blacklavender Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 My ex and I were together for 6 months and have been broken up for 3 months. I was "the best guy she ever met" and treated her like a princess and was a really good guy to her. I was a little I guess you could say "smothering" at times but it was only because she put no where near the effort I did and when she didnt I pushed more when I should have backed off and let her come to me more. That coupled with the fact that she has never been single and wanting to experience being single (she is 22 I am 23) and had just gotten out of a 2 half year relationship led to the break up. I went NC right away after she broke up with me aside from that night of the breakup I did not take it well that night because I loved her but I knew that if I started to beg after the break up tho there would be no chance. I saw her at a bar 1 and half months after the break up where we talked about the break up which was a normal conversation and then nothing until now. Anyways after 3 months she broke no contact just last week and in the last week she has snap chated pics and videos about 10 times in a row really random **** like her partying in clubs with the caption "oh hey" or like "miss you guys" and other stuff like pictures of family and just really random stuff like the traffic driving home like we are best friends or something... now my question is this I have not heard from this girl no calls no texts nothing other than seeing her once randomly at a bar that one time so why the hell send all this weird **** out of the blue? I have not responded to her snap chats and I don't know if this is her attempts at testing the water or is she just trying to be friends and why would she keep sending me stuff with me never responding? If I was her I would feel awkward doing that she broke up with me. What should I do(assuming I want to get her back) yet she broke my heart and I was really good to her? Does she think everything is nromal and we are buddy buddy now out of the blue? Or is she going "**** I have not heard from him in a long time maybe he has moved on and I dont want that"
BC1980 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I have dealt with this in the past month. I think the dumper contacts for several reasons. I think they are testing the waters in a way, trying to see if you are still on the back burner waiting for them. I also think that when someone dumps you, it takes several months for him/her to realize the impact of what they have done. The person might have a few regrets about what might have been, ect. or second guessing the decision. I also think the dumper wants to alleviate some guilt, and they think they are being nice to let you know they still see you as a friend. The problem is that it opens old wounds. I would say to tell her not to contact you unless she wants to get back together unless you don't mind he sending you these pics. If it doesn't cause you any emotional stress, I wouldn't worry about it. I should be taking my own advice. 2
Author blacklavender Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 So if its a little bit of both them testing the waters and trying to be friendly it begs the question as to when do you break no contact. If I respond to those pics does she then go oh good i still have him or if i dont respond to them does she think "oh well he has moved on" Seems like a poor attempt at getting in contact for the first time since the break up if she is thinking she made a mistake? But at the same time it can't be her just being friendly there is always a reason I feel like with dumpers. I really do love her but I know I will not initiate contact because it just makes me look foolish. She is also very stubborn.
BC1980 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 It would probably irritate her more if you just don't comment or contact her. She seems a little immature. 1
Author blacklavender Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Camel toe, if she doesn't want me back or isn't thinking about that whatsoever then why contact me....and when i mean contact me continue to contact me like 10 times in a row over a week period even tho i dont respond? Ur right maybe it is just for attention or to see if im still there but i just think of it from my point of view where if i DUMP someone and im sending them contact 10 times in a row its not cause I dont care its casue im still interested and curious... what u think?
flitzanu Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 pay attention to what they're telling you. just because she sends you some dumb message saying "omglol whatsup lol" it doesn't mean she wants anything to do with you. she dumped you so she could go bang other guys, which means she is totally fine with being your FRIEND. being the dumpee, you obviously aren't over it, and are not fine with being friends. so don't be friends with her.
Author blacklavender Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 okay i appreciate your guy's input but when you say she just dumped me to go "bang other guys" i mean that doesnt really make sense? You could say that for every girl then that dumps a guy she just wants to go bang other guys. Idk maybe she is but clearly if she didnt give a **** anymore about me she wouldnt contact...I know i wouldnt if i didnt care. But ur right I haven't and i still wont respond unless its something really meaningful to respond to.
flitzanu Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 okay i appreciate your guy's input but when you say she just dumped me to go "bang other guys" i mean that doesnt really make sense? You could say that for every girl then that dumps a guy she just wants to go bang other guys. Idk maybe she is but clearly if she didnt give a **** anymore about me she wouldnt contact...I know i wouldnt if i didnt care. But ur right I haven't and i still wont respond unless its something really meaningful to respond to. and why did she dump you in the first place?
