Jonah Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I did call the guy but he basically clammed up and did not want to talk to me. Clamming up likely due to worry that you will rat him out to his wife. Try again but be cool as a cucumber lying that you mean him no harm but just want the truth so you can move on. That's what he wants you see... for the problem to go away. So say words that will make him think that. "the truth so we can be done with this", "the truth so we can move on and get this behind us. Just flat out say that you just want to know some things about your W and after that you will call him no more. That might get some words out. Don't tip your hand that you want to know how to get a-hold of his W until you are done with him or until you know the information has stopped flowing. Then ask for his W cell number. Find him on FB and maybe find his W that way. Let him cook for a while before you launch the ICBM.
Jonah Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 He sounded shocked I even called him. You know... that he had your W at his house where his w lives shows that they may be pretty tight. That and now he sounds shocked that you got his number... they may have some sort of understanding so he was surprised your W gave up his number to you. It might piss him off after he thinks about it for a while. I think you should keep grilling him to find out as much as you can about who you are holding onto here. He knows a side of her that you may never know. This affair would still be full blown if you wouldn't have checked the phone. It may even still be going on but just driven underground. A year from now... things get dull around the house your W does have a friend to have some fun with here. 1
2sure Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 With a serial cheater it's important to take all of the steps in the process of reconciliation. Just because taking the steps is the only chance you have, if you have one. The only thing that is different about your wife today than it was last week is that you know. Nothing else about her has changed. Her telling you that it was because she wanted more sex, and you agreeing like the whole thing is a communication error screams that you are used to being completely gaslighted by this woman. 1
BeholdtheMan Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Her telling you that it was because she wanted more sex, and you agreeing like the whole thing is a communication error screams that you are used to being completely gaslighted by this woman. He is behaving like a door mat, the only way for him to show his wife otherwise is to leave, but he is "on the fence", i.e. too scared to do it even after being cheated on twice To OP: I hope you'll be able to man up some day Want to be respected as a man? Stop acting like a doormat 1
2sure Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 It's quite likely that your wife's cheating has nothing to do with you, sex, or the marriage. Some people just cheat to cheat. She sounds like one.
Nyla Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 What would you say to a friend who was being treated this way by his wife? Would you tell him to stay and keep working on the marriage, with someone who constantly lies and cheats? What does marriage mean to you?
2sure Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Leaving is one option of course, but if you want to save the marriage and make it different, your wife has to change. She has to go through the process of accountability, transparency , and you have to keep her to it. It's work. This stuff just doesn't go away. The good news is that BS doesn't need to flounder, there is a process. 1
ver13 Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Thanks for all the great input, its great to hear I'm not alone with my thoughts and feelings. Her and I have talked so much since I discovered the affair yesterday morning. She has noticed and said I am a much stronger person this time around and she knows where I stand. I informed her that "If" it works out I want to reconcile but at any point I may change my mind and leave her as I'm not going to put myself through this if at any point I find out she did not tell the "Whole" truth or if things return to as they were. We need to change and fix our "flaws" as we both have them. I am in no way blaming myself for her very selfish decision. She informed me she called the guy at his new work place today since she deleted his cell phone number and informed him in a very "bitchy" way that its over, there will be no more contact period, he said ok and that was it, they hung-up. I informed her we will seek professional help and I am going to tell some friends and family as I have to for me to get my mind in a good place. I have repeatedly informed her I am strong enough to leave at any point as my happiness is more important than our relationship. She has read the "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know" and I informed her she will read it a few time to understand what she has done by her being so selfish. She is also so sick and throwing up and I know its a good sign that I have no emotion over it and think she deserves all this because she did it to herself. I have no pity for her and have not shown any emotion towards her own pain and grief. She wants me to stay and also understands that I have every right to leave her and she wants me to do what makes me happy. She is accepting now that I can't keep this a secret because its wrong but at the same time I am going to be respectful and not tell the entire world. Sadly the world we live in even best friends hurt each other in bad ways. We are all human and can forgive each other. She has been very supportive of all my emotions and roller coaster of a ride the I have been going through since the discovery. I feel good knowing that I have full control and can tell she knows she has lost all control and trust in the relationship. I informed her she is going to change her cell phone number and will give up the right to privacy whenever I want to check up on her and if there is any hesitation then its over. I very strongly informed her I will not ever share her with another man in any form ever again. We discovered that we have too many miss-communications with what we say and what we really mean. After all these years it took this to figure it out to discover we both want the same thing. More sex! To any women that read this, don't play freaking games or give hints. Tell your man that when I say this it means I want sex! And no she is not making this up to save our relationship. It hit me like a brick truck all those times she said "Honey, I'm going to bed are you coming?" or "Hey I'm going to bed can you come rub my back?" was her saying I want sex. I realize now whenever she said those things and I tried I got sex. When she says "Goodnight" she is only going to bed and I tried...I got no sex. It seems so simple, she just thought I didn't want her or did not have a sex drive. So wrong. Please get no ideas from this as I'm just expressing my thoughts. I know many of you will think this guy is completely nuts, I'm not a weak person and not afraid to speak my mind and back it up with actions. I am strong and will keep strong. If I can get the money I will proceed with getting the divorce process started to prove I am serious that "If" things don't work out the papers are there to sign. Again thanks for all the input and I am only doing this because I needed a place to vent my frustration and story. I plan to post my updates and will work towards making myself happy first. Part of being a social worker is basic Psychology 101 she is allowing you to project all of your fears and emotions on her without truly agreeing to anything. Your W two affairs just didn't drop out of thin air they reflect her true character. The whole discussion that you had about sex only confirms what I stated above. We all have miss communications with people that we love about many things. But it doesn't mean that it's okay to pursue alternate sex partners. There is much more to that conversation then meets the eye's as for her true motivations for going outside of your M. Your W wanting to keep it all on the DL is another indicator that she has many levels of deception that she is willing to go through. If she was truly ready to confront your M issues she wouldn't care who found out as long as the issues got resolved. Her primary focus would be to save the M and she wouldn't need you to find stuff for her to read to do that. Life is about choices and right now you have taken this path. This woman that you think know views M, Sex and You in a whole different light then you see them. If you really plan to RC with this person it will be up to her to work on her personal issues alone. Just as you will need to do the same thing for your well being. Bear in mind that after you both run down those seperate rabbit holes you might decided to come out at opposite sides of the field.
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