Discovered my wife cheated on me! Pain hurts so bad!

[Hurt_ITGuy]

Well I have become a statistic of a cheating wife. We have been married 9 years and know each other almost 15, dated a long, long time before tying the knot. We were so happy and head over heals in love. Then comes careers, 2 kids and all the other stress but all seemed well up till a few months ago. SHe lost 60 lbs and I kept saying, wow you look hot! She was buying new more revealing clothes and she looked fantastic. Then a new co-worker comes into the picture that she spoke about and seemed to light up like a teenager when speaking of him. She spoke of him a lot, even called me to talk about the stuff he had to say. I kept thinking this is strange. That was my first sign things weren't right. He had quit 2 months after starting due to being a really bad worker and was forced out of his job. She, without my knowledge kept in contact with him via text message. I discovered this yesterday morning. Had a bad urge to look at her texts she had been sending. I see Milford and think who is that, oh yah that old co-worker. Open up the tread to see some pictures of a sexy photoshoot she had done to give to me for our up coming anniversary. and then a few other naked pictures and some that had been deleted but the words still existed. I stupidly did not take the time to even read through it and should have to know what had been going on. I ran to the bathroom and confronted her in the shower. The look on her face was complete shock that I had discovered it. She said its nothing and to give her the phone. I said no at first and walked out with it, then threw in on the kitchen counter. She ended up of course getting it back due to my stupidity and deleted all evidence after I left. This whole time we are yelling in front of our 7 and 3 year old. They were crying and I felt so bad. She kept wanting to talk to me and I just kept moving to get myself and the kids out the door to daycare and myself to work. I ended up not going to work for a mental health sick day. I had to call her at her work and after several phone calls and catching her in her lies. She finally confessed to having sex with this guy during lunch. She said at first it was just kissing and groping in the car. Next call was the kissing and groping happened at his house. I said you don't go to his house just to kiss and grop each other. She said if I tell you the truth are you going to leave me, to which I said you have to answer my question first then I'll answer. I asked like 15 times, more forceful each time if she had sex with him and she finally said yes. Her crying started and I said come home now. She did and we talking a lot.

 

She doesn't want me to tell anyone, but I already had called a friend for support on her way home. She wants to keep it hush, hush. I need support and not from her. She wants to be my counselor because she is a social worker.

 

She had tried a texting/sexting long distant relationship with an old ex 4 or 5 years ago and I forgave her, now this. I hurt so bad and am sick to my stomach. I think she might go to counseling she admitted via text but is worried about finances. I am having a really hard time on if I want to move on and forgive or cut my losses but have kids involved. It took a long time from the first time. I need to be happy as right now I am not and feel jump between feeling emotionally detacted to being emotional and I don't cry but this hurts so bad they just flow. I feel my manhood and dignity are all gone. She said she has laid it all out there but how can I trust her as the trust is gone. To top it all of herpes has come into the picture in which I am now infected!

 

Confused and hurt!

[Silveron]

Wow.. I am so sorry.. seems like my situation is the beginning of what you went through. Please see a counselor! Remeber she did this for her own selfish, immature reasons. Don't let this effect your own self-worth. Take the anger and hurt you have and turn it into the love for your children.

 

We can't give you the answer on whether to divorce her or not, just to give you a better understand on what has happened.

 

You have to deal with this issue by removing the root of the weed, which means you two have to deal with what CAUSED the cheating as well as the act itself.

 

Take care of yourself!

[2sunny]

So she cheated once and you forgave her. Now she cheats again and don't know what to do?

 

Keeping it quiet for her benefit isn't going to help her realize there are CONSEQUENCES to HER bad behavior, right?

 

Did she suffer any consequences last time?

 

 

And did she give you that disease? If so, that alone would be enough for me to never want to be in the same room as that person! She's risked YOUR LIFE! YOUR well being FOREVER!

 

Since she hasn't changed - I'm u sure she will ever change! You can't make her stop cheating...

 

Make a decision that's in YOUR best interest - it's obvious she's not going to do that FOR you.

 

Love doesn't look like this in my world.

 

I hope you can decide what is right for you - and your kids.

 

Yes, expose the truth. Anything less is in support of her lies.

[96nole]

Strike 1: she cheated in the past

Strike 2: she is currently involved in a physical affair

Strike 3: she gave you herpes

She's OUT!!!!!

 

Either kick her out or take the kids and get out. She will cheat again in the future. Don't bother trying to waste any time hoping she will change.