Larry56 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Hey man, I'm on you're side. OK...the thing is. Just act like you're perfectly happy with your life right now and just say "Hey nice to hear from you again, I've been really busy. Hope things are going well with you". Also...here's a good trick. Remind her of the good old days you once had. Some bonding or fun experience you had. But just do it in a real subtle way. Like..."Oh hey nice to meet you. Yeah I was walking past "such and such where we did this and that. Hope things are well with you" I wouldn't jump out to see her quite so quickly. Let the tension build up a bit. Then say "Hey let's meet up for coffee on this *particular day*" 1
Author blacklavender Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 and why did she dump you in the first place? Well the responses I got from her were "I realized I jumped into a relationship too fast after just getting out of a 2 and half year one" "I cant care for someone right now" "I need to be in la" (we both live in san diego we had both just gotten out of college)... but no one dumps someone because the dumpee did nothing wrong thats why i figured out on my own that it had to do with a couple things... 1. I stopped being a challenge to her because I cared so much more about the relationship than she did and when she didnt put the effort that i did in i pushed more. 2. She felt smothered but im not the type of guy that wanted to see her 24 hours a day or anything she just wasn't use to a guy treating her good the way i did but none the less she felt smothered. 3. This one is smaller but the sex. She would never initiate it and it bugged me so I would push more which prob made her feel smothered. This girl flat out told me I was the best guy she ever met and we would talk about the future together and then like every relationship when the going gets tough and you have some fights like every normal relationship she gave up. Thats what it boils down to SHE GAVE UP and DIDNT FIGHT FOR ME. How could you do that to the best guy you have ever met. I literally treated the girl like a princess and she would tell me that.
swiftly333 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 why don't you just ask her? Anyone one here can only guess what she's thinking (though many will attest that they for a fact are absolutely sure they do) Whatever she's doing is seems really passive....
Author blacklavender Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 I can answer that and it's easy. She is YOUNG and doing what people her age do. Not to mention, she just got out of a long term relationship. You are looking for a "forever" relationship and she wants to be like everyone else her age and "Sow Her Wild Oats", clubs, bars, drink, drugs, date and sleep around, hang with friends, date "bad" boys, be an attention whore, live it up and have fun. Does that really come as a surprise to you? Didn't most of your friends and people you know dump their LTR BFs / GFs to go do the same thing your Ex is doing? Yea ur absolutely right Camel Toe I agree with you completely the one thing tho is this yes i am looking for a meaningful relationship but at the same time I dont want to get married tomorrow. I realized after being in a relationship with the right person you can everything you want to being single aside form hooking up with random people. I was in a frat in college I love partying going out drinking and I still wanna do that but I also like having a relationship because u have someone that really means something to u and I guess this is where her and I are opposites right now. I was always single in college and she was always in a relationship. Dont get me wrong being single is so much fun i been with a lot of girls but you start to want something more and I guess she needs to figure this out. I should have have realized that before getting with her. What just kills me is this tho: If I had met the "best guy i have ever met and treated me better than anyone I had ever been with" it would be VERY difficult for me to let that person go knowing that I am RISKING losing them forever.
Blckrooster46 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I went through a similar break up, she was crazy attached to me and I was to her but it always seemed like she was more so, but I guess that changed somewhere done the line when I really let her in about some personal things, something she has asked me to do a million times. I also got distant toawrds the end and pushed her away when I got stressed with school, starting stupid fight and arguing for no reason, I think I was scared too but now that she is gone I feel like such a fool. For crying out loud we got into an argument like two weeks before we broke up because she wanted to see me and I was tired and wanted to be alone, god I am ****ing fool man. I don't know about contact though i know eventually the "How are doing" text is going to come and I don't know how to respond when it does. Do I ignore it and either make her want me more or make her realize I am still upset with her making her think I am not over her and then pushing her away again? Or do I respond with something like "Hey things are great, just got back from blah blah and loved it" to make her think I am fine and cause her to want me now that I don't want her? I have no clue what to do and I really just want her back but haven't said a word since we broke it off. So what I am saying is I get how difficult it is to assess the situation, sigh if only we could read their ****ing minds things would be so much easier. 1
aisuru Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Well the responses I got from her were "I realized I jumped into a relationship too fast after just getting out of a 2 and half year one" "I cant care for someone right now" "I need to be in la" (we both live in san diego we had both just gotten out of college)... but no one dumps someone because the dumpee did nothing wrong thats why i figured out on my own that it had to do with a couple things... 1. I stopped being a challenge to her because I cared so much more about the relationship than she did and when she didnt put the effort that i did in i pushed more. 2. She felt smothered but im not the type of guy that wanted to see her 24 hours a day or anything she just wasn't use to a guy treating her good the way i did but none the less she felt smothered. 3. This one is smaller but the sex. She would never initiate it and it bugged me so I would push more which prob made her feel smothered. This girl flat out told me I was the best guy she ever met and we would talk about the future together and then like every relationship when the going gets tough and you have some fights like every normal relationship she gave up. Thats what it boils down to SHE GAVE UP and DIDNT FIGHT FOR ME. How could you do that to the best guy you have ever met. I literally treated the girl like a princess and she would tell me that. It sounds like she was never that in to you. Can I be honest? No woman, despite what she might think, wants or respects a guy who smothers her. It's not a masculine behavior and we start to think of you as weaker than ourselves. I know it doesn't make sense, but ask me how I know....? Sorry dude, you need to take her off that pedestal, gain some perspective, and move on.
