Do I leave?

[Silveron]

Married 9 years, she's had a traumic childhood that she has never dealt with. I've been the emotional punching bag. In the past alot of verbal abuse and some physical (that happened years ago).

 

This is what happened lately. She has been on facebook for a year and she works with people who need jobs.. She gets them training, etc.. Lately some of the clients she has been making them FB friends. The one in particular messages her every day and she responds. He even inquired about a job where she works at and she even mentioned his name to them..

 

So far he hasn't been sexual but alot of 'flirty' (IMO) stuff.. such as trying to make 'cute' jokes, etc.. What really pissed me off was that she went out w/ her friends last Saturday night and was suppose to meet me at a place aroun d 10-11pm. She never showed, got a text from her a little after 11 that 'She's home'. No response afterwards. I came home 30 mins later and found her passed out. Totally drunk. I checked her FB and saw he sent her a pic of a place he was at and she replied 'Are you here!!'.. When confronted she said she was joking around..

 

I told her this messaging needs to stop, her reply is that 'Im controlling' and I need to trust her. This has been going on for almost a month now. I'm ready to call it quits. I have a 5 yr old duaghter that I know is hearing what we say and it breaks my heart.

 

Been trying to get ahold of a counselor this week, she's on anti-depressants but lately she has been saying she just doesnt care about anything anymore.. She is getting behind on her bills and she even mentioned that her work is suffering. This seemed to have started when she transferred and is working with a woman she went to HS with. She is recently divorce and is man crazy.

 

I just feel like she has become a runaway train and I see the derailed tracks ahead. How can I try to help save my marriage? Tough love? Do I move out? I have expressed to her, both upset and calm that this stuff needs to stop. Yet it's still continuing.. I'm just heartbroken over this.

Edited May 15, 2013 by Silveron

[BetrayedH]

You've got a lot of the classic cheating red flags here. She was joking when she said, "Are you here!!" ?? Wow, she should be a freakin' comedian. That is some funny, funny stuff. Or it's the same ridiculously lame line of crap every cheater says when they're nearly busted.

 

I would quietly go into investigative mode. Play dumb. But invest in a voice activated recorder for her car (under the seat or steering column). Check internet history, phone/text records, financial records. Consider buying a keylogger for the computer or a GPS for her car (caught my wife at a hotel the first time I used it).

 

Resist the urge to confront her. It only shows your cards and makes them take the affairs further underground. Get all the evidence you need and when you do confront her, do it with divorce papers.

 

My $.02 anyway.

[Athens]

To me, if she is cheating or not is not the issue. She is not being the partner you want and need right now. Tell her that, don't just pin it on are you having an affair, tell her she is not partnering with you and your marriage is suffering and then take it from there.

[BeholdtheMan]

Married 9 years, she's had a traumic childhood that she has never dealt with. I've been the emotional punching bag. In the past alot of verbal abuse and some physical (that happened years ago).

People need to grow up. A lot of people have "bad childhoods". A lot of those people become better people as they mature, especially with the help of a loving spouse. You don't need to make excuses for her character deficiencies.

 

'Im controlling' and I need to trust her. This has been going on for almost a month now.

That's not how trust works. You trust her if there's no reason to be suspicious. You don't get paranoid, you give her the benefit of the doubt if her behaviour is only slightly out of line

 

If there's obviously a reason to be suspicious, she doesn't deserve your blind trust. You deserve the truth and an end to her inappropriate behaviour.

 

I'm ready to call it quits. I have a 5 yr old duaghter that I know is hearing what we say and it breaks my heart.

A broken marriage could be more damaging to children than a divorce.

 

The presence of children alone shouldn't determine your decision. I would call it quits if I were you. Your wife is clearly looking to cheat

 

I just feel like she has become a runaway train and I see the derailed tracks ahead. How can I try to help save my marriage? Tough love? Do I move out?

Not every trainwreck is yours to salvage. Granted this trainwreck is your wife...but you can only do so much. You can't help her if she's unwilling to help herself.

 

Your wife basically feels no loyalty to you. If you move out, she'll likely cheat on you if she hasn't already. Move out. See if it shocks her out of her selfishness. If it doesn't, file for divorce. You'll likely get custody of the kids if your wife is as fu**ed up as you say

[Silveron]

You're right, she hasn't been a good partner lately. I asked and she gave me her phone yesterday so that I could read all the messages. Found out he is going for his physical trainer cert. and asked her if he could 'make a workout plan' for her, since he joined the gym she goes to. Her reply was 'cool'.. he also applied for a job where she works at and she mentioned his name to her boss!

 

When confronting about the gym issue, she reverts back to 'it being a joke'. I told her to stop gaslighting and minimizing this. I also told her that if he gets hired there, then the marriage is over. This shocked her. She keeps saying she is a 'good person' and it's just 'platonic' and that not every single guy is going to test the water with her just because she chats with him.

 

I hope to get a counseling session arranged soon. She said she was going to stop all of this and that she will just 'ignore' all his chats. I told her I don't care if she is friends with guys, but that there are boundaries and the more she leaves the door open the more mine will close. She actually asked me 'What if the counselor said it's perfectly ok for this to happen', I told her 'I will then find a way to deal with it', but in the back of my mind i'm thinking 'I would be getting a new counselor'.

 

She acts nieve about all of this, but to me she is just playing dumb. Stuff like this has happened years back. I'm hoping to get someone who can change her meds, idk if she is bi polar.. she sure seems to show the signs of it.

 

If she can't show the respect and love that I deserve then I am walking.

[BeholdtheMan]

If she can't show the respect and love that I deserve then I am walking.

How about you just walk because you're neither the love nor the respect you deserve

 

There's always the option of re-marriage in the future, but right now, she seems like a lost cause