 

She cannot be your counselor. I don't care if she is a social worker or not. It's a conflict of interest. She'll manipulate you. You need an independent counselor.

 

Tell everybody. Family and friends so you can get the support you need. She doesn't want you to tell anyone because she doesn't want to look like a whore to everyone. When you start telling everyone, she will try and use it against you. Don't let her or believe her

 

This woman has been lying to you for a while. She also has been manipulating you and the situation for a while. Don't believe a word out of her mouth. She is not your friend. She does not respect you.

 

Get a lawyer and get a divorce. It will not be easy. But you will be better off for it. It will be easier than spending years constantly wondering where she is or what she is doing. Or worse, wondering if she's going to give you AIDS next.

[drifter777]

Not many people here at LS will advise you to even attempt to reconcile with a serial cheater. Your choice is to just accept she is going to screw other guys behind your back pretty much all the time or file for divorce. At this point I don't think you should worry about how this will effect your kids since there is already damage being done. You can be a great father without being married to their mother - maybe even better. And find your own counselor as all she will do is blameshift and gaslight you because she only cares about her own welfare.

[BetrayedH]

I wish I could disagree withthe other posters. But when she has cheated once and been forgiven, she shouldn't be able to do this again. I'm afraid that if you stick with her as-is, you'll no longer be a victim but a volunteer for sharing your wife with other men.

 

Your best bet at this point is to ask her to leave and file for divorce. If you see remorse that is sufficient for you, you can always pause the proceedings. But once they've done this to you a second time after seeing what it did toyou the first time, I see little hope in change.

 

Read the thread posted at the top of this forum, Things Every WS Needs to Know. It will give you a clue as to what true remorse looks like. I can tell you that her hesitation on counseling and her desire to hide the affair doesn't fit the description.

 

As for who to tell, I'm not an advocate of widespread exposure that is intended to hurt your wife. BUT, you tell anyone you need for support without hesitation. She doesn't get to feed you a shi t sandwich and then expect you to smile while you eat it.

[daylily]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

I need to touch on something you said in your post that rocked me!

 

""She wants to be my counselor because she is a social worker.""

 

What in the world? I have a professional degree in mental health, do NOT let her be your counselor! Good grief, every therapist, every university with an accredited program, most any layperson with a lick of sense will know this is a horrible idea.

 

Please seek your own (objective) therapist.

 

Even with my advanced degree(s) I needed the help of a therapist for years to move past my affair.

 

If I have learned nothing else, none of us are affair-proof.

 

Best wishes as you begin your healing process with your own counselor.

[Athens]

Sorry you have joined the club no one wants to be in. All I can say is take care of you and the kids. It's been four months for me and I am in a place where I feel in control of my decisions. I am currently reconciling with my husband, but I have focused on me so I know that if at anytime I decide its too much, I will be fine leaving as well. Strong enough to stay, strong enough to go...that's your goal. Live up to your own expectations, if you want to stay, do it...if not, build a new life. Good luck to you and keep us informed.

[Athens]

BTW..pay no attention to porky duck...he/she adds nothing but snark and is not anyone you should worry yourself with.

[BeholdtheMan]

She had tried a texting/sexting long distant relationship with an old ex 4 or 5 years ago and I forgave her, now this.

You know the old saying...fool me once, shame on you, feel me twice shame on me

 

I am having a really hard time on if I want to move on and forgive or cut my losses but have kids involved.

A broken marriage can be even more damaging to your kids than a divorce. It boggles my mind that people use kids as an excuse/justification to prolong a marriage that has become torture

 

I feel my manhood and dignity are all gone. She said she has laid it all out there but how can I trust her as the trust is gone. To top it all of herpes has come into the picture in which I am now infected!

My friend, there is a way for you to salvage your manhood and your dignity.

 

It's called ACTING LIKE A MAN. Man up and leave this woman. You can find someone better. This isn't the end of the world though it hurts like hell. If you stay, I guarantee that you're wife WILL NOT RESPECT YOU.

 

She likely lost respect for you as a man for letting her off easy last time. If you forgive her again, she'll lose even more respect for you. You'll be cemented as a weak, pandering door-mat in her mind because you don't respect yourself. Only you can save yourself in this situation.

[KraftDinner]

OP, who is the social worker? Your wife, or the friend you called when your wife was on her way home?

 

I took it to mean the latter, but I seem to be alone in that so I fully admit I could be wrong...