Author blacklavender Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 It sounds like she was never that in to you. Can I be honest? No woman, despite what she might think, wants or respects a guy who smothers her. It's not a masculine behavior and we start to think of you as weaker than ourselves. I know it doesn't make sense, but ask me how I know....? Sorry dude, you need to take her off that pedestal, gain some perspective, and move on. I agree its not masculine at all and thats where I learn from my mistakes and dont make them again. What i posted above tho were only the negatives(i dont feel like boring you guys with pages of our entire relationship) but it was REALLY good and way more positives and those few negatives. In the beginning the first couple months she was so into me like I was with her then she started acting more casual when I was still in the high of the realtionship which made me push more where i should have stopped. Its just hard when u love someone so much and they start acting in a way that breaks ur heart i guess.
aisuru Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 I agree its not masculine at all and thats where I learn from my mistakes and dont make them again. What i posted above tho were only the negatives(i dont feel like boring you guys with pages of our entire relationship) but it was REALLY good and way more positives and those few negatives. In the beginning the first couple months she was so into me like I was with her then she started acting more casual when I was still in the high of the realtionship which made me push more where i should have stopped. Its just hard when u love someone so much and they start acting in a way that breaks ur heart i guess. Dear friend, the good usually does outweigh the bad. That's why you stayed together. The reality is though, it wasn't the right relationship for her. You have to accept it. You don't have to like it. But you have to accept that. Please know that some day, sooner or later, you will find a woman who values you for you. Even some of the habits that others might view as "smothering." You have to believe that. For now, you continue to be a better person, take care of you, and strive to be the type of person you want to be.
Leigh 87 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 She sounds like an idiot. She has some nerve too! She wants to experience the single life, and then throw it in your face by posting pics of her clubbing and.. out with family? Just ignore her. Don't let her use you for an ego boost, which is what it sounds like she is doing. If she realises that she wants you back, she is going to have to spell it out clearly to you!
IS IT Better late Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Blacklavender, Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine. Short relationship but I developed pretty intense feelings. Early on this girl was really into me then she drifted from me right around the time I started to really get into her. Very painful b/c I thought we were on the same page but apparently she wasn't. Few weeks later she ended it with BS excuses. I made similar mistakes of chasing her the last few weeks to that prob helped her with her decision. My mistakes haunt me everyday. But my chick never closed the door us completely. And the breadcrumbs have been flowing ever since. It's very confusing, most ppl on LS will tell you that your ex is just looking for an ego boost or just some attention from a familiar source. The whole thing about them contacting us after they dumped us really makes no sense to me. Is there real interest in getting back together who knows? I have received photos and even videos from my ex. And the pointless small talk texts too. But I guess the best advice for you and me and everybody else in our shoes is that will know if they want to try again. They will make it obvious and not cryptic. I'm back to NC, trying to kill the hope.
california15 Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 If she doesn't contact you with "I'm sorry. I want to be with you; I made a mistake and am willing to do anything to work on rekindling our relationship"(key phrase) then it doesn't matter why she's contacting you. Pay attention to what she's NOT saying. I agree with the others - its just breadcrumbs and it could be to alleviate the guilt she has.
