 20's and it took me that much longer to turn my life around...you can do the same!

other weak individuals would sit around in denial and sulk, become a loner and hate everyone around them for no particular reason...use your personal wisdom and strength to your advantage!

you can do it, my friend. now get out there!

June 8, 2013

Also I hope you've ended your WoW addiction. If you are going to sell your soul to an MMO at least make it a good one lol.

HEY!!!

As a former WoW player of over 8 years, I resent that!!!!

I was actually thinking of getting back in there and play casually.

June 8, 2013

First of all, you are real young, If you look young then you definitely are approachable to girls out there. You're height and weight are acceptable so forget about that. You seem like a pretty chill guy, I am sure you'll meet a girl with similar like like you. Try visiting a video game convention, I mean that's how we do it in America. We network and keep in contact with other gamers not necessarily at conventions but at tournaments and what not. Go out and stop moping . You are at the height of your life, take advantage of your baby face too cause many ppl wish to look young so get over that fear!!! best of luck to you kid!!

June 8, 2013

First of all, you are real young, If you look young then you definitely are approachable to girls out there. You're height and weight are acceptable so forget about that. You seem like a pretty chill guy, I am sure you'll meet a girl with similar like like you. Try visiting a video game convention, I mean that's how we do it in America. We network and keep in contact with other gamers not necessarily at conventions but at tournaments and what not. Go out and stop moping . You are at the height of your life, take advantage of your baby face too cause many ppl wish to look young so get over that fear!!! best of luck to you kid!!

June 8, 2013

GET IN THERAPY NOW. I suggest going to a psychiatrist who can prescribe anti-anxiety/depression meds if you need them.

It sounds like you could use them. Some people don't believe in medication but my medication SAVED MY LIFE. If your brain isn't working properly there is no way you can even have a prayer of turning things around.

Once you get the anxiety under control you'll have an easier time even CONSIDERING the possibility of learning to make small talk, engage with people, etc.

June 12, 2013

I wanted to create this thread because I wanted some advice on my current situation. Basically I have never had a conversation with a woman in my life except my mother. I have never got to that stage, be it because of fear, feelings of inferiority, my social anxiety, or simply the fact I suck at small talk. I'm also terrible at talking to other men, I can barely look them in the eye and most other men intimidate either through their larger physical size or being more extroverted.

When I am talking to a woman I have tried asking her questions about herself but it always feels fake and awkward, I smile and make eye contact with women but after they answer my question they want nothing to do with me again, I can see the fear and boredom in their faces. I never talked to girls in primary school, or high school...NOT ONCE. To tell you the truth I wasn't interested at all in females until around 18 years old, I'm 23 now.

I have kissed two girls in my life when we were drunk, but that is irrelevent. I have had possibly around 7 girls genuinely interested in me, out of those 7 I would say only 2 I was attracted to, but I just ignored them because I felt inferior.

Also I feel a large reason why women would want nothing to do with me is because I look so young and weird looking.

Here are some facts about me

No 'friends' in 7 years, I wouldn't even call the friends I had back then friends either, more like accquentences.
I avoid EVERYONE especially women because I'm socially awkward and boring.
Only two hobbies, videogames and I play football on Sunday, I feel like everyone on the team hates me.
I'm short (5'8) and skinny (145lbs)
I'm 23 years old but look 15
Barely any facial hair, cannot grow it properly
Physically weak
Get angry easily/mood swings
Low paying job, no qualifications/grades because I was addicted to World Of Warcraft for 5 years - I am trying to work on a career in IT right now.

Hi, Hazzard.

This is my first post on any forum, ever and I joined this site after stumbling on some post about relationships...anyways, that is not relevant. I find myself in a situation very similar to yours, but I have you "beat" by a decade and I suppose my teens and early twenties were a bit different from yours. I am not going to hijack your thread with my own issues. IAt the moment my life seems to be in ruins, I suffer from social anxiety, I have some skin problems/rosacea that have made just going outside a burden, but I really want to make a comeback and at some point I'll start a thread asking for advice because advice is something I crave and you were looking for the same.

I have just skimmed through some of the lengthy (and good) advice given to you aldready and I don't have much new to offer, but for me the feeling of being alone is what is holding me back from doing the I know would improve my life (like going to the gym, eating right etc). There are so many areas that needs improvement...basically every area of responsibility in my life is lacking so when I sit down to try and figure out what the next sensible thing to do is, my mind just goes into a frenzy and my thoughts start to race. Ever since I was little, I have longed for a "father" figure that would put his arm around me and let me know that he was on my side...that it was us together that would face different challenges, rather than having to rely on my own broken mind and feeling of being all alone. Making decisions, being bold and challenging yourself, creating new and better habits is damned hard when you have no confidence and, like you say, you feel like the people you meet are not responding well to you. This may or may not be a fallacy, but from how you describe yourself, it would probably not be a stretch to say that you give "them" too much power. Small talk is something a lot of people fear and conversation is an art that can be learnt and practiced. What you are saying about small talk and yourself is exactly what I said about myself when I was 22 years old. I felt like I had no personality, that I was boring and small talk was my weakest point. I was engaged to a girl at the time and I did have friends, but I also felt very inferior to most people, most of the time.

Anyways, I know you already know a lot of the "right" things you could do to move forward and you can most certainly turn things around. I started to think to myself when I was 24 that it was too late to accomplish any of my goals...boy was I wrong and if I could have my last ten years back...but that's ok, its never too late right? :-)

I am sorry, I started typing and kept on rambling. I stopped by to offer to be on your side and to perhaps be someone to talk to and discuss progress, goals and so on if you want. Perhaps this is not relevant to you at all but if you want, Im sure there are some e-mail functionalities here?

Good luck and I really wish you all the best!

SomaJR

June 13, 2013

i remember when i used to get really depressed about being a virgin/never having a gf(not even a first kiss)...one day i just completely stopped caring.this depression went on from when i was 17 to 20...i'm almost 22 now and i'm over all of that.i'm still in the same situation but i dont even think about it anymore..its nothing.

the whole point of dating/relationships is to one day find your soul mate,get married,and have some kids.i don't want any of that anymore at all.

but i know that isnt the case for everyone,i know how u must feel about it..it's emotionally draining to constantly have this on your mind all the time..but u seem like u really want it..so just hang in there man..if u want it bad enough you'll make it happen.

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