[2.50 a gallon]

Is the OM married?

 

If so make sure his wife knows.

[Hurt_ITGuy]

Thanks for all the great input, its great to hear I'm not alone with my thoughts and feelings. Her and I have talked so much since I discovered the affair yesterday morning. She has noticed and said I am a much stronger person this time around and she knows where I stand. I informed her that "If" it works out I want to reconcile but at any point I may change my mind and leave her as I'm not going to put myself through this if at any point I find out she did not tell the "Whole" truth or if things return to as they were. We need to change and fix our "flaws" as we both have them. I am in no way blaming myself for her very selfish decision. She informed me she called the guy at his new work place today since she deleted his cell phone number and informed him in a very "bitchy" way that its over, there will be no more contact period, he said ok and that was it, they hung-up. I informed her we will seek professional help and I am going to tell some friends and family as I have to for me to get my mind in a good place. I have repeatedly informed her I am strong enough to leave at any point as my happiness is more important than our relationship. She has read the "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know" and I informed her she will read it a few time to understand what she has done by her being so selfish. She is also so sick and throwing up and I know its a good sign that I have no emotion over it and think she deserves all this because she did it to herself. I have no pity for her and have not shown any emotion towards her own pain and grief. She wants me to stay and also understands that I have every right to leave her and she wants me to do what makes me happy. She is accepting now that I can't keep this a secret because its wrong but at the same time I am going to be respectful and not tell the entire world. Sadly the world we live in even best friends hurt each other in bad ways. We are all human and can forgive each other. She has been very supportive of all my emotions and roller coaster of a ride the I have been going through since the discovery. I feel good knowing that I have full control and can tell she knows she has lost all control and trust in the relationship. I informed her she is going to change her cell phone number and will give up the right to privacy whenever I want to check up on her and if there is any hesitation then its over. I very strongly informed her I will not ever share her with another man in any form ever again.

 

We discovered that we have too many miss-communications with what we say and what we really mean. After all these years it took this to figure it out to discover we both want the same thing. More sex! To any women that read this, don't play freaking games or give hints. Tell your man that when I say this it means I want sex! And no she is not making this up to save our relationship. It hit me like a brick truck all those times she said "Honey, I'm going to bed are you coming?" or "Hey I'm going to bed can you come rub my back?" was her saying I want sex. I realize now whenever she said those things and I tried I got sex. When she says "Goodnight" she is only going to bed and I tried...I got no sex. It seems so simple, she just thought I didn't want her or did not have a sex drive. So wrong. Please get no ideas from this as I'm just expressing my thoughts.

 

I know many of you will think this guy is completely nuts, I'm not a weak person and not afraid to speak my mind and back it up with actions. I am strong and will keep strong. If I can get the money I will proceed with getting the divorce process started to prove I am serious that "If" things don't work out the papers are there to sign. Again thanks for all the input and I am only doing this because I needed a place to vent my frustration and story. I plan to post my updates and will work towards making myself happy first.

[Hurt_ITGuy]

Is the OM married?

 

If so make sure his wife knows.

 

Yes he is married and I want to let his wife know but I have no way to contact her. I don't know where they live or where it works. If I find a way I will let her know. I don't even know the guys last name.

[96nole]

Yes he is married and I want to let his wife know but I have no way to contact her. I don't know where they live or where it works. If I find a way I will let her know. I don't even know the guys last name.

Your wife does.

[Bryanp]

She has no respect for you whatsoever. She is a serial cheater and puts your health at risk for STD's. She will not even tell you his full name. She knows how to manipulate you very well. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

If the roles were reversed would your wife be acting like you?

[BeholdtheMan]

This guy still wants to stay with her. Already told her that what he wants deep down is reconciliation, but he might (yeah right) leave if it doesn't work out. This pretty much telegraphs to the twice-cheating wife that she has a good chance of getting away with her **** yet again, divorce is just an empty threat.

 

I hope this works for the OP. I doubt it. He should've walked away this time and let wifey fight to save the marriage, see how committed she is to winning back his trust. In his shoes, I would've just left cuz this is the second time...

 

Honestly, I think some people just can't bring themselves to march off on their own. Good luck OP...I hope the unlikely happens to you and your wife magically becomes faithful without suffering consequences

[drifter777]

And when she cheats again you are going to read her the riot act about how if she ever does it again you will leave for good. And when she cheats again you will read her the... You know where this is headed.