crederer Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Our situations sound similar. My girl broke up with me to "work on herself" (which in fairness, she needs to but I don't get why she has to be alone for that). The day after the break up she texted saying I was an amazing boyfriend and it has nothing to do with me and she loves me but needs to do this for herself. She has called me a couple of times, usually crying, but not talking about the relationship at all. The other day she sent me a crazy text (almost three months after break up, very limited contact) saying she thinks she may have an STD and it had to come from me since she hasn't slept with anyone (this is also the third time she let me know this in the 3 months). After I talked to her she basically admitted she's just being paranoid. I think she was using it as an excuse to talk to me, fishing to see if I'm sleeping with anyone. She then went on to say she misses my company and would like to be friends one day. I don't know if she actually means "friends" or if she's trying to see if a spark is still there or what. Some people say that friendzone is the worst way to get back with an ex while other articles I read say it's a good way. I don't really know. I figure the worst that can happen is I'm in the same situation I am now and I'll move on if she really means "friends". I've already accepted that I will not have her back and a second rejection really isn't going to make things harsher on me.
Author blacklavender Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 If she doesn't contact you with "I'm sorry. I want to be with you; I made a mistake and am willing to do anything to work on rekindling our relationship"(key phrase) then it doesn't matter why she's contacting you. Pay attention to what she's NOT saying. I agree with the others - its just breadcrumbs and it could be to alleviate the guilt she has. Okay something I dont get about the dumper trying to "alleviate guilt". It doesn't make sense because if I am dumping someone I am making damn sure im making the right decision and therefore Im not regretting what I am doing. Why would I feel the need months later(specially if i wanted to be single and do my own thing to give a **** about feeling guilty with someone i broke up with). I FEEL LIKE GUILT HAS TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH THEM NOT BEING OVER YOU AND SECOND GUESSING THERE DECISION because if I was completely over someone and knew I made the right decision with breaking up with that person I would not have guilt. By the way we saw each other once since the break up and I told her I wish you would tell me you wanted nothing to do with me in terms of a relationship ever again and she responded with "I can't say that tho because I don't know what could happen in the future I could see us being together but I need to be single now" and "I am still attracted to you" but "I dont want to hold you back tho"
Author blacklavender Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 well I cant just ask her because it gives her the power by showing after 3 months I am still into her. She needs to start putting in an effort the whole point of NC and moving on is to heal but at the same time if you want them back to show them that you really are gone. By asking her you take away those 3 months and are back to square one she will know im still there for her.
flitzanu Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Well the responses I got from her were "I realized I jumped into a relationship too fast after just getting out of a 2 and half year one" "I cant care for someone right now" "I need to be in la" (we both live in san diego we had both just gotten out of college)... but no one dumps someone because the dumpee did nothing wrong thats why i figured out on my own that it had to do with a couple things... 1. I stopped being a challenge to her because I cared so much more about the relationship than she did and when she didnt put the effort that i did in i pushed more. 2. She felt smothered but im not the type of guy that wanted to see her 24 hours a day or anything she just wasn't use to a guy treating her good the way i did but none the less she felt smothered. 3. This one is smaller but the sex. She would never initiate it and it bugged me so I would push more which prob made her feel smothered. This girl flat out told me I was the best guy she ever met and we would talk about the future together and then like every relationship when the going gets tough and you have some fights like every normal relationship she gave up. Thats what it boils down to SHE GAVE UP and DIDNT FIGHT FOR ME. How could you do that to the best guy you have ever met. I literally treated the girl like a princess and she would tell me that. none of your reasons matter, and here's why: she didn't want to be with you. you are trying to overcomplicate this. she simply decided she disnt want you, and she wants to pursue other people.
Author blacklavender Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 none of your reasons matter, and here's why: she didn't want to be with you. you are trying to overcomplicate this. she simply decided she disnt want you, and she wants to pursue other people. Well i mean clearly thats why people dump people they dont wanna be with that person anymore so kinda goes for everyone...but at the same time its not like we had months of it being bad it was just the last 2 weeks that she pulled away...which is why it amazes me that over 5 months can be so good and then just ended after like 2 weeks of it being harder.
flitzanu Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Well i mean clearly thats why people dump people they dont wanna be with that person anymore so kinda goes for everyone...but at the same time its not like we had months of it being bad it was just the last 2 weeks that she pulled away...which is why it amazes me that over 5 months can be so good and then just ended after like 2 weeks of it being harder. yes, and YOUR reasons you think she left are vastly different from HER reasons. youre chasing a dead end and youre going to get yourself hurt again by chasing and dwelling. if she wants you, she will certainly tell you.
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