Not Hurt. Just Irritated.

[CLOCKER]

This thread might look like it's intended to be an informational piece but it's not. I wrote most of the paragraphs for personal therapy (I thought that blogging for therapy was all the rage these days). You can read my observations and ramblings or just skip to the bottom, because I really just want to send out a question.

 

Long story short I fell for a charmer of a woman with a personality that I'm choosing to describe as possibly narcissistic, but definitely a professional victim with codependency issues. On our first date she told me she was a rape victim amongst other snippets of information that no one wants to hear on a first date. Boom... professional victim. Not to sound harsh, but seriously... Dropping the "I was raped" bomb on the first date? We were supposed to be talking about world events and personal hobbies, not rape. Three of my friends have had the same experiences with women that meet this profile. In the end, she tip toed out of my life because I wouldn't move in with her after a quarter year of dating. I'm an independent person and will not make a life changing decision based on convenience. It doesn't matter how good the sex is.

 

There are countless threads, forums, and online articles that describe professional victims, both male and female. My EX plays this role to a tee. I've gathered from my own personal experience and online resources that a person playing the victim will commonly use a strategy we'll call "Needling".

 

When you have or have pro victim in your life long enough, you know that they feed off the concept that their failures and shortcomings exist due to someone or something else. Because of this need to shift blame or negative attention to others, they will find a way to victimize themselves if they're left with no one else to blame and no other options. The victim will needle at emotional soft spots of targeted individuals until they draw out a harsh response that -- guess what? -- puts them right back into the role of a victim.

 

About a year ago, I decided to go no contact with my ex. I didn't do good research, though. I asked a male friend of mine for advice. He said I should tell her everything was her fault and that she was crazy and a bad person. It was true, so I did it. I broke every single rule for establishing no contact there is. On top of that, she took every true statement I made about her outrageous behavior and used it as fuel to play the victim. Woops. The idea here is that I reacted that way because I'd been getting needled for months and I lashed out, thus setting her morbid cycle to repeat.

 

I have had the hardest time keeping my cool when I'm faced with warped and manipulative behavior like this. Twice my ex has broken no contact. Each time she's employed some manipulative tactic or been condescending in her presentation. The first time she contacted me to "apologize" for things six months later. After two weeks of intermittent text messaging about pointless things I went N/C again, because the relationship served no purpose in my life. I received a ambiguous "miss you" "thinking about you" text after two further months of no contact, and this time I knew she was seeing someone. Hell, she was probably out to dinner with him and texting me under the table. It's rather sick.

 

My ex won't be coming back a third time. I've mistakenly given her enough of a reason to make me look like a bad person and her the victim.

 

My question for the forum is this: How does everyone keep their cool in a situation like this? No contact is probably the best solution at times, but there are situations where you can't hide from these types of people. These people aren't limited to romantic relationships. They're everywhere and in an infinite amount of situations. If I lose my cool with a woman I never have to see, how could I keep my cool if I had a co worker that fit this description? I'm so burnt out on dealing with these warped personality complexes and I just need some help.

 

Thanks

[flitzanu]

This thread might look like it's intended to be an informational piece but it's not. I wrote most of the paragraphs for personal therapy (I thought that blogging for therapy was all the rage these days). You can read my observations and ramblings or just skip to the bottom, because I really just want to send out a question.

 

Long story short I fell for a charmer of a woman with a personality that I'm choosing to describe as possibly narcissistic, but definitely a professional victim with codependency issues. On our first date she told me she was a rape victim amongst other snippets of information that no one wants to hear on a first date. Boom... professional victim. Not to sound harsh, but seriously... Dropping the "I was raped" bomb on the first date? We were supposed to be talking about world events and personal hobbies, not rape. Three of my friends have had the same experiences with women that meet this profile. In the end, she tip toed out of my life because I wouldn't move in with her after a quarter year of dating. I'm an independent person and will not make a life changing decision based on convenience. It doesn't matter how good the sex is.

 

There are countless threads, forums, and online articles that describe professional victims, both male and female. My EX plays this role to a tee. I've gathered from my own personal experience and online resources that a person playing the victim will commonly use a strategy we'll call "Needling".

 

When you have or have pro victim in your life long enough, you know that they feed off the concept that their failures and shortcomings exist due to someone or something else. Because of this need to shift blame or negative attention to others, they will find a way to victimize themselves if they're left with no one else to blame and no other options. The victim will needle at emotional soft spots of targeted individuals until they draw out a harsh response that -- guess what? -- puts them right back into the role of a victim.

 

About a year ago, I decided to go no contact with my ex. I didn't do good research, though. I asked a male friend of mine for advice. He said I should tell her everything was her fault and that she was crazy and a bad person. It was true, so I did it. I broke every single rule for establishing no contact there is. On top of that, she took every true statement I made about her outrageous behavior and used it as fuel to play the victim. Woops. The idea here is that I reacted that way because I'd been getting needled for months and I lashed out, thus setting her morbid cycle to repeat.

 

I have had the hardest time keeping my cool when I'm faced with warped and manipulative behavior like this. Twice my ex has broken no contact. Each time she's employed some manipulative tactic or been condescending in her presentation. The first time she contacted me to "apologize" for things six months later. After two weeks of intermittent text messaging about pointless things I went N/C again, because the relationship served no purpose in my life. I received a ambiguous "miss you" "thinking about you" text after two further months of no contact, and this time I knew she was seeing someone. Hell, she was probably out to dinner with him and texting me under the table. It's rather sick.

 

My ex won't be coming back a third time. I've mistakenly given her enough of a reason to make me look like a bad person and her the victim.

 

My question for the forum is this: How does everyone keep their cool in a situation like this? No contact is probably the best solution at times, but there are situations where you can't hide from these types of people. These people aren't limited to romantic relationships. They're everywhere and in an infinite amount of situations. If I lose my cool with a woman I never have to see, how could I keep my cool if I had a co worker that fit this description? I'm so burnt out on dealing with these warped personality complexes and I just need some help.

 

Thanks

 

nice to see a bit of a level head here. losing your cool is simply human, man. i've had my share of needy chicks, but they tend to be the friendzone types that want me close enough as a faux-boyfriend without the intimacy. the only way i've ever found to keep them at bay is what you're doing...simply be invisible and be unavailable. avoid and ignore as best as possible.

 

but...you don't have to be the voice of reason to tell them they're broken, or to call them on their bull****. doing that just fuels the fires, regardless of if it's honest or not. none of what you say is going to change them anyway.