 

You say she is a mental health professional of some sort. Do you think she might be pretty good at lying and manipulating you? But hey, good luck with your decision.

[Charlie Harper]

Focus on yourself, use the energy you have to pull trough this situation. Dont use your energy on fights or finding WHY.

 

She is a Cheater and that is her problem, she is going to lose her kids and husband for a Guy who maybe be married and might probably dump her.... THAT IS HER PROBLEM, she put herself in that situation!

 

Now focus on going for divorce, your kids, and also if she gave you a STD, no Jury will side with her.

 

Use your energy to fix your side of the problem, not hers.

 

my 2 pesos.

[Chi townD]

Wait....something isn't adding up here. If you discovered this the other day, how do you know you have herpes?

[Hurt_ITGuy]

Ok, so you're a cuckold.

Has she shared the details of her actions? What she did to him, what he did to her?

You should be calling him to see if the stories match. I doubt very much she was 'bitchy' to him, unless you heard this yourself I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Oh, where'd the herpes come from?

 

Thanks again for all the input. I really have her running in circles trying to prove she is telling the truth about all that has happened. Only then will I make my decision. Yes I guess if you want to call me names I am a cuckold.

 

To anser your quesiton, no she has not as I have not asked yet and I need to know as sadly its burning for me to ask about those details. I did call the guy but he basically clammed up and did not want to talk to me. He sounded shocked I even called him. Said MY WIFE gave me your work number so I can make sure her story matches your story. I asked yes/no questions but he refused to answer all questions and kept saying he had to go. So I did not get any answers to match my wife's story and it does not mean she is lying but I still don't believe her. I will be getting the cell phone call records to get proof she called him at his work place. Gave him an earful to tell his wife as she deserves to know and if he doesn't I will find a way. Now that I have his full name, If I can get his house I will put a sign in his front yard stating he is a Cheating Spouse so the whole neighborhood knows. He decided not to cooperate so I can be a prick and expose him to his wife!

 

Also my mind was clouded about her Herpes when I was venting in my first post. I sadly forgot she has had the lesser of the 2 version since I met her but she had gone for so long without any sores. The doc did say her meningitis more than likely triggered triggered the outbreak since meningitis affects the nervous system and Herpes is located in the nerves. Yes I did get it but its a skin condition and is like a sore or 2. I'm not playing it down its just my mind was clouded and I was on a rampage! No she did not correct me on this issue, I recalled this information on my own.

 

Oh and I am on the fence about leaving, I know a divorce threat is empty until they see the papers. I need to have money to get a lawyer to get the papers. That will speak more words then I can ever say and make her realize I'm serious! Its been 2 days people! Again thanks for all the input and helping me cope with what lies ahead.

Edited May 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hurt_ITGuy]

Wait....something isn't adding up here. If you discovered this the other day, how do you know you have herpes?

 

The one time cheating happened back in December when this guy was working at her work place. He has since quit and works somewhere else. He contacted her again 2 months ago and the sexting started since they did not work together. And yes at this point who knows if anything else has happened. Please see my responses for herpes. My mind was cloudy and I was speaking out of anger not thing rationally.

[Realist3]

Wait....something isn't adding up here. If you discovered this the other day, how do you know you have herpes?

 

 

Are you serious?

 

"My wife has sex with some guy several months back. I end up getting herpes. I have no idea why. Several months later I discover an affair."

[NotCamelot]

Do yourself and the OMs wife a huge favor and find a way to tell her. She deserves to know -- just like you did. Plus, I got great satisfaction from exposing my Ws AP to his wife. Just like my world crumbled, so did his......until that point he smugly told me he did "give a **it" what I did. After I talked to his wife, his world came apart as well. She thanked me and called me two more times to see if I was OK and to give me info I would not have otherwise known.

 

Find a way, it'll help her and you!

[2sunny]

You can google and pay a small fee to get his personal info from the Internet - I think you owe it to his wife to let her know she's been exposed to diseases that your wife may have passed on to him and possibly to her. Yes, consequences are key.

 

You can download the divorce papers usually in most areas from the Internet. Fill them out - have them ready to go in case she doesn't make the effort to discover why SHE thought cheating on you was a solution to your marriage.

 

Ask her questions! Sticking your head in the sand won't help you! If you two aren't willing to communicate by being honest - repairing the M isn't likely to work out.

 

She's to blame for what she did - I hope she expects to do most of the hard work.