rcknrl Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Was dating this guy who broke up w me because of long distance (will be 1 year for sure, maybe several more) and also because he said his parents would disown him since I'm not his culture/religion. But even the day he Broke up w me, he was crying & saying "nothing has to change between us just because we're not officially dating, other than the obvious stuff like not having sex... I'll still take care of you & I still want to see you, I care about you so much." Well I blew him off for a while, & he eventually literally came to find me when he knew I was playing at an orchestra concert. Said stuff about how he can't handle me being mad at him- it depresses him & he can't live without me. so recently we hung out a few times. It's been very romantic, lots of making out & saying sweet things. But i assumed we still werent gonna be dating again. Then he surprised me by saying "So let's take things slow & see how it goes, ok? ... Ive just never felt this way about anyone before... Youre so amazing and i cant be without you." Meaning- we will know in a few months whether we'll be super super far apart next year or not bad, & he wants to reconsider going against his family apparently too. In the meantime he refuses to have sex bc he said he never wants to do anything wrong or hurt me so "until we're sure this will be a permanent thing, I'll wait, as hard as it is." here's my question- in the meantime, do I Date others? What is going on here? The "answer" won't come for another 3 months meaning Whether we'll be "too far" apart for multiple more years.
TaraMaiden Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Really - as you're posting - what does your gut tell you? To be honest, this sounds like an excessive dose of drama.... Having to deal with a hostile family will last you a lifetime if you go ahead with this. have you any idea how much that wears you down? Why exactly is he calling all the shots of what will/won't/may happen? Do you get a say in this??
Author rcknrl Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Right now, I just have 2 questions: 1) Do you think there's actually a chance he'll end up wanting long term out of this? Because he only seems to feel more intensely as time goes on, & he admitted he has zero relationship experience & has never felt this way before. 2) Regardless, if I casually date others in meantime while he's busy telling me he's not "sure," is that wrong?
pteromom Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Why waste any more time on him? He already said his parents will disown him if he is with you, so whether he is willing to risk that or not, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of guilt and drama. To answer your questions... 1. Sure there is a chance. He may care about you so much, he won't want to let you go. But I would still be very concerned about the culture/family issue. 2. Of course. If he's telling you he isn't sure he wants to be with you, why would you put all your eggs in one basket? Yes, I would continue dating other people.
Author rcknrl Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Wow, thank you so much! Do I need to openly "tell" him that I'm casually dating others? Or should I ask, "So given everything you're thinking, do you actually consider us exclusively dating right now or not?", and if he says no then proceed with going on other dates?
ChessPieceFace Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 he said his parents would disown him since I'm not his culture/religion. Wow. What culture/religion of theirs is causing this problem might I ask?
TaraMaiden Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Just drop the guy like a scalding potato. He's a drama waiting to happen, and i think he's clingy, needy and desperate to escape his family's clutches.... what the hell is he on, setting conditions, provisos, and all these different self-imposed restrictions?? Jeesh, this guy just sounds like so much crap! Tell him until you know everything is settled, you're not exclusive, and you intend to date other guys, and if he's not happy with that, well, it's been nice knowing him an' all....
Author rcknrl Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Here's the thing. If he really wanted, he could choose to commit to me right now. Despite the potential distance or family pushback. He's not, so what right does he have to keep me from dating? I should ask him, do you consider us exclusively dating or just friends for now?
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Here's the thing. If he really wanted, he could choose to commit to me right now. Despite the potential distance or family pushback. He's not, so what right does he have to keep me from dating? I should ask him, do you consider us exclusively dating or just friends for now? Jeesh, this is like pulling teeth. OK. Just tell him: Until you decide what dafuq you want, i do not consider us exclusive and will also date other guys, because i can. If you don't like that or can't cope with it, there's the door. Got it? Don't 'ask' him anything. He's an indecisive idiot, and really you don't want to be wasting any more time than necessary - which is actually 'no time at all'.... 1
Author rcknrl Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Hindu. My personal preference: I'm fine with LDR & taking things slow, but exclusively, w this guy. But if he doesn't consider us "dating" right now & is telling his buddies we are "just friend's" then I think it would make me stupid not to date others.
mortensorchid Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I'd be wary of this situation, because of the family/cultural/religious differences. It's not something to be taken lightly, you have to accept it and just move on or accept it and part ways. Because they are differences and they will not change.
ChessPieceFace Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Wow, didn't know that level of religious exclusivism was a "thing" for Hindus. Anyway, I reread your posts again. So the guy has had no relationship experience and seems all into you, but has obstacles to actually being with you. You want to date others if he's not officially with you. I don't think your idea is going to work. From what you said, he is probably falling in love with you and isn't going to (and really shouldn't) accept you screwing around with others. I think you'll just have to make a choice. Whether to wait a few months and be loyal to this guy and see what happens, or to do your screwing around. Either one of those could be a good choice based on your feelings - if you have enough feelings for him to wait and be faithful, maybe it can work out. If you don't have enough feelings for him to wait, it probably won't work out and you need to move on. But I think stringing him along while screwing around with others is the worst thing you could do.
Author rcknrl Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 After he'd broken up w me, apparently he was really depressed about it- told me he was crying himself to sleep every day! Then when we went out right before I moved, I assumed we were still only friends & then he blurted out how he wanted to see how things go - meaning see how far apart we'll be for 2 years (he'll know within the next few months) & take it from there as far as his parents. He told me when I asked that he feels he may be able to resolve that part w the family. I don't know why he wouldve taken that step "forward" right before I left- when he knew maintaining a relationship would only become harder- unless he truly cared & was changing .
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